Q: My girlfriend and I recently moved in together and everything was wonderful. Then, just over a month ago, a close friend of hers passed away. Since then, she has been sending slightly mixed signals that she wants us to some day get engaged and that she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. However, she is nowhere near as affectionate as she used to be and is very irritable. I have tried talking to her about it, but it gets turned around and made into my fault. Is this the grief she is going through talking? Should I be worried that she is going to leave or that I’m not enough for her anymore?
Scared Lover from South Africa
A: First of all, my deepest condolences. I can’t imagine the pain and confusion you’re both experiencing right now.Grief is a complicated process and, after just a month, I’m afraid to say she’s barely scraped the tip of the iceberg here. You need to be patient. Death is a hard pill to swallow and she really needs you to be strong for her during this time. She is going to be extremely emotionally confused and you just need to go with it. Laugh with her when she’s happy, comfort her when she’s sad, and don’t expect her to make any sense for a while.
Her on-and-off behavior towards you may be just another way that she’s experiencing grieving. She’s realizing how short life is, so she wants to make that commitment. But she’s also experiencing the pain of losing someone so she’s likely terrified of going through it again. This could explain her bouts of coldness. Give her a few months to somewhat heal before having any kind of major relationship-changing discussion with her. She’s really not in any position to be making life-altering decisions right now.
I understand that her grief is taking a strain on you, and my heart really does go out to you, but you need to try and keep it together, for her sake. This really isn’t the best time to be confrontational. They say sometimes you have to put up with the rain in order to truly appreciate the rainbow, take this as a test of the strength of your relationship. If you can make it through this, you can make it through anything. And, honestly, the best thing you can do for her right now is to treat her the same way you always have, let her know she’s loved and that she isn’t alone.
How you proceed after this speed-bump is up to you, but I sincerely hope that your relationship manages to weather this storm intact.
Last week I saw the movie Kumare. It’s a tremendously important film that I really hope gets a lot of notice. But it’s a movie that will be widely misunderstood. Take, for example, the review in the June 29th issue of Entertainment Weekly. They say:
American filmmaker Vikram Gandhi adopted the singsong Indian accent of his elders, grew his hair long, posed as a guru, and found followers in Phoenix. And while he was at it, he kept cameras rolling to make this dubious Borat-esque documentary. Gandhi tries to dodge criticism of his mocking scam by rationalizing that even a phony wise man can offer real solace. Besides, he says, he learned something about sincerity — not to mention the value of film festivals as fertile ground for publicity stunts.
Now, I like Entertainment Weekly. I’m even a subscriber. But I’m not at all surprised that they were unable to grasp the point of this movie. As they say, this is a movie about a guy of Indian descent who posed as a guru and filmed it. But what Vikram Gandhi did was not in any way a “mocking scam” nor is this film at all “Borat-esque.” As Borat, Sasha Baron Cohen played his character and the reactions it got for laughs. And while there are plenty of funny moments in Kumare, Vikram is dealing with a much more serious and important subject. But it’s a subject that I doubt the writers at Entertainment Weekly have much close contact with and so perhaps I can forgive them for completely missing the point.
As I’ve often written in this blog and in my books, I am highly uncomfortable in my Buddhist robes. Even though I am entitled to wear the golden colored sash (called an o-kesa) of a so-called “Zen Master,” I rarely take the damned thing out of the box it lives in, in the bottom of my closet. This is because as soon as you put something like that on a certain segment of the people you meet start reacting to you in ways that I find highly bizarre and off-putting.
Uniforms are powerful and significant. This is why the police, our “boys in blue,” dress in special clothes. It’s why the President of the United States always has a red tie. It’s why priests of all religions dress up in funny outfits. People really respond to that stuff.
Vikram had a serious interest in why certain well-heeled middle-class Americans are so easily drawn to pretty much anyone with a funny accent who puts on a set of robes. His first idea was to make a documentary film about actual gurus. But what he found disgusted and deeply disturbed him. He uses a few of the interviews he conducted for this unfinished project in the early part of the movie. And some of them are really chilling.
The one that bugged me most was Bhagavan Das who says, “If I was a twenty year old girl, I would love hanging out with me. What could be more fabulous than having sex with a really spiritual mystical person?” Vkram cuts this together with shots of a slightly spaced out but very attractive young blonde who says of Bhagavan Das, “He’s the new teacher of this age, of this world. He’s someone who has the answer, I believe.” Yep. And the answer is in his pants.
Bhagavan Das, in case you were wondering, is an old teacher of Ram Dass, the guy who wrote Be Here Now, and has been milking his association with Ram Dass for the past forty years (he even titled his own book It’s Here Now (Are You?)). He was a hippie who went to India and became a yogi then made a lot of famous friends including Jimi Hendrix. Which is fine. But I saw him in that video and it’s hard to imagine sex with a dude that hairy would be all that fabulous for a twenty-year old girl.
I don’t want to draw this into yet another of my rants about the matter of spiritual teachers who sleep with their students. I wrote two books that go deeply into that subject. But it’s just one of the things that drove Vkram to undertake the important social experiment he documents in this film.
By putting on some orange robes and imitating his grandmother’s Indian accent and mannerisms, Vkram discovered that there are people out there who are willing to believe just about any damned thing as long as it’s spoken by someone who appears to represent some kind of mystical spiritual tradition from the mysterious East. He has them doing air guitar moves and getting little penises drawn on their foreheads. Not only that, he tells them straight up that the thing he’s drawing on their foreheads is a dick and they still let him do it.
These are not dumb people either. They are intelligent, educated and sincere. Nor does Vkram try to make them look like fools. Over and over again he takes pains to point out that pretty much anyone could potentially fall for this kind of thing if they were seeking “The Answer” outside of themselves.
But as the guru Sri Kumare, Vkram has a message. And his message is that the answer is always within each of us. That we do not need to seek it in someone else. He intends to prove that by first luring his followers in with the scam of the guru Sri Kumare and then revealing to them that he’s really just a guy from New Jersey. I won’t give away the ending. But suffice it to say, it’s pretty intense.
The thing is, though, as Entertainment Weekly failed to understand in spite of saying it in their review, “even a phony wise man can offer real solace.” Sri Kumare, phony as he is, ends up doing his followers some actual good. That’s because Vikram, the man inside the Sri Kumare guise, is at heart a good guy who truly does want to help — even if that wasn’t what he initially set out to do. He’s not trying to scam these people. He’s trying to make a very important point. Sure he’s also trying to get a hit movie out of it. And I really hope his movie is a hit because a lot of people need to see this film.
It’s going to upset a certain segment of the audience who will see themselves in Sri Kumare’s followers and feel that they’re being played for fools. And you know what? It ought to upset them. That is precisely the point. But this is going to make it tough for Vkram to get the film seen by the people who most need to see it. It would be sad if the only people who get into the film are those who see Sri Kumare’s followers as a bunch of idiots and who mistakenly believe they’re above all that.
As for me, who very definitely is one of the people who needed to see this movie, it’s got me thinking again about the whole matter of spiritual uniforms and the role of the teacher in the spiritual quest. It’s true that the answer is within each and every one of us. But it’s also true that most of us need someone else to help us see that. The film Kumare demonstrates this in a very concrete — and highly entertaining — way.
The question it raises for me is this; Does it really even matter if the teacher has any sort of grounding? Can anyone at all put on some robes and, if he or she is at least a decent person, act as a guide for others? Why should I insist that anyone I would pass my lineage on to be extremely balanced before I give them the paperwork that lets them wear one of those silly golden colored sashes? My tentative answer is, on the one hand pretty much anyone who is even just a bit balanced can help others find balance. But such a person could only help their followers to a limited degree.
Also, as Vikram in the guise of the guru Kumare discovered, putting on those robe can make you act differently. When people start to trust in you, as they trusted in the phony Sri Kumare, any decent person will feel the need to try and be worthy of that trust. This may be why Dogen extolled the virtues of wearing the o-kesa, calling it “the great robe of liberation.”
But those robes can also be a dangerous weapon. Putting on the robe may make a decent person inclined to act more decently. But a less decent person can use its mojo to get all kinds of things like money and sex and power. The movie Kumare only hints at the extent to which one can abuse such power. But the real world provides plenty of examples.
Q: I’ll just jump right into it. I’m 24 and single, have been my entire life. It’s definitely not by choice, just a long running series of me being an idiot, and saying the wrong thing at the right time.
Given, I am a nerd, always have been and always will be. But unlike the stereotype, I do have social graces. I can get along with pretty much anyone, short of them just generally being an asshole. It’s not the fear of rejection either, I’ve overcome that a while ago. I just have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I’m too impatient and can be over-bearing at times, which I’m trying to work on. I’m not an ugly guy by any means, I’m fairly average, and have a pretty awesome beard. I guess my question is: How do I garner interest? How do I get a girl to be interested in me?
The overwhelming lack of response most of the time is disheartening (does that even make sense?). I won’t whine about the “friend zone” either, because it doesn’t really exist; I believe if something’s there it could still happen, it’s just another meek, nerd stereotype that doesn’t lend itself to me. What do I do, hell, where should I even be looking? I appreciate any advice you can give me.
A: It sounds like you’re doing okay in some aspects of dating –– you’re not afraid of rejection, you get along with lots of different types of people, and you’ve got a beard (extra points!). It also really helps that you’re self aware enough to realize some stuff about you that might be a barrier to getting close to the ladies.
Sure, some people like intense dudes, but for many of us it’s a huge turnoff, so working really hard on improving your patience and intensity level should really help you connect with the girls you’re interested in. Ladies generally like to be pursued, but if you push too hard it’s easy for us to get scared off. Take it easy, and trust that your natural charm & good qualities are shining through.
How often do you meet new people? Are you often exposed to new ladies at friends’ parties, work, sports clubs or anywhere else? If not, you may want to try internet dating? It’s kind of nutty, on one hand, but I’ve found it an incredible way to meet people and practice my social skills. I’ve had the best and worst dates because of random dating sites! I definitely recommend this. You may not meet your dream girl, but you will probably have a lot of experiences that help hone your romantic senses. Internet dating is also great because you can find people who you connect with (on paper) and display yourself in a very straightforward way that makes it clear what you’re into.
When you’re interested in a lady, ask her questions about her likes and life. Don’t go on and on about yourself, and remember, coming on hard with too many compliments can seem insincere/strange. Cultivate a wide variety of interests. Not only does that help when you’re feeling bummed about not having a ladyfriend (it keeps you busy with things you’re really into), but it helps to give you avenues to meet new people. If you’re super boring, it’s more difficult to attract people to you.
Ask her out on a date, but not something typical like dinner and a movie. Some ideas: visit an aquarium, play bingo, go for a walk/hike somewhere nice, go to a botanical garden, plan a picnic, play darts/pool/bowling/laser tag, go to an old-school arcade, visit a planetarium, go to an author reading or lecture series at a bookstore, library or university, etc.
Hopefully this helps and you soon find yourself having lots of fun dates!
Q: I have been going through a long divorce, it has taken most of my time away from my girlfriend and she is growing more and more irritated with me. I on the other hand, have been doing every thing I can to finalize all the paperwork and move on. But she thinks I’m trying to get back with my ex no matter what I tell her. As far as I know she is a pretty trusting person, and I haven’t given her any reason to not trust me. I just don’t know what to do. Should I push through it? I really love her, and don’t want to lose her because of my crazy ex wife.
A: All I can say is… get that shit over with as soon as possible. Talk to your girlfriend about her distrustfulness and step it up a notch to show her that she’s the only object of your affection. Are you still in touch with your (almost) ex-wife? Limit the contact you have with her. Don’t talk shit about her, just acknowledge that she once mattered but doesn’t anymore. If you still own any of her crap, get rid of it now. When will the divorce be finalized? Celebrate with your girlfriend when you’re officially a free man. You could even throw a divorce party if that’s your thing. Bottom line: spend more time with your girlfriend, and less time on anything that has to do with your ex.
Last night, sitting in a barstool while sipping my Sam Adams Summer Ale, I seriously wished that I were anywhere else. My mind wandered: I thought of going on vacation, I wondered what everyone was doing at my bar, if it was busy, I wondered about my bed, and what would be on TV when I got home. I wondered if it was going to rain tomorrow, if I would sleep in or if I would get up and go for a run. I wondered if I would be hungover. Probably not.
It’s another Tuesday, and the most excitement I’ve had all night is tracing the outline of the snakeskin print leather barstool. My two friends sitting next to each other are squawking about their relationships and I am trying not to fall over out of sheer boredom. We’ve been out since 7 PM. It was 1 AM. My brain had officially turned to relationship mush.
“He doesn’t touch me anymore,” one says. “I go home, he ignores me, he wakes up, goes to work, I know he doesn’t love me.” The other shakes her head vigorously in agreement.
“I KNOW,” she says. “Mine doesn’t love me either. I said I love you to him and he didn’t say it back. Laurelin, what do you think?” She says, turning towards me and asking for advice that I know she’ll never take.
“I think I’m going to stab myself in the throat,” I say absentmindedly. The two girls look at me, horrified. I totally didn’t mean to say that out loud. What I meant to say, and what I had been saying all night is this: How can two beautiful, amazing, once independent woman stay in these loveless relationships simply because they don’t want to be alone?
“We live together,” one says. “
We work together,” says the other. I’ve been down both of those roads, and you know what? You do right by you. You make the important decisions and you trust that one day, you will meet someone who is right for you. Some day you will find your best friend, that one guy who wants you to come home and crawl into bed even if it’s late, the one who won’t leave you sobbing in the street after telling you you’re “lucky” he came home because he totally could have banged that chick at the bar.
These poor women; They often look at me with sadness in their eyes because when I ask them to go out a lot of the time they can’t – they’re with their boyfriends. “Aren’t you lonely?” they ask, the question dripping with pity. Yes. The answer is yes, I am so lonely that sometimes it’s all I can do not to just fling myself into bed at the end of each long day, praying to never wake up. I am so lonely sometimes that I call my ex-boyfriend and tell him to come over when I know he’s been drinking, just so I can listen to him snore and remember what it’s like to sleep next to a warm body.
But I am not so lonely that I would ever do what these girls are doing. Love is hard and relationships need to be worked on. But these, these have been dead for a long time and that type of lonely, well that is something I don’t have. My lonely can be solved with the simple concept of hope. I haven’t met someone yet. I will. I always do. With every sunrise and sunset I never know what’s around the corner, but these girls, they do, and it makes me so sad and bored for them that I could just die.
We walk home later, and one of them is crying. “I can’t do this anymore,” she says. I hug her and tell her to do the right thing, whatever that is. I fall asleep alone, and I know she’s drying her eyes before her boyfriend sees that she’s been crying.
I text her the next day, “How’d it go?” and she writes back like nothing ever happened. “Fine,” she says, “I was just being silly. He went golfing. We’re going to the movies later.”
Q: I’ve been married for seven years to my high school sweetheart – if you can call him that – I just call him my legally bound roommate. During our marriage I was faithful for the first 6 1/2 years. Him? Well that’s a different story. He’s cheated on me 3 times that I know of. The worst was when I found out about the first two 6 months after my mom died. The last one was about a year ago.
I forgave him so quick the first time when I found out just because I didn’t want to lose him, but this last time has taken longer because I don’t know what I want anymore. Since I found out we’ve done the marriage counseling thing. It seemed like it was working, but he had to stop because he travels for work. He’s only home for about 5 days out of the month and over the summer he went to Australia for 3 weeks.
When he got back I told him that in my mind he hooked up with someone while he was gone and whether he had or hadn’t I didn’t want confirmation because it would just make things worse. While he was gone, I kind of took it upon myself to do what I wanted when I wanted. I mean, he did it, so why couldn’t I? And in all honesty, it felt nice – and still does.
I don’t want to loose him but I don’t know if I really want to stay married either. The idea of an open marriage sounds appealing but I know in all honesty that would probably be the first step of the demise of us. I know I love him, but I just can’t seem to figure out if I’m still in love with him.
A: Seven years is a long time, I commend you for staying in a relationship so long. I speak from personal experience when I say I know exactly what it is like to fall in love and then move in with your high school sweetheart. Me and mine were together for over six years before we finally broke it off. However, your situation…well, it’s a toughy, isn’t it?
I will just cut straight to the chase: A CHEATER IS A CHEATER IS A CHEATER. Very rarely do cheaters change. And for him to have abandoned you when you needed him the most for some nookie – that’s even worse.
I truly empathize with you, because when my mother was in the hospital, all one of my guy friends was trying to do was fuck, so I can appreciate how incredibly insensitive he is as well. Under the circumstance, the fact that you stayed faithful for so long is even more commendable. I’m slightly reminded of the song, “I Shoud’ve Cheated.” You should look it up – a little music therapy for you.
And honey, those are the three times THAT YOU KNOW OF. Again, I wouldn’t have forgiven him after the first incident. But when you say, “You did what you want to do,” that implies that you cheated as well, and, sweetheart, two wrongs certainly do not make a right.
I have a personal philosophy when it comes to cheating: If he loved you, he would have never cheated in the beginning. The opposite side of that, as I see it, is that the minute you had sex with that other guy while in a committed relationship it meant you were basically admitting to yourself that you were no longer in love with him.
Truly, this is your decision, but in reality, however subconsciously, it seems like you’ve already made it. I can understand that you love him, but are you in love with him? And how deep does that love run? Will it cost you your dignity? Your heart? This may just be a relationship that has run its course and that is emotionally healthier to let go. But, ultimately, only you can know what path you need to take.
If it were me, I hope I’d have the strength to take the path away from a man who cheats, who will continue to cheat, and who will break your heart again and again and again. Stay strong and stay focused on what makes you happy. Remember, YOU COME FIRST.
Q: My girlfriend of seven years left me recently and it devastated me. We lived together for most of that time, and I was ready to marry her. After she landed a new job in a salon, our communication broke down starting a downward spiral. We never really fought about anything of importance, and we’re incredibly happy and good together up to the end. She left saying it was because she felt under appreciated/loved and that we were growing apart. I know I fell into a ‘funk’ and became less outwardly affectionate towards the end, but the feelings I have only grew, not subsided. It’s been two months and haven’t had any contact, and I want nothing more than the chance to see if she was right about growing apart and see where that takes us. What can I do to try and get her to see that I’m a changed man that understands what went wrong, and that I was a chance to start over and date her again?
—A sad and optimistic guy in the South Bay
A: If you are looking to “reconnect” with her, contact her and see where her head is. Maybe she is in the same mind set or maybe she isn’t. All you can do is ask. If she feels that enough time hasn’t past or really just wants to move on and away from the relationship you had, then really all you can do is respect it and try something new in your life.
Try dating someone else when you feel your heart is healed enough and take things slow. I am sure it will feel weird at first, but in time maybe you will see more “little things” that maybe weren’t so right with your past relationship.
Getting a little perspective with time and space, will help you realize the things you don’t want in a current relationship, and also recognize the things that were good that you would like to carry over to a new one.
Like I say, talk to each other and see if a reconciliation is possible. if not, have a Plan B and start there. Maybe in time she’ll realize what she wants is what she already had, and maybe she won’t. Who know, by then you may have something even better anyways.
