by SG’s Team Agony feat. Tita
Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.
[Tita in West Coast]
Q: I have been with my girlfriend (girl-girl couple) for almost nine months now. Sadly, she had to move so currently we are long distance. My problem is, I am feeling unappreciated. Our relationship seems to be me giving and barely getting anything in return. Recently, I sent her a memory card full of saucy teases and the only thing she has to say is, “The videos are too short.” You see my problem?
Just the other day, I told my dad that she is my girlfriend. She asked me to do that. Considering the way he was raised, I was risking a lot. I risked it for her, but she doesn’t go telling people about me. She said she isn’t ashamed of me, and I understand why her parents cannot know, but why do I have to be a semi-secret – even from friends? These are only two examples of many.
I feel I am coming to the end of my patience. She has always been a taker and I am naturally a giver. How do I talk to her about how unsatisfied and unappreciated I feel without seeming mad, or like a total a-hole?
A: First up, I would like to point out that telling someone you are unsatisfied, or feeling under appreciated does not immediately make you an “a-hole.” Communication is an important part of any relationship, and should be one of the strongest bonds that you share.
Asking for what we want and need, and being “demanding” are not the same thing! Just as being “helpful or caring” and “overly accommodating” are not mutually exclusive.
Truthfully, distance seems to be the least of your relationship problems. Or perhaps it has just highlighted issues that were already there.
Have you asked yourself: What were things like before we separated? Was I happier then? Was my partner more engaged, or giving? (According to your email, she has “always been a taker” – so perhaps not.)
And following those questions, why not continue with: What in this relationship is worth sticking around for? You list your girlfriend’s inequities, but surely there must be some good qualities, or you wouldn’t be sticking it out. Or… would you?!?
Often times we repeat a pattern of behavior because we don’t know any different. In this case, it seems the distance should have been as good a reason as any to cut the cord, yet you chose to remain attached. Why is that?
I think you need to take a good look at what is in this for you – without pausing to tell yourself that that is selfish or mean. If you asked yourself that very question right now, gun to your head –what would you come up with?
Sure, coming out to your Dad may be positive for you in the long run, but what made you take such a leap at the request of your girlfriend, and not for yourself? In my opinion, in order to find your place in this relationship, you must first find your own voice. Figure out what you want. Itemize your needs. Visualize where you want your relationship (and life) to go. And then, take stock and see if your current relationship is a good fit.
From where I’m sitting, it doesn’t look like it.
No one’s saying it will be easy, but I hope when the time comes you find the strength to take what may be the harder of two roads.
Good luck!
*Besos*
Tita
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