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Jul 2012 16

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Kurosune

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Kurosune in Apollo]

Q: I’ve been married for seven years to my high school sweetheart – if you can call him that – I just call him my legally bound roommate. During our marriage I was faithful for the first 6 1/2 years. Him? Well that’s a different story. He’s cheated on me 3 times that I know of. The worst was when I found out about the first two 6 months after my mom died. The last one was about a year ago.

I forgave him so quick the first time when I found out just because I didn’t want to lose him, but this last time has taken longer because I don’t know what I want anymore. Since I found out we’ve done the marriage counseling thing. It seemed like it was working, but he had to stop because he travels for work. He’s only home for about 5 days out of the month and over the summer he went to Australia for 3 weeks.

When he got back I told him that in my mind he hooked up with someone while he was gone and whether he had or hadn’t I didn’t want confirmation because it would just make things worse. While he was gone, I kind of took it upon myself to do what I wanted when I wanted. I mean, he did it, so why couldn’t I? And in all honesty, it felt nice – and still does.

I don’t want to loose him but I don’t know if I really want to stay married either. The idea of an open marriage sounds appealing but I know in all honesty that would probably be the first step of the demise of us. I know I love him, but I just can’t seem to figure out if I’m still in love with him.

A: Seven years is a long time, I commend you for staying in a relationship so long. I speak from personal experience when I say I know exactly what it is like to fall in love and then move in with your high school sweetheart. Me and mine were together for over six years before we finally broke it off. However, your situation…well, it’s a toughy, isn’t it?

I will just cut straight to the chase: A CHEATER IS A CHEATER IS A CHEATER. Very rarely do cheaters change. And for him to have abandoned you when you needed him the most for some nookie – that’s even worse.

I truly empathize with you, because when my mother was in the hospital, all one of my guy friends was trying to do was fuck, so I can appreciate how incredibly insensitive he is as well. Under the circumstance, the fact that you stayed faithful for so long is even more commendable. I’m slightly reminded of the song, “I Shoud’ve Cheated.” You should look it up – a little music therapy for you.

And honey, those are the three times THAT YOU KNOW OF. Again, I wouldn’t have forgiven him after the first incident. But when you say, “You did what you want to do,” that implies that you cheated as well, and, sweetheart, two wrongs certainly do not make a right.

I have a personal philosophy when it comes to cheating: If he loved you, he would have never cheated in the beginning. The opposite side of that, as I see it, is that the minute you had sex with that other guy while in a committed relationship it meant you were basically admitting to yourself that you were no longer in love with him.

Truly, this is your decision, but in reality, however subconsciously, it seems like you’ve already made it. I can understand that you love him, but are you in love with him? And how deep does that love run? Will it cost you your dignity? Your heart? This may just be a relationship that has run its course and that is emotionally healthier to let go. But, ultimately, only you can know what path you need to take.

If it were me, I hope I’d have the strength to take the path away from a man who cheats, who will continue to cheat, and who will break your heart again and again and again. Stay strong and stay focused on what makes you happy. Remember, YOU COME FIRST.

Best of luck and all my love,

<3 Kurosune
XOX

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Jul 2012 09

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rydell

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Rydell in Changing Seasons]

Q: My girlfriend of seven years left me recently and it devastated me. We lived together for most of that time, and I was ready to marry her. After she landed a new job in a salon, our communication broke down starting a downward spiral. We never really fought about anything of importance, and we’re incredibly happy and good together up to the end. She left saying it was because she felt under appreciated/loved and that we were growing apart. I know I fell into a ‘funk’ and became less outwardly affectionate towards the end, but the feelings I have only grew, not subsided. It’s been two months and haven’t had any contact, and I want nothing more than the chance to see if she was right about growing apart and see where that takes us. What can I do to try and get her to see that I’m a changed man that understands what went wrong, and that I was a chance to start over and date her again?

—A sad and optimistic guy in the South Bay

A: If you are looking to “reconnect” with her, contact her and see where her head is. Maybe she is in the same mind set or maybe she isn’t. All you can do is ask. If she feels that enough time hasn’t past or really just wants to move on and away from the relationship you had, then really all you can do is respect it and try something new in your life.

Try dating someone else when you feel your heart is healed enough and take things slow. I am sure it will feel weird at first, but in time maybe you will see more “little things” that maybe weren’t so right with your past relationship.

Getting a little perspective with time and space, will help you realize the things you don’t want in a current relationship, and also recognize the things that were good that you would like to carry over to a new one.

Like I say, talk to each other and see if a reconciliation is possible. if not, have a Plan B and start there. Maybe in time she’ll realize what she wants is what she already had, and maybe she won’t. Who know, by then you may have something even better anyways.

Good luck.

<3 Rydell

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Jul 2012 02

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rin

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Rin in Voyeur]

Q: I recently ended the second relationship in a row with what can most appropriately be called a psycho. I know that I am not the root cause as others around me can confirm that she was indeed off her rocker. I am thoroughly fed up with being with women who have a loose grip on reality at best and I would like to figure out what it is about me that is either attracted to this type of woman initially or what attracts them to me. I like women with a strong will and personality but that has been translating into absolutely crazy women not strong willed women. If there is someway you can help me separate these to qualities I would forever be in your debt.

A: I can totally understand why this problem would be vexing you! Dating patterns can be kind of difficult to get to the bottom of.

A good way to find out if a person is insane is to take time getting to know them. Don’t jump straight to dating. Spending time getting to know a woman will let you see different facets of her personality. See how she deals with problems. When issues arise, does she take responsibility for her own actions, and admit when she has acted wrongly? Does she have many long-term friends? Does she blame other people for all the bad things in her life?

Once you figure out how she reacts in all these different situations, you will have a good idea if she is batshit insane or a tough woman who knows how to take care of herself. When you meet someone you’re attracted to, it’s tempting to pursue it immediately, but if you want to break your psycho-cycle it’s best to take things a bit more slowly.

I can’t speak to what in you might be attracted to crazy women – do you like drama? Do you like having someone to take care of? Does your mother have a strong grip on sanity? Are you afraid of having a serious relationship, so you unconsciously seek out situations that will self-destruct? Sometimes like attracts like – maybe you have some of your own issues to deal with before you will be a really stable boyfriend. It’s worth examining your own motives in this context to see how you might be drawn to these women.

Rin

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Jun 2012 25

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Jeckyl

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Jeckyl in Abnormal Behavior]

Q: Ok, so I have this problem. I am friends with this girl who I now have a lot of feelings for. I would like to take our relationship to the next level and try dating. I have asked her about it and she says that she doesn’t want to mess up our friendship right now. When we are hanging out with my friends and her friends, they all tell me that she really likes me. I don’t know what to do about it.


A: Well, maybe you don’t need to do anything about it. Remember she said she doesn’t want to mess up your friendship “right now” – this doesn’t mean that a relationship is completely out of the question. Just not a likelihood at this point. She knows that you have feelings for her, and you know that she has feelings for you. You’ve obviously discussed this and she’s given you her opinion. With everything out in the open, all there’s really left to do is wait.


The basis of any great relationship is the ability to put the other person’s feelings above your own, so I think it’d be wise to respect her decision. If both parties or one party aren’t ready for the next step, pushing it only leads to resentment in the long run.

Instead, right now focus on nurturing what you already have. If more comes of it, great but, if not, that’s fine too. Take the time to really consider what it is that you want. A good friendship doesn’t necessarily translate into a good relationship. Dating is a completely different ballgame.

Also consider the effect it’ll have on your friendship if this relationship goes south. Make sure it’s worth the risk.
You’d be very wise to consider all the implications of your choices before you make them because there’s really no going back.


Dating your friend is sometimes a lot harder than dating a stranger. You don’t get a clean slate and you only get one shot. Make sure that, when the time comes, you’re ready and you do it right. Love is hard to find and you don’t want to ruin something that had the potential to be amazing.

Best of luck, whatever your final decision may be. I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

Jeckyl

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Jun 2012 18

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Seizure

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Seizure in Mirror Mirror]

Q: I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for year. The problem is that she hates sex. Her ex-boyfriend abused her in and out of the bedroom. Now I don’t know how to return the desire. I am very passionate in bed but she is very monotonous and not very funny, and I think this is starting to affect me.

A: This is a hard situation to deal with I am sure. The best advice that I feel can be given is to make sure that the sex happens naturally. Don’t make plans for it because it will just put pressure on her and cause her to think and get stressed out. Make sure she is always comfortable with what is going on. If she has any triggers, then always avoid them. She will open up more and more when she feels safe and comfortable. Her self-esteem is probably shaken as well so help her to find her self-worth. Make sure she always knows how you feel about her, and how attractive and awesome you think she is. I think both physical and emotional comfort is the key to helping her to open up more during intimacy. If things don’t improve however, and it seems like they haven’t since you’ve already been dating for a year, you may want to encourage her to seek professional help.

<3 Seizure

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Jun 2012 04

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Sassie

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Sassie in Postern]

Q: So I’ll get right to it. I have known this girl for several years and we have a ton of the same friends. Randomly we started dating a couple months ago and I have noticed something I really don’t like — she CAN’T stop sharing every aspect of every date we go on.

It’s like being on one of those AT&T commercials where everyone is saying, “That’s so 10 seconds ago.” I’m tired of hearing about our dates second and even third-hand. We were talking the other day and she was describing the VERY intimate sexual habits of her female friend and a guy she had been dating. Then, when I asked her about how she could repeat stuff like that, she answered, “Well, girls look to each other to get verification of…” I had stopped listening.

Not only did she not think this was intrusive into what was an intimate relationship, but she was actually defending it. I think she later realized I was not exactly on the same boat with her and she said something to the effect that she would never tell anything about anyone she really liked.

I was even more puzzled because if her friend was doing what she said, I’m guessing she at least liked him. I realize she is unlikely to change even if I asked her to, but this is always in the back of my head and it really stops me from sharing with her. It definitely makes me feel less intimate and I feel myself withdrawing from her.

If we broke up we would still see each other very often just because of our common social circle. Is it too much to ask that when I ask her not to share certain details of our relationship that she respect that? Or should I just assume that if we do ever break up everything is going to get spilled?

Or am I being dumb to worry about this at all?

Thanks for your time!

A: I feel that there are two sides to this. Some girls (and guys) talk very openly to their friends about their sexual relationships and other wise. I am one of these people, but I only have one or two very close friends that I share this information with. These close friends, are people I can trust and know won’t go around telling every person they see.

However, it sounds like things are getting back to you about your relationship from people other than your girlfriend that are mutual friends. I can understand how this could bother you, but you can’t really control what she does or doesn’t talk about with whom. And if she doesn’t really see any problem with the behavior, you can’t make her change how she feels. So you don’t see eye to eye on this one matter. What if you try asking her not to talk about that kind of stuff around you? Explain that you don’t care to hear the details of all of your friends’ relationships. And tell your friends that they have no business talking about your relationship either. If they are your real friends they will understand.

The second side of this is begs the question, why do you care so much? Ask yourself what about her sharing these types of things really bothers you. Are you embarrassed? Or maybe you just feel that any talk of your intimate sexual habits should just be between the two of you. Why? Do you not have a close guy friend that you share your stories with? If you’re having problems coming to a resolution, and can’t even openly discuss this with her, then you’re headed for problems.

I know it sounds corny, but communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship. If she’s just sharing with certain people and you’re not the talk of the town, I wouldn’t worry about it so much. Things start to get complicated when it turns into gossip. If you’re already asking yourself “what if” we broke up, then you obviously aren’t happy with how things are going and perhaps need to make some changes. So either stop withdrawing and have an adult conversation about how you feel and what you need, or maybe consider that you guys were, and are, better off as just friends.

Thanks for the question!

<3 Sassie!

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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May 2012 28

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Lyxzen

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Lyxzen in A Sunny Day In Portland]

Q. So my relationship is still new but already it feels like it’s losing its fire. I’ve actually known this girl since I was 17, but she was in a relationship at the time and we ended up losing touch. At the beginning of the month we found each other again online and at first she didn’t know who I was because I’ve changed so much. I keep hearing from her friends that she really likes me, but I just never get the same feeling that she wants me that I felt when we first started being together. I really like her and I really don’t want this to be like all my other relationships where the girl leaves me after a few months. If you have any advice on how to help me keep her around I would greatly appreciate it.

A. Spring has sprung and love is in the air, eh? The beginning of a relationship is so awesome. Butterflies in your stomach all the time; flirty texts, instant messages, and phone calls just to say “hi”; talking to your friends about the object of your affection so much that it borders on being annoying. I’m about a year and a half into my current relationship and I’m still guilty of all of these. Feels good, doesn’t it?

I say soak it in and stop stressing. Not every relationship is going to follow the same pattern of butterflies and giddiness, and some will end up settling down much sooner than others. Regardless of your worry about the flames dying down, your lady’s friends know her best, and if they say she’s into you – you’ve got to trust that. Sounds like you’ve turned out to be a pretty good catch if she ended up falling for you all these years later.

I do want to lay down some Dr. Phil talk on you, though. I’m picking up on insecurities on your end, and a lot of them. Maybe you didn’t like the old you before you changed, and that’s okay. We’re all ever-changing, but only you can decide if you’re growing as a person or devolving. Or maybe it’s this pattern of your previous girlfriends ditching out on you after just a few months that has you mentally preparing yourself for the same thing to happen this time.

Either way, these insecurities are preventing you from just relaxing and enjoying your time with this awesome girl. If all you’re able to do is stress out about how to keep her interest, I promise you that you will lose her interest. I’m sure men have the same sense, but I know for a fact that women can pick up on a lack of confidence pretty easily. It gets exhausting trying to convince someone you’re seeing that they’re attractive enough, intelligent enough, interesting enough, good enough in bed. And the list goes on. One of my friends recently broke it off with a guy because he kept voicing concerns that he didn’t have enough tattoos for her taste. (She hadn’t even thought of it until he brought it up, but his insecurity about it was what actually turned her off!)

Now, if you think your insecurities are more deeply-rooted, talking with a therapist or counselor is an awesome way to take control and start working seriously on the issue. If it’s not quite to that point, focus on spending time with people that make you feel confident (like really supportive friends) and working on hobbies that make you feel great — if you’re artistic or into sports, make time for these things!

And, although it sounds a little less relevant at first, another great thing to help figure yourself out is volunteering with an organization where you know you’re doing something great for other people or animals. Nothing will give you a boost like taking part in planting a community garden, helping homeless critters find loving families, or being a Big Brother or Sister to a kid who needs a role model. Volunteer Match (http://www.volunteermatch.org/) is a great place for anyone to start looking for ways help out in their community.

Let this rad new lady be your motivation to work on your confidence, but do it for yourself. Whether or not she’s in the picture, this pattern you mention will continue if you don’t break the cycle.

Good luck with everything, sweetness, and be sure to send me a wedding invite whenever it happens!

Lyxzen
xoxo

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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