Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Perdita

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. Hi, and first of all, thanks for bringing so much sunlight into my life! I forget how long I’ve followed your site, but it’s been constantly reassuring to know that not everyone is hung up on the (double) standards we’re surrounded by every day.

I’m torn. What should I do? Endure the misery until we’re better off and can be natural again? Or cut my losses and go back to being single, leaving her bitter and disappointed once again? Or even something else, like separate to let the air clear and then try again? (A lot of “agains” there.) Any advice or perspective would be most appreciated.

A: It sounds like there is a lot going on here and you seem to have a very clear understanding of the situation, however you need to make a decision. I do think you both need an outside and neutral mediator to help because it sounds like you want to make this work and you care enough to stick around, but you guys are constantly butting heads at this point. If you are able to seek professional help for this, I would highly recommend it, if more for your wife than yourself. A single suicide attempt is more than enough of an indication that someone is dealing with more than they can handle, and she is also clearly carrying baggage from her past relationship. If you’re worried about the cost, many states have options for people seeking help with mental health issues that do not have insurance or the means to pay full price, so I would seek those out to see if you qualify.

You guys are also in financial straights right now in the middle of one of worst economies in 100 years. Believe me when I say that working a job you’re burned out on is no fun, but neither is being homeless, or up to your eyeballs in debt. You also have the needs of a little boy to consider, and sometimes you have to take the job you don’t love because it provides what you need. You both need to suck it up to an extent, and, if you have access to better jobs, now is the time to get them. I understand that it can be frustrating and unfulfilling to work at a job you hate, but this relationship would benefit from structure and stability. As for your finances, you need to sit down, take a look at all the debt you have and figure out how to manage it, make a budget and stick to it. Once you get a handle on your finances and get into a regular routine, there’s no reason why you can’t pursue your interests (together and separately) as hobbies, at least in the meantime.

Ultimately every relationship takes work, and while this relationship may take more work, it sounds like something you are willing to do. So get some professional help, start discussing your issues on a regular basis and concentrate on improving your financial situation, that way you’ll be moving in the right direction for a healthier, happier relationship.

Perdita

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Yashar Ali

My friend Karen (all names changed to protect privacy) was confused and frustrated when she called me on a Friday night.

About a year ago, she met a guy, Michael, through work. They met a few times for drinks with colleagues and then one night, she met him for dinner, which ended with the two of them “hooking up” (whatever that means).

She liked Michael a lot, and wanted to see him again.

After they had dinner, a week went by when Karen got a text message from Michael, “What’s up? How are you?”

She was happy; he wanted to hang out again.

Now, Karen wishes that was the last time she ever heard from him.

As she explained the manner in which she and Michael were communicating, I realized Karen was dealing with a situation several other women very recently talked to me about.

Since their last night together, Michael kept in touch with Karen on a regular basis. Every couple of weeks, Karen received a text or email from him. The messages always started out the same way, “What’s up?”

Karen would always respond.

“How are you?”

“Good, what’s up with you?”

Karen would proceed to fill him in on her life and Michael would always respond with the same short answer, “That’s cool.”

After one or two text messages, Michael would usually disappear. But a couple of weeks later, he would show up again. Sometimes their conversations would go deeper — ten minutes of texting back and forth. Karen would find hope in those longer texting sessions, thinking that he was finally engaging with her.

Michael would sometimes get more creative, giving Karen the impression he cared about her and her life.

“What’s up? How was your holiday weekend?”

“What’s up? Saw your Facebook post, so funny.”

A couple times he even texted, “We should have dinner soon.”

But every time Karen agreed to dinner, Michael would tell her about his really busy month at work, delaying the need to schedule a real date. Then, he would never follow up.

This faux-relationship wasn’t going anywhere and Karen was left feeling confused and frustrated about Michael’s intentions.

But these sporadic texts weren’t even about sex. Michael never even proposed any sort of rendezvous. And Karen’s motivation was certainly not friendship. “I have enough friends,” she said.

“He’s not even trying to sleep with me, what’s the point of all this?”

I told her, “Karen you’re being e-maintained”

“Is that an official term?” she laughed.

The week before, I had come up with the term as a joke, but the idea actually made sense. Michael was maintaining her — keeping her, in his mind, satisfied — and he was doing it electronically.

My friend Julia was dealing with the same issue. She was subject to these short, rapid bursts of texting with men on a consistent basis and she always got her hopes up that something was moving forward, but there was nothing. No substance at all.

“Are these actual adult men with responsibilities or are they children? I can’t figure it out,” she said to me.

I’ve always been fascinated, and disgusted, by the notion that in order to be happy, women need to be “maintained” in a sexual and/or romantic relationship. This kind of treatment of women is on par with our taking care of a car in need of an oil change or dealing with a wood deck in the backyard in need of a coat of varnish.

The concept of maintaining women is billed, through the conditioning our culture imposes on men, as a solution to keep women from being hysterical. According to mainstream social ideas, women are illogical and crazy when it comes to relationships and dating. Men engage in conscious maintenance as a way to “calm” women down so they can get what they want from their women partners (sex, attention, etc.).

This is why so many men are in a rush to cram their love and affection into holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. We don’t teach men or boys that day-to-day affection is equally, if not more important, than special dates.

And what has always been alarming to me is that this so-called maintenance of women has defined behavior that shouldn’t be considered “extra” in any kind of relationship or partnership. Acts of maintenance consist of behavior that should be inherent and the foundation of all relationships: basic human respect, affection and attention.

So, if men are taught about certain critical steps to keeping women happy, “duties” that are treated not as normal behavior, but as annoying, time-consuming steps, how does this make women feel?

My friends, who are or were dealing with e-maintaining, or even just dealing with good-old-fashioned maintaining, are left in a strange, emotional limbo. Women who are “maintained” by men, electronic or otherwise, are made to feel legitimate for short periods of time and then left to question their position with their partners, and sometimes themselves.

Are these women supposed to be happy with a guy who stays in touch every-so-often on his terms? Are they supposed to be satisfied when their spouse buys them an expensive piece of jewelry or remembers their anniversary? Even though their love and/or attention come in waves — inconsistent and sometimes abrupt — are my women friends ungrateful for expecting something more, something more substantial, something more basic? Does any form of maintaining make up for days, weeks, months, years of emotional silence from men?

We’ve always conditioned men to maintain women — this isn’t something new. What’s different is this “maintenance” has become completely electronic for some men, and the men doing the “maintaining” aren’t seeing or even making an effort to see the women they connecting with. Men are just texting, emailing or using social media to give the impression they are checking in or they care — in order to maintain these women.

For these men, the definition of “maintenance” has shifted from traditional strategies like sending gifts and engaging in the occasional dinner, drinks or movie, to this incredibly convenient and empty form of communication based on text messages, emails, and social media: e-maintaining. And it is a mode of communication that isn’t even based in reality.

For some of my women friends, this kind of texting/emailing communication was keeping them engaged until they discovered what e-maintaining really means.

Some of the men I spoke with didn’t even realize their e-maintaining of women was a pattern of behavior. Most of them admitted to doing it when they were bored: waiting at the doctor’s office, in bed at night when they couldn’t sleep, at the airport.

But many of these men knew exactly what they were doing.

“You can’t write about this, you are literally ruining the greatest scam of the century,” my friend Carlos told me over breakfast.

“What’s the scam?”

“I can keep these women satisfied by just texting or emailing. I don’t have to do anything else.”

“It’s like walking a dog, as soon as you do it, they just calm down,” a progressive friend (more on that later) told me via email that same day.

So why not move forward, especially if some of these women are willing to sleep with them?

“Its about options, possibilities,” a friend added.

“I do this because I don’t want to hear her bitching about how I just call about sex, so this way I have a history of having stayed in touch.”

My friend Josh gave an example, “Last Thanksgiving when everyone was out of town, I had someone to hookup with, we even went to the movies.”

In this age of digital communication (texting, Facebook, email), our way of connecting has obviously become more frivolous. While our random, electronic check-ins with friends are usually made with good intentions, the men who engage in e-maintaining don’t want to be friends with the women they text and email (the women don’t want friendship either), and more significantly, their texting is not filled with good intentions.

So, is e-maintaining ultimately about men and women placing different weight on communication? Do women believe that communication is about moving forward — are they being practical and mature? And do men see communication in this form in a more flippant manner, that it doesn’t necessarily lend legitimacy to their desired outcomes?

Is e-maintaining more evidence of gender imbalance in our culture? Does this virtual maintenance of women show the lack of respect our culture requires or expects men to have for women?

Last week, I checked in with Karen to see if she was still pining for Michael and frustrated by his e-maintaining.

She has moved on.

And from now on, Karen’s policy is very simple when it comes to communicating with the men she is interested in, “Where’s the beef?”

The lack of substance in an e-maintained relationship no longer satisfies her.

Yashar Ali is a Los Angeles-based columnist, commentator, and political veteran whose writings about women, gender inequality, political heroism, and society are showcased on his website, The Current Conscience. Please follow him on Twitter and join him on Facebook. 

He will be soon releasing our first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.

Related Posts:
He Doesn’t Deserve Your Validation: Putting The Fake Orgasm Out of Business
A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy

By Nicole Powers

As Americans, we like to think of ourselves as advanced and sophisticated as a society. Yet, when it comes to issues of gender equality the numbers don’t lie –– there’s no escaping the fact that we’re pretty damn backwards.

Women make up 51% of the US population, yet hold just 16.6% of the seats in Congress and 17% of those in the Senate. Indeed, we rank 90th in the world in terms of the proportion of women in national parliaments, below Afghanistan, Cuba, China, Ethiopia, Iraq, and the Sudan!

Furthermore, in America, just 3% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women. Similarly only 3% of positions of clout in the telecommunications, entertainment, publishing, and advertising industries are held by the fairer sex (pun intended). And this may be part of the problem, since those that are ultimately responsible for the aspirational messages we receive on a daily basis are predominantly male.

That’s not to say that the innate sexism that’s partly responsible for this power imbalance is necessarily malevolent or even intentional; the root of much of it is simply a lack of consciousness on all our parts. And to an extent, the state of play appears to be self-perpetuating, since a mere 16% of those responsible for Hollywood’s mass market dream machine (writers, directors, producers, cinematographers, and editors) are women, which in turn perhaps explains a similar lack of female protagonists/role models in feature films.

A much talked about new documentary, Miss Representation, which recently debuted on the OWN Network, does a very comprehensive job of exploring the underlying reasons for this vast leadership gender gap. The film features many prominent leading ladies including Nancy Pelosi, Condoleezza Rice, Dianne Feinstein, Gloria Steinem, Jane Fonda, Geena Davis, Rachel Maddow, Lisa Ling, and Katie Couric, whose powerful voices add strength to the message –– which is that a woman’s value is more than just the sum of her youth and beauty (as the mainstream media might have you believe).

SuicideGirls spoke with the driving force behind Miss Representation, Jennifer Siebel Newsom, who wrote, directed, and produced the exceptional cinematic gender essay. As a Stanford graduate, environmental and gender activist, actress, and mother –– who also happens to be the wife of the former Mayor of San Francisco, and current Lieutenant Governor of California, Gavin Newsom –- she’s had a front row seat watching what happens to women in power and how the media treats them, so perhaps has a greater understanding of the issues they face than most.

Read our exclusive interview with Jennifer Siebel Newsom on SuicideGirls.com.

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Yesenia and Atlea

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. I have been in a relationship now for about a year and a half. She is about to move into my house but we are both feeling somewhat hesitant. She is a wonderful person and we share such great times together. But, every time a relationship reaches this point, I feel like it is time to move on. I continually go through this same feeling throughout the course of my relationships and life, and I am starting to wonder if I can ever be happy with any one person or if I am bound to continually reject someone who loves me after a year or so with them?

Confused.

A: You will need to ask yourself some questions before making a decision. Are you afraid of commitment? Do you ‘settle’ for someone and hope for the best, later to realize the realtionship is empty? What are some key things that have kept you with her for this long?

Sometimes chemistry fades, and as much as you would like to be in love with that person, it may be out of your hands. Just be sure to rule out any other possibilities first. You may need some time to clear your head, alone. Think about why your past relationships did not work, and if it was something that could have been noticed earlier on. It would be hurtful to both of you if you stayed in a relationship only to escape the hurt of breaking up. That is not a life, and we only get one – so follow your heart.

Were things great until you two decided to move in together? The answer to that may help you understand your situation. Are you bored and looking for excitement? Maybe checking out new places together and trying new things in the bedroom will help. When things get too repetitive – they can cause your brain to freak out. It is important to keep things interesting, but feeling bored in a long-term relationship is normal. It is a common issue for couples around the world.

Try looking at old pictures of the two of you and see what emotions you get out of that. If you do end up moving in together, make sure you talk about what would happen if you two broke up. Decide who would move out, and who would continue to complete the lease – or maybe you would both pay to cancel the lease. Also, make sure it is an affordable position incase one has to pay it alone. This will help you not feel trapped and give you some breathing room.

Best of luck to you!

Just relax, kisses xxx

Yesenia

Q. Never in my life did I think that I would have an issue with finding a woman that was up for sex all the time. I’ve been dating my fiancé for a year now, engaged for about 5 months. We moved in together about 3 months ago. I am a very busy project manager for a construction company and put in at least 55-60 hours a week. She is taking her CPA exams right now, which is a real bear. To support her in her endeavor, I told her to not worry about ANY of the cooking, cleaning, or household tasks. I told her to focus solely on this ridiculous exam. So after I come home anywhere between 6 and 9 o’clock, cook dinner, clean up and get settled, I’m finally spent. 

Here’s the gist: Whether or not she leads on or not, I feel the constant burning and aching in her crotch from across the room to get fucked. I know that she’s always craving my cock. It’s never in question. This in itself is badass, however, it’s become exhausting. 



Pre-story: My last serious girlfriend of 3+ years was a little frigid, and used sex or the withholding of sex to her ends. It got to a point when we were living together that we might only have sex 2 or 3 times a month. At which point, I told her to kick rocks because she was essentially just a roommate. She used to say, like I’m starting to feel now, that because I was always ready to rock, that it felt like there was no intrigue or mystery to rolling in the hay. The irony for me is clear and present. 

I feel ashamed because I sometimes think that I enjoy giving myself a tug on SG more than I do having sex my very sexy fiancé. I think part of it is because the women on SG are unobtainable to me thus being more attractive to than my insatiably cock-hungry lady. I’m very attracted to my fiancé, but her constant attention and need to for sex has actually become a turn-off. I have pretty much told her everything I just expressed to you, but what do you say? 


A: First and foremost, you probably shouldn’t bother feeling ashamed about giving yourself some solo loving and enjoying it. What you do with your hands and body on your own time can be separate from your sexual life with a partner. Secondly, congrats on having already talked about the situation with her. You didn’t give me any details on how that conversation went, which could have kept me from making assumptions, but I’ll try my best at giving my advice.

You seem to indicate two separate reasons as to why her constant need is bothering you. First, you mention how hard you work and how much extra time you put in at home to help her out. Does this, on it’s own, cause you to be exhausted? You didn’t mention if she’s working on top of being in school, but even then, I think it’d be fair game to ask her to help out at least once or twice a week. This way, at least subconsciously, you don’t feel as much pressure and responsibility towards her and the promise you made to her to help her with school. This would make you feel like more like a team, and that synergy can help spark back appreciation and even sometimes desire with it. Also, your levels of exhaustion might be more balanced if she did a few more chores.

Sex, in itself, isn’t necessarily a reward. Since you do everything else, she could possibly see having sex as a way of letting you know how much she appreciates everything you do for her. But maybe that’s not exactly what you need. This, of course, is something you’ll have to find out and work through with her. Maybe the constant demand for sex, or satisfying your better half, is making you feel pressured into it and let’s just all agree here that sex and pressure are not to be used in the same sentence if the objective is having a good time.

The second reason you’re expressing here is that there might be a bit of a lack of desire on your part because sex is just too readily available. I mean there’s only so much free candy that can make you happy, right? Going from a past relationship where sex was the holy end to a ridiculous (and quite unfair, if she was holding out on you for her own means) quest, to a new relationship where it’s just so easy to get (even when you don’t want it) is tough! It’s hard for you to compare, and let’s face it, there are always things that we will compare. Not that this is necessarily an unhealthy thing, sometimes you learn from your mistakes but you need to remember them to be able to find a resolution best fitted for the situation at hand.

Let her know you need the chase. Tell her you’re still very much attracted to her, but you’d like to feel challenged at times. This might seem like an awkward thing to bring up, but it is the truth, and until she knows there’s no way she’ll be able to change that. Especially, like I mentioned before, if she thinks that this is what you’d want or expect. Maybe try playing some sex games, or introducing it in some other routine. Maybe don’t have sex every time she wants it, but take the time to appreciate the other parts of your bodies. Rediscover each other. Snuggle together without having the intention/pressure to fuck. But beforehand, make it clear to her that it’s not because you don’t appreciate sex with her, it’s more that you’d like some moments of pure intimacy with her and her body to just appreciate her as a whole.

Lastly, you mentioned that ‘whether she leads on or not’ you feel her constant need to get fucked. I can’t help but feel that unless she’s constantly asking and/or badgering you for it, maybe you’re actually putting a little too much pressure on yourself? Hopefully you’re not being your own enemy here, but it may be something to look into as well. In any case, take the time to find out how you both can work a schedule that leaves neither of you exhausted, and find a way to make sex and love part of the same whole. Sex should always be a fun adventure, so eliminate where the pressure’s coming from and the whole thing should work itself out.

Atlea

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Blogbot

This Sunday our very special guests will be Love Junkie author Rachel Resnick, dating expert Marni Kinrys (of the Wing Girl Method), and SG’s Red, White and Femme post-feminist sex & sexuality columnist Darrah de jour. They’ll be chatting with hosts Nicole Powers (SG’s Managing Editor) and Lacey Conner (our resident recovering reality TV star from VH1’s Rock of Love and Charm School) about the issues surrounding sex and love addiction. When is a healthy sex life beyond healthy? Are hopeless romantics really hopelessly deluding themselves? Is sex and love addiction really a disease? Can it be cured? If so, how? And can we all learn healthier dating habits by understanding the issues raised by sex and love addiction?

Tune in to the world’s leading naked radio show for two hours of totally awesome tunes and extreme conversation – and don’t let yo momma listen in!

Listen to SG Radio live Sunday night from 10 PM til Midnight on Indie1031.com

Got questions? Then dial our studio hotline digits this Sunday between 10 PM and midnight PST: 323-900-6012

And cyberstalk us on Facebook and Twitter.

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by Laurelin

I have a tattoo on my arm. Well, I have a lot of tattoos on my arm, but the focal point of the whole thing is a portrait of Anne Boleyn. People always ask me, “Why her? Didn’t she get her head chopped off?” Indeed, she did. But that’s not why I have it. Back in the 16th century in England women were expected to be beautiful and ladylike at all times, they were supposed to dance, sing, stitch, and take their place next to their husbands quietly, never betraying emotion, only smiling sweetly even during the worst pain. Anne is a constant reminder of that very behavior. She changed the course of history by never allowing her king to see weakness in spirit. Even after he sentenced her to death she still kept her head high. When I want to cry, I smile sweetly and never betray my feelings. Even when my heart is breaking or when I’m terrified, no one will ever know; I know my place and it’s to never falter.

I’ve always been a fan of the phrase “fake it ’til you make it.” If you act like you know what the hell is going, on people are more likely to think that you do. This can be applied to most any area of your life — most recently for me at work; a promotion at my music club in Boston finds me off the bar and in a brand spanking new manager role which leaves me terrified daily. I have no idea what I’m doing; all these fancy bands and employees now answer to me — I have never been in charge in my life! I just fake it. Act like I know what I’m doing, and it will all fall into place and one day I won’t have to act anymore, one day I really will be this boss lady.

This mantra can be applied to relationships as well. A recent breakup (yes, I know, another one) has left me slightly damaged. I don’t know exactly where it went wrong, but somewhere during our summer in the city we lost something, and it was too far gone to be repaired. Somehow the nights of drinking hadn’t led to those talks that bring people closer together, and instead of trying to fix it, we both allowed the rope to fray until finally, something snapped. We didn’t even have time to heal; working together only a day after the breakup was like rubbing salt into an open wound. I wanted to scream in everyone’s face as I smiled sweetly and took their drink order, “Do you know what this is doing to me?!” Never once did I stumble, and neither did he.

I don’t know if it’s hard for him to see me, and I wonder if he knows that every time I smile or laugh or even talk to him that it’s all an act, every move rehearsed, planned, like a puppet on a stage. I don’t hang out at our bar as much on my nights off, but when I do, every minute spent trying not to look at him feels like an hour. Whatever guy I’m talking to might as well be speaking French, that’s how much I’m paying attention. The room is nothing but a dull roar in the background of my mind, and all I am thinking is “don’t fall.”

There’s something to be said about the way I go about things. Maybe it’s not healthy, maybe it’s avoidance, running away, a sham. Who knows? Maybe this isn’t easy on him either, and watching me just go back to my single life is equally as trying on his shot nerves. I have no way of ever knowing. All I know is that every other time I have built this wall, one day, I wake up and I’m fine. By forcing this immediate friendship I am diving headfirst into daily trauma, but I am laying the groundwork for a normal future. I have no room in my life for hate, so even if I am bursting with anger he’ll never see it.

I know one day, just like all the rest of my ex’s, I will be able to call him a friend. One day I’ll be able to look at him and not have to fake a smile that will tug at the corners of lifeless eyes. One day I will walk into my music club and not shake after I interview an employee or ask a tour manager to please pay attention and sign this contract. Maybe this is life beyond the bar scene after all, being in control and in charge of work and my emotions even though I feel like running to the bathroom in tears. Maybe this is just growing up, accepting this feeling of being scared and alone but powering though because there is no other choice but to go on, no choice but to hold your head high and conquer anything because in this life failure is not an option.

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by Jensen

A column which highlights Suicide Girls and their fave groups.

This week, Jensen Suicide gives us the skinny on her healthy relationship with SG’s Online Dating Group.

Members: 924 / Comments: 4,938

• WHY DO YOU LOVE IT?: I’ve been doing the online dating thing for the latter part of this year, and it’s cool to chat about it with fellow SG internerds!


• DISCUSSION TIP: Don’t whine about never getting messages [unless you’re looking for profile help].
• BEST RANDOM QUOTE: 
: “hi since you’re horny will you have sex with me? We can get to know each other after!” And basically anything else in the “I fought the LOL and the LOL won” thread.


• MOST HEATED DISCUSSION THREAD: Things You Hate in Profiles.
• WHO’S WELCOME TO JOIN?: Everyone!

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