by Laurelin

Winter is coming. Maybe I have been way too involved in reading the Game of Thrones series, but that phrase has been running the show these past few months. Winter is coming, cold weather, boyfriend season. It’s time to stockpile your nuts in anticipation of frozen ground, time to find some people to hibernate with, someone to snuggle with to save money on that heat bill. Whatever the reason, winter IS coming… and so far I think my stockroom is looking alright.

My best friend looked at me the other day and cautiously asked if she could tell me something. I said of course, and she slowly said, “I don’t think you’re over your ex-boyfriend.”

I laughed. “What was your first clue?” I said.

“Thank God,” she replied. “Well, you never came out and said it, so I didn’t want to bring it up.”

She’s right, although I feel like I always bring it up. For some reason lately his name has never been far from my mind, and even now, months later, I feel almost worse off than when it had just happened. It doesn’t make sense to me; it’s not like we had this incredible connection that I felt left a hole in my life. I have managed to maintain a normal work relationship with him, I have managed to keep calm when I need to and to keep a smile on my face. But I guess I never really had that healing ‘out of sight out of mind’ time period, and for some reason my mind is starting to play tricks on me, making me think I made a mistake. Making me wish that things hadn’t ended.

It’s not like I haven’t been dating and trying to move on. I went on a coffee date with a stranger, I’ve marched into the bar across the street and given my number to a bartender that I’ve always thought was cute. He called, and we’ve been meeting for drinks here and there, but in the back of my mind I think I’m doing it just for the challenge. When I go out with any of these guys I truly am looking for a connection. I don’t want to randomly hook up. I don’t even mean to stockpile for winter, it’s not nice. But all of a sudden I’m feeling wishy-washy, and for whatever reason on the first date we’re holding hands, and I’m smiling sweetly but really, I’m screaming, “WHO DOES THAT? GET ME OUTTA HERE!”

The other night after getting drinks with one guy (and a ride home from another) I decided to return a phone call from a far off ex-boyfriend, he had been calling during the date and I kept pushing him to voicemail.

“How was your date?” he asked.

“It was alright,” I say. “I miss you,” and I mean it. This guy and I are strictly friends now, and he moved to Los Angeles recently. We talk on the phone often, but he is greatly missed.

“Get in a cab and come to the Park Plaza hotel,” he says. “I’m in Boston.” Two minutes later I am back in a cab and heading downtown at two a.m., certain the cab driver thinks I’m a hooker. I pull up outside the hotel and walk through the doors into the most beautiful lobby I have ever seen. Crystal chandeliers hang from cathedral ceilings and music plays softly, drifting around the biggest Christmas tree I have ever seen. I walk to the tree and look around until I hear him call my name, and we just hug for a few minutes. I feel like I’m in a movie, a good holiday heartwarming moment. He was someone who left a hole in my life when he left, and sometimes a hug from a friend at two a.m. in front of a fancy hotel Christmas tree is just what you need to feel whole again.

I spend the night, but we just talk and fall asleep. I laugh to myself going over the day in my head, a full shift at work, a burlesque ballet performance, drinks with one guy, a lift home from another, back in a cab to meet another at a hotel at three a.m. My best friend’s words echo in my head and I say them out loud to my friend and he nods knowingly. I’m not over my ex. I feel like I’m taking a huge step backwards. I shouldn’t have gone out with any of these guys, it’s not fair to them. I’m not really giving them a chance, I’m just trying to fill a space where something is missing. I sigh and snuggle up, the hotel room is cold, and winter is coming.

[..]

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Lyxzen Suicide

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. I have been friends with this girl for about five years. Around three months ago we both decided to make a go of a relationship since we had both been hiding feelings for each other. The issue is that I’ve been living on the opposite side of the country for a year or so and things are getting rather hard. She never returns my calls, she will only text me, she has been talking to me less and less, and every time I try to set up a visit for me to see her or for her to come see me things never work out. Mostly she just never gets back to me with a yes or no about coming to see me or about me coming to see her. This is really hard for me because I am starting to feel like maybe I am the second guy in her life, and that is just unacceptable to me. I don’t want to lose her if there is nothing sketchy going on, but I also have to know the truth. How do I approach her about finding out what is really going on with us?

A: Holy déjà vu, Batman…Reading this letter was like a look back into my past, only with the male and female pronouns switched!

My then-beau and I were even planning his move to my city, when he began pulling away. I had the same gut feeling that you’ve no doubt been trying to get past, but in the end, he was banging another girl. (Funny side-note, she and I ended up being friends after they called it quits — turns out he didn’t treat his in-town lady lover any better!)

You know that it takes a lot to maintain a long-distance relationship (Ask anyone who’s been in one — they’re never easy!), and whatever her deal is, whether she’s creating distance because of some type of stress in her life, or because she’s just a nasty ho, this girl clearly isn’t into it.

I hate to get all Dr. Phil on you, but you’re better than this. You deserve better than this! Whatever’s going on in her world only she’s going to be able to deal with. Unfortunately, I think there’s a really high probability that your suspicions about her sketchy-ness are completely right, but either way, shit just ain’t cool and you shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of behavior. I mean, we’re all adults, right?

Here’s the kind of long-distance relationship you DO deserve: You deserve someone so eager to see you that they count down the days until they finally do. You deserve someone who’s excited to take your calls, and does so as often as she can. You deserve someone who sends you photos of things that made her think of you, and of things she thinks will make you smile. You deserve someone who plans adventures and dates for the two of you when you can see each other, whether it’s in one of your two cities or another place altogether. Most of all, you deserve someone who respects you enough to be open and honest with you, instead of dodging questions and ignoring texts.

I can tell you with certainty though, that even the most terrible situations always have a way of working out for the best in the end. As difficult as it may be to end things with this girl, you’ll be coming out of it a stronger and more assertive person, and after taking some time for yourself, you’ll eventually be ready for an awesome girl to walk into your life and completely blow your mind.

So how do you approach this she-weasel to find out what her problem is? She’s obviously making communication difficult, so I would say a well-thought-out email is your best bet. I’d say something like this:

Hey [ladygirl’s name],

I’m not sure what’s going on with you on your side of the country, but I’m feeling left out in the cold here.

I’ve tried to figure out ways to make this long-distance thing work until I’m back next year, but it seems useless when you avoid finalizing plans or even picking up your phone. I’m sure your intent isn’t to make me feel shitty in any way, but knowing my girlfriend isn’t as excited about seeing me, or even texting me, as I am about seeing and texting her, well, it really does feel shitty.

I’ll be honest with you: my gut tells me I’m second to some other guy in your life right now. I don’t mean to throw accusations around, but I just can’t push the thought out of my head.

I hope that I’m wrong, because, in the years that I’ve known you, I’ve never thought you to be that type of girl. Either way though, the way you’ve been treating me is just not okay. No one deserves to be in this situation.

So here it is. I’m putting the ball in your court. I’d love to talk to you about this in person, or even over the phone, but it seems so hopeless to keep trying. I suppose time will tell if this ruins the friendship we’ve had. I really hope it doesn’t, but I’m thinking it’s for the best that we end “us” here and promise ourselves that we’ll be better for the next person.

Let me know what you think…
Best,
[your name]

Harsh, maybe, but you gotta let that girl know you won’t put up with her crap any longer! And if you can do it in a mature and respectful way, you’ll come out on the other side having bettered yourself, whatever the outcome of the relationship may be.

I really think you just needed someone to tell you that you’re right, and I really think you are darlin’. Moving on will be difficult, and it’ll probably take a little longer to get closure from the situation since you two were friends for years first, but I can promise you that there’s someone out there that will treat you better and love you so much harder than this girl does.

You’re stronger and more confident than you know, and you got this, sweetness!
Good luck!!

<3 Lyxzen

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Sassie, Tita, and Setsuka

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I think I want to break up with my girlfriend. Yeah, I know it’s a shitty time to break up with her, but I was kind of like this last Christmas and put it off because of the time of year.

I feel shitty breaking up with her at Christmas and while she’s feeling down, but I’ve tried too hard to help her and feel like I’m doing all the effort and she just doesn’t give a shit! She says she doesn’t want to lose me over the way she is with her depression. The last time this happened I told her and she bucked up her ideas and things got better, but I really don’t want to have to keep repeating myself and have her go in circles.

A: Where do I begin? Obviously things aren’t “okay” if you’ve been feeling like breaking up with your girlfriend for over a year, and have found excuses to put it off. You say her depression “pisses you off,” however, depression is a medical condition – she can’t control the chemicals in her brain. If she had cancer would it piss you off? Because that’s pretty much what you’re saying.

You should be encouraging her to get help. You should be her support system. And instead you’re here complaining about it. The holiday season is particularly tough on those prone to depression. Also, there is such a thing as seasonal affective disorder (SAD), and that may be why she gets worse in the winter. It can also have physical affects which is why she doesn’t feel well. Now, I’m obviously not a doctor, but she probably needs professional help if you’re saying it’s so bad that it’s affecting her job too.

Some people are stronger than others, and you’re saying that you’re one of them, so why can’t you be strong for her too? I mean, if you really cared for this girl, that wouldn’t even be a question! What have you actually done to help her? It may seem like she doesn’t give a shit, but she obviously cares for you if she’s aware that it’s affecting your relationship, whether she shows it or not. It’s incredibly hard to think rationally when you’re depressed, so even you asking her to give a shit may seem like a huge task at the time.

You cannot just tell someone to “shape up or ship out” when they’re depressed. In my opinion, that is one of the worst things that you can say. Sure, let me just go into my brain and adjust my serotonin levels so that you can stop being annoyed with me! Really dude? The reality of it is it will probably always go in circles. That is the nature of depression. One day you’re fine, and the next day you’re not. It sounds like you can’t handle it. And you probably don’t deserve this girl if that’s the way you’re treating her. So break it off already.

Sassie

Q: I have a rather long situation here. It all started about a year ago. I was working at a local Mexican food place. I met a woman there. I say that cause she is 38 and I am 29. Not much of an age difference. So we get to talking and we get along, cracking jokes, some NSFW. Then she gets fired and I don’t see her again until about a month ago. We saw each other in a local bar, had a few, caught up on things and exchanged numbers. We texted each other and met up at the bar again the next weekend. We hung out, drink, I watched her play pool, and we kissed a few times. Then we went to eat after a night of drinking. Then some drama happens. She ended up crying. I comforted her. Before we left to go home we stood in the parking lot and I held her. Everything seemed to be going well.

Confused in Texas

A: I believe in romance, but I’m definitely not a hopeless romantic. It’s lovely that you two click, enjoy each others company, and that you think of her often. She certainly seems to acknowledge that you are good and caring, and are an overall “good guy.” However, I think that her statement regarding not knowing when “it’s right in front of her face” is a very big clue as to what to do…

Humans crave comfort, love, and support. We long to be safe, warm, well fed, and secure. When it comes to a partner, these items are usually high on the list of “wants.” The rules of relationships are simple (although in practice, it’s never easy to follow them). If someone “wants” you, they will let you know. There should be no question as to whether or not they like what you are offering, and want it in their life.

From where I’m sitting, it looks like you are prepared to provide, or work together to have all of those things, and yet, she is not running into your arms, and accepting comfort, love, and support from you. She is resistant to your good nature and care. Pay attention to that! I believe that ultimately, our fate is our own. For her to believe that things will go wrong because they “always do” indicates that she has a pattern of this in her life. She is the common denominator in those situations. (Now, I should point out that I’m in no way implying that people deserve everything they get. However, when it comes to life patterns and negative experiences, we have the power to change them for the better.)

Fear is not positive. It holds people back, and prevents them from experiencing, embracing and enjoying good things. She is scared she will miss out on a great guy, yet you are right next to her! You could be all that she wants and more, but if she is too scared to go for it, you will be left waiting, and in the end, heart broken.

In answer to your question, I think there is a third option! I believe you should take all your goodness, care and support, and find someone who sees it, wants it, and embraces it. What could make you feel better about yourself than that?

Standing up for ourselves is never easy, but I really do think you can do better.

Good luck!

Tita

Q: I’m a 26-year old male, and my dilemma is that I’m shy. What is the best way in your opinion for a guy to judge a girls interest? There is a girl who works at a diner near my work. I see her every morning. She rushes to serve me before any of the other girls can. Am I right in thinking her actions are a sign she may be interested in me? I wish everything was as simple as working on my car LOL. I feel like if I make an ass out of myself by asking her if she wants to catch up, it may jeopardize my breakfast ritual – and that would be bad! Hope I’m not being an uber creep.

A: First of all, women are all about body language. We like to drop subtle hints to let people know we are interested. Usually it involves smiling, joking, laughing, and subtle touches like on the hand or shoulder. It seems like she may have interest in you but it’s hard to say as an outsider. There is of course a chance that she is being overly friendly since you are a regular and she might be trying to get a good tip, but do you really want to let that stand in your way? I think you would regret not asking her out more than being turned down. You only live once so take the chance and ask her to coffee or something simple!

Good luck!
Setsuka
Xoxo

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Yashar Ali

I don’t like to drink. I don’t like the taste of alcohol. And, outside of a handful of memorable drinking stories that my friends and I repeatedly share with each other, I don’t get drunk and I don’t like to get drunk. I also don’t like the loss of time that comes with a hangover and the loss of control that comes with drinking.

And it’s not because I have a drinking problem. I never have. I just don’t like drinking alcohol, it’s simply not part of my life.

Even though I am in my early thirties, I still face this incredible pressure – peer pressure – to drink. I am talking about the kind of pressure we’re reminded of when we think of teenagers, college students, or those in their early twenties, and how our friends, during this phase of our lives, were pushing us to drink.

Although we often think peer pressure in drinking is tied to a younger more footloose group, to twenty-somethings who are still finding themselves, I’ve discovered through my own experience and through learning about the experiences of my readers, that age and professional status really plays no role in whether someone will pressure or be pressured. Men and women in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s are doing the pressuring.
It seems to me that social pressure to drink is more a cultural issue than an age issue.

I even have friends who claim they could never be in relationship with a person who doesn’t drink. Because that’s what every solid relationship is built on: consumption of alcohol.

In (Western) adult social culture, alcohol is a primary and important component of being part of a group, and people who are not interested in alcohol or dislike the taste, are subject to pressure to drink. They, in turn, are forced to find or create, what are deemed “legitimate reasons” for not joining in with the drinking. Failure to drink creates a barrier between the drinkers and those people, who, for various reasons, choose not to drink alcohol.

Why are we judging and pressuring people who don’t drink and why do we make them justify or explain their reasons for refusing alcohol?

Alcohol (and drinking) is a part of the wide range of social pressures in our culture and it’s part of the fabric of many people’s lives. However, it’s not an insignificant thing to ask and pressure someone else to drink.

I get that alcohol helps people loosen up in social settings, but it creates a barrier between people who choose to drink and people who don’t. And this barrier sets the tone for who talks to, and who hangs out with whom. It’s as if alcohol is the social glue that keeps us together, and if we don’t have it and are faced with some people who drink and some people who don’t, things seem to get off-balance and uncomfortable.

The idea of someone who doesn’t drink is so foreign to some people that we sometimes falsely assume that the person who is not drinking has a past of alcohol abuse or we force these non-drinkers to constantly explain themselves.

Mindy, a reader from Chicago in her early 30’s, often deals with new friends or colleagues who assume she was an alcoholic or member of A.A., because she chooses not to drink.

So when it comes to socializing, do we only have two categories for people: sober alcoholic or drinker? There are so many people that fall in between these two categories, they’re not really sober, but they’re also not active drinkers.

A friend of mine who works in corporate advertising commented on the pressure she feels when ordering a glass of water or lemonade at a restaurant with colleagues when everyone else is ordering wine or a cocktail, “I’m made to feel like I’m not an adult.”

Susie, a 38 year-old paralegal found herself being excluded from activities at work, because she barely drank.

“You won’t want to come out tonight because you don’t drink,” she would hear from her co-workers in an almost sympathetic tone (she would always be included in activities that didn’t include heavy drinking).

“I can still have a good time without drinking. It’s not like I’m standing there with my arms crossed at a bar, frowning. I just wonder if they feel judged if I am not doing shots with them and that’s why I’m not being included.”

For Susie and other people in her situation, the social interaction between colleagues, the same interaction that often aides people in their careers, is something that is stripped from her. Unless she’s willing to drink to intoxication, people just don’t feel comfortable having her around and so, Susie misses out on one part of professional networking.

My friend Erin, who is in her late 30’s, found her second pregnancy to be the saving grace, in terms of alleviating the pressure that comes with drinking, “I find it a relief now that I’m visibly six months pregnant, because I can point to my belly and say, ‘Sorry, I can’t!’”

“It will be a drag when I have to go back to explaining to people, ‘No really, I just don’t like it.’”

Having an excuse, whether it’s an illness or pregnancy, seems to offer a reprieve to those who don’t want to drink. But it still doesn’t make sense to me. I understand (but don’t accept) the social pressure to drink during high school and college-age years, but why are adults so obsessed with their friends, family, and colleagues drinking?

And why do there seem to be real, social consequences for people who don’t care to learn the difference between a Chardonnay and a Cabernet?

Yashar Ali is a Los Angeles-based columnist, commentator, and political veteran whose writings about women, gender inequality, political heroism, and society are showcased on his website, The Current Conscience. Please follow him on Twitter and join him on Facebook.

He will be soon releasing our first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.

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A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy

by Laurelin

The internet. It’s everywhere, connecting everything all the time. People don’t need to shop outside the house anymore, you can just order whatever you want from the internet and have it delivered. Clothes, shoes, groceries and…men? I have been aware of internet dating for a few years now, and I always turned up my nose at the thought of it. Seriously, if you can’t get out into the world and meet and connect with someone on your own than you probably should stop trying.

That’s an ignorant thing to say, I’m acutely aware of that now. Not everyone is [un] lucky enough to be in bars every night where members of the opposite sex are foaming at the mouth and leaving phone numbers scribbled on beer soaked cocktail napkins. But the other day I got to thinking. Maybe I have been going about this all wrong. I know I tend to meet the same type of guy over and over again at bars: young party types with more muscles than brains. Internet dating, while a product of a technological world, seems to take dating back to basics: conversation and actually getting to know someone.

After a talk with a girlfriend about her experiences in the world on online dating, I wound up joining a site that was basically just another app for my iPhone. My girlfriends and I started off my just browsing the guys just like we would online shop. Look at this one, ooooh, look at that one, he’s tall, cute, this one has a good job, this one has pictures of his cat. It was quite addicting. Soon we were getting a few messages a day and spending nights at work reading them and giggling. People have no shame online; some of the messages were dirty, some had poetry, some were simple and to the point. Some actually made me laugh, and one day I found myself replying, and before I knew it I was getting to know this… stranger.

He was nothing like me, and was like no one I would ever normally meet in a bar. Messaging back and forth online, we got to know a little about one another, answering questions that should have come out right away with other boyfriends but that never came up while we were too busy chugging beer and sleeping in. Then this guy asked the inevitable question– want to meet in person? I froze. I don’t know. Was it safe? I HATE DATING. I don’t even like going on dates with people I sort of know. As social of a person as I am, just the though of an actual date with someone I’m trying to get to know is more terrifying than bungee jumping into the grand canyon.

I took a breath and clicked reply. “Yes,” I said. “Let’s meet for coffee.” (Coffee?! Coffee?! It’s not beer!! What do I do?!) So we did. The day before Thanksgiving I found myself sitting in a coffee shop in Harvard Square, awaiting a stranger. He came, and he was just like his pictures. Tall, cute, and so nice. He was in grad school and had just moved to Boston, we came from similar families and while there was sometimes a lull in the conversation we managed to get through about an hour before deciding to part ways. I have never been more proud of myself, thinking outside the box and making myself take a leap into the unknown to try something new and scary.

I don’t think that the whole experience was exactly for me, but I did learn that I can see why it’s for a lot of people. It makes a lot of sense now, and it’s kind of nice to know that in the future should I want to meet someone new I can always try it again. But for now, I gratefully turn back to my safe bar scene, and the comforts of a fully stocked bar to help me get through conversation. I don’t think I want to date anyone for a while, whether in the digital or the analogue. The guys I meet normally, the young and muscled, the hipsters, the career bartenders, they are what I need right now. They’re all helping me get over a heartbreak that, after trying to date someone new, I’ve come to realize is still a bit too fresh. I need some more time I guess, and probably another martini…

[..]

by Brad Warner

Crazy Wisdom Trailer from Kate Trumbull on Vimeo.

Chogyam Trungpa Rimpoche was a lot of things. When he was just 18 months old he was recognized as the reincarnation of a high Tibetan lama. He escaped Tibet’s Chinese rulers when he was 20 years old, fleeing through the icy mountains on foot with a group of 300, only 13 of whom made it across the border to India. He went to England and started the first Tibetan Buddhist center in the Western world. A short while later he came to America where he set up the Shambhala foundation. Then he proceeded to fuck dozens of his students before drinking himself to death at age 48.

Now someone’s made a movie about Trungpa, called Crazy Wisdom. It’s pretty good.

I never met Trungpa myself. But my first Zen teacher worked for him for a while as an instructor at Naropa Institute, the Buddhist university Trungpa founded in Boulder, Colorado. It was the first Buddhist university in the West. He used to tell me wild stories about Trungpa’s excesses. One time Trungpa threatened my teacher saying that demons would fly through his window at night and tear him to bits. One guy I talked to watched Trungpa down two 40 ouncers of beer during a public dharma talk. Then there’s the story I’ve heard from about half a dozen people about the time Trungpa forced a couple to participate in an orgy by ordering his uniformed guards to strip them naked against their will.

And yet for all his scandalous activities, Chogyam Trungpa is still revered 24 years after his death as one of the great Buddhist masters. Johanna Demetrakas’ new film Crazy Wisdom seeks to understand this contradictory figure. Was he merely a madman who conned thousands into thinking he was a guru? Or was his crazy wisdom really more wise than crazy after all?

I’ve never been quite sure just what to make of Trungpa. His book Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism is still one of my favorites on the subject of pursuing the dharma authentically. And yet he was a drunk and a sex fiend. Even his closest students admit that. He never hid any of this, though. And that’s what made him different. While poor old Richard Baker Roshi, head of the San Francsico Zen Center was getting flayed alive for having a brief affair with one student, Trungpa was out there screwing his followers like there was no tomorrow. And nobody seemed too fussed about it.

It turns out that perhaps sex isn’t the real problem. The real problem may be spiritual teachers who present themselves as one thing and then act completely contrary to that image. This is something Chogyam Trungpa never did.

Crazy Wisdom is a wonderfully entertaining film about this amazing contradictory man. Although the filmmakers are followers of Trungpa and naturally seek to present him in a positive light, they don’t gloss over his faults either. Trungpa never attempted to define himself according to the categories others created. Neither do the filmmakers attempt to do so. It’s left to the viewer to decide if Trungpa was insane or saintly.

Documentaries about spiritual masters aren’t usually my thing. They tend to be dry, boring and exceedingly reverent. But Crazy Wisdom isn’t your run of the mill fluff piece put together by people who want to show you why their guru is better than yours. It’s a serious film, but it has some truly laugh out loud moments. The cast is a who’s who of luminaries associated with Eastern spirituality in the West including Allan Ginsberg, Ram Dass, Stephen Batchelor, and Trungpa’s student Pema Chodron.

My only complaint is that the filmmakers chose to ignore the darker side of Trungpa’s legacy, his followers who understood their teacher’s crazy wisdom as a license to do anything at all regardless of the potential consequences. In particular I’m thinking of the story of Osel Tendzin. Tendzin was Trungpa’s successor who liked to suck and fuck just as much as his teacher. The problem was that when Tendzin was diagnosed with HIV he continued having unprotected sex without informing his partners of his condition. Stephen Butterfield, a former student, said (though this is not in the film), “In response to close questioning by students, he first swore us to secrecy and then said that Trungpa had requested him to be tested for HIV in the early 1980s and told him to keep quiet about the positive result. Tendzin had asked Trungpa what he should do if students wanted to have sex with him, and Trungpa’s reply was that as long as he did his Vajrayana purification practices, it did not matter, because they would not get the disease. Tendzin’s answer, in short, was that he had obeyed the guru.” Trungpa was wrong.

I’ll grant you that even addressing this subject at all may have pulled the film in a whole different direction. It’s a movie about Trungpa, not Tendzin. Still, to completely ignore this very significant effect of Trungpa’s teaching style seems a little like keeping something hidden. And Trungpa never hid anything.

In spite of this shortcoming I still highly recommend the film. It isn’t the kind of snore fest these sorts of documentaries usually are. In fact it’s highly engaging and entertaining as well as informative. It presents a (mostly) honest portrait of a Buddhist master who doesn’t fit the stereotypical mold.

Brad is on tour right now and may be in your area. To see where Brad will be speaking next take a look here.

Brad Warner is the author of Sex, Sin and Zen: A Buddhist Exploration of Sex from Celibacy to Polyamory and Everything in Between as well as Hardcore Zen, Sit Down and Shut Up! and Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff that you can click here to see.

You can also buy T-shirts and hoodies based on his books, and the new CD by his band Zero Defex now!

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Brad Warner’s Hardcore Zen: I Resent My High School

by Yashar Ali

When most people are seeking love, they have a basic list of check boxes they hold up to their prospective partners. On this list are questions like: Is he single? Is he ready to be in a relationship? Is he emotionally available? Does he want to be in a relationship with me?

It makes me wildly uncomfortable when all the boxes on that list are checked. I am attracted to and fall in love with unavailable men.

For years, especially in the past three years, I have slept with married men, men in relationships, and emotionally unavailable men (the latter would be fine if sex was all I was after).

And with some of these men, I have developed serious romantic attachments as a result of our sexual relationship and friendship. I would wish, even hope that they wanted more than sex, that they would want a relationship with me.

Why have I been so self-destructive?

I have put myself in these emotionally trying places out of fear that my imperfections and weaknesses would be exposed in the course of a serious, long-term relationship. I didn’t want anyone close to me because closeness calls for a release of all pretenses; I would be forced to expose my strengths and my faults. In a healthy relationship, accountability and questions are part of the deal. I didn’t want any questions; I didn’t want to be accountable when it came to my problems. So I chose men who I knew would not or could not be in a relationship with me.

My entanglements with unavailable men allowed me to avoid men who would see the real me and also gave me the opportunity to experience the feelings of love and emotional and sexual attraction that we all need.

I always knew going into these situations, that the men I was seeing weren’t available for actual relationships. I never had to be told by others that, “He’s just not that into you.” None of the unavailable men with whom I have had sexual relationships can say I pushed them to do anything. I never bothered pursuing romantic relationships with these men because I knew, point blank, that they were unavailable. Instead, I stewed in my frustration and sadness, sharing my pain with one or two friends.

Over the years, my friends have made multiple attempts at setting me up with prospective boyfriends, but I always knew these men would be emotionally, mentally available. What a turn off – right? So I would refuse the set-up, or I would find a reason why that particular man wouldn’t work for me after going out with him.

I would occasionally date romantically available men for short periods of time; I gave them a small chance. But I would never allow them into my world, they wouldn’t meet my friends, they wouldn’t be a part of my life. And soon, they would either tire of the situation or I would find a polite way to move on.

The concept of unavailability in men comes in many different forms and it’s an issue I’ve seen many of my friends struggle with. For some, it’s about being in a relationship with a man who could physically be in the same room, but is a million miles away in terms of his emotional commitment. For others, it’s about falling in love with a man who will never be open to a sexual or romantic relationship. For me, an unavailable man is someone who gives me enough to live on emotionally and sexually, but is someone who is totally and literally unavailable for a relationship.

Sometimes, when we chase after things, we are not necessarily chasing after something that is inaccessible. My relationships with unavailable men have nothing to do with wanting what I can’t have. These relationships are about doing everything to avoid what I want the most.

The way I would fall in love with unavailable men was always the same. In fact, it had become so textbook that a few close friends would often notice and point it out when I was heading in that direction. I would sleep with a man, whether I knew he was available or not, and once I confirmed that he was unavailable, I would become more attracted to him. It wouldn’t take much for the emotional attraction to happen. If he said something sweet to me, or asked me the right questions, I couldn’t help but feel drawn to him. Whether the attraction would last for days, weeks, or months, it was incredibly intense and emotionally draining. And I lived out that pain in private.

The process would only be prolonged when I received a perfectly timed text-message or phone call from one of my unavailable men. These connections would provide the warmth and sense of closeness that I desired. Those text messages and phone calls were enough to keep me giving them what they wanted — so I could get what I needed.

My problems, my imperfections are the kind that everyone has. But for some reason, I felt like I had some sort of invisible cloak that prevented people from noticing these flaws unless I let them in. I was wrong. Everyone saw them, as any attempt at covering up problems only leads them to be revealed more publicly. My choice to engage with unavailable men stemmed precisely from this fear of intimacy and a fear of exposing my faults and inadequacies.

My attraction towards unavailable men taught me a big lesson, a lesson about my aversion to revealing my shortcomings to the world. I have fundamentally shifted how I see privacy and what it really means to be private.

Our need for privacy, for secrecy, for keeping our imperfections hidden is seriously taxing our lives — it took me away from myself and nearly destroyed me. We ironically admire this internal suffering as a strong character trait, “Oh, she’s so private,” or “He’s so private.” We seem to think this kind of silent suffering is honorable. It’s not.

For me, sharing my time with unavailable men was a major way to hide parts of myself. Being with these men was my version of privacy. Being forced to talk about my relationships with these unavailable men or being forced to talk about the resulting pain made me feel like I was being exposed to the world. For me, talking about my problems was a weakness. And that’s why I never did it. Until now.

Our tendency towards privacy often relates to our desire to hide our problems and our desire to conceal our fear of exposing personal issues and imperfections. But problems are generally not solved behind closed doors. I also think it’s nearly impossible to cover up or hide our general imperfections or issues — human beings are so perceptive that most people will soon realize that something is wrong. For me, privacy is now about keeping things special or keeping other people’s secrets. Privacy is no longer about burying my own secrets or imperfections. I just don’t care anymore about being judged.

Usually people wait until they’re extremely successful or well past their problems to discuss them. We are often willing to talk about our secrets or our problems once we have solved them. It’s so much more comfortable to say, “That’s how I used to be.” I’m not there yet. I thought about unavailable men yesterday, I thought about them this morning, and I am thinking about them now.

While revealing this issue about my life may be embarrassing for some to hear or know about, I no longer have an issue admitting that I have never felt truly close to anyone. Until now, I have not truly felt close to myself.

I really want to be in relationship. But I know I am not ready. There’s nothing I want to do more than respond to the text from one of my unavailable men that I just received. That text still gives me enough, even though it truly offers nothing. I still have the desire to get what I need from someone who doesn’t want to give me more than sex and a kind word, someone who won’t ask me any questions, someone who won’t require me to be a better person, someone who let’s me keep my privacy, and someone who allows me to keep all of my faults and shortcomings at bay.

But I know I have to stop sleeping and falling in love with unavailable men — because my need for privacy has left me feeling incredibly lonely.

I’ve been knocking on a door when I know that no one is home. I’m tired of waiting around for him to answer.

Yashar Ali is a Los Angeles-based columnist, commentator, and political veteran whose writings about women, gender inequality, political heroism, and society are showcased on his website, The Current Conscience. Please follow him on Twitter and join him on Facebook.

He will be soon releasing our first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.

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