Guys, the Republican Debate in Las Vegas, Nevada happened Tuesday night…I’m writing about it now because I needed all of Wednesday to process what the fuck happened. Here are the highlights:
Michelle Bachmann, who is completely batshit crazy and was dressed like a sea captain for some reason, unleashed her “double wall” plan. She was very proud of the fact that she’s the only candidate to sign a plan with a double wall to protect our borders from illegal crossings. Michelle Bachmann is campaigning on the “double bag it” platform. It doesn’t work on condoms and it ain’t gonna work on illegal border jumping. Go back to your padded cell.
Ron Paul was there, and reminds me of that crazy uncle that is always invited to family gatherings though all anyone does is talk about how crazy he is and how they have no idea why they still allow him to come around. They just let him putter around in his boxer shorts and tattered robe talking to himself because he’s family. So he was there. Earlier in the day, he had talked to Wolf Blitzer about how he wants to get rid of five government cabinet positions and their associated agencies to cut $1 trillion from the budget including the Department of Energy and Department of Education –– cause who needs those? At the debate he brought up that time that Ronald Regan negotiated with terrorists and how no one held it against him. You guys remember that right? Regan negotiating with terrorists?
Next is Herman Cain, who scares me. His ideas are ludicrous and there’s a video of him singing “Imagine There’s No Pizza” set to the tune of the idealistic John Lennon classic. To top his crazy ass pizza off, he was quoted as saying: “Jesus was killed by a liberal court.” He also stated in a paper called The Perfect Conservative that “He (Jesus) helped the poor without one government program. He healed the sick without a government health care system. He fed the hungry without food stamps.” Continuing, Cain also noted that, “For three years He was unemployed, and never collected an unemployment check.” Maybe that’s because none of that existed, but I digress.
So at the debate everyone went apeshit over Cain’s 9-9-9 plan –– which sadly didn’t involve 9-inch pizzas with 9 toppings for $9.99. No Cain’s 9-9-9 plan involves 9% corporate business flat tax, 9% income flat tax and a 9% national sales tax. Everyone then jumped on how stupid this plan is. Rick Perry implied that it’s actually going to cost people more (which it will). Howard Cain explains it as “Mixing apples and oranges. State tax is an apple we are replacing apples with oranges. We are replacing current tax codes with oranges.” Well, thank Christ Herman, because I was worried about our vitamin C intake! Are Republican’s allergic to coherent explanations?
Moving on to Mitt Romney, he explained Romneycare, which is basically Obamacare. In fact lots of Republican’s were pissed at Mitt because his advisors told Obama how to put together Obamacare. So Mitt says, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Romney care works great. Massachusetts loves it,” but he would “never impose this on the nation”. Yeah man, don’t impose a working system on a nation that’s ranked below numerous so-called third world countries for healthcare. That’s madness!!!
But now we come to the big dogs, the main event: ROMNEY vs. PERRY. These dudes hate each other, and they don’t even try to hide it. Mitt Romney touched Rick Perry. Now that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but you do not touch your opponent during a debate. You do not place your hands on someone to get them to stop talking like they are a 5-year old upset about someone stealing their ball at recess. Romney then followed up this condescending gesture with this condescending quote: “You have a problem with letting people finish speaking. If you want to President you need to learn how to let both sides finish.” I’m sorry Mitt Romney, but your vast knowledge on how to be President comes from where? If you want to be President, maybe you should keep your pompous holier than thou attitude in check.
My favorite part of the debate was the moment Rick Perry brought up the fact that Mitt Romney employed illegals to work at his property as gardeners. Guys, I know it’s shocking, right? So Romney continues to mess with Texas, he does not give a fuck! He’s like, “Listen Tex!” OK, he didn’t exactly say that, but in my version of the debate he totally did. What he did say was that when he found out about the undocumented workers he confronted the company and told them, “Look, you can’t have any illegals working on our property. I’m running for office, for Pete’s sake.”
Wow, just wow. Drop the mic and walk off stage ‘cause it is over. Let me break down that quote that Republican Presidential candidate said on national TV at a debate:
- Part 1: “You can’t have any illegals working on our property.”
He doesn’t say, “You can’t hire illegals period.” He says you just can’t have them on his property…which brings us to part two:
- Part 2: “I’m running for office, for Pete’s sake.”
In other words the exploitation of immigrants for two bucks an hour would be totally fine if I wasn’t being looked at under a microscope. Where does it end Romney? “Get these drugs outta my house I’m running for office for Pete’s sake!” “Get that Tijuana stripper and donkey out of my back room, I’m running for office for Pete’s sake!” Guys, it’s gonna be epic at Romney’s house after he’s done running for office.
This campaign has more bad acting, dialogue, and action than a Stallone movie franchise. I cannot wait for PERRY and ROMNEY in REPUBLICAN DEBATE IX!
