by SG’s Team Agony feat. Yesenia and Atlea

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. I have been in a relationship now for about a year and a half. She is about to move into my house but we are both feeling somewhat hesitant. She is a wonderful person and we share such great times together. But, every time a relationship reaches this point, I feel like it is time to move on. I continually go through this same feeling throughout the course of my relationships and life, and I am starting to wonder if I can ever be happy with any one person or if I am bound to continually reject someone who loves me after a year or so with them?

Confused.

A: You will need to ask yourself some questions before making a decision. Are you afraid of commitment? Do you ‘settle’ for someone and hope for the best, later to realize the realtionship is empty? What are some key things that have kept you with her for this long?

Sometimes chemistry fades, and as much as you would like to be in love with that person, it may be out of your hands. Just be sure to rule out any other possibilities first. You may need some time to clear your head, alone. Think about why your past relationships did not work, and if it was something that could have been noticed earlier on. It would be hurtful to both of you if you stayed in a relationship only to escape the hurt of breaking up. That is not a life, and we only get one – so follow your heart.

Were things great until you two decided to move in together? The answer to that may help you understand your situation. Are you bored and looking for excitement? Maybe checking out new places together and trying new things in the bedroom will help. When things get too repetitive – they can cause your brain to freak out. It is important to keep things interesting, but feeling bored in a long-term relationship is normal. It is a common issue for couples around the world.

Try looking at old pictures of the two of you and see what emotions you get out of that. If you do end up moving in together, make sure you talk about what would happen if you two broke up. Decide who would move out, and who would continue to complete the lease – or maybe you would both pay to cancel the lease. Also, make sure it is an affordable position incase one has to pay it alone. This will help you not feel trapped and give you some breathing room.

Best of luck to you!

Just relax, kisses xxx

Yesenia

Q. Never in my life did I think that I would have an issue with finding a woman that was up for sex all the time. I’ve been dating my fiancé for a year now, engaged for about 5 months. We moved in together about 3 months ago. I am a very busy project manager for a construction company and put in at least 55-60 hours a week. She is taking her CPA exams right now, which is a real bear. To support her in her endeavor, I told her to not worry about ANY of the cooking, cleaning, or household tasks. I told her to focus solely on this ridiculous exam. So after I come home anywhere between 6 and 9 o’clock, cook dinner, clean up and get settled, I’m finally spent. 

Here’s the gist: Whether or not she leads on or not, I feel the constant burning and aching in her crotch from across the room to get fucked. I know that she’s always craving my cock. It’s never in question. This in itself is badass, however, it’s become exhausting. 



Pre-story: My last serious girlfriend of 3+ years was a little frigid, and used sex or the withholding of sex to her ends. It got to a point when we were living together that we might only have sex 2 or 3 times a month. At which point, I told her to kick rocks because she was essentially just a roommate. She used to say, like I’m starting to feel now, that because I was always ready to rock, that it felt like there was no intrigue or mystery to rolling in the hay. The irony for me is clear and present. 

I feel ashamed because I sometimes think that I enjoy giving myself a tug on SG more than I do having sex my very sexy fiancé. I think part of it is because the women on SG are unobtainable to me thus being more attractive to than my insatiably cock-hungry lady. I’m very attracted to my fiancé, but her constant attention and need to for sex has actually become a turn-off. I have pretty much told her everything I just expressed to you, but what do you say? 


A: First and foremost, you probably shouldn’t bother feeling ashamed about giving yourself some solo loving and enjoying it. What you do with your hands and body on your own time can be separate from your sexual life with a partner. Secondly, congrats on having already talked about the situation with her. You didn’t give me any details on how that conversation went, which could have kept me from making assumptions, but I’ll try my best at giving my advice.

You seem to indicate two separate reasons as to why her constant need is bothering you. First, you mention how hard you work and how much extra time you put in at home to help her out. Does this, on it’s own, cause you to be exhausted? You didn’t mention if she’s working on top of being in school, but even then, I think it’d be fair game to ask her to help out at least once or twice a week. This way, at least subconsciously, you don’t feel as much pressure and responsibility towards her and the promise you made to her to help her with school. This would make you feel like more like a team, and that synergy can help spark back appreciation and even sometimes desire with it. Also, your levels of exhaustion might be more balanced if she did a few more chores.

Sex, in itself, isn’t necessarily a reward. Since you do everything else, she could possibly see having sex as a way of letting you know how much she appreciates everything you do for her. But maybe that’s not exactly what you need. This, of course, is something you’ll have to find out and work through with her. Maybe the constant demand for sex, or satisfying your better half, is making you feel pressured into it and let’s just all agree here that sex and pressure are not to be used in the same sentence if the objective is having a good time.

The second reason you’re expressing here is that there might be a bit of a lack of desire on your part because sex is just too readily available. I mean there’s only so much free candy that can make you happy, right? Going from a past relationship where sex was the holy end to a ridiculous (and quite unfair, if she was holding out on you for her own means) quest, to a new relationship where it’s just so easy to get (even when you don’t want it) is tough! It’s hard for you to compare, and let’s face it, there are always things that we will compare. Not that this is necessarily an unhealthy thing, sometimes you learn from your mistakes but you need to remember them to be able to find a resolution best fitted for the situation at hand.

Let her know you need the chase. Tell her you’re still very much attracted to her, but you’d like to feel challenged at times. This might seem like an awkward thing to bring up, but it is the truth, and until she knows there’s no way she’ll be able to change that. Especially, like I mentioned before, if she thinks that this is what you’d want or expect. Maybe try playing some sex games, or introducing it in some other routine. Maybe don’t have sex every time she wants it, but take the time to appreciate the other parts of your bodies. Rediscover each other. Snuggle together without having the intention/pressure to fuck. But beforehand, make it clear to her that it’s not because you don’t appreciate sex with her, it’s more that you’d like some moments of pure intimacy with her and her body to just appreciate her as a whole.

Lastly, you mentioned that ‘whether she leads on or not’ you feel her constant need to get fucked. I can’t help but feel that unless she’s constantly asking and/or badgering you for it, maybe you’re actually putting a little too much pressure on yourself? Hopefully you’re not being your own enemy here, but it may be something to look into as well. In any case, take the time to find out how you both can work a schedule that leaves neither of you exhausted, and find a way to make sex and love part of the same whole. Sex should always be a fun adventure, so eliminate where the pressure’s coming from and the whole thing should work itself out.

Atlea

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Blogbot

This Sunday our very special guests will be Love Junkie author Rachel Resnick, dating expert Marni Kinrys (of the Wing Girl Method), and SG’s Red, White and Femme post-feminist sex & sexuality columnist Darrah de jour. They’ll be chatting with hosts Nicole Powers (SG’s Managing Editor) and Lacey Conner (our resident recovering reality TV star from VH1’s Rock of Love and Charm School) about the issues surrounding sex and love addiction. When is a healthy sex life beyond healthy? Are hopeless romantics really hopelessly deluding themselves? Is sex and love addiction really a disease? Can it be cured? If so, how? And can we all learn healthier dating habits by understanding the issues raised by sex and love addiction?

Tune in to the world’s leading naked radio show for two hours of totally awesome tunes and extreme conversation – and don’t let yo momma listen in!

Listen to SG Radio live Sunday night from 10 PM til Midnight on Indie1031.com

Got questions? Then dial our studio hotline digits this Sunday between 10 PM and midnight PST: 323-900-6012

And cyberstalk us on Facebook and Twitter.

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by Laurelin

I have a tattoo on my arm. Well, I have a lot of tattoos on my arm, but the focal point of the whole thing is a portrait of Anne Boleyn. People always ask me, “Why her? Didn’t she get her head chopped off?” Indeed, she did. But that’s not why I have it. Back in the 16th century in England women were expected to be beautiful and ladylike at all times, they were supposed to dance, sing, stitch, and take their place next to their husbands quietly, never betraying emotion, only smiling sweetly even during the worst pain. Anne is a constant reminder of that very behavior. She changed the course of history by never allowing her king to see weakness in spirit. Even after he sentenced her to death she still kept her head high. When I want to cry, I smile sweetly and never betray my feelings. Even when my heart is breaking or when I’m terrified, no one will ever know; I know my place and it’s to never falter.

I’ve always been a fan of the phrase “fake it ’til you make it.” If you act like you know what the hell is going, on people are more likely to think that you do. This can be applied to most any area of your life — most recently for me at work; a promotion at my music club in Boston finds me off the bar and in a brand spanking new manager role which leaves me terrified daily. I have no idea what I’m doing; all these fancy bands and employees now answer to me — I have never been in charge in my life! I just fake it. Act like I know what I’m doing, and it will all fall into place and one day I won’t have to act anymore, one day I really will be this boss lady.

This mantra can be applied to relationships as well. A recent breakup (yes, I know, another one) has left me slightly damaged. I don’t know exactly where it went wrong, but somewhere during our summer in the city we lost something, and it was too far gone to be repaired. Somehow the nights of drinking hadn’t led to those talks that bring people closer together, and instead of trying to fix it, we both allowed the rope to fray until finally, something snapped. We didn’t even have time to heal; working together only a day after the breakup was like rubbing salt into an open wound. I wanted to scream in everyone’s face as I smiled sweetly and took their drink order, “Do you know what this is doing to me?!” Never once did I stumble, and neither did he.

I don’t know if it’s hard for him to see me, and I wonder if he knows that every time I smile or laugh or even talk to him that it’s all an act, every move rehearsed, planned, like a puppet on a stage. I don’t hang out at our bar as much on my nights off, but when I do, every minute spent trying not to look at him feels like an hour. Whatever guy I’m talking to might as well be speaking French, that’s how much I’m paying attention. The room is nothing but a dull roar in the background of my mind, and all I am thinking is “don’t fall.”

There’s something to be said about the way I go about things. Maybe it’s not healthy, maybe it’s avoidance, running away, a sham. Who knows? Maybe this isn’t easy on him either, and watching me just go back to my single life is equally as trying on his shot nerves. I have no way of ever knowing. All I know is that every other time I have built this wall, one day, I wake up and I’m fine. By forcing this immediate friendship I am diving headfirst into daily trauma, but I am laying the groundwork for a normal future. I have no room in my life for hate, so even if I am bursting with anger he’ll never see it.

I know one day, just like all the rest of my ex’s, I will be able to call him a friend. One day I’ll be able to look at him and not have to fake a smile that will tug at the corners of lifeless eyes. One day I will walk into my music club and not shake after I interview an employee or ask a tour manager to please pay attention and sign this contract. Maybe this is life beyond the bar scene after all, being in control and in charge of work and my emotions even though I feel like running to the bathroom in tears. Maybe this is just growing up, accepting this feeling of being scared and alone but powering though because there is no other choice but to go on, no choice but to hold your head high and conquer anything because in this life failure is not an option.

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by Jensen

A column which highlights Suicide Girls and their fave groups.

This week, Jensen Suicide gives us the skinny on her healthy relationship with SG’s Online Dating Group.

Members: 924 / Comments: 4,938

• WHY DO YOU LOVE IT?: I’ve been doing the online dating thing for the latter part of this year, and it’s cool to chat about it with fellow SG internerds!


• DISCUSSION TIP: Don’t whine about never getting messages [unless you’re looking for profile help].
• BEST RANDOM QUOTE: 
: “hi since you’re horny will you have sex with me? We can get to know each other after!” And basically anything else in the “I fought the LOL and the LOL won” thread.


• MOST HEATED DISCUSSION THREAD: Things You Hate in Profiles.
• WHO’S WELCOME TO JOIN?: Everyone!

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by SG’s Team Agony feat. Fabrizia and Morgan

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost five months. At first everything was great. He announced us being together on Facebook and all that. But one day he suddenly set his status to single. I didn’t make a big deal out of it because I don’t even have mine up. But then he blocked me from viewing his wall, and when I asked him about it, he lied and said he turned it off for everybody. When I found out that wasn’t true and confronted him, he turned it back on but took away my posting rights so that I couldn’t make comments.

Despite the online stuff, everything else seems OK. He texts a few times throughout the day and we hangout almost every evening. But he is unemployed, so I am the one doing the driving, the food buying, the entertainment purchasing, etc. My question is: Am I being used for money, sex, and transportation? Or am I seriously being paranoid and over-reactive?

A: I think it would be wise for you to sit down and give some thought as to what exactly it is about this guy that you find attractive. Based on what you have shared, he doesn’t seem to have many redeeming qualities. For one, he is unemployed and you are questioning if you are being used. If you have to question that, I would assume that he is not showing appreciation or making you feel valued for being so accommodating. At the very least, he should be bending over backwards to make you feel cared for, special, beautiful, secure, etc. However, from what you have stated he isn’t even doing that! He’s lying to you, being elusive about his relationship status online, and placing the blame for his shitty behavior on you. The guy sounds like he isn’t worth all of the energy and thought you are placing on him. So to answer your question, no, I do not think you are over-reacting at all. This guy has proven to be dishonest and immature. Please think about what I am saying and try to assess whether or not this is truly worth your energy and your heart. I suspect that you already know that you can do better!

Best of luck to you.



Fabrizia
xoxo

Q. I recently asked a girl to go on a date with me, she said that she was a lesbian, but she would still go on the date with me because I’m a nice guy and kinda cute. We went on the date, got some good food, saw a movie, then came back to my place. She kept reiterating that “nothing is going to happen,” and that she had a girl friend (who I met just a couple days later). We got back to my place, hung out a little, and watched another movie. She got close and touchy, but nothing beyond that happened. We went out to lunch and on a couple more dates after that, with and without her girlfriend. She would get touchy with me at times while holding her girls hand. Anyway, I’m just super confused about what I should do or how I should act and what any of this means. Can you help me?

A: It sounds like your friend has made her intentions clear verbally but is confusing you by getting physically close. Keep in mind that she may just be a particularly touchy-feely person. Some people are affectionate in that way and that doesn’t necessarily mean they have any interest in getting into your pants. Despite potentially confusing physical interactions, I would advice you to listen to what your friend has been saying to you. In your own words she has been reiterating that nothing is going to happen between you two. If her words say, “we are only going to be friends” –– respect those words. Look at it this way: if you assume you have no chance and it turns out that your friend IS attracted to you, it can be a pleasant surprise. As opposed to waiting around hoping you’ll be the dude exception to her rules of attraction and being constantly disappointed.

Morgan

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Yashar Ali

You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!
Sound familiar?

If you’re a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling — that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation — pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.

I think it’s time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not found in our normal vocabulary.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.

Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you,” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.

The form of gaslighting I’m addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.

Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction — whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness — in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.

My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”

My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know that based on these comments, Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”

Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.

But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, the speaker is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.

While dealing with gaslighting isn’t a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.

And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.

Why?

Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.

Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: it renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”

That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, “I’m sorry,” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

You know how it looks: “You’re late :)”

These are the same women who stay in relationships they don’t belong in, who don’t follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.

Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as “crazy” has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.

From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.

Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, “Oh, about how crazy we are?”

Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.

As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.

I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy.”

I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends — surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.

When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.

When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, “The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”

So for many of us, it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.

But isn’t the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn’t quite as legitimate?

Yashar Ali is a Los Angeles-based columnist, commentator, and political veteran whose writings about women, gender inequality, political heroism, and society are showcased on his website, The Current Conscience. Please follow him on Twitter and join him on Facebook.

If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.

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He Doesn’t Deserve Your Validation: Putting The Fake Orgasm Out of Business

by Blogbot

Let’s talks about sex, sexuality, and sexism this Sunday (Oct 23rd). SG Radio hosts Nicole Powers (SG’s Managing Editor) and recovering reality TV star Lacey Conner (Rock of Love and Charm School) will be joined in-studio by the always charming actor, musician and poet Michael Des Barres, gender writer and commentator Yashar Ali, and SG’s Red, White and Femme columnist Darrah de jour.

Tune in to the world’s leading naked radio show for two hours of totally awesome tunes and extreme conversation – and don’t let yo momma listen in!

Listen to SG Radio live Sunday night from 10 PM til Midnight on Indie1031.com

Got questions? Then dial our studio hotline digits this Sunday between 10 PM and midnight PST: 323-900-6012

And don’t forget to follow us on Twitter.

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