by SG’s Team Agony feat. Lyxzen

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. So my relationship is still new but already it feels like it’s losing its fire. I’ve actually known this girl since I was 17, but she was in a relationship at the time and we ended up losing touch. At the beginning of the month we found each other again online and at first she didn’t know who I was because I’ve changed so much. I keep hearing from her friends that she really likes me, but I just never get the same feeling that she wants me that I felt when we first started being together. I really like her and I really don’t want this to be like all my other relationships where the girl leaves me after a few months. If you have any advice on how to help me keep her around I would greatly appreciate it.

A. Spring has sprung and love is in the air, eh? The beginning of a relationship is so awesome. Butterflies in your stomach all the time; flirty texts, instant messages, and phone calls just to say “hi”; talking to your friends about the object of your affection so much that it borders on being annoying. I’m about a year and a half into my current relationship and I’m still guilty of all of these. Feels good, doesn’t it?

I say soak it in and stop stressing. Not every relationship is going to follow the same pattern of butterflies and giddiness, and some will end up settling down much sooner than others. Regardless of your worry about the flames dying down, your lady’s friends know her best, and if they say she’s into you – you’ve got to trust that. Sounds like you’ve turned out to be a pretty good catch if she ended up falling for you all these years later.

I do want to lay down some Dr. Phil talk on you, though. I’m picking up on insecurities on your end, and a lot of them. Maybe you didn’t like the old you before you changed, and that’s okay. We’re all ever-changing, but only you can decide if you’re growing as a person or devolving. Or maybe it’s this pattern of your previous girlfriends ditching out on you after just a few months that has you mentally preparing yourself for the same thing to happen this time.

Either way, these insecurities are preventing you from just relaxing and enjoying your time with this awesome girl. If all you’re able to do is stress out about how to keep her interest, I promise you that you will lose her interest. I’m sure men have the same sense, but I know for a fact that women can pick up on a lack of confidence pretty easily. It gets exhausting trying to convince someone you’re seeing that they’re attractive enough, intelligent enough, interesting enough, good enough in bed. And the list goes on. One of my friends recently broke it off with a guy because he kept voicing concerns that he didn’t have enough tattoos for her taste. (She hadn’t even thought of it until he brought it up, but his insecurity about it was what actually turned her off!)

Now, if you think your insecurities are more deeply-rooted, talking with a therapist or counselor is an awesome way to take control and start working seriously on the issue. If it’s not quite to that point, focus on spending time with people that make you feel confident (like really supportive friends) and working on hobbies that make you feel great — if you’re artistic or into sports, make time for these things!

And, although it sounds a little less relevant at first, another great thing to help figure yourself out is volunteering with an organization where you know you’re doing something great for other people or animals. Nothing will give you a boost like taking part in planting a community garden, helping homeless critters find loving families, or being a Big Brother or Sister to a kid who needs a role model. Volunteer Match (http://www.volunteermatch.org/) is a great place for anyone to start looking for ways help out in their community.

Let this rad new lady be your motivation to work on your confidence, but do it for yourself. Whether or not she’s in the picture, this pattern you mention will continue if you don’t break the cycle.

Good luck with everything, sweetness, and be sure to send me a wedding invite whenever it happens!

Lyxzen
xoxo

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Yulia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: So here’s my problem, while I’m sure it is not unique it’s the first time I’ve come across it. I am interested in a woman that is a single parent. I am one too. However, my access to my son is alternating weekends, whereas she is, from what I can tell, the only parent in the picture. As I’m sure you can guess, this makes going out very difficult for her.

Sincerely, trying to remember how to date!

A: You are in a tough and confusing situation, for sure! It’s hard enough beginning any relationship after being single for a long time, but you’re interested in someone whose first concern will always be for her daughter. Even if she is actively hoping to get together with you, her desire is not her priority. Because you mention childcare I will assume her daughter is young.

It’s nerve-racking when you’ve flown solo for so long but finally have feelings for someone else. It can feel like you’re hitting puberty all over again — figuratively speaking — and experiencing that first crush. What do you say? How do you let her know? How do you know what she feels? Even though you’re past this initial stage and have already planned on spending time together, you’re still waiting for the first date. If at all possible, try to see this as anticipation and excitement rather than frustration. I’m not suggesting you stop trying to plan, but that you focus on what could be and share these feelings with the woman you’re into and maybe it will motivate her to find a good babysitter.

Easier said than done, I know. Is her child very young, or old enough to understand a few things? If we’re talking about an infant, this won’t apply, but if the child is in school than your love interest may be worried about how that child will feel if his or her mother is dating. You say there’s no father in the picture, so the mother may fear her child will get attached to quickly or immediately see you as a potential dad. She may also fear the child will see you as competition for attention. She may not want the child to see her go through the range of emotions relationships bring. However, she has expressed interest in seeing you, so if she is deeply concerned about any of this, she may be willing to see you if you agree to underplay the significance of your relationship in front of the child (at least for now). There is nothing wrong with this! Many single parents choose to wait for months before telling their children about a relationship. They aren’t lying or hiding their partners; they’re simply making sure this is important enough to share with the kids. When it is, it will be that much more meaningful.

If that’s not the case, could you suggest getting together with the kids? If both your children are there it will seem more natural, and you could even fudge the storyline a bit by telling the kids you’re friends from work, Say you just happened to have four tickets to the ball game and needed two more people. Just don’t alter the truth too often or someone will catch on. Kids aren’t stupid!

Meanwhile, perhaps there’s a way you can help her find child care. Do you know any great babysitters? Do you have any responsible relatives nearby looking for a bit of extra work? If money is an issue, offer to split the cost of a babysitter. If trust is an issue, you could suggest meeting with candidates and then inviting them to spend time with both mother and child to create that trust.

Above all, pay attention to non-verbal signs you get from her. Is she really interested, but concerned about her kid’s reaction? Is she into you, but nervous for herself? Maybe she hasn’t dated in a long time either, or maybe you are the first person she has felt an attraction to since the child’s father. Try to find some common ground in your struggles to get together and work from there.

Yulia

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Smythe

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: My boyfriend is great! We have an adventurous sex life. We’re open and young and love each other very much. We have a 3-month old son, but that hasn’t changed our sex life much. Recently though, my boyfriend’s been avoiding sex. It doesn’t matter if I play hard to get or if I’m throwing myself at him or anything in between, he’s just not into it. Why could this be?

A: There have been A LOT of changes in you and your boyfriend’s life. You were pregnant, and had a kid. Whoa. Huge deal. Is it possibly stress related? There’s a big shift in responsibility, both personal and financial. He could be freaking out a little.

You mentioned that you have an adventurous sex life with your boyfriend. Great! But, do you both feel that way? What might make things amazing for you in the sack, might not be what lights his fire.

The thing is, it could be almost anything under the sun causing him to have an aversion to sex. But no matter what you think it might be that is causing a lack of umph in bedroom, you’re never going to know until you talk to him. Sit him down and have an open and honest conversation, without judgment.

Smythe

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I’ve been in a serious rut lately. I don’t know if it has to do with my approaching 30th birthday, my increased responsibility at work, my lack of any romantic interest in anyone besides an ex that I just want out of my head, or a lethal combination of all of these things. Either way, I haven’t been very happy lately, and I really don’t feel like myself. I feel…lost. Sad. Alone. Rejected. Like I’m standing in a crowded room screaming — and no one can hear me, or the ones who can just don’t care.

I know it is nothing more than a temporary hiccup in an otherwise smooth existence, so I have been dealing with this the best way I know how: drinking, reading, working out, whatever. I’m choosing one night a week to do something really fun and taking it to the next level in a vain attempt to forget that for one second, when I go home, I will probably just start to cry about the same thing over and over again.

The one constant in my recent fall from my ever-perfect life is my ex-boyfriend from a few years ago. He was the person who inspired me to start writing this column; first in anger, then as time went on in friendship and in unwavering support. He moved to Los Angeles about five months ago. His leaving made me feel like a part of my life was seriously over. I felt conflicted; devastated and happy at the same time. This city eats bartenders alive, and he was ready for a change. We always said we would go together, and when we broke up I was the one dead set on leaving… but I wound up staying, and months later, he left, and I cried.

He knows me better than most of my girlfriends, and when I call him drunk and crying about another guy at 4 AM, he always answers and he always knows just what to say. Just hearing his voice on the other end of the line is like being thrown a rope, something to keep me hanging on for just a little bit longer.

“You were crying about birthday cake,” he said the other morning, “it was cute, and sad.” Birthday cake, the one that I had custom made for a guy who never showed up for his party I helped plan in Boston, and who shut off his phone when I called to ask what was going on. Instead, I carted the cake home to my apartment and my roommates and we tore it apart; ate half of it and threw the rest in the trash. And I got drunk and I cried, because I was an idiot to care about someone who never cared for me, again.

And then, a few weeks ago, my ex called from LA to say he was coming home. He had had enough of California, and for once, I didn’t cry. He was coming home and finally, maybe, things could get back to normal. He’s been back for two days, and when I woke up this morning I was tangled up in him and for once, I didn’t feel lost.

I woke up, I took his clothes and I washed them with mine. I pulled his old dusty Tupperware container out of the closet and got him new socks and underwear and one of his T-shirts. I made coffee while he slept, and when he woke up he rubbed my back because I had run twelve miles in the rain the day before and I was cold and sore, and we were happy.

We might not be together anymore, and I don’t want to be, to be honest. We’re clearly both lost, but we take care of each other, for now. Sometimes, when you’re in a rut it’s nice to have someone throw you a rope. Other times it’s nice to have someone climb down and sit there with you until you’re ready to muster the strength to get out on your own.

[..]

by Bradley Suicide

The coast is clear, the view is distorted.

I have found myself newly single and have thus been thrown head first into the sad and sorry existence that is the dating scene. I am the first to admit that I have no patience for this type ordeal (and yes, it is an ordeal at times). I am probably every dude’s nightmare when it comes to being approachable, and then on top of that, it takes a very certain person to hold my attention for more than a minute or two. That certain type of person, unfortunately, is generally what our society refers to as a “douche bag.’ Yes, I have a firm belief that my “picker” if you will, is pretty much busted.

Through the trials and tribulations that I have been through since my single life has started up again, I have learned a few things. Coping with being alone is no easy task, and coming out of the security a three year relationship makes singledom all the more of a shock. It can also, at times, be an absolute blast, but easy and fun are not necessarily synonymous.

When I first became the newly single me, I felt pretty lost and found myself starting to see someone right off the bat. Not seriously, but in my naïve little heart I thought that it could lead to something long term. I was definitely mistaken. He was one of those guys that we have all had a run in with on some level. Extremely charismatic, good looking, acted like he wanted to give me everything that I wanted, blah, blah, blah. In the end we went out a few times, hooked up for a while, and then, well, let’s just say my rose-tinted spectacles fell off with a thud. I was not heartbroken by any means (ego bruised yes, heartbroken, no), but I did get hit with a major dose of reality. This gentleman and I ultimately became very close friends. We still have our fun from time to time, but it’s on my terms now and all of the cards are on the table.

When I look at my single escapades, and yes, there have been many of over the past few months, I just shake my head at my own antics and vow that I will learn and grow from them. This, of course, has yet to happen. Can you really blame me? You take a girl like me and throw me into the singles scene, and shit is going to go down. Especially with my affinity for tattooed boys with an “I don’t give a fuck attitude.”

I am not interested in settling down, at least not with anyone who is emotionally available and I don’t like to sleep alone. This is a dangerous combination. So what is a girl to do? Thus far I have been enjoying the ride. Never turning down a drink and breaking hearts along the way. It’s go time in Bradleyville. We will see where this all takes me.

I have no clue what the next few months will bring. Hell, I don’t know what the next few minutes will. But I do know one thing, I am having fun. Please stay tuned for further developments. I am sure that things are going to get interesting.

Until next time.

Bradley
xoxo

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Tita

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I have been with my girlfriend (girl-girl couple) for almost nine months now. Sadly, she had to move so currently we are long distance. My problem is, I am feeling unappreciated. Our relationship seems to be me giving and barely getting anything in return. Recently, I sent her a memory card full of saucy teases and the only thing she has to say is, “The videos are too short.” You see my problem?

I feel I am coming to the end of my patience. She has always been a taker and I am naturally a giver. How do I talk to her about how unsatisfied and unappreciated I feel without seeming mad, or like a total a-hole?

A: First up, I would like to point out that telling someone you are unsatisfied, or feeling under appreciated does not immediately make you an “a-hole.” Communication is an important part of any relationship, and should be one of the strongest bonds that you share.

Asking for what we want and need, and being “demanding” are not the same thing! Just as being “helpful or caring” and “overly accommodating” are not mutually exclusive.

Truthfully, distance seems to be the least of your relationship problems. Or perhaps it has just highlighted issues that were already there.

Have you asked yourself: What were things like before we separated? Was I happier then? Was my partner more engaged, or giving? (According to your email, she has “always been a taker” – so perhaps not.)

And following those questions, why not continue with: What in this relationship is worth sticking around for? You list your girlfriend’s inequities, but surely there must be some good qualities, or you wouldn’t be sticking it out. Or… would you?!?

Often times we repeat a pattern of behavior because we don’t know any different. In this case, it seems the distance should have been as good a reason as any to cut the cord, yet you chose to remain attached. Why is that?

I think you need to take a good look at what is in this for you – without pausing to tell yourself that that is selfish or mean. If you asked yourself that very question right now, gun to your head –what would you come up with?

Sure, coming out to your Dad may be positive for you in the long run, but what made you take such a leap at the request of your girlfriend, and not for yourself? In my opinion, in order to find your place in this relationship, you must first find your own voice. Figure out what you want. Itemize your needs. Visualize where you want your relationship (and life) to go. And then, take stock and see if your current relationship is a good fit.

From where I’m sitting, it doesn’t look like it.

No one’s saying it will be easy, but I hope when the time comes you find the strength to take what may be the harder of two roads.

Good luck!

*Besos*

Tita

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

It’s been a long time since I’ve done this. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday, a once sharp pain now only a memory that makes me cringe only because of the way I almost remember feeling. It’s faded now, the sharp feeling of loss from so long ago to be replaced with this new experience, one that’s a bit more bittersweet and almost entirely silly.

I remember the first time. I was standing at the Ocean Mist in Rhode Island at an all ages rock show. The bar was perfect; on stilts that went into the ocean so when you looked away from the crowded stage and sticker covered walls you could see only the blue of the ocean. The windows were open in the summer and you could taste the salt on your tongue while you breathed in the bass from the speakers. As a teenager, it was heaven.

I had had a crush on this guy forever, and I had decided that while we were all out that night I was finally going to tell him how I felt. The music faded to a dull pounding in my brain as I walked over to him, and my stomach flipped somersaults. I somehow managed to spit it out, not remembering exactly what I said but distinctly remembering his face, his blank expression that told me that I was wrong, he would never like me back, and I turned and ran. Later a friend told me that he was embarrassed, that I was too tall, disproportionate. I wanted to die.

All these years later, finally comfortable with who I am, how tall I am, my life and my choices. All these years later still struggling with the truth and just finally giving up and telling someone I still have feelings for them even though I know nothing good will come of it. I don’t know why I said it. I don’t know why I felt the need to tell him, it’s not like I couldn’t sleep or live without finally getting this off my chest. I know it was stupid and it does nothing but makes things awkward. (All these years later that still hasn’t changed.)

I don’t feel better. I don’t know if I feel worse. I don’t think things can be the same, but they shouldn’t have to be different. I imagine that in the grand scheme of my life, this is going to be something I look back on and laugh at. A psychic once held my hand and said, “You have already been so lucky, you’ve had two great loves and two great heartbreaks. This thing you hold, this is neither. So why can’t you move on?”

It’s something that now, I can remedy with calling other ex-boyfriends and drinking with girlfriends, where as back then I cried myself to sleep for days. This time, only a train ride home with a bit of smudged mascara, a woeful realization that I’m not as tough as I make myself out to be. I feel bad for myself. I feel bad for making him struggle to find the right words to not hurt my feelings. I feel bad for the past three guys I’ve dated, because I have kicked them all to the curb with a handful of lies and half truths once we hit the one month period. Better off alone until I figure this out, don’t like to be alone so I start things I can’t finish.

“It’s okay, because you know this is silly,” my roommate says as I’m trying not to let anyone at the bar see me cry. “I know,” I mumble, and I DO know. I don’t even notice the guy walking up behind me and ordering shots. “Two please,” he says and passes one to me with a kind smile. My eyes dry almost instantly, and I know how stupid I must look. We cheers and the shot goes down like fire, but I seem to have found my coy smile, and this guy is kind of cute.

“Rough night?” he asks.

“It’s nothing,” I say smoothly, and the lie spreads like butter on warm toast, so well that I almost believe it. Almost.

[..]