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Mar 2012 09

by Blogbot

Yes, Mistress: Exploring Sexual Rebellion And Power With Snow Mercy, Koko and Brad Warner…This Sunday (March 11) on SuicideGirls Radio we’ll have our whips and chains handy as we head down into our dungeon to explore BDSM. Professionally curious co-hosts, Nicole Powers (SG’s Managing Editor) and Darrah de jour (SG’s Red, White and Femme columnist and resident sensuality expert), will be joined by dominatrix Snow Mercy and submissive Koko Kitten. SG’s Hardcore Zen columnist Brad Warner will also be on hand to join in the spanking good fun and offer a spiritual perspective on this taboo topic. We’ll cover everything from rope-play to role-play, forced feminization to tease and withhold, and light-pain to something a little more hardcore.

Tune in to the world’s leading naked radio show for two hours of totally awesome tunes and extreme conversation – and don’t let yo momma listen in!

Listen to SG Radio live Sunday night from 10 PM til Midnight on suicidegirlsradio.indie1031.com/

Images: Nena Suicide in Fetish Kitty.

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Mar 2012 08

by Brad Warner

I follow Thich Nhat Hanh on Twitter. But, whereas I write my own Twitter posts, I doubt that Mr. Hanh sits in front of his Macbook and types his out for the world to see. My guess is that some minion of his scans his books for pithy statements that fit the Twitter mold and then uploads them. The Thichster probably never even sees them. I rarely see them either. But yesterday this one popped up:

“When you contemplate the big, full sunrise, the more mindful & concentrated you are, the more the beauty of the sunrise is revealed to you.”

So I Tweeted the following back at him:

“@thichnhathanh Sounds to me like mindfulness would get in the way of the sunrise.”

I’ve said here a few times how much I hate the word “mindfulness.” This quote seems to embody everything I don’t like about that word.

To be fair to Mr. Hanh, there are many ways to take this statement. There are a lot of things he might have meant by it. For example, he might have meant it as a sort of advertising for meditation. Yardley Aftershave Lotion might tell you, “You’ll get lots of chicks if you douse yourself with Yardley” as an incentive to get you to buy more Yardley Aftershave Lotion. Perhaps Mr. Hanh wants you to know that you’ll appreciate the sunrise lots more if you do meditation practice. Which is fine, I guess.

But there’s another way to take this statement. And I honestly believe it’s the way most people would take it. They’d look at it and say, “Gosh. I’m not mindful enough. I’m not concentrated enough. Because when I look at a sunrise, I just shade my eyes so that I can get through this traffic jam on West Market Street without running over any of the kids from Our Lady of the Elms. Sunrises kind of annoy me. They give me a headache. I better get more concentrated and more mindful so that I can be more like Thich Nhat Hanh and let the beauty of the sunrise be revealed to me.”

In other words, the concept of “mindfulness” gets in the way of the sunrise. It becomes a big obstacle between what we think of as our self and what we think of as the sunrise. And we make our efforts to try to overcome the obstacle we’ve placed in our own way. Most of the time I hear or read the word “mindfulness” it sounds to me like an obstacle.

Pretty much all of our religions and our various self-help practices are based on the idea that what we are right now is not good enough. We then envision what “good enough” must be like and we make efforts to transform what we are right now into this image of ourselves as “good enough.” We invent in our minds an imaginary “mindful me” and then try to make ourselves into that.

The problem with this kind of effort is right at its very root. We are setting up a habit of always judging ourselves as being not whatever it is we want to be. Whether you’re poor and want to be rich or whether you’re dull and want to be mindful, it’s pretty much the same thing. Of course we’d probably have a better world if more people were ambitious to be mindful than were ambitious to be rich. Probably. But maybe not. Because the effort to be something you’re not always seems to go wrong no matter what it is you want to be — even if you want to be super terrifically nice.

People who are working on fulfilling some image they have of a “nice person” are usually a pain in the ass. Their efforts to be like the “nice person” they’ve invented in their heads almost always get in the way of actually doing what needs to be done. Most of the time I’d rather be around someone who is honestly selfish than someone who is forever trying to be helpful. That kind of forced helpfulness is almost never helpful at all. It’s annoying. Sometimes it’s even harmful.

But those of us who realize that we actually aren’t as good as we could be have a real dilemma. What do you do when you recognize that you really are greedy, envious, jealous, angry, pessimistic and so on and on and on?

To me, it seems like the recognition of such things is itself good enough. It’s not necessary to envision a better you and try to remake yourself in that image. Just notice yourself being greedy and very simply stop being greedy. Not for all time in all cases. Just in whatever instance you discover yourself being greedy. If you’re greedy on Tuesday for more ice cream, don’t envision a better you somewhere down the line who is never greedy for more ice cream. Just forgo that last scoop of ice cream right now. See how much better you feel. This kind of action, when repeated enough, becomes a new habit. Problem solved.

As far as mindfulness and concentration are concerned, it works the same way. At the moment you notice yourself drifting off, come back. You might start drifting off again a nanosecond later. But that’s OK. When you notice it again, come back again. Repeat as necessary.

Trying to be more mindful and concentrated is just gonna put you right to where you were drifting away from the sunrise in the first place.

***

Brad Warner is the author of Sex, Sin and Zen: A Buddhist Exploration of Sex from Celibacy to Polyamory and Everything in Between as well as Hardcore Zen, Sit Down and Shut Up! and Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff that you can click here to see.

Brad Warner will be speaking in Los Angeles soon.

March 10, 2012
10 AM – 3:30 PM
Hill Street Center
237 Hill St.
Santa Monica, CA 90405

March 15, 2012
7:30 PM – 9:00 PM
Against the Stream
4300 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90029

You can also buy T-shirts and hoodies based on his books, and the new CD by his band Zero Defex now!

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Mar 2012 05

by Jen Friel

Hi friends,

We haven’t met yet, but I’d like to introduce myself…I’m @JenFriel. I am a lifecaster and corporate sponsored minimalist that went out on over 103 dates in 9 months while I was couch surfing for a year building my website (TalkNerdyToMeLover.com) and bartering social media to live. I’m an accidental expert in dating, and am here to share with you some tips and tricks that I learned during the course of my ongoing OKCupid project.

What is OKCupid, you may ask? Well, it’s only the nerdiest of nerdy dating websites! They use math to get you dates, and created an algorithm for compatibility that I can attest is pretty darn accurate!

Algorithms aside though, the one thing that I have noticed is that guys don’t understand how to actually set up a profile. I mean, they get the very basics – but they don’t understand what a female is looking for in a profile, or WHY some profiles work over others. This is where I would like to help. Here, pull up a chair…

1. Choose your username wisely.

I can’t begin to tell you how important choosing a username is – it’s one of the FIRST things a chick will notice.

A good username will consist of something that reflects your personality, and shows off who you are (while still remaining anonymous if that’s your cup of tea). Example: JohnLuvsGiants

A username such as that might tell me that one, your name is John, and two that you either love the football team The Giants, or you have a Paul Bunyan fetish. Either is kosher for Passover, but does tell me a bit about who you are.

A less than desirable username is anything that includes and of the following words: crazy, horny, mofo, bad, 69, fyckr, humpyoulikedogandyoulllikeit.

Chicks notice this, man – be true to you, and keep it real.

2. Answer the questions

I know that that sounds weird and straight forward since that is what the site is about – but I can’t begin to tell you how many guys have said to me, “I just wanted to wait for the date before getting to know the person.” The problem with that statement is the fact that you are NEVER going to get to know the girl, because she won’t reply back to your message because you had a 0% compatibility because you didn’t answer any friggen questions! Yes, dating has an ebb and flow, and yes, first dates are about discovery – however, to get that first date you have to get her attention. How are you going to do that? Be the guy that answers questions and show her how compatible you are by commenting on one single detail from her profile, and asking her to elaborate on it in the email.

3. Select a default that is a clear shot of a face with you genuinely smiling, and then have the rest of the pictures in your profile tell the story of your life.

I can’t begin to tell you how many guys mess this part up. They put a picture of themselves at a bbq with a sunglasses and hat on. I even had one friend have himself in a field with flags as his default picture. When I inquired as to why he selected that for his default his response was, chicks love flags!

*facepalm*

Dude, chicks don’t like flags. A chick wants to see your FACE!!! A clear shot, with a genuine “this is me actually being happy and not forced” smile. Let the female judge your attractiveness; it is your job in the default to be as neutral as possible.

Then, in all of the additional photos uploaded to the album (up to 10), you tell the story of your life. Like hiking? Show off some pics of you on various trails. Have you gone skydiving? Or like something equally cool and rad? Show it off!!! Post those pics, be you – have fun with it, tell the female your story.

4. Keep your profile brief and to the point.

I heart twitter. The microblogging site has conditioned me to get CRAZY good at finding ways to say things in as short of characters as possible. Do this with your profile!! Spit it out, get it out, but keep it brief. No one wants to be reading a novel when it comes to a dating profile. Keep things light and funny, while showcasing your personality. (Unless of course you are a horribly boring human being that enjoys watching paint dry and counting the holes in your ceiling; in that case, maybe online dating isn’t for you.)

Best of luck out there guys, and if you have any questions please hit me up on twitter: @JenFriel. I’d love to hear from you! xoxo

***

Like what you’ve read? You can also join Jen and her friends in the Talk Nerdy To Me, Lover live stage show called the Dirty Truth About Nerdy Girls on March 23 at 9:30 PM at The Little Modern Theater in Hollywood, CA. For more info visit TalkNerdyToMeLover.com/stage-show/

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Mar 2012 05

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Yesenia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Yesenia in The Watering Hole]

Q: Me and my ex-boyfriend have a lot of drama going on still. We ended our relationship about three months ago, however, after we broke up we have been seeing each other almost every day. We have sex and still act like a couple around each other. I even made a trip with him and his family over the Christmas holiday.

I thought this would clear up everything, but clearly we are still broken up. He is even dating someone else who has no idea that I spent the holidays with him and his family.

What should I do? Should I tell the chick we are still dating, or should I just keep it to myself? I love this boy, and would really like to get back with him.

Please help.

A: I would talk to him about it. Talking to the girl isn’t going to do any good. He is the one essentially dating two girls, and he is the one you want to be with. He is therefore the one you should talk to.

Be honest about your feelings for him and that you want a relationship again. Since you are not committed to each other at this time, you are both allowed to see other people. If that is not something that you are okay with, I would be open about those feelings. Think about what you expect out of your time together and try to have a “bird’s eye view” of the situation.

Ultimately though, if he’s not willing to return to an exclusive situation, and that’s what you want, you must be prepared to walk away – completely this time – since clearly this current situation is not making you happy and is therefore not a healthy one for you.

Good luck!

Yesenia
xx

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Mar 2012 01

by Laurelin

People always think that as a bartender I must be always surrounded by men. Flirting with the bartender is just what people do, it’s true. I’m going to be honest though — besides the occasional coworker, in my years behind the bar I have never once met and wound up hooking up with or dating a guy I’ve met while working. I am friendly, but I am not one of those girls who bats her eyelashes for tips. I would rather impress you with my knowledge of beer selection than with my boobs (although I do have a pretty perky rack).

That being said, let’s move on to something a little on the girly side: hair. I have spent the majority of my life as a faux ginger. My hair is naturally mousy brown, and in high school (without my parents permission of course) I started dying it auburn. With the exception of a few years of rebellion with crazy haircuts and experimenting with pinks, blues, and purples, I have always had long, red hair. I woke up one morning about a month ago with a new idea in my head. Blonde. I wonder…Not an hour later I found myself in a salon chair covered in foils, and an hour after that, I was a different person. I looked in the mirror and couldn’t believe it. Could I touch it? Is this me?

I didn’t think anyone would care, but as the days went by I started to notice a serious difference in the way men talked to me. People held doors, bought me drinks, smiled more. Is this for real? Maybe it was in the way I held myself; I had just received two promotions at both my jobs and I admit to having a bit more pep in my step as of late. Either way, people always say blondes have more fun, and I’m starting to think they weren’t kidding. My bar shifts end in multiple phone numbers written on napkins and bar receipts. Guys hang around a little past closing and ask what I’m doing after work, I need to shove them out the door and try not to laugh. People whistle in the streets and I’m wondering, was I invisible as a red head? Seriously?

The other night at a charity event I met this guy who on paper, seemed perfect. We chatted, I wasn’t exactly interested but I wasn’t not interested. He wound up having too much to drink and in ordering us a round of beers he made a snide comment, purposely insulting the bartender. I was horrified, but I thanked him for the chat and went to find my friends. I could feel his eyes on me for the rest of the night, and I wished I had anywhere else to be.

One week later, I’d just started a shift at work. Before I can even take off my coat, I look up and there he is, the guy from the charity event. My cheeks burn and I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out.

“Do you remember me?” he asks.

“Yes…” I say.

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he says. “I can’t believe I didn’t get your number. Please, go out with me.” I look around, wondering if anyone else is hearing this. The coat I have taken only halfway off suddenly feels like a million pounds of wool, and I start sweating.

“Um, I’m flattered, but I’m kind of seeing someone…” I manage to stammer.

“I don’t care,” he says. “One coffee date.” Whelp, that’s it for me. The scent of desperation on anyone makes bile rise in my throat but at the same time I feel so bad for this guy that I can barely stand it.

“You should go,” I say. He doesn’t go, he stares at me, and as the other bartender walks up I hold my hand up in a half wave, and he finally gets it. He leaves, and I start my shift shaking.

Fucking blonde hair, seriously. I’m in trouble.

[..]

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Feb 2012 27

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Dalila

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Dalila in Psycho Holidays]

Q. I am in a relationship with a woman whom I love dearly and generally we are very happy. My only complaint is that she has a secret social life. For instance, she doesn’t work on Tuesday, but she will be gone all day and come home after I get home. If I ask what she’s doing, she says I am out of line, even if I am just trying to make conversation. She has a group of friends that she does happy hour with and I am not allowed to meet them and I know nothing about them – not even their names. Asking about them has caused a couple of fights so I have let it go. I am also not allowed to know where they meet for happy hour.

Normally I just get a text after work that says, “Going out be home late.” She has other friends that I am allowed to join for happy hour. I know these friends well and get invited, or rather told I am going to those happy hours. In contrast, when I go out I always invite her and she almost always comes with me. If she doesn’t, I am okay with that, and she always asks me about who I was with, if we had a good time, what we talked about, and so on.

These are the same questions that make her very upset when I have asked them. I am not concerned that she might be cheating on me. I trust her. What really bothers me is that she feels like she needs to keep secrets from me. I really do not have any secrets and, except when she asks about my time in Iraq, I will tell her anything. I think people that keep secrets have something to hide. What do you think?

A: I don’t think that a person who keeps secrets necessarily has something to hide. People can decide to tell or not to tell, and sometimes they choose not to because they simply prefer to keep stuff to themselves. And there’s no clear evidence of seediness here.

Just think: what happened last time you had a relationship and you and your significant other had common friends? Usually, when couples split, friends are split too. There are the ones who stay with the girl, others who stick with the boy: but the original gang is often, sadly, no more. Your girlfriend might have experienced this kind of thing before, and, as a result, prefers to keep her closest slice of friends strictly to herself. Then again, she lets you join her and other mates, so perhaps she just wants to be herself with one particular set of friends. Maybe she wants to vent a bit in a safe space, with friends she really trusts. I’m sure there are things you’d prefer not to tell your parents, or you workmates, or your mates, even your girlfriend. Think about those. You wouldn’t go for sex advice to your grandma, would you?

It’s also true that sharing every single moment of the day brings most relationships to an end, so you should cherish the fact that your girlfriend is not the super sticky type. It’s actually a healthy sign that she has her own friends and interests; you’ve gotten yourself a woman, congrats! And a little mystery can be a good thing. Not sharing every little, tiny, weenie thingy is the best way to keep your companion awake and interested. Don’t sweat, it’s a good sign!

Cheers,

Dalila

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Feb 2012 24

by Brad Warner

A guy called Mister C asked the following question via Twitter: “Doesn’t Buddhism count homosexuals as sexual deviants?” I’ve already addressed this issue at length in my most recent book Sex, Sin, and Zen: A Buddhist Exploration of Sex from Celibacy to Polyamory and Everything in Between and even right here on SuicideGirls. But I’ll address it again, because clearly there is a need to since the idea persists that Buddhism believes gays are deviants.

There is no Buddhist Bible somewhere out there in which it is written that a man shall not lie with another man as with a woman or anything like that. That’s the short answer. And now the long one.

The main reason so many people believe that Buddhists consider homosexuality to be deviant is because of statements made by the 14th Dalai Lama. In 1997 in an interview with Dennis Conkin of the Bay Area Reporter, the Dalai Lama is reported to have said, “Buddhist sexual proscriptions ban homosexual activity and heterosexual sex through orifices other than the vagina, including masturbation or other sexual activity with the hand. From a Buddhist point of view, lesbian and gay sex is generally considered sexual misconduct.”

One thing that needs to be clarified right from the outset is that the Dalai Lama is not the Pope of Buddhism whose decries form the official position that Buddhists everywhere must follow. He is, in fact, merely the head of one particular sect of Tibetan Buddhism, the Gelungpa lineage. So he’s not even the Pope of Tibetan Buddhism, let alone all of Buddhism. Other Buddhist lineages like Zen, Theravada, Pure Land, Nichiren and so on don’t recognize him as their spokesman or leader. I, personally, rarely pay him much attention.

I’m guessing that the “Buddhist sexual proscriptions” he refers to are the ancient rules for monks (both male and female). The first Buddhist monastic order was expected to practice celibacy. Apparently some of Buddha’s monks thought this meant only that men were forbidden to have sex with women. They figured it was permissible for men to have sex with each other and that hot girl-on-girl action was also fine and dandy. So Buddha had to educate them by specifying that “no sex” meant no sex at all by clearly stipulating homosexual acts as also being no-no’s for monks.

But that was meant only for monks. As far as laypeople were concerned there were only four types of sexual acts that were specified as wrong. In an ancient sutra about Right Action the Buddha is quoted as saying that a Buddhist, “avoids unlawful sexual intercourse, abstains from it. He has no intercourse with girls who are still under the protection of father or mother, brother, sister, or relative; nor with married women, nor female convicts; nor lastly with betrothed girls.” Although this statement is made from the male perspective, it is understood the same applies to Buddhist laywomen.

As for lesbian and gay sex being “generally considered sexual misconduct” by Buddhists, that really depends on who you ask. For example, the San Francisco Zen Center, one of America’s largest contemporary Buddhist organizations, is extremely gay friendly. They run a lot of workshops and retreats specifically geared toward the LGBT community. Many other Buddhist communities both in the West and in Asia are similarly open-minded.

There are ancient scriptures that do specify certain acts we consider to be homosexual as being misconduct for monks. And I think this is what the Dalai Lama was referring to.

But when looking back at ancient scriptures, one has to be careful not to read contemporary definitions into them. The word “homosexual” is of very recent origin. Its first known appearance in print occurred in 1869. It wasn’t clearly defined until about a decade later. See here for further details. The Indian, Chinese, Japanese and even Tibetan Buddhists of pre-modern times had no concept of homosexuals or homosexuality as we understand those terms today. Neither did Biblical era Jews or Christians for that matter. But we’ll leave that aside.

For Buddhists, sexual behavior was not really an issue in and of itself. It only became an issue when it interfered with Buddhist practice. Thus, monks both male and female were forbidden to have sex not because sex was considered evil or wrong, but because it interfered with the single-minded pursuit of Buddhist meditation to which they had committed their lives. They were also forbidden to eat after noon, to sleep in luxurious beds, to listen to music, to go dancing and so on for the same reason.

These days the rules are usually far less strict. In Japan, monks are even allowed to get married. The more severe rules are observed during training periods and then dropped when monks leave to go to their own temples. When it comes to lay people there really are no rules at all.

However, there is a set of precepts that all Buddhists adhere to across the board. And the third of these is generally given as, “Do not misuse sexuality.” But there are many interpretations as to what constitutes misuse of sexuality. It is generally left up to the individual to determine for himself or herself what is and what is not a misuse of sexuality. Even the Dalai Lama seems to agree with this. In a 1994 interview with OUT magazine he is quoted as saying, “If someone comes to me and asks whether homosexuality is okay or not, I will ask ‘What is your companion’s opinion?’. If you both agree, then I think I would say ‘if two males or two females voluntarily agree to have mutual satisfaction without further implication of harming others, then it is okay.'”

When Buddhists live communally it is sometimes necessary to agree on a specific definition of sexual misconduct. Some Buddhist communities opt for strict celibacy. Others do not. The San Francisco Zen Center, for example, encourages its residents to engage only in committed monogamous sexual relationships. You can get kicked out of their residential communities for violating this rule. But you won’t get kicked out for being gay. That’s for certain. Though you might get the boot for being too slutty in your gay-ness.

So, no, Mister C, Buddhism does not count homosexuals as sexual deviants. Though certain prominent Buddhists, like the 14th Dalai Lama, do.

***

Brad Warner is the author of Sex, Sin and Zen: A Buddhist Exploration of Sex from Celibacy to Polyamory and Everything in Between as well as Hardcore Zen, Sit Down and Shut Up! and Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff that you can click here to see.

Brad Warner will be speaking in Los Angeles soon.

March 10, 2012
10 AM – 3:30 PM
Hill Street Center
237 Hill St.
Santa Monica, CA 90405

March 15, 2012
7:30 PM – 9:00 PM
Against the Stream
4300 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90029

You can also buy T-shirts and hoodies based on his books, and the new CD by his band Zero Defex now!

[..]