by Fanny Merkin a.k.a. Andrew Shaffer

The following is an exclusive excerpt from Fanny Merkin’s parody novel, Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. At this point in the story, the rich, sexy tycoon, Earl Grey, has just led college student Anna Steal into his “Room of Doom”…

The first thing I notice is the smell: Nag Champa incense and dirty laundry. The room is illuminated only by black light, but I can see enough to tell this is the kind of closet R. Kelly wouldn’t mind being trapped in. The room is tiny compared to the rest of Earl Grey’s apartment. There’s barely enough room for the waterbed. Whips, chains, ropes, riding crops, paddles, and iron shackles are hung up on the walls next to black-light posters — really trippy black-light posters. Room of Doom? More like the “Dorm Room of Doom.”

I feel Earl’s hand on my left shoulder. He’s breathing into my ear. “Welcome to my world, Anna.”

“Do you bring all your dates here?”

“I don’t know if I’d call them ‘dates,’” he says. “They are, more accurately, LARPers. ‘LARP’ stands for ‘live-action role playing.’”

“If they’re not dates, then what are they? Volunteers? Where do you meet them?”

Earl picks up an impossibly large, rounded red die off the nightstand and rolls it around in his hand. “There are women who LARP professionally,” he says. “They’re all over Craigslist.”

I laugh at the thought of him trolling for women on Craigslist. Surely someone as good looking and rich as Earl Grey doesn’t need to resort to picking up girls on the Internet! “You’re kidding,” I say.

He shakes his head. “I know, it just seems so dirty to meet women on Craigslist.”

“Dirty and gross,” I say.

“It’s just one of my fifty shames, Anna,” he says, lowering his head. “You don’t know the depths of my perversion.”

I’ve already seen him at what I figured was the depth of his shame, buying a Nickelback CD. Do I want to know how deep his perversions go? “And you use these . . . things on them? You torture them?” I ask, motioning to his toys.

“If the game calls for it.”

“And who decides that?” I ask.

“I do, with a little help from my trusty D-sixty-nine,” he says, rolling the die on the nightstand. “This is a sixty-nine-sided die, Anna. As the Dungeon Master, I use it to guide the action.”

The die rolls to a stop. “So you want me to role play with you?” I ask.

“Eventually,” he says, grinning.

“What do I get out of the whole deal? I don’t know if pretending I’m an elf being whipped is really my thing.”

“I see you as more of a faery than as an elf, but we can get into specifics later. What I get out of our arrangement is you, submitting to my every whim,” he says. “And what you get is Earl Grey.”

Wow. Somebody thinks highly of themselves.

“But we can ease our way into our LARPing characters with time. I don’t know what you’re doing to me, Anna: I don’t feel the need to pretend you’re a captive orc princess in order to get off. All I know is that I need you right now — any way I can get you.”

Oh my. Earl reaches a hand out to me. I take it in mine, and he leads me to the waterbed…

Continue reading the story in Fifty Shames of Earl Grey, available in bookstores everywhere! To locate a copy near you or find one online, visit 50shames.com.

Fanny Merkin lives in a Beverly Hills mansion purchased using the embarrassingly large advance she received for Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. She is a former Walmart employee who writes under the pseudonym, “Andrew Shaffer,” for publications as diverse as Mental Floss, Maxim and SuicideGirls. Andrew Shaffer is the author of Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love. He reviews romance, erotica, and women’s fiction for RT Book Reviews magazine.

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by SG’s Team Agony feat. Smythe

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I have a very close friend who recently told me she was physically attracted to me, and wants to start a friends with benefits relationship. There is a lot of sexual tension between us, and although I’m very sure I won’t develop feelings for her, her friends have told me that she hopes down the line we can have a full-on relationship. I’m afraid of her developing emotional feelings, and endangering our friendship. I really love the girl and don’t want to lose her as a friend. What should I do?

A: Holy goodness, that’s a toughie. It is really awesome that you realize there may be issues with engaging in a friends with benefits (FWB) relationship. If she’s already made mention of hoping for more than just ass with you, then odds are things will get complicated. She’s going into things with hopes for more, and she will probably get attached more than is warranted in a FWB arrangement. It seems like, despite what she may say, she won’t be able to help herself from getting overly emotionally involved. At the end of a FWB relationship, depending on the kind of a person she is, it may just take a moment for her to wrap her head around the shift back to strictly friends status, but there is the possibility of her taking it hard, like a legit break up, and you may lose her as a friend.



You also don’t have to jump into the deep end with the FWB thing. Talk about it with her, express your concern about losing a friend. Probably don’t mention her friends speaking to you; let the conversation just be about you and her. Gauge her responses to your concerns, it may be clear at that point that it’s best not to go any further. If you decide to give the FWB thing a go, maybe keep it PG-13 for a bit and see if her attitude towards you shifts. I feel like a lot of people can shrug off a few make out sessions, but damage control after sex can be a bit harder.



Tread carefully, if you dare to tread at all.

Smythe

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Bradley Suicide

I, like so many of us, grew up loving ‘80s classics. The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Saint Elmo’s Fire, on and on. I could recite these movies word for word, line by line when I was growing up, and to tell you the truth, still can.

The movie that took the cake for me was, by far, Sixteen Candles. Something about it captivated me. And of course, I was enthralled with the smoldering and sexy Jake Ryan, just like almost every other girl. With that amazing bone structure and those perfectly gorgeous piercing bedroom eyes, he had my heart beating out of control (I have to pause and take a moment).

In case you live under a rock and haven’t seen Sixteen Candles, I will take this opportunity to tell you to pause your reading and pick up where you’ve left off once you have watched every amazingly corny moment of it in its entirety.

The other day this slice of ‘80s awesomeness was on TV so I flipped it on while I got ready for work. Somewhere towards the end of the movie between when Samantha’s sister is in the middle of her drug induced nuptials and when that limo pulls away revealing the ever breathtaking Jake sitting there waiting for Samantha it hit me, Jake Ryan was a douche bag.

Plain and simple.

After carefully mulling over the key moments in the film that led me to this conclusion, I was dumbfounded that it had taken me so long to realize this. Between throwing a Project X style party and destroying his parents home, being an asshole to his girlfriend, then basically pimping her out in a rufied state to some random dude he doesn’t know, and lending a kid without a license his dad’s Rolls Royce…well I am pretty sure all of that has nut sack written all over it. The cherry on top of all of it is that horrible scene where Jake and his friend appear to be doing innumerous pull-ups, only when the camera to pans out you realize that in true bro fashion they have been standing on the ground the whole time thinking they are hot shit. Watching it now, it kind of reminds me of Mike “The Situation” from Jersey Shore!

Long after the candles on the cardboard cake had been blown out and the credits had rolled, I was still reeling. I began looking at the guys that I am attracted to and re-evaluating the relationships that I have had, both short and long, with this new epiphany in mind. And then, Doh! Facepalm! The pieces fell into place. Things like this are the reason I, and so many other girls, like assholes. We are conditioned to like the guy that is a complete douche at times because it has been beaten into us since our youth. Not to say there isn’t other conditioning that I am sure is involved, but humor me here.

On top of it all, and I am sure people are going to rip me a new one for this, but the ending of this movie is so far from the scope of reality that it’s insane. When on earth has this happened? In a high school setting, when has the smoldering, popular, sexy as all hell dude ever left his perfect ten girlfriend for a chick that he doesn’t know and that is by no means bad looking but definitely wouldn’t turn your head? Never. It doesn’t happen. Berate me all you want for this, but you cannot say that I am wrong. (I didn’t blossom until after high school and was very awkward for most of it, so I was definitely on the plain side of that coin.)

And I know it isn’t just me that this crap has subconsciously affected, go ahead and flip on the radio to Taylor Swift, her songs are all filled with this exact scenario, which in turn is screwing over yet another generation of females who are being set up with the same recipe for heartache and disaster that Sixteen Candles so generously left my generation. It’s a vicious cycle.

Now that I have come to this conclusion, I can actively work on trying to pick better dudes. Like guys that treat me well, who don’t pimp me out to people when I’m inebriated, and who actually can do pull-ups. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, but thus far this seems to be a pretty tall order.

And there you have it, my Jake Ryan theory.

You’re welcome.

Xoxo
Bradley

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by Sex Toy Expert Moxi Suicide

Hands down this is my favorite bullet. Years ago, while I still worked at Bed Behavior, my co-worker and I sat testing out vibrators on the tips of our fingers. We popped in the batteries, hand sanitized and let ‘em whir. I had triple AAA’s in a quick little flicker clitoral vibrator and my co–worker had put double AA’s in a purple textured bullet. “Woah,” she said reaching over and touching the vibrator to my index finger, “feel this, imagine how good this would feel down there.” My lips parted with pleasure. “Oh my god, I have to get that one!”

The Nubby Bullet is made by Cal Exotics and boasts that it’s 100% silicone, so don’t use this with your silicone lubricant! Using a silicone lubricant with a silicone toy is always a no-no because the silicone in the lubricant and the silicone in the toy will bond together and destroy your toy overtime by pulling away tiny bits of it. Use water based lubes with this guy instead!

The speed is variable and controlled through a dial on the hand held portion of the vibrator. You can easily adjust speed with one hand while using the bullet part on your lady bits. I hate having to reach down and blindly search for speed control, so having the controls close by is a big plus.

The vibrations on the bullet are strong and low. It’s a bit loud, so you definitely need to turn up the tunes when this one is in use. The nodules on the end provide its bit of uniqueness from other bullet vibrators. You can get creative and experiment with pressure and the angles that you press the textured bit of the bullet into yourself with.

The first time I used the Nubby BulletI knew it was destined to be a staple in my vibrator collection. I had a fantastic orgasm with the Nubby Bullet and kept going back for more. This is the vibrator I’ve given most as a gift, and everyone has appreciated it!

xx
Moxi

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Sassie

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I have this problem with my boyfriend. We have been together for over a year now, but last time he was here (I’m from Norway, he lives in the US), I was texting with one of my friends from his phone when a message popped up from one of his friends. I didn’t think anything of it so I looked at it, but on that text, she told him how much she missed him, and if he was coming back from “the bitch” soon. That got me curious, so I read some of the others. It turns out they have been texting about intimate stuff between them and about what a bitch/how horrible I am for months.

I really don’t know how to handle this because I really love him. And he doesn’t seem any different around me. He is as he always has been. So I’m wondering if he is just manipulating her, or if he means it. Either way, it’s unacceptable. Any idea how I can bring this up or what I should do?

A: I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that it is unacceptable. Regardless of his intentions, this is no way for anyone to behave. But I understand this must be very confusing for you. I will never understand why someone will put so much into a relationship, for example flying all the way from the US to Norway to see a person, just to talk shit about them behind their back. It really doesn’t make any sense. Another thing that I’m perturbed about is that he let you use his phone knowing that those messages were on there? He’s not even trying to cover his ass! Either he is just not very smart when it comes to cheating, or he wanted you to find out. Maybe he wasn’t man enough to break it off himself. I really don’t know.

If this other girl that was texting him truly was just a friend, he should be defending you when she called you a bitch. But you also said they were sharing intimate details, so do you think they are involved in a sexual relationship? I know long distance relationships can be hard, and cheating is probably more prevalent in them. I’m not saying this is an excuse for him, just saying it’s common unfortunately. He doesn’t seem any different around you because he is manipulating you. He wants the best of both worlds. He is probably manipulating this other girl in some way too, and is likely deliberately using his so-called “problems” with you to bond with her. She doesn’t seem to have much respect for herself in the first place if she is knowingly the “other woman”.

I know that you love him, but I only see a few options with this one. You could confront him, see what his side of the story is, and decide if that is acceptable enough for you to forgive him. But in my honest opinion, I really don’t see how there could be any acceptable reason for any of his actions. You don’t deserve to be treated that way. It’s hard to believe, but there are actually good guys out there that don’t cheat, and that will take care of you and worship the ground that you walk on. Why settle for this jerk? I say let him know that you found him out and end it. I wish you luck.

Sassie!

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

I am almost thirty. Thirty. Three- mother-fucking-zero. This age to me seems….crazy. Crazy like, “this could never happen to me” crazy. Think back. No matter what age you are, think back. When I was younger, I looked at thirty and I thought: married with children, steady job, steady paycheck, pets, house – I thought anything but what I have now. I thought that everything, EVERYTHING would be different.

The worst thing is that I watched it happen. I watched my best friends grow up. I saw every girl who was made fun of, every girl who was left behind, every girl who was too chubby, too silly, too crazy… I watched them all grow up, and eventually, I was left behind. I was always in their weddings and always, I was the one who never grew up. The girl voted “most likely to marry a frat boy” all four years of college was in the end, the one who no one wanted to marry.

And now, thirty. My friends have all been married for years, some with children, and all the while I feel so free and yet so alone…

I ran into an older man at a bar I frequent about a month ago.

“What do you do, “ he asked me, and I wondered if he really cared or if he was just hitting on me.

“Um…” I said, “Well, I went to school for archaeology, but I guess I’m a bartender… or a writer.”

“Well which is it?” he said.

“Honestly?” I replied, “Well, I like bartending. I love writing, and I love archaeology. I make money doing only one.”

“I loved playing the guitar,” he said, looking over at the cover band playing in the corner. “I never stuck with it, and I always wished I had. It just… got away from me, and now I feel it’s too late.” He looked so sad then, and I suddenly didn’t feel so old.

“You’re never too old to learn something,” I said. “Take Beck Weathers for example; the man learned to climb mountains when he was thirty years old- he wanted to make something of himself, and at thirty he changed the path of his whole life and he eventually climbed Everest—fucking Everest, the highest mountain in the world. And he started climbing at thirty,” I said, talking to the man but thinking about myself. The man looked at me with such wonder, and every time I see him now I am reminded of that, although every time I see him he is no closer to the guitar, and I am no closer to climbing anything besides into bed at night.

Looking at that, I am aware that things can seem so lost and yet, I am aware that I can still accomplish so much and that now, even at thirty, I shouldn’t be afraid to simply try.

I am almost thirty. I have always hated my body. Now, I am on week five of belonging to Rugged Crossfit, and I can honestly say that I am conscious of what goes into my body and what effort I put into making it look the way it does. I have always complained about the way I look, and I am suddenly acutely aware that if I want a change in my body I can only make it look the way I want through hard work. I am almost thirty, and I am sick of being unhappy with the way I look.

My heart for the past year has been selfishly locked away, kept only for someone who didn’t deserve it, and held only for someone who never knew me. I held onto something for a little while; something that for some reason festered in me like a disease, something that grew in me like mold until I could do nothing but crumble.

Now I look at that girl and I can’t help but laugh. She is so close but yet so far… if I reach my hand out, I can touch her; that scared girl still comparing herself to all those she left behind. If I reach my other hand out I see another girl; one who knows what she wants. One who is in control of her mind and her body. When I reach my other hand out I see a girl who is finally, finally… almost thirty.

[..]

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Kurosune

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I broke up with my fiancée this past February. It wasn’t has hard as it could be, which I guess speaks volumes about where the relationship actually was. The problem is now I’m having a lot of trouble meeting women. My location doesn’t help matters. I live in Prince Edward Island, Canada, which has a total population of less than 150,000. That’s right, an entire province with a population smaller than most cities. But it’s also a problem where I’m also pretty geeky. I love sci-fi, anime and games. I’ve tried online dating, but the fact that I’m writing this answers the question of how well that worked lol. I don’t drink, so I don’t go to bars. I guess my overall question would be: what other venues are there to meet women?

A: The first thing I noticed was that you said, “It wasn’t as hard as it could be.” Now, with that being said, are you sure you want to get back into a relationship so soon? Okay, yeah, Feb’s way past now, but dating often leads to something more serious and you should be sure you are ready to get into that, assuming that’s what you’re looking for. Relationships take work, and while I have no clue what the background is to what ended things with your fiancé, I would advise that you tread carefully, especially if you have a tendency to look for the “easy way out” of serious things. If you’re looking for a relationship, you had better be sure you’re ready for one. On the other hand, if you’re just looking for some bootay, that’s fine too, but be honest with yourself and those you meet.

That being said, speaking as a nerd myself, I will say we geeky gals aren’t an easy lay. I know I won’t let a guy anywhere NEAR my Pikachu panties unless he can recite all 151 original Pokémon – backwards – so I can understand how hard it is being a nerd in your neck of the woods. Do you travel often? There are some great conventions in Canada that could be a lot of fun and great for meeting like-minded people.

This is a link to a calendar of every large anime/gamer convention that happens in Canada. It’s definitely a great place to start if you are looking for love in all of nerdy places! I can vouch for the fact that there’s nothing more romantic than an unexpected moment when you happen to be nose-deep in your favorite manga or looking at some anime in the dealer’s room, only to reach for it and have your hand brush against that of a fellow con-goer who just happened to be reaching for the same manga/comic/video game as you. Your eyes meet, sparks fly…

Ah, l’amour.

So best of luck! There’s also lots of dating sites geared towards us geeks and anime lovers. Embrace your nerdiness, and find someone to embrace it with you.

Best of luck, friend. You can do it!

Kisses, Kurosune
XOX

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com