by Laurelin

Change over time is a strange thing; it’s so gradual and so fast at the same time. One day you open your eyes and you’re like, wow, where did the time go? How did I get here in this apartment with all this stuff, with this job and this… life.

That’s how I felt high school and college were, and then all the years after that –– a montage of years blending, flickering in my memory like old movies, set to the most beautiful music. It all seemed to be only an exhale in a series of breaths, and all the breaths gone with only the slightest breeze before I’m even aware I’ve drawn another. It was forever and no time at all at the same time, and when it was finally over I couldn’t place how I had changed, or when; I just knew that somehow, I had. Looking back on the past month of my life I am finally able to look at something and know that without a doubt, this instance was when everything changed. This moment was mine.

I have always coasted though life with minimal responsibilities. At almost 30 I have to say I have the best and worst of it all: I have worked hard for every penny I’ve earned. I’ve always paid my own way. I fell into bartending because it paid my bills and still allowed me to party. This was a community where I could drink and stay up late and have a family, and a home away from home. I watched every friend I ever had in high school and then college settle and get married, start families, buy houses. And I stayed the same. I don’t think I ever had a problem, but I certainly never had any solutions. I never thought of it as a career, but it all of a sudden was mine, and while others turned up their noses I decided to make it my own. I never thought that anyone else would imagine me as being able to run a bar on my own; it was always someone else’s job. But then all of a sudden, there it was. An offer for this place to be mine –– really, actually mine.

Being offered a management position in an industry that has always allowed me to coast through life with minimal responsibilities seemed at first frightening. I can’t do this! Other people do this! It was scary, knowing that someone saw something in me, someone thinks I could run the show. What if I’m not good at it? What if I let everyone down? A chance to shine is also a chance to fail, and I always ran from responsibility in fear of failing. Mulling over my fate clutching my usual pint of beer, I consciously make a choice. This job I’ve chosen might not be what “everyone else” is doing, but it can be a career, it’s always been mine. I took a week to think about it and when I was finally ready to say “yes,” I knew that my life would never be the same. This was one of those moments where you take control and literally steer your life down one path. Mentally, I strap on my seatbelt and brace for impact.

My new manager pants seem to be fitting alright, but at the same time I am still so lost; working amongst friends and ex-boyfriends, trying to find my voice of authority while also trying to remain one of the gang. I have no idea who this person is who is supposed to be in charge. I feel like I haven’t found my voice. I can’t even control the color of my cheeks around my ex, how can I control the bar? I may not feel like I can find that voice of authority, but I have always had MY voice, and sometimes I hear that person I want to be stepping forward and speaking, as though someone else is finally accepting a role, and it takes a minute to realize that that person really is me.

I’m settling in in my own way, piece by piece. I’ve come to the conclusion that for me, there really isn’t a life beyond the bar scene. Some people were created just for this; born of late nights, shaken cocktails, of phone numbers and thoughts scribbled on cocktail napkins and spilt beer. I like to think that I didn’t just fall into this because it was easy. That’s how it started, sure. But it’s not how it’s going to end.

[..]

by Andrew Shaffer

“There’s a very fine line between pleasure and pain, Anastasia. They are two sides of the same coin, one not existing without the other. I can show you how pleasurable pain can be.”

– Christian Grey, the hero of E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey

“Patrons at my library are freaking out over 50 Shades of Grey,” Chicago librarian Leah White told me. Since the BDSM erotic romance novel (and its two sequels) is available only as “print-on-demand” through a small Australian publisher (TheWritersCoffeeShop.com), libraries and bookstores have had trouble keeping it in stock. Still, its popularity has steadily grown in the US over the past year, fueled in part by ebooks, which account for more than 90% of the trilogy’s 100,000-plus sales.

According to one Huffington Post blogger in January, the book is so engrossing that “moms are forgetting to pick their kids up from school.” And on March 1, following a salacious story in the New York Post, 50 Shades of Grey finally hit the top spot on Amazon’s Kindle books bestseller list. Today Show host Hoda Kotb even jumped on the bandwagon. “Hello steamy!” she tweeted after downloading the ebook. (This was particularly alarming to me, since my mother watches Hoda and her co-host Kathie Lee Gifford religiously.) Has BDSM gone mainstream?

First, let’s look at the plot of 50 Shades of Grey. Anastasia Steele, a college-age virgin who has never been kissed, meets Christian Grey, the 27-year-old billionaire CEO of Grey’s Enterprises Holdings. Christian is unbelievably handsome with his “tousled hair” and “expensive body wash.” He is also unbelievably kinky. He lost his virginity to a dominatrix when he was fifteen, and, after five years as her submissive, became a dom himself. He used his vast wealth to turn a room in his penthouse apartment into a virtual dungeon, nicknamed the “Red Room of Pain.” And he wants to share his love of BDSM (and fine wine, classical music, and Bruce Springsteen) with Anastasia.

The sex is well-written and James’ portrayal of BDSM is, for the most part, accurate. While Christian and Anastasia start out with “vanilla” sex acts, they gradually add spanking, bondage, riding crops, and object insertion into their repertoire. While such activities are old hat in the erotic fiction genre, they are shockingly explicit for a book being discussed by mainstream media. James teases the reader with an exhaustive list of sex acts and scenarios by way of a D/S contract. “No fisting, you say. Anything else you object to?” Christian asks Anastasia. “Anal intercourse doesn’t exactly float my boat,” she says. He responds, “I’ll agree to [remove] the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia.” The author takes the D/S relationship to extremes, however, as Christian attempts to prohibit Anastasia from snacking between meals and dictate how many times a week she works out (four, if you must know). As many readers have wondered, Is this BDSM or Weight Watchers?

The one problem I had with James’ portrayal of BDSM is the use of the lifestyle as “evidence” for how “dark” the hero is. “I’m fifty shades of fucked up, baby,” he tells Anastasia, a reference to both his abusive past and his love of BDSM.

“It wants us to think of Christian’s BDSM as something that’s wrong with him, a symptom of his inner, childhood demons,” Angela Toscano writes on the romance blog Dear Author. “But it also wants us to get off on it. Like teenage girls giggling over pictures of penises, it seems to say of BDSM, ‘Tee he he he! That’s so gross,’ but secretly loving the titillation that comes from viewing the forbidden.” It’s in sharp contrast to the sex-positive portrayal of BDSM as healthy and normal that one finds in most erotic fiction.

Some media outlets have dubbed 50 Shades of Grey “mommy porn” for the book’s almost singular appeal to middle-aged mothers, most of whom have never read an erotic book (let alone one featuring BDSM). “I am not in the habit of reading erotica, but this trilogy makes it seem okay, even for Westchester county,” one reader wrote.

Why this book? If you’re looking for erotic women’s fiction, there’s no shortage of better books out there, something even the most rabid E.L. James fans admit. But part of the book’s appeal is that “everybody is reading it.” A quick glance at Amazon reveals that customers who bought 50 Shades of Grey also bought the Hunger Games trilogy, Heaven is for Real, Steve Jobs’ biography, and novels by Nicholas Sparks and Jodi Picoult. In other words, big, popular books and authors.

Regardless of why it’s popular, 50 Shades of Grey‘s very existence is leading to some interesting, sex-positive discussions. “I found myself explaining what BDSM was to some of the moms at Saturday morning basketball,” publicist Alison Brod told The New York Post. Whether or not this signifies that BDSM (or even erotica) has gone mainstream is up in the air at this point, but it’s not inconceivable that 50 Shades of Grey could potentially do for BDSM what Twilight did for vampires.

Andrew Shaffer is the author of Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love, a book which takes a humorous look at the disastrous love lives of history’s smartest men and women. His writing has appeared in Mental Floss and Maxim. Stephen Colbert, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, once called Shaffer’s atheist Christmas cards “un-American.” Visit him online at EvilReads.com/.

He is currently serializing a Fifty Shades of Grey parody (Fifty-One Shades, because it’s one better) at: EvilReads.com/Fifty-One-Shades

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Morgan

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I’m the girlfriend of a fella who is has always been a big PS3 fan, but lately I feel like it’s replacing me. Like I swear I think it hurts him to leave it for long enough to have sex. And when were done, he’s running back to it. What can I do? Really wanting to smash it with a bat 🙁

A: Even as someone who is a pretty dedicated gamer myself, I sympathize. No matter what your significant other is busy with, it can feel hurtful to feel that they are more interested in a hobby than they are in you. The best advice I can give you is to talk directly to your boyfriend about this. When you do, try to avoid sounding accusatory or implying that you want him to give up PS3 completely.

Use “I” statements to tell him in more detail about your reactions when he spends too much time gaming and not enough time with you: “I feel like I don’t get to spend enough time with you when you game all evening,” for example. A good partner should be able to make a compromise with you so that he feels like he still gets to enjoy his hobby, but you don’t feel ignored because of it.

Morgan

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Blogbot

Yes, Mistress: Exploring Sexual Rebellion And Power With Snow Mercy, Koko and Brad Warner…This Sunday (March 11) on SuicideGirls Radio we’ll have our whips and chains handy as we head down into our dungeon to explore BDSM. Professionally curious co-hosts, Nicole Powers (SG’s Managing Editor) and Darrah de jour (SG’s Red, White and Femme columnist and resident sensuality expert), will be joined by dominatrix Snow Mercy and submissive Koko Kitten. SG’s Hardcore Zen columnist Brad Warner will also be on hand to join in the spanking good fun and offer a spiritual perspective on this taboo topic. We’ll cover everything from rope-play to role-play, forced feminization to tease and withhold, and light-pain to something a little more hardcore.

Tune in to the world’s leading naked radio show for two hours of totally awesome tunes and extreme conversation – and don’t let yo momma listen in!

Listen to SG Radio live Sunday night from 10 PM til Midnight on suicidegirlsradio.indie1031.com/

Images: Nena Suicide in Fetish Kitty.

by Jen Friel

Hi friends,

We haven’t met yet, but I’d like to introduce myself…I’m @JenFriel. I am a lifecaster and corporate sponsored minimalist that went out on over 103 dates in 9 months while I was couch surfing for a year building my website (TalkNerdyToMeLover.com) and bartering social media to live. I’m an accidental expert in dating, and am here to share with you some tips and tricks that I learned during the course of my ongoing OKCupid project.

What is OKCupid, you may ask? Well, it’s only the nerdiest of nerdy dating websites! They use math to get you dates, and created an algorithm for compatibility that I can attest is pretty darn accurate!

Algorithms aside though, the one thing that I have noticed is that guys don’t understand how to actually set up a profile. I mean, they get the very basics – but they don’t understand what a female is looking for in a profile, or WHY some profiles work over others. This is where I would like to help. Here, pull up a chair…

1. Choose your username wisely.

I can’t begin to tell you how important choosing a username is – it’s one of the FIRST things a chick will notice.

A good username will consist of something that reflects your personality, and shows off who you are (while still remaining anonymous if that’s your cup of tea). Example: JohnLuvsGiants

A username such as that might tell me that one, your name is John, and two that you either love the football team The Giants, or you have a Paul Bunyan fetish. Either is kosher for Passover, but does tell me a bit about who you are.

A less than desirable username is anything that includes and of the following words: crazy, horny, mofo, bad, 69, fyckr, humpyoulikedogandyoulllikeit.

Chicks notice this, man – be true to you, and keep it real.

2. Answer the questions

I know that that sounds weird and straight forward since that is what the site is about – but I can’t begin to tell you how many guys have said to me, “I just wanted to wait for the date before getting to know the person.” The problem with that statement is the fact that you are NEVER going to get to know the girl, because she won’t reply back to your message because you had a 0% compatibility because you didn’t answer any friggen questions! Yes, dating has an ebb and flow, and yes, first dates are about discovery – however, to get that first date you have to get her attention. How are you going to do that? Be the guy that answers questions and show her how compatible you are by commenting on one single detail from her profile, and asking her to elaborate on it in the email.

3. Select a default that is a clear shot of a face with you genuinely smiling, and then have the rest of the pictures in your profile tell the story of your life.

I can’t begin to tell you how many guys mess this part up. They put a picture of themselves at a bbq with a sunglasses and hat on. I even had one friend have himself in a field with flags as his default picture. When I inquired as to why he selected that for his default his response was, chicks love flags!

*facepalm*

Dude, chicks don’t like flags. A chick wants to see your FACE!!! A clear shot, with a genuine “this is me actually being happy and not forced” smile. Let the female judge your attractiveness; it is your job in the default to be as neutral as possible.

Then, in all of the additional photos uploaded to the album (up to 10), you tell the story of your life. Like hiking? Show off some pics of you on various trails. Have you gone skydiving? Or like something equally cool and rad? Show it off!!! Post those pics, be you – have fun with it, tell the female your story.

4. Keep your profile brief and to the point.

I heart twitter. The microblogging site has conditioned me to get CRAZY good at finding ways to say things in as short of characters as possible. Do this with your profile!! Spit it out, get it out, but keep it brief. No one wants to be reading a novel when it comes to a dating profile. Keep things light and funny, while showcasing your personality. (Unless of course you are a horribly boring human being that enjoys watching paint dry and counting the holes in your ceiling; in that case, maybe online dating isn’t for you.)

Best of luck out there guys, and if you have any questions please hit me up on twitter: @JenFriel. I’d love to hear from you! xoxo

Like what you’ve read? You can also join Jen and her friends in the Talk Nerdy To Me, Lover live stage show called the Dirty Truth About Nerdy Girls on March 23 at 9:30 PM at The Little Modern Theater in Hollywood, CA. For more info visit TalkNerdyToMeLover.com/stage-show/

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Yesenia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: Me and my ex-boyfriend have a lot of drama going on still. We ended our relationship about three months ago, however, after we broke up we have been seeing each other almost every day. We have sex and still act like a couple around each other. I even made a trip with him and his family over the Christmas holiday.

Please help.

A: I would talk to him about it. Talking to the girl isn’t going to do any good. He is the one essentially dating two girls, and he is the one you want to be with. He is therefore the one you should talk to.

Be honest about your feelings for him and that you want a relationship again. Since you are not committed to each other at this time, you are both allowed to see other people. If that is not something that you are okay with, I would be open about those feelings. Think about what you expect out of your time together and try to have a “bird’s eye view” of the situation.

Ultimately though, if he’s not willing to return to an exclusive situation, and that’s what you want, you must be prepared to walk away – completely this time – since clearly this current situation is not making you happy and is therefore not a healthy one for you.

Good luck!

Yesenia
xx

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

People always think that as a bartender I must be always surrounded by men. Flirting with the bartender is just what people do, it’s true. I’m going to be honest though — besides the occasional coworker, in my years behind the bar I have never once met and wound up hooking up with or dating a guy I’ve met while working. I am friendly, but I am not one of those girls who bats her eyelashes for tips. I would rather impress you with my knowledge of beer selection than with my boobs (although I do have a pretty perky rack).

That being said, let’s move on to something a little on the girly side: hair. I have spent the majority of my life as a faux ginger. My hair is naturally mousy brown, and in high school (without my parents permission of course) I started dying it auburn. With the exception of a few years of rebellion with crazy haircuts and experimenting with pinks, blues, and purples, I have always had long, red hair. I woke up one morning about a month ago with a new idea in my head. Blonde. I wonder…Not an hour later I found myself in a salon chair covered in foils, and an hour after that, I was a different person. I looked in the mirror and couldn’t believe it. Could I touch it? Is this me?

I didn’t think anyone would care, but as the days went by I started to notice a serious difference in the way men talked to me. People held doors, bought me drinks, smiled more. Is this for real? Maybe it was in the way I held myself; I had just received two promotions at both my jobs and I admit to having a bit more pep in my step as of late. Either way, people always say blondes have more fun, and I’m starting to think they weren’t kidding. My bar shifts end in multiple phone numbers written on napkins and bar receipts. Guys hang around a little past closing and ask what I’m doing after work, I need to shove them out the door and try not to laugh. People whistle in the streets and I’m wondering, was I invisible as a red head? Seriously?

The other night at a charity event I met this guy who on paper, seemed perfect. We chatted, I wasn’t exactly interested but I wasn’t not interested. He wound up having too much to drink and in ordering us a round of beers he made a snide comment, purposely insulting the bartender. I was horrified, but I thanked him for the chat and went to find my friends. I could feel his eyes on me for the rest of the night, and I wished I had anywhere else to be.

One week later, I’d just started a shift at work. Before I can even take off my coat, I look up and there he is, the guy from the charity event. My cheeks burn and I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out.

“Do you remember me?” he asks.

“Yes…” I say.

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he says. “I can’t believe I didn’t get your number. Please, go out with me.” I look around, wondering if anyone else is hearing this. The coat I have taken only halfway off suddenly feels like a million pounds of wool, and I start sweating.

“Um, I’m flattered, but I’m kind of seeing someone…” I manage to stammer.

“I don’t care,” he says. “One coffee date.” Whelp, that’s it for me. The scent of desperation on anyone makes bile rise in my throat but at the same time I feel so bad for this guy that I can barely stand it.

“You should go,” I say. He doesn’t go, he stares at me, and as the other bartender walks up I hold my hand up in a half wave, and he finally gets it. He leaves, and I start my shift shaking.

Fucking blonde hair, seriously. I’m in trouble.

[..]