by Laurelin

God damn this blinking cursor in front of me, mocking me. Usually a blank page sits in front of me and I feel calm, able to take a deep breath and start over with a refined touch and total control over my words. But not lately. Now I feel so much anger and hurt that I can’t even see anything besides a black swirl, all my words pouring jumbled out of my bloodshot eyes. I’m tired. I’m tired of working six nights a week and two days, sometimes having a day off here and there to fulfill an obligation to someone else rather than myself. Rushing to the train, rushing to the next state, rushing to meet a deadline when all I want to do is collapse. I am just exhausted. And no one is here to catch me as I’m falling to sleep. No one is there when I wake up. How can someone be in a relationship and still feel so alone?

I always tell my friends that as happy as I am with this new guy, I can’t help but have this sinking feeling that it’s just going in a really odd direction. I spend a lot more time feeling alone, lonely and missing him, than I do happily next to him. Working at the bar doesn’t really allow much time for dating. We got to know one another at work. We talk about bartending. We talk about booze. We drink beer. We stay up late and drink. I wonder what would happen if someone removed beer and the bar. We would have…Nothing. Which means that essentially, we have nothing to stand on — it’s just liquid to stand in. It’s horrible to even type, but it’s been filling my head lately that what I have is simply nothing at all.

I got drunk the other night after my shift while he was working and with a little bit of liquid courage down the hatch I gave him a quick quiz. “We’ve been dating for three months,” I said. “What’s my favorite color?” He looked confused.

“Uh… red?” He said.

“No. It’s pink. But I guess you wouldn’t know that,” I said, turning up my nose. He looked baffled for a minute and then wandered off. I dropped the subject.

I try, I really do. What days off do we both have this week? Maybe we can fit in lunch one day before we go to work. For some reason, nothing ever seems to work besides work. How is it possible that one person in a relationship can be happy with only sharing smirks over a beer tap or holding hands after I finish day bar in the brief time before he comes on to work the night shift? Don’t people need to have sex, sleep in, go see movies, go to dinner, meet each other’s families? I can feel myself getting weaker, becoming someone who chases after someone else, and I can taste bile rising in the back of my throat — that girl makes me sick. I shouldn’t have to chase after anyone to spend time with me, especially someone who calls themselves my boyfriend. How did this happen? How did I become this person and how do I get rid of it? Make her go AWAY. This girl is not me.

Part of me just has to laugh about all of this. I was in a relationship and not the happiest. I got dumped, I was sad. I found the silver lining, started dating, met idiots. Met an idiot that I liked. Thought he was different, new relationship, new problems, not the happiest. Damn you bar scene, damn you. My head is spinning, and I keep thinking back to a few weeks ago when my roommate and I went to go see a psychic. I don’t really believe in that junk –– fate, dead spirits and energies and all that –– but I don’t exactly not believe in it either. So, if for $30 someone can talk to me about stuff I don’t understand, sure, let’s have at it.

The psychic was probably just over 30, a few years older than me. She said I was creative, and that I spent too much time dwelling on past relationships and that I needed to learn to let things go. (Who doesn’t that apply to.) Then she said she didn’t really understand my current relationship. She looked confused for a minute and said, “He doesn’t know you. He thinks he does, and he thinks you’re great. And you ARE great. But…he doesn’t really know why you’re great. It’s not going to last. You’re going to end it, and you’re going to say, ‘You’re not even going to miss ME,’ and he’s going to be so upset, but you’re right.”

I hate to base my argument on why a relationship should end on something a psychic told me. But it’s like…this stranger just added a strange validation to my argument. Nothing solid to stand on, only our bar scene. Beer. Late nights. Liquid. I don’t chase after anyone, it’s not my style. Running however, that’s right up my alley, and luckily, nothing runs better than liquid.

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by Daniel Robert Epstein

Irvine Welsh gained enormous notoriety (not to mention a huge cult following that overflowed into the mainstream) when the film adaptation of Trainspotting was released ten years ago. Since then he’’s written a number of other books chronicling the adventures of various fuckups, including a sequel to Trainspotting called Porno. Welsh has just released The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs, yet another narrative about fuckups — but this time it’s fuckups on their way up in the restaurant world. The protagonist is Danny Skinner, a restaurant health inspector who is also trying to figure out who his father is.

Read our exclusive interview with Irvine Welsh on SuicideGirls.com.

by Ryker Suicide

This is my favorite fish taco recipe. It’s a little labor intensive, but SO worth it! These are hands down the best fish tacos ever!

Ryker Suicide’s Mahi-Mahi Tacos with Red Cabbage Slaw, Avocado-Tomato Salsa and Pineapple Hot Sauce

Ingredients (makes 16 small tacos):

• 4 Mahi Filets (about 8-10 oz each)
• Salt and fresh ground pepper
• Citrus Vinaigrette (recipe follows)
• Corn Tortillas (or flour, whatever is your favorite)
• Red Cabbage Slaw (recipe follows)
• Avocado-Tomato Salsa (recipe follows)
• Pineapple Hot Sauce (recipe follows) or your favorite fruit infused store bought hot sauce

Preparation:
Preheat grill and brush filets with canola/vegetable oil and season with salt and pepper. Grill about 3-4 minutes each side. Remove from grill and sprinkle with Citrus Vinaigrette. Let rest for 5 minutes to let fish absorb vinaigrette and flake with fork.

Fill each tortilla with mahi, red cabbage slaw, avocado salsa, and drizzle with hot sauce.

Eat and enjoy!!
XOX

Citrus Vinaigrette Ingredients:

• 3/4 cup orange juice
• 1/4 cup lime juice
• 1 cup fresh basil leaves, chopped
• 1 cup fresh cilantro leaves
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 1 heaping tablespoon honey
• 1/2 cup canola oil

Preparation:
Combine ingredients in a blender and blend together.

Red Cabbage Slaw Ingredients:

• 1/4 cup rice vinegar
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 2 tablespoons canola oil
• 1/4 head red cabbage, finely shredded
• 1 large carrot, cut into fine julienne
• 1/4 cup chopped cilantro leaves
• Salt and pepper

Preparation:
Combine all ingredients in a bowl. Season with salt and pepper to taste

Tomato-Avocado Salsa Ingredients:

• 4 plum tomatoes, chopped
• 2 ripe Hass avocados, peeled, pitted and diced
• 1/2 small red onion, finely chopped
• 1 Serrano chili pepper, finely diced
• 1 to 2 limes, juiced
• 2 tablespoons canola oil
• 1 to 2 teaspoons honey
• 3 tablespoons chopped cilantro leaves
• Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Preparation:
Gently combine all ingredients in a bowl. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Pineapple Hot Sauce Ingredients

• 1 ripe pineapple, preferably Golden pineapple
• 2 tablespoons canola oil
• 1 large Spanish onion, coarsely chopped
• 1 container frozen pineapple puree, thawed
• 2 habanero chili peppers, chopped
• 1 cup rice wine vinegar
• Salt and pepper
• Honey

Preparation:
Grill pineapple and char. In a pan saute onions until translucent then add rice wine, and habanero. Cook for a few minutes, add puree and cook 5-10 minutes, then blend together with rest of ingredients.

Related Posts:
What’s Cooking In SG’s Kitchen? Mimmi Suicide’s Vegan Chili With Guacamole

by Blogbot

We asked our Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter friends if they preferred pie or cupcakes. Over 9,500 responses later, and the results are in…

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by Jensen

I tried to recreate these amazingly delicious mozzarella phyllo dough stick things from my favorite restaurant at a town I used to live in, and I failed miserably. Deciding I needed to try something different with my second roll of phyllo (fillo, whatever), I figured you can’t really fuck anything up when butter, chocolate, and peanut butter are involved. So I made up this baklava type concoction that would surely piss off any old Russian grandma. It’s super easy to make, you just have to be delicate with the dough. And it might be a little bit tedious.

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by Laurelin

I don’t like writing when I’m angry. I suppose there is technically something therapeutic about allowing the words to pour from your pen, furiously scribbled thoughts pressed hard into the paper rather than the controlled sentences I usually produce. I am never proud of what I write when I’m angry. I still do it every once in a while I guess; some things just need to be let out so they can be released and hopefully not felt anymore. I remember writing when my heart had been broken, when I was longing for something different, when I was so inspired by something beautiful or sad, but I do not write very often when I’m angry anymore.

When I was younger I was angry a lot. I was easily hurt and I wasn’t able to see the bigger picture. As I got older I developed a little more sense and realized that every little thing that happened would eventually pass. Each hurt that came to my life would make its mark, and each day after that it would hurt a little less, until one day it became just a memory. Some memories and aches are sharper than others, like remembering something terrible I said and didn’t mean makes me cringe, but you take it with a grain of salt. I learned to think before I speak, and that a heartfelt apology goes a long way.

Other memories, like songs, are different. There are some songs that invoke such powerful memories of certain places and people that when I close my eyes I can almost go back in time. I can smell, touch, hear certain things, some happy, some impossibly sad. When I hear “Hey, Jupiter” by Tori Amos I am 14 years old in a bed and breakfast in Stratford, England. I smell lavender on my pillow and in the sheets every time I move as I drift off to sleep. It was my last family vacation before my younger brother got really sick and the whole family was out, it was just me in this beautiful place. Lavender and Tori Amos always make me smile.

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by Mimmi Suicide

The Kitchen is one of the groups that most frequently comes up when I ask Suicide Girls to pick their fave SG hangouts for our ongoing ‘Group Therapy‘ series. We’ve therefore decided to start a new recipe column culled from the culinary brain trust in SG’s Kitchen. In this first post, smokin’ hot Mimmi Suicide shows us how to make her signature dish, Vegan Chili with Guacamole. – Nicole Powers, SG Ed

Mimmi Suicide’s Vegan Chili with Guacamole

This is Suicide Girl Mimmi. I love cooking, so I’m really excited about the new blog series! This recipe is for my go-to-meal and comfort food, which I have cooked many, many times. It was the first vegan meal I ever cooked, and is loved by my vegan and omnivore friends alike. Please note that, until now, this recipe has only existed in my head, so I hope the measurements all work out 😉

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