by Yashar Ali

At a holiday party this year, I noticed an R. Kelly song playing on my friend’s iPod. I looked at two of my (male) friends who were standing nearby and asked, “You guys are listening to R. Kelly?”

One of them responded, “Yeah, so what?”

“He seduced under-age girls and I’ve seen the video of him peeing on one of them. Remember when he (illegally) married Aaliyah (R&B singer who is now deceased) when she was 15 and he was 30?”

“I separate the music from the person,” the same friend said.

“Oh god–I’m sure you listen to Chris Brown too,” I said with frustration in my voice.

My other friend chimed in and confirmed, defiantly, “Yeah! I do.”

Here is a reminder: in 2009, singer and dancer Chris Brown was charged and convicted for beating, biting, and choking his girlfriend, singer Rihanna, while they were in a car in Los Angeles. With respect to R. Kelly, in 2002 he was indicted on multiple counts of possessing and filming child pornography, and through years of legal maneuvering, was able to have the charges dropped when the then 14 year-old girl refused to testify against him. She, in fact, told people that it was consensual. He was able to avoid jail by making multiple cash settlements, including one to the girl in the video.

Of course, Chris Brown and R. Kelly aren’t the only examples of male artists who abuse women. We need to look no further than Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson as examples of men who still get chances despite their abuse of women.

How many people tagged their tweets with “#winning” during Charlie Sheen’s summer meltdown? How obsessively was his narcissistic tour cheered and celebrated by both men and women? Ignoring the fact that over years and years, Charlie Sheen has been accused and imprisoned for terrorizing the women in his life, I take no great pleasure in saying that his punishments would have been more severe had some of his accusers not been sex workers.

Mel Gibson readily admits, on tape, to beating his girlfriend Oksana and he has yet to be driven out of the film business. Major movie studios, like Warner Brothers, still want to be in business with him.

This idea of separating the artistry from the person is perfectly plausible if the artist, when guilty of making mistakes, is truly repentant. And it’s also plausible when these mistakes do not cause physical harm on other people.

But, I (and all of us), must draw the line at supporting and enriching men who are pedophiles, in Kelly’s case, and virtually unrepentant domestic abusers in the case of Brown, Sheen, and Gibson. There is a difference between an artist who makes mistakes and an artist who abuses women (or men) and lacks any sense of remorse.

Both of my friends at that party are two of the biggest supporters of my writing about women. In fact, they have read almost all of my work and have been helpful to me beyond what a good friendship calls for. They are also both close to their respective mothers – they are really good men, which is why I have shared this experience with you. It would be much easier to dismiss their feelings if they didn’t treat the women in their life with respect, if they weren’t fundamentally good people.

For me, this is ultimately about one question: how can men and women stand by and separate what happened to women like Rihanna, from the women in our own lives? We shouldn’t. In our culture, we tend to compartmentalize the trauma others face as a coping mechanism of sorts. It’s a way to shield ourselves from their pain, and also a way to avoid having to help or being held accountable for not helping.

Separating the artist from the music is a convenient way to avoid looking at Chris Brown’s abuse of Rihanna, but the only way to deal with an injustice is avoid this separation, to absorb and understand the pain. That’s the way in which we have always solved or worked to solve injustices: to understand and acknowledge the inter-connectivity.

For purposes of this column, I’m going to focus on Chris Brown, who has come out virtually unscathed from his domestic abuse charges. He is back in action, with a hit album, a tour, and recently as a recipient of three Grammy nominations. His passionate fan base, mostly made up of young girls, is stronger than ever.

I’m a big believer in second, third, fourth chances. I believe most people are fundamentally good and also fundamentally flawed. But I’ll readily admit that when it comes to domestic violence, I find it difficult to forget and move on.

Why?

We now know that the 2009 instance in the car wasn’t the first time Chris Brown had assaulted Rihanna. There is rarely a case of a man hitting a woman just once. Ultimately, domestic violence is not just about the physical assault, but the consistent manipulation, emotional abuse, imposition of fear in the victim. It’s about terrorizing their entire life.

Still, despite every privilege and opportunity, Chris Brown, in my mind, has blown his second chance – for those folks who were interested in giving him one.

Chris Brown could have led a revolution in the way in which we see, treat, and handle domestic violence in our country and served as a beacon of hope for the millions of women and girls who worship him and face abuse. More importantly, he could have spoken directly to the millions of men, who like him, were born into an endless cycle of abuse, witnessing their mothers getting abused and then abusing women themselves.

After he beat, choked, and bit Rihanna, in early 2009, he took an entire week to release a proper statement of apology. A couple of weeks after the incident, he reunited with Rihanna in Miami, and flexed his biceps for the paparazzi while riding a wave runner. A disgusting pose given that those same biceps allowed him to bludgeon Rihanna’s face.

He later went on to fulfill his debt to the court system in Los Angeles County, and since, has done nothing of note to deal with or combat domestic violence. In fact, he has done what millions of men and women do every day in our country, he has demanded to have the issue of domestic violence swept under the rug.

That is why he doesn’t deserve our attention or business.

Chris Brown has moved on – on his own terms, on a shockingly narcissistic level. His behavior is that of an unrepentant man.

In 2010, Chris Brown was on Good Morning America to promote his latest album. When questioned by Robin Roberts about the 2009 incident, he answered coldly: “It’s not a big deal to me now, that situation…I’m past that in my life, today is the album day, so everyone go out and get that album.”

That’s nice. I’m so glad that beating the face of the woman whom you claimed to love is not a big deal anymore to YOU.

Brown later went on to trash his dressing room at the show, breaking a window, after Robin Roberts asked him that one question about the Rihanna situation.

One the same day, he posted this tweet (which was later deleted) on his Twitter account: “I’m so over people bring this past s**t up!!..”

He’s sick of people bringing the past up? Instead of using every moment as a teachable one, instead of addressing the past and confronting his demons, he attacked those who questioned him.

Chris Brown has been enriched not just by men like my friends, but by a legion of young women and girls who follow his every move. What kind of message is he sending to them when he continually mishandles the Rihanna incident(s)? What kind of message are we sending to these same young girls when we repeatedly support him? Hit a woman and you can still be a millionaire superstar?

Apparently and problematically, there is: Boston Public Health Commission conducted a survey of 200 teenagers and found that 46 percent saw Rihanna as responsible for what happened; 52 percent said both bore responsibility, despite knowing that Rihanna’s injuries required hospital treatment. Startling numbers.

I don’t want to give the impression that only men should be held accountable for listening to and supporting artists like Chris Brown. As I’ve mentioned, women and young girls are a big part of his fan base and in supporting him, women are inadvertently fueling the success of a man who disrespects them and helping further erase domestic violence from being a major and visible issue.

The overall statistics on domestic violence are astonishing (and keep in mind these are reported numbers only, many girls and women don’t report or discuss the abuse they have sustained): nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup. Worldwide, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused during her lifetime.

Of course we continue to hear Chris Brown’s songs, because radio programmers (which, surprise, surprise, are dominated by men) allow these songs to remain on the radio, thus adding to the collective popularity. But programmers are also just doing what we want – they wouldn’t be airing songs we don’t want to hear.

This idea that we shouldn’t support men who do bad things to women becomes increasingly inconvenient for our entertainment consumption with the increase in exposure of bad behavior thanks to the internet. The days of abuse and related activities remaining behind closed doors are virtually over. There is power in using our collective ability to consume media, music, entertainment as a tool and a weapon. And by voting with our dollars and eyes away from Chris Brown and artists who abuse women, we can shift the dynamics of how we, as a society, deal with domestic abuse.

But I’m not immune to this inconvenience…

Sometimes I find myself running across a Chris Brown or R. Kelly song on the car radio when I’m driving (I can’t say the same of Charlie Sheen or Mel Gibson). For a split second, I want to keep the song on…for some reason, it’s just the perfect beat at the perfect time on my drive.

But, unlike my friends, I can’t separate the music from the men, because the image of Rihanna’s bloody and beaten face comes across my mind and the video I’ve seen of R. Kelly urinating on an underage girl is seared into my brain.

And as good as their music sounds, when I think of those images, I think of the women in my life who have loved me and made me who I am. How would I feel if my women friends and colleagues were hurt by men like R. Kelly and Chris Brown, who weren’t repentant in any real way?

I wouldn’t stand for it.

And neither would my two friends at that holiday party. Like me, they love and respect the women in their life.

Listening to or buying Chris Brown’s music or cheering on Charlie Sheen may seem like an innocuous act. It’s just a song or a TV show, right? But when we support these men in any way, even if it’s just listening to the radio, we are adding to the collective attention heaped on the artist. We are adding strength to the ripple effect that allows artists like Chris Brown to succeed and become even more successful.

I hope something changes, because until good men like my friends, refuse to support bad men who harm women, until they see that the harm done to one woman, is harm done to every woman…

Nothing is gonna change.

Yashar Ali is a Los Angeles-based columnist, commentator, and political veteran whose writings about women, gender inequality, political heroism, and society are showcased on his website, The Current Conscience. Please follow him on Twitter and join him on Facebook.

He will be soon releasing our first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.

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You’re An Unavailable Man? Fantastic! When Are We Getting Married?
When Everything Is On His Terms
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The Modern Day Version of “Just The Tip”
Men Who E-Maintain Women
He Doesn’t Deserve Your Validation: Putting The Fake Orgasm Out of Business
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Why Don’t We Have More Women in Public Office? Look at Who’s Running the Campaigns

by Laurelin

It’s a weird thing, a girl’s heart. I like to think that no matter what my brain says, I can always make the right choice if I use both organs. Speak with your brain, think with your heart. As much as I wanted to open my mouth and protest as the last two important guys in my life let me go, I didn’t, because my heart told my brain that what they were doing was right, that we weren’t right, and it was time to be on my own again. I trust that my heart will always guide me, even if it sometimes gets lost. And I trust that even when I have to hurt someone else, I am only doing what’s right for me, and that’s what’s most important.

It was this situation I found myself in recently, and I still can’t help but feel so guilty for actually not feeling anything at all. I’m not sure when I arrived at the decision that I wasn’t exactly over my ex, but somewhere along the lines he crept back into my mind and there is nothing worse than a girl who can’t think straight who’s become involved with someone else. My “someone else” was another bartender, a fit and cocky guy who fit my unfortunate type perfectly. We had gone out a few times and what I thought was going to be something slow and fun quickly took a turn — this guy seemed to want to get serious almost immediately. I froze, unable to see his smiling face through the red flags that suddenly clouded my vision.

My brain started going a mile a minute. Was I scared to commit? If I didn’t want to be in relationship with this guy, why were we dating in the first place? Am I not ready to date? Or did I just know in my heart that he wasn’t the one for me? Was I just using these recent thoughts about my ex as a crutch to not have to feel anything for anyone right now? I was feeling overwhelmed and guilty almost immediately, even though I guess the point of dating is to get to know someone. If it wasn’t working out for me, all I had to do was end it. All I could do was tell the truth.

They weren’t kidding when they say the truth hurts. I kept faltering, stuttering, unable to find the words to say what I was feeling, unable to make this guy really understand why I couldn’t see him anymore. It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done, and it did not go well. All I kept thinking was that at least I was being honest, but it’s never easy to hurt someone, even if you have only just started seeing them. I wasn’t ready for this, I had to clear my own head and heart before I was willing to let someone else into either of them.

The amount of relief I felt when it was finally over was so great that I could have jumped for joy, and at the same time I could have burst into tears. Knowing that someone out there was so hurt and angry with me was like a punch in the gut. I’m so used to being the one who gets hurt that I forgot what it was like to do the hurting; it isn’t any easier.

So now I’m back to just me; my usual lingering unwelcome thoughts about the ex, back to sleeping with the cat and brewing only one cup of coffee in the morning. I kind of like it; my choice to be alone rather than be with someone who wasn’t right for me just for the sake of being with someone. I always did sleep better alone, and it’s a sound sleep, knowing that my heart and brain were on the same page and for once, did the right thing.

[..]

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Yulia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I’ve never really ever written to one of these before but…yea…I’ve been single for the last eight months, since my ex dumped me (I later found out the she was cheating on me). Ever since I’ve been living the single life, which is a life that i absolutely hate. Despite looking, I have been unable to find a girlfriend, and it’s becoming increasingly more frustrating.

Thanks.

A: I always feel for people who have difficulty enjoying being single. I strongly advocate single time as freedom time, meaning you have the freedom to do what you enjoy 100% of the time. I hope you find ways to take advantage of this. This might not be what you want to hear, but I think you should consciously spend a bit more time living the single life, but from now on focusing on enjoying your life for what it is and using your free time for you.

Why not join a sports team, take up a new hobby, or volunteer for a project at work? Not only will you be busier and have less time to dwell on past relationships or your single status, but hopefully your confidence will grow as your life does. When you meet your next girlfriend or even your next date, you will be happy with yourself and full of confidence.

As for the girl at college, unless you get to know her better, you’ll never know her reasons for turning down the date. She may indeed find you attractive, but if she feels strongly about not dating during school and has a busy life already, those reasons may be more important to her than her attraction to you or any other potential date. Do keep in mind this is likely not personal if she’s focusing on her education above all else or not dating for other reasons.

Also remember that you are also still in college, with plenty going on already in your life. Being in a relationship is great, but you have a long life ahead of you and if you’re not in one right now, who’s to say you won’t be by the time you graduate or shortly thereafter? I know some people meet their long-term partners in college or even high school, but most don’t. Try to stop focusing on having a girlfriend and just enjoy dating and meeting new people.

– Yulia

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Yashar Ali

Every election season, I ask myself the same question: Why aren’t more women running for public office?

Over the past ten years, I have been hopeful for the prospect and rise of women political candidates. While I never studied the numbers, I felt like we were heading in the right direction.

I couldn’t be more wrong.

Reporter Kate Linthicum’s brilliant Los Angeles Times article sheds light on the City of Los Angeles’ problem with proper female representation on the city council. The fifteen-member council, which had five female members eleven years ago, currently has just one, Jan Perry.

Current statistics about women holding federal office are equally dismal: women hold fewer than 20 percent of House and Senate seats. The House faced its first decline in 30 years with respect to women members.

Women hold fewer than 25 percent of seats in state legislatures. This sort of decline has not been seen in decades.

Why are we slipping back after so many years of slow but steady progress?

There exists real obstacles for prospective women politicians: media bias, lack of financial support, mediocre recruitment efforts, underfunded organizations built to help women run for public office.

I want to introduce a not-so-prominent problem: the serious deficiency of women in senior positions on political campaigns. With the exception of political fundraisers, you find very few women running campaigns or serving in top management spots.

The absence of women operating behind the scenes of political campaigns has been largely ignored. This is made clear by the complete absence of studies tracking the numbers of women working in politics. Open your newspaper and turn on your TV. You usually hear a senior-level male staffer speaking for candidates.

This isn’t just about my ideology. This is personal for me.

For the past two and half years, I worked for California Lieutenant Governor and former San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom. In my last position with him, I managed his 2010 race for Lieutenant Governor.

Lieutenant Governor Newsom and his wife, actress and documentary filmmaker, Jennifer Siebel Newsom (who made a brilliant documentary about women’s under-representation in positions of power and the limited and often disparaging portrayal of women in the media – see SG interview) expressed in this campaign their frustration and concern about the lack of women working on his campaigns.

Lieutenant Governor Newsom always asked, when we made hiring decisions, whether we could fill these posts with qualified women. This was not just a question for him. In his first year as mayor, he appointed San Francisco’s first female police chief and fire chief. He was also the first mayor to initiate gender analysis of budget cuts.

But I couldn’t find available and qualified women to take senior positions in his campaign. The few women I did know were already working on other campaigns.

Shawnda Westly, Executive Director of the California Democratic Party, saw a need to fix this problem in California. She, along with her colleague Robin Swanson, put their money where their mouth is, and launched a website called Political Women California.

Political Women California delivers a simple, but powerful mission: to give women working in politics a place to post their resumes so employers can find and hire them for campaigns, elections and political positions throughout California — and across the country.

Their site has been flooded with postings from women already working in politics in California. Even though I am not in the business of managing campaigns anymore, it helped me realize how many women are trying to work in politics.

Usually, people run for office after being exposed to a political campaign in one way or another. So the question is: how do we expect young women to motivate themselves to run for public office when all the people running campaigns are men?

This issue is not limited to Democrats. We need more women working on campaigns and in elective office across the political spectrum. Both parties should see the benefit of female leadership. But drawing from my personal experience, I want to speak to Democrats: There is no excuse. How can we demand equality for women in the workplace and fair wage laws, when we can’t manage to hire women for the campaigns professing these issues?

I spent the better part of two years working tirelessly for Hillary Clinton in her bid to be the 44th President of the United States. My passion for her candidacy was primarily based on my belief that she was the most qualified candidate for president. I felt her unique combination of experiences would serve our country incredibly well.

But there was another strong factor for my motivation. One I will not apologize for. I really wanted a woman president.

The dream I have for a woman president is not dead. However, if we don’t make conscious efforts to hire more women on political campaigns, we are not only limiting our talent pool, but we will also face an epidemic shortage of women running for office.

We must demand that candidates we support value diversity in their hiring practices. So, my message is for two people: the candidate and the campaign manager.

Next time you are walking through your campaign headquarters, take a look at the young woman who shows up everyday after her classes to volunteer. The same one who always pays her own way on public transportation to make phone calls and to help knock on doors. The same one that you are impressed by and think is better than half your paid staff. And probably the same one you take for granted. She could be president one day…if you give her a chance.

Yashar Ali is a Los Angeles-based columnist, commentator, and political veteran whose writings about women, gender inequality, political heroism, and society are showcased on his website, The Current Conscience. Please follow him on Twitter and join him on Facebook.

He will be soon releasing our first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.

Related Posts:
You Don’t Drink? What’s Wrong With You?
You’re An Unavailable Man? Fantastic! When Are We Getting Married?
When Everything Is On His Terms
Now…Give Your Uncle A Kiss
The Modern Day Version of “Just The Tip”
Men Who E-Maintain Women
He Doesn’t Deserve Your Validation: Putting The Fake Orgasm Out of Business
A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Kraven

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I’m a 20-year old girl and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year. Despite me being young, I am sure that I want to get married, but he’s said he doesn’t think he wants to. I’ve stayed because I love him. We’re only young (he’s 23), and I hope he might change his mind. The problem is, I think he sees our relationship as having an end point due to this. I don’t know if that’s because he thinks I’ll end it or he will due to not wanting marriage. I am quite paranoid and find it quite hurtful. He’s also completely against the idea of living together, and if I subtly suggest it’s due to his lack of commitment he gets quite angry/upset.

Thanks!

A: If I have learned anything out of my past two relationships it’s that you cannot rush anyone to the alter. Marriage is something that both people have to take incredibly seriously and have to both be ready for, since, ultimately, it is intended to be forever. This is an issue that has broken up many people. Some are quite simply ready, others are not.

You are not wrong in talking about marriage and wanting that as a goal to look forward to. Much like myself, you want to see progress, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, when the other person does not have a similar attitude towards marriage, bringing it up and talking about it can begin to sound like nagging to them. They may also feel you are resenting them because it’s something you want and they are holding you back. As for if you’re too young to get married, that is not something I can answer. But you yourself said you know you aren’t ready quite yet.

The issues you have with your relationship seem to go beyond marriage. More immediately you are just looking for him to show he is committed, and talking marriage at this stage may not be the right way to go about doing that. You want a sense of security, but what is scaring you or making you feel you need it? Especially when everyone tells you you are fantastic together and things are going good?

If there are issues now about this and things go sour when commitment is talked about, there may be underlying issues that need to be addressed. You certainly do not want to get married or pressure someone into staying with you through a marriage if there are these types of issues to begin with. I am not telling you this will end badly, I am just telling you from being in your exact shoes, you have to do what makes you happy, and while you love him and are willing to give him the world, he has to want and be willing to do the same. If he does not want to, then perhaps he’s not the man for you. You deserve better.

In terms of talking with him, you can let him know what you see in your future and ask him if he sees the same. He will tell you what he sees. If the goals are not the same, then it really is time to take stock and figure out what to do next. If the goals are the same, and in the future you both see marriage to one another, then you are on the right track. But do not pressure him into something that you admitted you are not ready for right this minute either. Live life, have fun, and be happy with one another. There’s a lot to be said for enjoying the moment (especially at your age), rather than concentrating so much on the future that you’re unable to enjoy the present.

When his is ready for marriage, he will let you know. You cannot pressure someone with regards to this type of issue, and if you do, you will more than likely push him away rather than bring him closer to you.

I really hope this helps as I have been in this same situation just recently. I know what you are going through. Stay strong and true to yourself and your values. And never settle. 🙂

Kraven

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

Winter is coming. Maybe I have been way too involved in reading the Game of Thrones series, but that phrase has been running the show these past few months. Winter is coming, cold weather, boyfriend season. It’s time to stockpile your nuts in anticipation of frozen ground, time to find some people to hibernate with, someone to snuggle with to save money on that heat bill. Whatever the reason, winter IS coming… and so far I think my stockroom is looking alright.

My best friend looked at me the other day and cautiously asked if she could tell me something. I said of course, and she slowly said, “I don’t think you’re over your ex-boyfriend.”

I laughed. “What was your first clue?” I said.

“Thank God,” she replied. “Well, you never came out and said it, so I didn’t want to bring it up.”

She’s right, although I feel like I always bring it up. For some reason lately his name has never been far from my mind, and even now, months later, I feel almost worse off than when it had just happened. It doesn’t make sense to me; it’s not like we had this incredible connection that I felt left a hole in my life. I have managed to maintain a normal work relationship with him, I have managed to keep calm when I need to and to keep a smile on my face. But I guess I never really had that healing ‘out of sight out of mind’ time period, and for some reason my mind is starting to play tricks on me, making me think I made a mistake. Making me wish that things hadn’t ended.

It’s not like I haven’t been dating and trying to move on. I went on a coffee date with a stranger, I’ve marched into the bar across the street and given my number to a bartender that I’ve always thought was cute. He called, and we’ve been meeting for drinks here and there, but in the back of my mind I think I’m doing it just for the challenge. When I go out with any of these guys I truly am looking for a connection. I don’t want to randomly hook up. I don’t even mean to stockpile for winter, it’s not nice. But all of a sudden I’m feeling wishy-washy, and for whatever reason on the first date we’re holding hands, and I’m smiling sweetly but really, I’m screaming, “WHO DOES THAT? GET ME OUTTA HERE!”

The other night after getting drinks with one guy (and a ride home from another) I decided to return a phone call from a far off ex-boyfriend, he had been calling during the date and I kept pushing him to voicemail.

“How was your date?” he asked.

“It was alright,” I say. “I miss you,” and I mean it. This guy and I are strictly friends now, and he moved to Los Angeles recently. We talk on the phone often, but he is greatly missed.

“Get in a cab and come to the Park Plaza hotel,” he says. “I’m in Boston.” Two minutes later I am back in a cab and heading downtown at two a.m., certain the cab driver thinks I’m a hooker. I pull up outside the hotel and walk through the doors into the most beautiful lobby I have ever seen. Crystal chandeliers hang from cathedral ceilings and music plays softly, drifting around the biggest Christmas tree I have ever seen. I walk to the tree and look around until I hear him call my name, and we just hug for a few minutes. I feel like I’m in a movie, a good holiday heartwarming moment. He was someone who left a hole in my life when he left, and sometimes a hug from a friend at two a.m. in front of a fancy hotel Christmas tree is just what you need to feel whole again.

I spend the night, but we just talk and fall asleep. I laugh to myself going over the day in my head, a full shift at work, a burlesque ballet performance, drinks with one guy, a lift home from another, back in a cab to meet another at a hotel at three a.m. My best friend’s words echo in my head and I say them out loud to my friend and he nods knowingly. I’m not over my ex. I feel like I’m taking a huge step backwards. I shouldn’t have gone out with any of these guys, it’s not fair to them. I’m not really giving them a chance, I’m just trying to fill a space where something is missing. I sigh and snuggle up, the hotel room is cold, and winter is coming.

[..]

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Lyxzen Suicide

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. I have been friends with this girl for about five years. Around three months ago we both decided to make a go of a relationship since we had both been hiding feelings for each other. The issue is that I’ve been living on the opposite side of the country for a year or so and things are getting rather hard. She never returns my calls, she will only text me, she has been talking to me less and less, and every time I try to set up a visit for me to see her or for her to come see me things never work out. Mostly she just never gets back to me with a yes or no about coming to see me or about me coming to see her. This is really hard for me because I am starting to feel like maybe I am the second guy in her life, and that is just unacceptable to me. I don’t want to lose her if there is nothing sketchy going on, but I also have to know the truth. How do I approach her about finding out what is really going on with us?

A: Holy déjà vu, Batman…Reading this letter was like a look back into my past, only with the male and female pronouns switched!

My then-beau and I were even planning his move to my city, when he began pulling away. I had the same gut feeling that you’ve no doubt been trying to get past, but in the end, he was banging another girl. (Funny side-note, she and I ended up being friends after they called it quits — turns out he didn’t treat his in-town lady lover any better!)

You know that it takes a lot to maintain a long-distance relationship (Ask anyone who’s been in one — they’re never easy!), and whatever her deal is, whether she’s creating distance because of some type of stress in her life, or because she’s just a nasty ho, this girl clearly isn’t into it.

I hate to get all Dr. Phil on you, but you’re better than this. You deserve better than this! Whatever’s going on in her world only she’s going to be able to deal with. Unfortunately, I think there’s a really high probability that your suspicions about her sketchy-ness are completely right, but either way, shit just ain’t cool and you shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of behavior. I mean, we’re all adults, right?

Here’s the kind of long-distance relationship you DO deserve: You deserve someone so eager to see you that they count down the days until they finally do. You deserve someone who’s excited to take your calls, and does so as often as she can. You deserve someone who sends you photos of things that made her think of you, and of things she thinks will make you smile. You deserve someone who plans adventures and dates for the two of you when you can see each other, whether it’s in one of your two cities or another place altogether. Most of all, you deserve someone who respects you enough to be open and honest with you, instead of dodging questions and ignoring texts.

I can tell you with certainty though, that even the most terrible situations always have a way of working out for the best in the end. As difficult as it may be to end things with this girl, you’ll be coming out of it a stronger and more assertive person, and after taking some time for yourself, you’ll eventually be ready for an awesome girl to walk into your life and completely blow your mind.

So how do you approach this she-weasel to find out what her problem is? She’s obviously making communication difficult, so I would say a well-thought-out email is your best bet. I’d say something like this:

Hey [ladygirl’s name],

I’m not sure what’s going on with you on your side of the country, but I’m feeling left out in the cold here.

I’ve tried to figure out ways to make this long-distance thing work until I’m back next year, but it seems useless when you avoid finalizing plans or even picking up your phone. I’m sure your intent isn’t to make me feel shitty in any way, but knowing my girlfriend isn’t as excited about seeing me, or even texting me, as I am about seeing and texting her, well, it really does feel shitty.

I’ll be honest with you: my gut tells me I’m second to some other guy in your life right now. I don’t mean to throw accusations around, but I just can’t push the thought out of my head.

I hope that I’m wrong, because, in the years that I’ve known you, I’ve never thought you to be that type of girl. Either way though, the way you’ve been treating me is just not okay. No one deserves to be in this situation.

So here it is. I’m putting the ball in your court. I’d love to talk to you about this in person, or even over the phone, but it seems so hopeless to keep trying. I suppose time will tell if this ruins the friendship we’ve had. I really hope it doesn’t, but I’m thinking it’s for the best that we end “us” here and promise ourselves that we’ll be better for the next person.

Let me know what you think…
Best,
[your name]

Harsh, maybe, but you gotta let that girl know you won’t put up with her crap any longer! And if you can do it in a mature and respectful way, you’ll come out on the other side having bettered yourself, whatever the outcome of the relationship may be.

I really think you just needed someone to tell you that you’re right, and I really think you are darlin’. Moving on will be difficult, and it’ll probably take a little longer to get closure from the situation since you two were friends for years first, but I can promise you that there’s someone out there that will treat you better and love you so much harder than this girl does.

You’re stronger and more confident than you know, and you got this, sweetness!
Good luck!!

<3 Lyxzen

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