by SG’s Team Agony feat. Leandra

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I met the girl of my dreams a little over a year ago at work. I have a rule of not dating anyone I work with after past bad relationships. She defines SG to a T. Everything about her was perfect and we connected a ton, both at work and after she quit.

Now she won’t return my emails or calls. I just want my best friend back. She’s the only girl I felt truly about. She was someone that I didn’t just want to sleep with when I had her alone in my place and on my bed. She’s hands down the coolest chick I have ever met, and would want nothing more than to have my best friend back. She is the one.

A: I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. Does it help any that I just went through something similar? It’s been months and he is the only man I cannot forget, the only man I was absolutely sure I was meant to be with. He was a man I was packed up and ready to move for. Then, five days before I was meant to drive to another state to move in with him, it was over. I guess I’m just saying, I know the pain, I know the agony. I know that sometimes you can feel everything is okay, and then suddenly it’s like a punch to the gut. And when something like this happen to you, you’re overwhelmed with emotion and sadness.

I have found the key to a situation like this though…

You can’t keep fighting for someone who does not return your feelings. I am not saying she doesn’t care for you, and, though I don’t know her, you do make it sound like she rushed into the marriage. Having said that, she is now married – she is a married woman. I am sure her husband would not be too happy about you guys talking. You need to respect that and give them their distance. What will be will be!

Please stop calling and emailing. Don’t text. She isn’t returning them for a reason – and this is the key – to force you to realize the truth of the situation, to help you let go and give in to it. You can’t change it. You’ve tried. You fought for her and did your best. You feel bad for what you said to her, and have obviously shown that to her. You need to do your best to let go my friend. I know it hurts. I know it’s painful. I know what it’s like to believe in the deep dark bottom of your soul that they are THE ONE. She’s not. He wasn’t. We move forward. Onwards and upwards. There ARE others out there. You’ll eventually find someone you mesh with even more and can settle down with, if that’s what you want.

I always wonder about the future, will I hear from him in months or years to come? Will you hear from her? Only time will tell, but for now you’re only torturing yourself by reaching out and getting nothing back. I think this reply to you would be a little different if she wasn’t taken, if she wasn’t married. But she is. You must respect that and respect their relationship, whether you agree with it or not. If you care for her as you say you do, then you will do this for her. It’s obviously what she wants since she is not reaching back out to you or replying.

Please try to move forward. Realize, although you care for her a whole damn lot, that she isn’t the only girl out there for you. The right one is out there and soon enough you will find her.

Stay strong. Time is a healer, a cliché but true.

Leandra
xxxxx

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

The old woman cupped my hand in hers. Narrowing her eyes and making a clicking noise in the back of her throat she looked up and smiled warmly. “You are untrusting in love,” she said. “Why? What is there to worry about, you have had two great heartbreaks in your life and they are over, it’s time to put the past behind you. I look in your eyes and see such warmth, too bad you cannot speak with your eyes.” She lets my hand go and it falls into my lap. I guess that lady gets paid to say those things, but at 2 AM in New York City it suddenly seems so real, and I walk back through Times Square to my hotel wondering about what she said. Was she right? Was I totally untrusting?

I went on a date the other night with a bartender from a trendy bar downtown. He wasn’t anything like me, and while once that would have really frightened me, now it seems really appealing, challenging, intriguing. I had a great time, and at the end of the night back home at my apartment I found myself smiling stupidly, wishing my roommate was home so I could talk her ear off about it. I never heard from that guy again, and it was a bit unsettling for a few days. What did I do wrong? This was so typical.

After a few days of not hearing back I moved on; not everyone gets an explanation as to why something doesn’t work out. I couldn’t help but laugh at myself a little bit — here I was wondering why everything seemed to click when it didn’t really. Who does that? “You do that,” my roommate points out. “You do that all the time. Have a great time and then freak out and run away and never tell the guy why. That’s like, your favorite thing to do!” I think about it and I can’t help but laugh, at myself, at the poor guys I have dated in the past five months, and at the whole situation in general. She’s right, I have an inability to tell the truth when it comes to wanting to end something before it really starts; I just slither back to my bar scene life and immerse myself in work. One can always trust the reliability of a 45 hour work week. Does that make me untrusting? Easily bored? Non committal?

I have always considered trust in relationships to be something that is created over time once you find someone who doesn’t drive you nuts. All of a sudden I realize that I’m looking at the cell phone you left on my nightstand when you were rushing to work and I roll over and go back to bed – instead of flipping through your texts. I’m left alone in your apartment and your computer is right there with your e-mail up on the screen, and I sign out and into mine without even a second glance. You want to go out with your friends to the strip club with an eight ball of cocaine in your pocket? Sure, have a good time. I trust you. See? I can be trusting.

That old lady was wrong. I have trust in a lot of things. I trust that my friends will get me through anything. I trust that I’m a good judge of character, and that even if something doesn’t work out that I chose that person or that path because I saw something good in it, because I thought that it would make me a better person. I trust that I will not always do the right thing but that I will know the difference between the two, and that I will do better next time, be stronger and able to learn from my mistakes. I might be untrusting in love, but that is only because a lot of times the way it’s ended up for me has left me feeling like I trusted something that wasn’t real, or that was only real for a little while and that is devastating. I was never mislead, nor was I ever misleading to anyone I ever called mine. If I mislead you, you were never mine, nor I yours.

Untrusting in love seems normal to me to an extent; it’s good to be cautious with your heart after you have spent so long learning to trust yourself. I’ll open up when the time is right. For now, the only trust I need is from the bartender shaking my martini or muddling my mojito. It’s almost summer time, and I smell some really poor life choices on the horizon. If there’s one thing I can trust in, it’s that.

[..]

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rydell

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I have been with my boyfriend for about three years, and to my face he seems sweet. However on the internet he ignores me and has no problem talking to sluts. I tried stooping to their level, but then he gave me shit for the smallest bit of cleavage! My next plan is to add and talk to hot shirtless men, but I don’t know if that’s the right plan. What can I do just for him to ‘like’ a photo or ‘comment’ on a status update?

A: Ok where to start with this…Firstly, if he is sweet to your face that’s great, but when he is not around you, including the internet he isn’t? Doesn’t that seem like a bright blinking red flag to you? If he isn’t acting how you expect a boyfriend to act then TALK TO HIM! I have said this I think in every question I have answered for SG’s Got Problems? column. We as people need to learn to talk to each other and not just be silent and think people are mind readers.

You have a voice, use it and express yourself. Be heard! Stop changing how you think you should be and just be you. You don’t need to change who you are, how you are, unless it is to better yourself. Don’t stoop to your boyfriend’s level with the plan you outlined. It’ll just come off as juvenile and desperate. Be yourself, be proud of who you are, and if he doesn’t appreciate you and doesn’t fit in with that lifestyle, there is always a man who will.

Secondly, stop placing your self worth and self esteem on how many Facebook comments and likes you have from others on a social media network. In the grand scope of things does that really matter? I mean it’s FACEBOOK!

All I can say is voice your concerns. If they fall on deaf ears, then you need to man up and either settle for mediocrity in your love life, or go out and find someone better suited for what you need in life.

Rydell

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Clio

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years and love her more then anything, but we don’t have sex anymore. Sex at the start of the relationship was frequent, as is usually the case in new relationships. As time has gone on, we continued to have regular sex, which has always been fantastic, with both of us reaching orgasm, but it has been a long time now.

Any ideas?????

A: Sorry to hear about your lacking sex life. I can imagine your frustration. Physical intimacy is of vital importance to a relationship, so this is definitely something you want to address. Even though your lady doesn’t want to discuss it, you should talk to her about the issue if you want to relieve your blue balls anytime soon.

Is there something going on in her life that might be causing her disinterest in sex? Stress, depression, medication, anemia, hormone imbalance, and various other factors can contribute to a low libido. Communicate with her to understand what could be the problem and tell her how you feel and that it’s affecting your relationship. Consider getting counseling if you think you would benefit from it. If you’ve been drifting apart try taking her out on a romantic date to reconnect with her mentally so you can start connecting again sexually.

Good luck!

Clio
xoxo

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

Change over time is a strange thing; it’s so gradual and so fast at the same time. One day you open your eyes and you’re like, wow, where did the time go? How did I get here in this apartment with all this stuff, with this job and this… life.

That’s how I felt high school and college were, and then all the years after that –– a montage of years blending, flickering in my memory like old movies, set to the most beautiful music. It all seemed to be only an exhale in a series of breaths, and all the breaths gone with only the slightest breeze before I’m even aware I’ve drawn another. It was forever and no time at all at the same time, and when it was finally over I couldn’t place how I had changed, or when; I just knew that somehow, I had. Looking back on the past month of my life I am finally able to look at something and know that without a doubt, this instance was when everything changed. This moment was mine.

I have always coasted though life with minimal responsibilities. At almost 30 I have to say I have the best and worst of it all: I have worked hard for every penny I’ve earned. I’ve always paid my own way. I fell into bartending because it paid my bills and still allowed me to party. This was a community where I could drink and stay up late and have a family, and a home away from home. I watched every friend I ever had in high school and then college settle and get married, start families, buy houses. And I stayed the same. I don’t think I ever had a problem, but I certainly never had any solutions. I never thought of it as a career, but it all of a sudden was mine, and while others turned up their noses I decided to make it my own. I never thought that anyone else would imagine me as being able to run a bar on my own; it was always someone else’s job. But then all of a sudden, there it was. An offer for this place to be mine –– really, actually mine.

Being offered a management position in an industry that has always allowed me to coast through life with minimal responsibilities seemed at first frightening. I can’t do this! Other people do this! It was scary, knowing that someone saw something in me, someone thinks I could run the show. What if I’m not good at it? What if I let everyone down? A chance to shine is also a chance to fail, and I always ran from responsibility in fear of failing. Mulling over my fate clutching my usual pint of beer, I consciously make a choice. This job I’ve chosen might not be what “everyone else” is doing, but it can be a career, it’s always been mine. I took a week to think about it and when I was finally ready to say “yes,” I knew that my life would never be the same. This was one of those moments where you take control and literally steer your life down one path. Mentally, I strap on my seatbelt and brace for impact.

My new manager pants seem to be fitting alright, but at the same time I am still so lost; working amongst friends and ex-boyfriends, trying to find my voice of authority while also trying to remain one of the gang. I have no idea who this person is who is supposed to be in charge. I feel like I haven’t found my voice. I can’t even control the color of my cheeks around my ex, how can I control the bar? I may not feel like I can find that voice of authority, but I have always had MY voice, and sometimes I hear that person I want to be stepping forward and speaking, as though someone else is finally accepting a role, and it takes a minute to realize that that person really is me.

I’m settling in in my own way, piece by piece. I’ve come to the conclusion that for me, there really isn’t a life beyond the bar scene. Some people were created just for this; born of late nights, shaken cocktails, of phone numbers and thoughts scribbled on cocktail napkins and spilt beer. I like to think that I didn’t just fall into this because it was easy. That’s how it started, sure. But it’s not how it’s going to end.

[..]

by Andrew Shaffer

“There’s a very fine line between pleasure and pain, Anastasia. They are two sides of the same coin, one not existing without the other. I can show you how pleasurable pain can be.”

– Christian Grey, the hero of E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey

“Patrons at my library are freaking out over 50 Shades of Grey,” Chicago librarian Leah White told me. Since the BDSM erotic romance novel (and its two sequels) is available only as “print-on-demand” through a small Australian publisher (TheWritersCoffeeShop.com), libraries and bookstores have had trouble keeping it in stock. Still, its popularity has steadily grown in the US over the past year, fueled in part by ebooks, which account for more than 90% of the trilogy’s 100,000-plus sales.

According to one Huffington Post blogger in January, the book is so engrossing that “moms are forgetting to pick their kids up from school.” And on March 1, following a salacious story in the New York Post, 50 Shades of Grey finally hit the top spot on Amazon’s Kindle books bestseller list. Today Show host Hoda Kotb even jumped on the bandwagon. “Hello steamy!” she tweeted after downloading the ebook. (This was particularly alarming to me, since my mother watches Hoda and her co-host Kathie Lee Gifford religiously.) Has BDSM gone mainstream?

First, let’s look at the plot of 50 Shades of Grey. Anastasia Steele, a college-age virgin who has never been kissed, meets Christian Grey, the 27-year-old billionaire CEO of Grey’s Enterprises Holdings. Christian is unbelievably handsome with his “tousled hair” and “expensive body wash.” He is also unbelievably kinky. He lost his virginity to a dominatrix when he was fifteen, and, after five years as her submissive, became a dom himself. He used his vast wealth to turn a room in his penthouse apartment into a virtual dungeon, nicknamed the “Red Room of Pain.” And he wants to share his love of BDSM (and fine wine, classical music, and Bruce Springsteen) with Anastasia.

The sex is well-written and James’ portrayal of BDSM is, for the most part, accurate. While Christian and Anastasia start out with “vanilla” sex acts, they gradually add spanking, bondage, riding crops, and object insertion into their repertoire. While such activities are old hat in the erotic fiction genre, they are shockingly explicit for a book being discussed by mainstream media. James teases the reader with an exhaustive list of sex acts and scenarios by way of a D/S contract. “No fisting, you say. Anything else you object to?” Christian asks Anastasia. “Anal intercourse doesn’t exactly float my boat,” she says. He responds, “I’ll agree to [remove] the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia.” The author takes the D/S relationship to extremes, however, as Christian attempts to prohibit Anastasia from snacking between meals and dictate how many times a week she works out (four, if you must know). As many readers have wondered, Is this BDSM or Weight Watchers?

The one problem I had with James’ portrayal of BDSM is the use of the lifestyle as “evidence” for how “dark” the hero is. “I’m fifty shades of fucked up, baby,” he tells Anastasia, a reference to both his abusive past and his love of BDSM.

“It wants us to think of Christian’s BDSM as something that’s wrong with him, a symptom of his inner, childhood demons,” Angela Toscano writes on the romance blog Dear Author. “But it also wants us to get off on it. Like teenage girls giggling over pictures of penises, it seems to say of BDSM, ‘Tee he he he! That’s so gross,’ but secretly loving the titillation that comes from viewing the forbidden.” It’s in sharp contrast to the sex-positive portrayal of BDSM as healthy and normal that one finds in most erotic fiction.

Some media outlets have dubbed 50 Shades of Grey “mommy porn” for the book’s almost singular appeal to middle-aged mothers, most of whom have never read an erotic book (let alone one featuring BDSM). “I am not in the habit of reading erotica, but this trilogy makes it seem okay, even for Westchester county,” one reader wrote.

Why this book? If you’re looking for erotic women’s fiction, there’s no shortage of better books out there, something even the most rabid E.L. James fans admit. But part of the book’s appeal is that “everybody is reading it.” A quick glance at Amazon reveals that customers who bought 50 Shades of Grey also bought the Hunger Games trilogy, Heaven is for Real, Steve Jobs’ biography, and novels by Nicholas Sparks and Jodi Picoult. In other words, big, popular books and authors.

Regardless of why it’s popular, 50 Shades of Grey‘s very existence is leading to some interesting, sex-positive discussions. “I found myself explaining what BDSM was to some of the moms at Saturday morning basketball,” publicist Alison Brod told The New York Post. Whether or not this signifies that BDSM (or even erotica) has gone mainstream is up in the air at this point, but it’s not inconceivable that 50 Shades of Grey could potentially do for BDSM what Twilight did for vampires.

Andrew Shaffer is the author of Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love, a book which takes a humorous look at the disastrous love lives of history’s smartest men and women. His writing has appeared in Mental Floss and Maxim. Stephen Colbert, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, once called Shaffer’s atheist Christmas cards “un-American.” Visit him online at EvilReads.com/.

He is currently serializing a Fifty Shades of Grey parody (Fifty-One Shades, because it’s one better) at: EvilReads.com/Fifty-One-Shades

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Morgan

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I’m the girlfriend of a fella who is has always been a big PS3 fan, but lately I feel like it’s replacing me. Like I swear I think it hurts him to leave it for long enough to have sex. And when were done, he’s running back to it. What can I do? Really wanting to smash it with a bat 🙁

A: Even as someone who is a pretty dedicated gamer myself, I sympathize. No matter what your significant other is busy with, it can feel hurtful to feel that they are more interested in a hobby than they are in you. The best advice I can give you is to talk directly to your boyfriend about this. When you do, try to avoid sounding accusatory or implying that you want him to give up PS3 completely.

Use “I” statements to tell him in more detail about your reactions when he spends too much time gaming and not enough time with you: “I feel like I don’t get to spend enough time with you when you game all evening,” for example. A good partner should be able to make a compromise with you so that he feels like he still gets to enjoy his hobby, but you don’t feel ignored because of it.

Morgan

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com