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Jan 2012 16

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Salome

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Salome in Pop Art Clash ]

Q: About two years ago my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. Looking back, I realize that it wasn’t really a sudden breakup but a long-drawn out one (the last time I was at her apartment, about a month before she ended it, the sex was un-enthusiastic and she didn’t really initiate any cuddling). For about 3 months after the breakup I was in a pretty dark place, made worse by the fact that she didn’t want anything to do with me – odd because it wasn’t a bad breakup, just tough.

Fast-forward to now and I’ve moved on. I haven’t had a girlfriend since, but in the last couple of months I’ve been seeing a couple of girls on a casual basis (no commitment on either end, and there hasn’t been any physical contact other than hugs). However, I still feel like I’m not completely over her. She makes appearances in my dreams and I usually wake up wanting to bang my head on the wall. I feel like the only way I can get her out of my head is to tell her what happened since the breakup face-to-face. And I certainly don’t want this to be a problem with any of the girls I’ve been seeing lately. The problem is I’m afraid I’ll touch a nerve and push her away forever. So my two-part question is:

  • 1. Is it a good idea to contact her after all this time?
  • 2. How do I get in contact with her without coming off as a creep or a desperate, lovesick puppy?

Thanks.

A: I am really sorry to hear about your breakup. It sounds like she was an incredibly important person to you and the breakup affected you really badly. That kind of heartbreak is terrible for anyone to go through, and you have my sympathy for that.

However, I think that the solution to your problem does not involve contacting her. In fact, not only do I think you should eschew contacting her, but I think you should proceed with your life as if she has fallen off the planet forever and ever. Much like she did after you broke up, actually, and in a minute I’ll get to why that was a very good thing.

It sounds to me like a part of you has never given up hope that you’ll get back together. Maybe you don’t even realize this is what you ache for, and that’s why she stalks your dreams. You may think you want to get in touch with her to get some closure, or so that you can be “friends,” but it really seems like you just long to hear from her again, period. Honestly, why would she care what you’ve been up to since the breakup? What purpose would telling her this serve?

It’s been two years, and you haven’t done anything more than hug another girl! You can’t live in this purgatory anymore. You HAVE to let go of her. You need to tell yourself that you will never see her again, never hear from her again, and that you must reconstruct your life wholly and completely without her in it. And then you need to do exactly that. Contacting her would simply reopen the wounds that have never fully closed, and dreaming of what you would say to her when you see her again is what’s keeping them open. Let her go. Delete her from Facebook and Twitter, move all your pictures of her to an external hard drive then bury it in the back of a closet. She moved to Mars and there’s no wi-fi there.

You never made a clean break from her and this is why you have been unable to move on. This is why she “wanted nothing to do with you” after you broke up. She needed space to figure out how to live her life as an independent and healthy person, and she couldn’t do that with you, or reminders of you, or daily texts from you around to prevent that, especially if you still wanted her back. It wasn’t “odd” – it was exactly the right thing to do.

I’m not saying you can’t ever be friends in the future. Maybe you can. But in order for that to happen you have to become a strong, healthy, whole person in your own right again, and that includes not clinging to the hope that you might somehow work her back into your life. You need to do this for yourself and for your future relationships. Two years is a long time and it will probably be hard to undo these destructive ways of thinking on your own. I strongly recommended finding a therapist who can help you imagine a fulfilling life without your ex.

I understand how scary it can be to imagine life without someone you loved so much. My wife left five months ago and some days it feels like my heart will never be whole again. But it will, and yours will too. You just have to let it.

Good luck.

Salome

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Jan 2012 13

by Yashar Ali

At a holiday party this year, I noticed an R. Kelly song playing on my friend’s iPod. I looked at two of my (male) friends who were standing nearby and asked, “You guys are listening to R. Kelly?”

One of them responded, “Yeah, so what?”

“He seduced under-age girls and I’ve seen the video of him peeing on one of them. Remember when he (illegally) married Aaliyah (R&B singer who is now deceased) when she was 15 and he was 30?”

“I separate the music from the person,” the same friend said.

“Oh god–I’m sure you listen to Chris Brown too,” I said with frustration in my voice.

My other friend chimed in and confirmed, defiantly, “Yeah! I do.”

Here is a reminder: in 2009, singer and dancer Chris Brown was charged and convicted for beating, biting, and choking his girlfriend, singer Rihanna, while they were in a car in Los Angeles. With respect to R. Kelly, in 2002 he was indicted on multiple counts of possessing and filming child pornography, and through years of legal maneuvering, was able to have the charges dropped when the then 14 year-old girl refused to testify against him. She, in fact, told people that it was consensual. He was able to avoid jail by making multiple cash settlements, including one to the girl in the video.

Of course, Chris Brown and R. Kelly aren’t the only examples of male artists who abuse women. We need to look no further than Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson as examples of men who still get chances despite their abuse of women.

How many people tagged their tweets with “#winning” during Charlie Sheen’s summer meltdown? How obsessively was his narcissistic tour cheered and celebrated by both men and women? Ignoring the fact that over years and years, Charlie Sheen has been accused and imprisoned for terrorizing the women in his life, I take no great pleasure in saying that his punishments would have been more severe had some of his accusers not been sex workers.

Mel Gibson readily admits, on tape, to beating his girlfriend Oksana and he has yet to be driven out of the film business. Major movie studios, like Warner Brothers, still want to be in business with him.

This idea of separating the artistry from the person is perfectly plausible if the artist, when guilty of making mistakes, is truly repentant. And it’s also plausible when these mistakes do not cause physical harm on other people.

But, I (and all of us), must draw the line at supporting and enriching men who are pedophiles, in Kelly’s case, and virtually unrepentant domestic abusers in the case of Brown, Sheen, and Gibson. There is a difference between an artist who makes mistakes and an artist who abuses women (or men) and lacks any sense of remorse.

Both of my friends at that party are two of the biggest supporters of my writing about women. In fact, they have read almost all of my work and have been helpful to me beyond what a good friendship calls for. They are also both close to their respective mothers – they are really good men, which is why I have shared this experience with you. It would be much easier to dismiss their feelings if they didn’t treat the women in their life with respect, if they weren’t fundamentally good people.

For me, this is ultimately about one question: how can men and women stand by and separate what happened to women like Rihanna, from the women in our own lives? We shouldn’t. In our culture, we tend to compartmentalize the trauma others face as a coping mechanism of sorts. It’s a way to shield ourselves from their pain, and also a way to avoid having to help or being held accountable for not helping.

Separating the artist from the music is a convenient way to avoid looking at Chris Brown’s abuse of Rihanna, but the only way to deal with an injustice is avoid this separation, to absorb and understand the pain. That’s the way in which we have always solved or worked to solve injustices: to understand and acknowledge the inter-connectivity.

For purposes of this column, I’m going to focus on Chris Brown, who has come out virtually unscathed from his domestic abuse charges. He is back in action, with a hit album, a tour, and recently as a recipient of three Grammy nominations. His passionate fan base, mostly made up of young girls, is stronger than ever.

I’m a big believer in second, third, fourth chances. I believe most people are fundamentally good and also fundamentally flawed. But I’ll readily admit that when it comes to domestic violence, I find it difficult to forget and move on.

Why?

We now know that the 2009 instance in the car wasn’t the first time Chris Brown had assaulted Rihanna. There is rarely a case of a man hitting a woman just once. Ultimately, domestic violence is not just about the physical assault, but the consistent manipulation, emotional abuse, imposition of fear in the victim. It’s about terrorizing their entire life.

Still, despite every privilege and opportunity, Chris Brown, in my mind, has blown his second chance – for those folks who were interested in giving him one.

Chris Brown could have led a revolution in the way in which we see, treat, and handle domestic violence in our country and served as a beacon of hope for the millions of women and girls who worship him and face abuse. More importantly, he could have spoken directly to the millions of men, who like him, were born into an endless cycle of abuse, witnessing their mothers getting abused and then abusing women themselves.

After he beat, choked, and bit Rihanna, in early 2009, he took an entire week to release a proper statement of apology. A couple of weeks after the incident, he reunited with Rihanna in Miami, and flexed his biceps for the paparazzi while riding a wave runner. A disgusting pose given that those same biceps allowed him to bludgeon Rihanna’s face.

He later went on to fulfill his debt to the court system in Los Angeles County, and since, has done nothing of note to deal with or combat domestic violence. In fact, he has done what millions of men and women do every day in our country, he has demanded to have the issue of domestic violence swept under the rug.

That is why he doesn’t deserve our attention or business.

Chris Brown has moved on – on his own terms, on a shockingly narcissistic level. His behavior is that of an unrepentant man.

In 2010, Chris Brown was on Good Morning America to promote his latest album. When questioned by Robin Roberts about the 2009 incident, he answered coldly: “It’s not a big deal to me now, that situation…I’m past that in my life, today is the album day, so everyone go out and get that album.”

That’s nice. I’m so glad that beating the face of the woman whom you claimed to love is not a big deal anymore to YOU.

Brown later went on to trash his dressing room at the show, breaking a window, after Robin Roberts asked him that one question about the Rihanna situation.

One the same day, he posted this tweet (which was later deleted) on his Twitter account: “I’m so over people bring this past s**t up!!..”

He’s sick of people bringing the past up? Instead of using every moment as a teachable one, instead of addressing the past and confronting his demons, he attacked those who questioned him.

Chris Brown has been enriched not just by men like my friends, but by a legion of young women and girls who follow his every move. What kind of message is he sending to them when he continually mishandles the Rihanna incident(s)? What kind of message are we sending to these same young girls when we repeatedly support him? Hit a woman and you can still be a millionaire superstar?

Apparently and problematically, there is: Boston Public Health Commission conducted a survey of 200 teenagers and found that 46 percent saw Rihanna as responsible for what happened; 52 percent said both bore responsibility, despite knowing that Rihanna’s injuries required hospital treatment. Startling numbers.

I don’t want to give the impression that only men should be held accountable for listening to and supporting artists like Chris Brown. As I’ve mentioned, women and young girls are a big part of his fan base and in supporting him, women are inadvertently fueling the success of a man who disrespects them and helping further erase domestic violence from being a major and visible issue.

The overall statistics on domestic violence are astonishing (and keep in mind these are reported numbers only, many girls and women don’t report or discuss the abuse they have sustained): nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup. Worldwide, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused during her lifetime.

Of course we continue to hear Chris Brown’s songs, because radio programmers (which, surprise, surprise, are dominated by men) allow these songs to remain on the radio, thus adding to the collective popularity. But programmers are also just doing what we want – they wouldn’t be airing songs we don’t want to hear.

This idea that we shouldn’t support men who do bad things to women becomes increasingly inconvenient for our entertainment consumption with the increase in exposure of bad behavior thanks to the internet. The days of abuse and related activities remaining behind closed doors are virtually over. There is power in using our collective ability to consume media, music, entertainment as a tool and a weapon. And by voting with our dollars and eyes away from Chris Brown and artists who abuse women, we can shift the dynamics of how we, as a society, deal with domestic abuse.

But I’m not immune to this inconvenience…

Sometimes I find myself running across a Chris Brown or R. Kelly song on the car radio when I’m driving (I can’t say the same of Charlie Sheen or Mel Gibson). For a split second, I want to keep the song on…for some reason, it’s just the perfect beat at the perfect time on my drive.

But, unlike my friends, I can’t separate the music from the men, because the image of Rihanna’s bloody and beaten face comes across my mind and the video I’ve seen of R. Kelly urinating on an underage girl is seared into my brain.

And as good as their music sounds, when I think of those images, I think of the women in my life who have loved me and made me who I am. How would I feel if my women friends and colleagues were hurt by men like R. Kelly and Chris Brown, who weren’t repentant in any real way?

I wouldn’t stand for it.

And neither would my two friends at that holiday party. Like me, they love and respect the women in their life.

Listening to or buying Chris Brown’s music or cheering on Charlie Sheen may seem like an innocuous act. It’s just a song or a TV show, right? But when we support these men in any way, even if it’s just listening to the radio, we are adding to the collective attention heaped on the artist. We are adding strength to the ripple effect that allows artists like Chris Brown to succeed and become even more successful.

I hope something changes, because until good men like my friends, refuse to support bad men who harm women, until they see that the harm done to one woman, is harm done to every woman…

Nothing is gonna change.

***

Yashar Ali is a Los Angeles-based columnist, commentator, and political veteran whose writings about women, gender inequality, political heroism, and society are showcased on his website, The Current Conscience. Please follow him on Twitter and join him on Facebook.

He will be soon releasing our first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.

Related Posts:
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When Everything Is On His Terms
Now…Give Your Uncle A Kiss
The Modern Day Version of “Just The Tip”
Men Who E-Maintain Women
He Doesn’t Deserve Your Validation: Putting The Fake Orgasm Out of Business
A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy
Why Don’t We Have More Women in Public Office? Look at Who’s Running the Campaigns

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Jan 2012 12

by Laurelin

It’s a weird thing, a girl’s heart. I like to think that no matter what my brain says, I can always make the right choice if I use both organs. Speak with your brain, think with your heart. As much as I wanted to open my mouth and protest as the last two important guys in my life let me go, I didn’t, because my heart told my brain that what they were doing was right, that we weren’t right, and it was time to be on my own again. I trust that my heart will always guide me, even if it sometimes gets lost. And I trust that even when I have to hurt someone else, I am only doing what’s right for me, and that’s what’s most important.

It was this situation I found myself in recently, and I still can’t help but feel so guilty for actually not feeling anything at all. I’m not sure when I arrived at the decision that I wasn’t exactly over my ex, but somewhere along the lines he crept back into my mind and there is nothing worse than a girl who can’t think straight who’s become involved with someone else. My “someone else” was another bartender, a fit and cocky guy who fit my unfortunate type perfectly. We had gone out a few times and what I thought was going to be something slow and fun quickly took a turn — this guy seemed to want to get serious almost immediately. I froze, unable to see his smiling face through the red flags that suddenly clouded my vision.

My brain started going a mile a minute. Was I scared to commit? If I didn’t want to be in relationship with this guy, why were we dating in the first place? Am I not ready to date? Or did I just know in my heart that he wasn’t the one for me? Was I just using these recent thoughts about my ex as a crutch to not have to feel anything for anyone right now? I was feeling overwhelmed and guilty almost immediately, even though I guess the point of dating is to get to know someone. If it wasn’t working out for me, all I had to do was end it. All I could do was tell the truth.

They weren’t kidding when they say the truth hurts. I kept faltering, stuttering, unable to find the words to say what I was feeling, unable to make this guy really understand why I couldn’t see him anymore. It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done, and it did not go well. All I kept thinking was that at least I was being honest, but it’s never easy to hurt someone, even if you have only just started seeing them. I wasn’t ready for this, I had to clear my own head and heart before I was willing to let someone else into either of them.

The amount of relief I felt when it was finally over was so great that I could have jumped for joy, and at the same time I could have burst into tears. Knowing that someone out there was so hurt and angry with me was like a punch in the gut. I’m so used to being the one who gets hurt that I forgot what it was like to do the hurting; it isn’t any easier.

So now I’m back to just me; my usual lingering unwelcome thoughts about the ex, back to sleeping with the cat and brewing only one cup of coffee in the morning. I kind of like it; my choice to be alone rather than be with someone who wasn’t right for me just for the sake of being with someone. I always did sleep better alone, and it’s a sound sleep, knowing that my heart and brain were on the same page and for once, did the right thing.

[..]

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Jan 2012 03

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Yulia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Yulia in Don’t Panic]

Q: I’ve never really ever written to one of these before but…yea…I’ve been single for the last eight months, since my ex dumped me (I later found out the she was cheating on me). Ever since I’ve been living the single life, which is a life that i absolutely hate. Despite looking, I have been unable to find a girlfriend, and it’s becoming increasingly more frustrating.

Lately I’ve become extremely attracted, both physically and intellectually, to a girl in one of my college classes. When I asked her out she told me that she wasn’t going to date during college and I retreated with my metaphorical tail tucked between my legs at yet another rejection. Several weeks later her and I spent an hour and half just looking at pictures on her laptop after class, and a friend informed me that they think this girl actually is into me. So if that’s the case, why would she turn me down?

I mean I’ve heard that women find confidence sexy, but when all someone has know are liars, cheaters, and rejection, how am I supposed to be able to have any confidence? I’ve had two very serious girlfriends both cheat on me, and it’s just made me angry and bitter. Is it something about me that drives these girls to other men? Are they just cold heartless bitches?

I’m just so sick of being single, and being lonely, and I could really use some answers.

Thanks.

A: I always feel for people who have difficulty enjoying being single. I strongly advocate single time as freedom time, meaning you have the freedom to do what you enjoy 100% of the time. I hope you find ways to take advantage of this. This might not be what you want to hear, but I think you should consciously spend a bit more time living the single life, but from now on focusing on enjoying your life for what it is and using your free time for you.

Why not join a sports team, take up a new hobby, or volunteer for a project at work? Not only will you be busier and have less time to dwell on past relationships or your single status, but hopefully your confidence will grow as your life does. When you meet your next girlfriend or even your next date, you will be happy with yourself and full of confidence.

As for the girl at college, unless you get to know her better, you’ll never know her reasons for turning down the date. She may indeed find you attractive, but if she feels strongly about not dating during school and has a busy life already, those reasons may be more important to her than her attraction to you or any other potential date. Do keep in mind this is likely not personal if she’s focusing on her education above all else or not dating for other reasons.

Also remember that you are also still in college, with plenty going on already in your life. Being in a relationship is great, but you have a long life ahead of you and if you’re not in one right now, who’s to say you won’t be by the time you graduate or shortly thereafter? I know some people meet their long-term partners in college or even high school, but most don’t. Try to stop focusing on having a girlfriend and just enjoy dating and meeting new people.

Yulia

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Dec 2011 31

by Blogbot


[Olga in Party Girl]

SuicideGirls’ team of Bloggers and Agony Aunts share their suggestions on how you can give 2012 a kick-ass kick start.

1. There’s someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time. Too long. You fear by now you’ve procrastinated so long that it’s lame to reach out, so you’ve effectively paralyzed a valuable friendship that could easily re-blossom with a single call. You’re not paralyzed, it’s just a head trip. Guilt is useless. Make that call. Say Hi. Apologize. Laugh. Love. Life’s too short. Do it right now. “Happy New Year! I suck” is a great way to start a conversation! – Steve Altman

2. Cut off deadwood! Start by defriending, hiding or blocking the toxic individuals from your Facebook and Twitter feeds. – Dalila Suicide

3. Spend time with people that make you feel taller, brighter, and more capable than you did before. – Darrah de jour

4. Try dating someone you wouldn’t ordinarily date. Like, say, maybe an introverted writer-type that contributes to your favorite alt-beauty blog. Or an evangelical Christian. Those are your only two choices though: the writer or the evangelical. Choose wisely. – Matt Dunbar

5. Spend some time with a niece, nephew or cousin who are growing up and could use your advice. – Atlea Suicide

6. Talk to someone from your Facebook list face-to-face. – CoyoteMike

7. Come to terms with the fact that you mom has a Facebook. – Shotgun Suicide

8. Eating vegetarian style meals reduces the green house gas production. Try to incorporate this in to your lifestyle one day a week. It’s good for you and the earth. – Aadie Suicide

9. Eat lots and lots of cupcakes!!!! What? They’re epic and always put a smile on my face! – Kraven Suicide

10. Unfuck your habitat! There’s nothing like vastly improving your quality of life by having a clean, organized living space. Need tips and/or motivation? Visit unfuckyourhabitat.tumblr.com/, because “no matter what our situations are, we deserve better than to live in filth.” – Perdita Suicide

11. Clean your car and your house through and through. – Atlea Suicide

12. Rearrange a room to get a fresh perspective on life. – Rambo Suicide

13. Go through all your clothes and decide if someone could make better use of some of them. Drop the excess baggage off at a shelter or contributing organization in your area. – Atlea Suicide

14. Donate those holiday presents that you don’t like. – Shotgun Suicide

15. Shop local whenever possible. – Salome Suicide

16. Eat at your favorite mom & pop restaurant, before it goes bankrupt too. – Shotgun Suicide

17. Set up a computer backup plan. Be ready for World Backup Day. – Bob Suicide

18. Start and finish a project you’ve had in mind for a long time. Renovations, painting a vase, knitting, really anything. – Atlea Suicide

19. Set a stupid goal and accomplish it, to prove to yourself that you can. – Darrah de jour

20. Quit saying you will do something and actually do it. When tasks, errands, and commitments are followed through with you feel much more productive. – Kraven Suicide

21. Take a risk. – Darrah de jour

22. Spend an hour with a happy dog, scratching his or her ears. – CoyoteMike

23. Try to go outside each day. Go for a walk. Make sure you have at least 20 minutes of “me” time. This way you’re incorporating self-thought and exercise. It’s very important to get to know yourself. You could be pleasantly surprised. – Aadie Suicide

24. Learn a new skill: baking, crocheting, taxidermy, etc. – Rambo Suicide

25. Take a college class that you want to take, not one that you need. – Shotgun Suicide

26. Find a hobby you can dedicate some time to. Something you love and have passion for. It keeps us young at heart and sane when we can lose our selves in something. – Kraven Suicide

27. Splurge on some really fancy underwear. – Rambo Suicide

28. Add a little color to your life however you see fit. A colorful world is so much better than a black and white one. – Kraven Suicide

29. Make time for yourself. Seriously. Put it in your calendar. Whether it is daily, weekly or monthly, schedule some time and don’t cut out on it for anyone. You’re the only one looking out for you. – Smythe Suicide

30. Treat yourself to an energy renewal weekend, be it at the spa or simply just by unplugging the phone and reading a book. – Atlea Suicide

31. Set up an automatic transfer of money into a savings account each month. – Salome Suicide

32. Watch Fight Club. – Darrah de jour

33. Listen to Valleyheart by She Wants Revenge – Nicole Powers

34. Read Little Brother by Cory Doctorow (snag a free copy here) – EisMC2 and JackalAnon

35. See more live comedy and live music. – Squee Suicide

36. Support non-profit journalism – American Independent News Network, Truthout, GregPalast.com, BradBlog.com are all 501c3’s – donate to support the news that you read for free. Oh, and it’s tax deductible. – ZDRoberts

37. Protest the NDAA, unless you don’t care to plead the 5th. – Shotgun Suicide

38. Join the EFF (Electronic Frontier Foundation) if you care about stopping SOPA. If you spend any time online, you should do. (For that matter, if you’re breathing, you should do!) – Nicole Powers

39. Protect your vote. The election is less than a year away, and you’ll need to start working now to make sure your vote actually counts. Find out why and how by downloading Steal Back Your Vote for free. SuicideGirls helped promote the project so you know it’s awesome and worth a read. – ZDRoberts

40. Get to know your presidential candidates. Look beyond the big social issues like abortion, and research their tax plans, health care ideas, and how they’ve voted in the past. You might find out they aren’t who you thought they were based on a few Facebook posts and Twitter campaigns. The election is coming soon. – Damon Martin

41. Stop by and say hi to your local Occupy. Shake someone’s hand and say “Thank you.” You’d be surprised how much it means to them. Oh, and give them a pair of mittens, it gets cold out there. – ZDRoberts

42. Write “Thank You” notes and post them to people who have helped you get through 2011. – Atlea Suicide

43. Send a letter to a friend, the kind with a stamp. – Shotgun Suicide

44. Create good karma. Treat others as you would want to be treated. In this day in age too many people are being hurtful towards one another in many forms. From anonymous hating via the internet, to being rude to a stranger just because your day didn’t go so well, to physical acts of hate out of spite, jealousy or lack of confidence. Think about how you can be a positive impact on others around you, from your family, friends, neighbors and strangers. Small gestures of kindness can go a long ways and karma will make its way back to you. – Dorsal Suicide

45. Pay for the next person in line at the coffee shop. – CoyoteMike

46. Find joy in the small things. It will help you appreciate the big things so much more. – Kraven Suicide

47. Make today count, because one day you will be nostalgic for it. – Shotgun Suicide

48. Spend more time living in the moment, and less time worrying about the past and the future. Neither of these exist – so live in the present! – Fabrizia Suicide

49. The past is over. Now move your ass. Welcome to 2012. – Darrah de jour

50. Have no regrets. It’s a New Year and that means progress. Do not look back, only forward to the happiness ahead! – Kraven Suicide

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Dec 2011 30

by Yashar Ali

Every election season, I ask myself the same question: Why aren’t more women running for public office?

Over the past ten years, I have been hopeful for the prospect and rise of women political candidates. While I never studied the numbers, I felt like we were heading in the right direction.

I couldn’t be more wrong.

Reporter Kate Linthicum’s brilliant Los Angeles Times article sheds light on the City of Los Angeles’ problem with proper female representation on the city council. The fifteen-member council, which had five female members eleven years ago, currently has just one, Jan Perry.

Current statistics about women holding federal office are equally dismal: women hold fewer than 20 percent of House and Senate seats. The House faced its first decline in 30 years with respect to women members.

Women hold fewer than 25 percent of seats in state legislatures. This sort of decline has not been seen in decades.

Why are we slipping back after so many years of slow but steady progress?

There exists real obstacles for prospective women politicians: media bias, lack of financial support, mediocre recruitment efforts, underfunded organizations built to help women run for public office.

I want to introduce a not-so-prominent problem: the serious deficiency of women in senior positions on political campaigns. With the exception of political fundraisers, you find very few women running campaigns or serving in top management spots.

The absence of women operating behind the scenes of political campaigns has been largely ignored. This is made clear by the complete absence of studies tracking the numbers of women working in politics. Open your newspaper and turn on your TV. You usually hear a senior-level male staffer speaking for candidates.

This isn’t just about my ideology. This is personal for me.

For the past two and half years, I worked for California Lieutenant Governor and former San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom. In my last position with him, I managed his 2010 race for Lieutenant Governor.

Lieutenant Governor Newsom and his wife, actress and documentary filmmaker, Jennifer Siebel Newsom (who made a brilliant documentary about women’s under-representation in positions of power and the limited and often disparaging portrayal of women in the media – see SG interview) expressed in this campaign their frustration and concern about the lack of women working on his campaigns.

Lieutenant Governor Newsom always asked, when we made hiring decisions, whether we could fill these posts with qualified women. This was not just a question for him. In his first year as mayor, he appointed San Francisco’s first female police chief and fire chief. He was also the first mayor to initiate gender analysis of budget cuts.

But I couldn’t find available and qualified women to take senior positions in his campaign. The few women I did know were already working on other campaigns.

Shawnda Westly, Executive Director of the California Democratic Party, saw a need to fix this problem in California. She, along with her colleague Robin Swanson, put their money where their mouth is, and launched a website called Political Women California.

Political Women California delivers a simple, but powerful mission: to give women working in politics a place to post their resumes so employers can find and hire them for campaigns, elections and political positions throughout California — and across the country.

Their site has been flooded with postings from women already working in politics in California. Even though I am not in the business of managing campaigns anymore, it helped me realize how many women are trying to work in politics.

Usually, people run for office after being exposed to a political campaign in one way or another. So the question is: how do we expect young women to motivate themselves to run for public office when all the people running campaigns are men?

This issue is not limited to Democrats. We need more women working on campaigns and in elective office across the political spectrum. Both parties should see the benefit of female leadership. But drawing from my personal experience, I want to speak to Democrats: There is no excuse. How can we demand equality for women in the workplace and fair wage laws, when we can’t manage to hire women for the campaigns professing these issues?

I spent the better part of two years working tirelessly for Hillary Clinton in her bid to be the 44th President of the United States. My passion for her candidacy was primarily based on my belief that she was the most qualified candidate for president. I felt her unique combination of experiences would serve our country incredibly well.

But there was another strong factor for my motivation. One I will not apologize for. I really wanted a woman president.

The dream I have for a woman president is not dead. However, if we don’t make conscious efforts to hire more women on political campaigns, we are not only limiting our talent pool, but we will also face an epidemic shortage of women running for office.

We must demand that candidates we support value diversity in their hiring practices. So, my message is for two people: the candidate and the campaign manager.

Next time you are walking through your campaign headquarters, take a look at the young woman who shows up everyday after her classes to volunteer. The same one who always pays her own way on public transportation to make phone calls and to help knock on doors. The same one that you are impressed by and think is better than half your paid staff. And probably the same one you take for granted. She could be president one day…if you give her a chance.

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Yashar Ali is a Los Angeles-based columnist, commentator, and political veteran whose writings about women, gender inequality, political heroism, and society are showcased on his website, The Current Conscience. Please follow him on Twitter and join him on Facebook.

He will be soon releasing our first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.

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A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy

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Dec 2011 26

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Kraven

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Kraven in Softcore]

Q: I’m a 20-year old girl and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year. Despite me being young, I am sure that I want to get married, but he’s said he doesn’t think he wants to. I’ve stayed because I love him. We’re only young (he’s 23), and I hope he might change his mind. The problem is, I think he sees our relationship as having an end point due to this. I don’t know if that’s because he thinks I’ll end it or he will due to not wanting marriage. I am quite paranoid and find it quite hurtful. He’s also completely against the idea of living together, and if I subtly suggest it’s due to his lack of commitment he gets quite angry/upset.

What is best to do about this? I am aware I’m young, and I don’t want to get married till I graduate in 2 1/2 years, but is there anything I can do to maybe show him it’s not that bad? Everyone says we’re a fantastic match and I can really be myself around him.

Thanks!

A: If I have learned anything out of my past two relationships it’s that you cannot rush anyone to the alter. Marriage is something that both people have to take incredibly seriously and have to both be ready for, since, ultimately, it is intended to be forever. This is an issue that has broken up many people. Some are quite simply ready, others are not.

You are not wrong in talking about marriage and wanting that as a goal to look forward to. Much like myself, you want to see progress, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, when the other person does not have a similar attitude towards marriage, bringing it up and talking about it can begin to sound like nagging to them. They may also feel you are resenting them because it’s something you want and they are holding you back. As for if you’re too young to get married, that is not something I can answer. But you yourself said you know you aren’t ready quite yet.

The issues you have with your relationship seem to go beyond marriage. More immediately you are just looking for him to show he is committed, and talking marriage at this stage may not be the right way to go about doing that. You want a sense of security, but what is scaring you or making you feel you need it? Especially when everyone tells you you are fantastic together and things are going good?

If there are issues now about this and things go sour when commitment is talked about, there may be underlying issues that need to be addressed. You certainly do not want to get married or pressure someone into staying with you through a marriage if there are these types of issues to begin with. I am not telling you this will end badly, I am just telling you from being in your exact shoes, you have to do what makes you happy, and while you love him and are willing to give him the world, he has to want and be willing to do the same. If he does not want to, then perhaps he’s not the man for you. You deserve better.

In terms of talking with him, you can let him know what you see in your future and ask him if he sees the same. He will tell you what he sees. If the goals are not the same, then it really is time to take stock and figure out what to do next. If the goals are the same, and in the future you both see marriage to one another, then you are on the right track. But do not pressure him into something that you admitted you are not ready for right this minute either. Live life, have fun, and be happy with one another. There’s a lot to be said for enjoying the moment (especially at your age), rather than concentrating so much on the future that you’re unable to enjoy the present.

When his is ready for marriage, he will let you know. You cannot pressure someone with regards to this type of issue, and if you do, you will more than likely push him away rather than bring him closer to you.

I really hope this helps as I have been in this same situation just recently. I know what you are going through. Stay strong and true to yourself and your values. And never settle. 🙂

Kraven

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Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com