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Nov 2012 04

by Laurie Penny a.k.a. @PennyRed


[Image of Staten Island Relief Workers by Jenna Pope a.k.a. @BatmanWI]

In the forty-eight hours since I landed in the United States, flying into storm-torn Brooklyn just days after a bunch of cars floated down Wall Street, nobody has mentioned the election to me once. You know, the presidential election, the one that’s happening in – what is it, three days? Right now, New Yorkers have more important things on their minds.

Access to food, fuel and electricity, for a start. People who do have these things are opening up their homes to friends and strangers who don’t. Across the city, volunteers are packing cars and heading to the disaster zones of Red Hook and the Rockaway, as well as to Staten Island, the borough worst hit when Hurricane Sandy battered through to flatten homes and devastate lives.

Like I said, nobody’s talking about the election. The island I always privately think of as Starship Manhattan spent days cut off from the rest of New York state, all of the lights out for days under 34th street, basements choked with brackish water, old people stranded in their homes. There’s an actual crisis taking place: houses have been destroyed, lives lost. The eighteen-month media circus that passes for representative politics in this country seems worlds away from the women in Staten Island weeping in front of the remains of their family homes on the nightly news.

With it being practically impossible for anyone without a car and a full tank of fuel to cross the city, I’ve just come back from volunteering down the street at the Williamsburg Church emergency blood drive. Right now New York is in a blood crisis. When the hospitals were evacuated during the storm, there was no time to collect the blood left in storage banks when the power went out, and by the time they got everyone to safety, that blood had rotted. Now they need new blood desperately.

When me and my friend Veronica Varlow went down to the Church to open our veins for the cause, I was told that my tangy British blood was not acceptable because I might be riddled with mad cow disease (this from people who haven’t even read my Twitter feed). They did, however, need volunteers to help shepherd those donors who were waiting patiently in line for up to three hours to hand over pints of superior all-American hemoglobin. So, I pinned on a badge and spent a few hours buzzing around filling out forms for people, cleaning tables and chairs, handing out snacks and tea and generally making myself useful. Even doing something so small to help the people helping to rebuild the city felt powerful.

Blood: when disasters happen, I’m always struck by the readiness with which people queue up to restock the banks of blood, platelets, and plasma. In the days after September 11, 2001, the donation centers had to start turning people away, and indeed, here at the Williamsburg Church we’re doing the same thing; with the donation line already thirty people deep, we’re running around with sign-up sheets where eager donors can leave their name and number in case we need more blood tomorrow.

There’s something so tender about that impulse. Sure, it says, we could raise money or go and help pump water out of basements in the Lower East Side, but wouldn’t it be simpler just to give you this part of my own body that was pumping in my heart five minutes ago? I’m pretty sure that if the New York blood centre were to put the call out tomorrow asking people to donate a pound of flesh cut from the chest closest to the heart because someone stranded on Staten Island needs it, there’d be plenty of volunteers, and not all of them would be kinky Shakespeare fetishists.

When there’s a crisis on, people want to help. Running around with the snack basket I was reminded of the floods of volunteers who gave their time, money and expertise to the Occupy camps last year. Practical anarchism. Everyone so keen to do whatever they could to help. Not just the kids from all over the country who kicked in their lives to sleep in the cold and be arrested multiple times in the name of a better future, but the shop owners who shipped out their spare produce. The trained nurses who turned up to administer basic medical care to those who had none. The parents who donated freshly-baked pies and soups to the kitchens. The librarians and academics who created an enormous library that, almost a year ago, I watched the NYPD rip apart and hurl into dumpster trucks, just because it was messing up their nice clean corporate dead-zone.

It’s no accident that the original Occupy Wall Street organizers were among the first to set up and co-ordinate volunteering efforts across New York. The group, which has drifted in recent months, immediately set about organizing teams and transportation to the worst-hit areas. The Zuccotti Park protest camp which was evicted last November and the enormous post-Sandy volunteer effort going on this week are different expressions of the same thing: overwhelming human response to crisis.

Crisis is what people in the United States have been living with for at least four years. Active emergency, turning people out of their homes and into the cold, destroying lives. It’s not crass to compare a climate disaster to a juddering crisis of capitalism, because the two are connected, not least because those most responsible are also those most likely to be snugly tucked away in gated compounds shrugging their shoulders when the storm hits. Like the crash, Hurricane Sandy hit the poorest hardest, smashing through Staten Island and Rockaway while the lights stayed on on the Upper East Side.

Nobody expected it to be quite this bad. Last year’s Hurricane Irene was bearable for most. But what I’m seeing here, at least in Brooklyn where I’ve been stuck for two days, is a city coming out of a six-month paralysis: finally, there’s a concrete task that people can put their hands to.

Sarah Jaffe’s brilliant piece at Jacobin draws attention to Rebecca Solnit’s work on the communities that arise in disaster zones:

“There’s a particular opportunity for mutual aid in the void in the aftermath of disaster, particularly in a neoliberal state whose safety net has been shredded, where the state simply isn’t there and people step up to take care of each other (not “themselves” as our libertarian friends would have it, and not the rich handing out charity as Mitt Romney wants you to believe, but communities in solidarity). The idea of mutual aid was at the foundation of Occupy as much as the much-debated horizontalism and the opposition to the banks.”

Volunteerism, of course, can be regressive as well as radical. I am reminded of those “broom armies” in London in the middle of the August riots last year; the sea of white, middle-class faces holding up brooms they’d brought to unfamiliar areas of the city, the sweet intention to mop up after a disaster tempered by the idea that the kids from deprived areas who came out to fight the police could just be swept away like so much filth. Like any desperate human impulse, volunteerism can easily be co-opted, twisted into something violent, calcifying.

Greece, where I spent part of my summer documenting the human effects of economic collapse, isn’t the only developed country where people have been living in crisis for so long they are starting to numb down and accept it. As Imara Jones pointed out in The Guardian today, 50 million Americans, the same number as those in the states hardest-hit by Hurricane Sandy, are living in acute poverty, and nobody in the presidential race has deigned to talk to or about them, despite the fact that they also have votes.

How do we respond to crisis when crisis has become status quo? That’s the question facing the entire developed world this year, and neither of the men jostling to lead the nominally free world appear to have any sort of answer. The Occupy Sandy operation is not an answer either, not even the shadow-play of an answer, but it is deeply radical and compassionate. That means someone’s probably going to try to shut it down reasonably soon, especially if it continues to provide food and assistance to the needy after the floodwaters have receded. A community response to immediate external crisis can be spun as good PR for an administration, but a community response to structural, internal crisis is just embarrassing. In every case though, the most dangerous thing you can do in any crisis – the absolute worst thing you can possibly do – is sit at home and accept it.

Back to blood. Funny thing about blood: until the 1970s, America used to buy it. Blood donation, as the United States quickly discovered, is not something you want to inject with a market incentive when you have to juggle things like infection risks and supply shortages. All that changed when Richard Titmus’ book The Gift Relationship: From Human Blood to Social Policy was published in 1971, explaining why the values of public service beat the private market every time when it comes to social care. The private market in American blood was regulated until it became something like the British voluntary model – people coming in to open their veins for a biscuit and a cup of coffee, just because somebody else needs their blood more than they do. Quite a lot of my job at Billyburg church today was handing out packets of Oreos to younguns waiting in line to do just that – I still have no damn idea who donated those biscuits – and telling the people massing at the door that no, we have all the blood we need for today, thank you, come back tomorrow.

“There is in the free gift of blood to unnamed strangers no contract of custom, no legal bond, no functional determinism, no situations of discriminatory power, domination, constraint or compulsion, no sense of shame or guilt,” wrote Titmus. “In not asking for or expecting any payment of money, these donors signified their belief in the willingness of other men to act altruistically in the future.” There is still enough blood beating in the cynical hearts of New Yorkers to pound out an immediate, compassionate response to crisis. Today that gives me hope.

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Occupy Sandy Relief information here can be found at interoccupy.net/occupysandy/ – a website put together by the good folks at OWS, which contains all you need to know about what you can do to help. Click here for the NYC Blood Drive list of donation centers and opening times.

Laurie Penny is a journalist, feminist, and political activist from London. She is a regular writer for the New Statesman and the Guardian, and has also contributed to the Independent, Red Pepper, and the Evening Standard. She is the author of Meat Market: Female Flesh Under Capitalism (2011) and Discordia (2012). She has presented Channel 4’s Dispatches and been on the panel of the BBC’s Any Questions. Her blog, “Penny Red“, was shortlisted for the Orwell prize in 2010.

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Nov 2012 01

by Laurelin

There are moments in life when nothing has changed, yet all of a sudden everything is perfect. As I walk down the street from my house – the same street I walk every day with my head down – I suddenly look up and notice the leaves have changed colors and the sky is perfect. The wind blows and a single leaf falls into my outstretched hand, Tori Amos’s “Gold Dust” is playing on my iPhone, and I feel silly for being upset about such simple things when there is so much beauty in the world (“and then you’ll understand, we held gold dust in our hands…”). There are some songs you just remember, the songs you equate with moments, the songs that from that time forward will always remind you of autumn.

Taylor Swift’s “Enchanted” came through my ear buds on the way home from the bar one night two years ago on Boylston Street. I had met someone, our eyes connecting from across the bar, and after flickering away and back again a few times we wound up chatting; At the end of the night I had a new phone number in my phone and a smile on my face. She sang, “All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you, this night is sparkling, don’t you let it go, I’m wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.” And I was so hopeful, proudly wearing my newly blushing cheeks.

Ellie Goulding’s “Guns and Horses” reminds me of a year old summer fling, a boy who I would have done anything for after we broke up, even though I knew he and I never should have worked in the first place. He got a new girlfriend not long after our relationship ended, and I was devastated. His new girlfriend eventually broke up with him and it was his turn to be sad, and that’s probably why he and I started sleeping together again. I clung to those drunken nights with him, and always on the way home alone the next morning Ellie sang, “But I wish I could feel it all for you, I wish I could be it all for you, if I could erase the pain maybe you’d feel the same, I’d do it all for you, I would.” I wished so badly that he would choose me. He never did.

Oceanlab’s “Satellite,” while an upbeat electronic song, still makes me impossibly sad. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting to find different results. After being left not once, not twice, but three times by this abusive punk rock loser, I finally pulled what was left of my own self from the wreckage and managed to walk away with some shreds of my own personality and dignity left to cultivate and finally nurse back to full health. Each time I hear that beat and “You’re half a world away, but in my mind I whisper every single word you say,” I can’t help but cringe and remember the eight years when every day was spent feeling so hopeless and alone I could have just ceased to exist.

Taylor Swift’s “I Almost Do” has been on repeat as of late, and in my current state of mind I find myself reaching for the phone, wanting to reach out to someone and then remembering that I shouldn’t waste my time on people who don’t care. I delete his number and I feel foolish for wasting my time, silly for believing the things that came out of his mouth when I was as disposable as a Styrofoam coffee cup, only useful until you’ve sucked the last drop from the depths. It starts after I lock up the bar at 3 AM and I’m walking home alone as the city sleeps. “I bet this time of night you’re still up, I bet you’re tired from a long hard week, I bet you’re sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city and I bet sometimes you wonder about me. And I just want to tell you it takes everything in me not to call you… every time I don’t, I almost do..”

I almost do. But I don’t, and I quicken my pace and I tuck the leaf that fell into my palm in the pocket of my black leather jacket. The wind picks up and I turn my head back towards the ground.

[..]

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Oct 2012 31

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Fabrizia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Fabrizia in Cottonwood]

Q: I just found that my boyfriend is in fact a werewolf. However, I’ve got an issue with, err, zoophilia. And tomorrow will be full moon, and we have already planned a romantic dinner with candles and some French wine. I don´t want to hurt his feelings, but figure it might be best to back out. What do you think?

A: Sigh. Werewolves can be soooo inconsiderate. I mean, really, planning a romantic dinner during a full moon? What was he thinking? The bigger question you might want to ask is, were you the actual dinner? Perhaps you can cancel this time, then coordinate your future dates around his “time of the month” and have your own girls night out when he is in full wolf-mode. Personally, I would stick to dating humans. They are less hairy, smelly, and most important…they actually exist!

Fabrizia
xoxo

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Oct 2012 29

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Perdita

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Perdita in Eames]

Q. I’m 27, and I haven’t had sex. Apparently, this is noteworthy and some kind of BFD. I’m not religious. I’m not waiting for marriage. I just haven’t found someone I like and trust enough. When I was younger, my first serious boyfriend did not treat me well, which included some incidents that, looking back, were assaults, though not rape. So I think it’s understandable that after that, I’m not looking to care about someone, have sex with them, and then be treated badly. I’d rather get to know someone first, before getting naked and making myself even more vulnerable. I’d rather feel safe that that isn’t going to happen again.

I’d actually really like to be having sex, and I’ve wanted to for some time. But I can’t seem to find anyone I’m attracted to, who is also attracted to me, who’s cool with not stripping down immediately. I’ve dated several guys in the last couple of years, but when they want to have sex and I say I’d like to wait, they lose interest. No, I don’t explain my past experience, because I don’t believe I am obligated to give a good enough reason to postpone sex. A good enough reason should be, “I don’t want to yet.” I also shouldn’t have to fall all over myself reassuring them that yes, I will have sex with them at some point in the future, as if they’d otherwise be wasting their time dating me.

I haven’t had success meeting anyone at work or in my grad school classes, or anywhere else. I’ve asked friends, and no one knows anyone to set me up with. So my dating has primarily been guys I meet on online dating websites. Is there some hidden, untapped market for non-religious, smart, funny, feminist guys who don’t think you’re a nutjob if you don’t want bone them before you even know them very well? If so, please share, or tell me what the heck I’m doing wrong here.

Signed,

Ladypants.

A: Hi Ladypants,

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear you are a victim of assault; it’s a terrible ordeal that no one should have to go through once, let alone multiple times. Given your past experiences I understand why you are so cautious of trusting others, and you have every right to feel this way.

However communication is key in building a strong, trusting relationship, and it has to go both ways. Your personal information is your business, but I think it will be healthier for everyone involved if you are a little more forward in regards to your expectations of the relationship from the beginning. It’s possible to say: “I’m very interested in you, I would like to get to know you more, and I’m definitely physically attracted to you. But due to some past negative experiences, I would like to wait to have sex.” Be direct and honest, because a little bit of honesty and openness goes a long way towards building trust.

And while you shouldn’t fall all over yourself to reassure someone, I don’t think it’s unfair to have multiple discussions on the topic, because you’re not the only person in the relationship. It’s important to for the other person to respect your feelings, but you also need to remember to respect their feelings as well.

As for the sex issue, if you want to wait for the “perfect moment” that’s totally cool, but sometimes you can miss quite a few good opportunities that way. Ultimately you need to take your time, and do what’s right for you. Just remember that communication is key, and that it takes two people to make a relationship successful.

Perdita

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Oct 2012 22

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Yesenia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Yesenia Suicide in Vesuvian]

Q. I am 29-years old and engaged to the love of my life. I lost my virginity late at 25. I’ve had several partners since then once I gained confidence. I’ve always been complimented on my performance and technique, had several repeat sex partners and even MILFs. If something didn’t work on them I changed it up until they were left gasping and overall giving the signals of satisfaction. The MILFs basically taught me I don’t cum until they cum. I did oral, shocker, different positions etc., all with tons of positive feedback.

My problem with the love of my life is that I have this huge sex drive and she basically has none. She doesn’t like oral – neither giving or receiving – rarely wants sex, and doesn’t like to try anything new. When we do have sex its just missionary. If I initiate sex I’m rejected so I have to wait for her to initiate, and when she seems to get close to orgasm she locks up and tries to get me to stop because she feels like she has to pee.

I am pretty romantic and romance in the past has rewarded me with sex. However in recent times when we go out to the beach, movies, parks, malls, aquariums, etc., usually, when we get home after these wonderful outings, instead of rewarding me with sex, she goes to sleep. I guess I am asking what I can do to make her happy sexually and want me more. Any guidance would be appreciated.

A: This is a tough question because there could be things in her past that make her feel awkward or negative towards sex. There are also may be medical or emotional reasons why she may shy away from sex. I would talk to her to see if there are any deeper issues that are causing her low sex drive. Make her feel comfortable and make sure she knows you love her and that sex is not a deciding factor. Tell her you care and want to make sure she is okay.

Girls don’t like to feel like a toy or tool, so make sure she feels like it’s not about you getting off, but more about the emotional connection between the two of you. Talk to her about why you like to make love to her. Maybe it makes you feel closer to her. Explain that you enjoy sharing that intimate moment with her?

Make sure too that your breath smells good and that you are showered. Look at her like she is the only person in the world you are thinking about. Tell her a very specific compliment, and be sure to offer lots of non-sexual affection too. Give her a kiss on the forehead while stroking her hair to the side.

If things are fizzling (which is totally normal), find a new way to provoke her interest in you – like a new hobby. My roommates have a very healthy relationship (I am jealous of it). They are always trying new things together. Right now they are into karate (though both of them have broken pinky toes right now from it, haha). Working out increases sex drive, and getting hot and sweaty together could be fun. Or try swing or salsa dance classes, which might help you get out of a sedentary rut, and provide lots of opportunity to get your flirt on. Alternatively a challenge like rock climbing could be a good way to create a new level of trust. Also, it’s said that dates which include as aspect of fear are great for creating strong bonds.

I hope this advice helps.

Best of luck to ya darlin’!

Yesenia
xoxo

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Oct 2012 19

by Blogbot

A column which highlights Suicide Girls and their fave groups.


[Delia Suicide in Cute Socks]

This week Delia tells us why the Rose Garden is such a beautiful place to visit.

Members: 196 [Private: For SGs Only] / Comments: 3,675

WHY DO YOU LOVE IT?: Rose Garden is a great place for SGs to discuss their mental illnesses without fear of judgment. The girls are extremely supportive. We have all had different experiences with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc., and there is always someone within the group who has an encouraging word. It’s a great place for like-minded girls to speak freely about things that they normally would not talk about in their blogs or on the message boards.



DISCUSSION TIP: One of the most important things to be aware of is that group members can easily be triggered by posts, so it’s always advisable to add a trigger warning or a disclaimer if something could make a member uncomfortable. There is a lot of sensitive material posted, and we all trust that any member would never betray the confidence of the group.



MOST HEATED DISCUSSION THREAD: The “Say Anything” thread is a great place for the girls to vent out their frustrations in a hold-nothing-back fashion. There is also a thread dedicated to three positive things that happened during the day, to remind us to find joy in the little things and not focus so much on the negative aspects of life.



BEST RANDOM QUOTE: “I never promised you a rose garden…”



WHO’S WELCOME TO JOIN?: It’s an SG-only group for girls who deal with mental illnesses including, depression, anxiety, personality disorders, and schizophrenia. Ladies who would like to join should message Anarchie at the same time as applying and briefly explain why you’d like to join.

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Oct 2012 18

by Laurelin

“And it’s electric: the neon hurt inside your phone call…”
~Something Corporate

There are few things in life I love and hate more than the glow and vibrating of a cell phone when you’re expecting something big. I use the term “big” loosely; 9 times out of 10 I’ve just said something to a guy and I’m not sure what he’s going to say: minutes crawl by like hours and then (as though I had been holding my breath the whole time) there it is, the reassuring buzz and glow. When that buzz is never returned however, we enter the moments where you become acutely aware you had been holding your breath, and you make that conscious decision to slowly exhale or simply pass out.

I remember one relationship in particular; one where when I woke up one morning he was just… gone. He had left me, I knew it, but when something so drastic happens you don’t just process it and know to move on. Your world is rocked, your foundation shaken to the core and everything you trusted – especially yourself – is betrayed. A year went by and everyday seemed the same, but in reality, a year is a year, and I suppose I was healing.

I remember I was at a party and I wasn’t even thinking about him. I was in a tube top that kept falling down and I stepped outside to the front step where no one inside would see me so I could tug it up. Mid tug my cell phone buzzed, and in the darkness of that October night I saw his name glowing. I literally felt my heart stop and I put my hand out to steady myself against the front door. I answered the call, and what happened after that is now insignificant and trite, but I will never forget that feeling; the wind knocked out of me with just a small glow in the dark.

Fast forward to now and I’m realizing that once again, I have made a mistake and started to let someone in, when really they had no business in my life in the first place. This isn’t a time stopping event, probably not even worth writing about, but I know I am and I probably will again. His texts, now few and far between, still managed to ruin my dinner when I looked down over a plate of crab rangoon and saw his name glowing in the gloom. Suddenly I wasn’t hungry and I wanted to dunk my iPhone into the giant bowl of duck sauce.

Earlier that day it had been a text from a married ex. “Saw this and thought of you,” he had said, sending a photo of a CD that played our song. Another one had stopped by the bar the night before and hugged me. “I’m sorry, I’m an ass and I didn’t call you on your birthday,” he said. “It’s okay,” I mumbled. “I didn’t call you on yours either.” He tells me to call him sometime, and I say I will although I know I won’t because I deleted his phone number when I was finally able to delete him from my life. I don’t expect to hear from him anytime soon.

I realize that I’m drifting off into my egg drop soup and I snap back to reality, tucking my cell phone into my purse and deciding to not look at it for the next hour. Suddenly it buzzes and I glance down just one last time. My defeated face turns into a bright grin, my cheeks turning red and my friends start to giggle and ask to see pictures when I show them who it is. Those boys… they know just the right moment to pop up and say hi. I make a conscious decision to leave my phone out of the duck sauce after all.

***

Laurelin is running the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure for breast cancer research and awareness on Saturday, October 20th; every donation counts and is greatly appreciated.

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