by Laurelin

I was sitting at the bar tonight with a few friends, waiting for my boyfriend, like always. He said he might come out, but I knew he wouldn’t. It was his birthday, and he wasn’t coming. We had had a great night out the night before, but still, I always said a relationship can be measured by the amount of time I spend looking towards the door, waiting for you to walk through it. With him, I do it a lot. In the beginning he would always come, now, not so much. I’m lonely a lot; I spend most nights alone, missing him.

It’s always the nights that you’re most vulnerable that something odd happens, and tonight was no different. My ex boyfriend walked though that door and I could have cried. All I have been thinking lately is how even though he and I were wrong for one another, he was still always there for me. Every night he eagerly came home, and, even after we knew we weren’t in love with one another anymore, he still came home and held me, still wanted to be around me all the time. We were best friends. Part of us will always be just that, no matter how much time goes by.

He had been drinking, I could tell the second he motioned me to join him at a table for two. He hugged me for a little too long and then leaned over. “I’m leaving soon, —-” he said, calling me by our pet name for one another. “I’m moving to LA, and I’m going this week. I’m not telling anyone but you, because you’re the only person I’ve ever cared about.”

A million things run through my mind before I can answer. I can’t imagine this bar scene without him. It’s true, I have created my own name in Boston, especially in the past year, but parts of him linger everywhere I go. “Bittersweet,” I think. We don’t talk much anymore, he and I. But I know that I will miss him impossibly once I know he’s gone.

He grabs my hand and leads me to the jukebox; he always wants to monopolize the music when he’s been drinking. “What do you want to hear?” he asks, and starts punching in letters before I can even answer. “I know,” he says. He plays Pearl Jam’s “Black,” Tom Petty’s “Even the Losers,” Adele’s “Right As Rain,” and Eddie Vedder’s “Hard Sun.” My songs. I look towards the door and glance at my cell phone one last time, knowing my boyfriend isn’t coming, wondering about this guy I’m with who knows me better than I know myself. I know I’ll walk home alone and sleep alone again tonight, and I know my ex has nowhere to stay until he leaves for L.A. I wait until the last of the songs play, and I go to leave.

“This might be the last time we’re out together,” my ex says.

I manage a smile. “Don’t say that,” I say. “I’ll come see you.”

“I hope so,” he says, his hand resting on my waist for just a moment. “Goodbye.”

I leave, alone, and don’t look back. I walk home slowly, and I linger on the pedestrian footbridge overlooking the city lights. Boston is glowing, and everything falls silent. I want to cry but no tears come; I don’t know how I got here, or where to go next. I could stand here and watch the skyline for hours, but I don’t. My cell phone buzzes in my pocket. It’s my boyfriend, saying he’s going to bed. “I’m sorry,” he says, for what seems like the 100th time.

“I’m sorry too,” I think, before turning away from the city lights and heading for home.

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by Annarose

A column which highlights some of SG’s fave watering holes and the house specialities served up in them. This week we pull up a stool at Denver’s Goosetown Tavern…

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by Tovi

A column which highlights Suicide Girls and their fave groups.

This week, Tovi Suicide takes a look at what’s cookin’ in SG’s Veggie Group.

Members: 4,336 / Comments: 32,525

• WHY DO YOU LOVE IT?: I can always find some great recipes and inspirations in the “What I made for dinner” thread, and usually see pictures of what other vegetarians are eating! I get hungry every time I scroll through it.
• DISCUSSION TIP: Include pictures! We eat with our eyes, whether you are veggie or carnivorous.
• BEST RANDOM QUOTE: “You can catch more flies with agave nectar than with vinegar.”


• MOST HEATED DISCUSSION THREAD: Definitely the “Vegetarians don’t eat meat” thread. There is a lot of debate about what qualifies as vegetarian. I think there is probably nothing more annoying to a vegetarian than someone who claims to be veggie even though they eat chicken or fish. There are quite a few misconceptions about the term vegetarian; Just the other night my waiter asked me “So, do you eat fish then?” after I asked for a veggie menu.


• WHO’S WELCOME TO JOIN?: Anyone who doesn’t eat meat!

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by Laurelin

God damn this blinking cursor in front of me, mocking me. Usually a blank page sits in front of me and I feel calm, able to take a deep breath and start over with a refined touch and total control over my words. But not lately. Now I feel so much anger and hurt that I can’t even see anything besides a black swirl, all my words pouring jumbled out of my bloodshot eyes. I’m tired. I’m tired of working six nights a week and two days, sometimes having a day off here and there to fulfill an obligation to someone else rather than myself. Rushing to the train, rushing to the next state, rushing to meet a deadline when all I want to do is collapse. I am just exhausted. And no one is here to catch me as I’m falling to sleep. No one is there when I wake up. How can someone be in a relationship and still feel so alone?

I always tell my friends that as happy as I am with this new guy, I can’t help but have this sinking feeling that it’s just going in a really odd direction. I spend a lot more time feeling alone, lonely and missing him, than I do happily next to him. Working at the bar doesn’t really allow much time for dating. We got to know one another at work. We talk about bartending. We talk about booze. We drink beer. We stay up late and drink. I wonder what would happen if someone removed beer and the bar. We would have…Nothing. Which means that essentially, we have nothing to stand on — it’s just liquid to stand in. It’s horrible to even type, but it’s been filling my head lately that what I have is simply nothing at all.

I got drunk the other night after my shift while he was working and with a little bit of liquid courage down the hatch I gave him a quick quiz. “We’ve been dating for three months,” I said. “What’s my favorite color?” He looked confused.

“Uh… red?” He said.

“No. It’s pink. But I guess you wouldn’t know that,” I said, turning up my nose. He looked baffled for a minute and then wandered off. I dropped the subject.

I try, I really do. What days off do we both have this week? Maybe we can fit in lunch one day before we go to work. For some reason, nothing ever seems to work besides work. How is it possible that one person in a relationship can be happy with only sharing smirks over a beer tap or holding hands after I finish day bar in the brief time before he comes on to work the night shift? Don’t people need to have sex, sleep in, go see movies, go to dinner, meet each other’s families? I can feel myself getting weaker, becoming someone who chases after someone else, and I can taste bile rising in the back of my throat — that girl makes me sick. I shouldn’t have to chase after anyone to spend time with me, especially someone who calls themselves my boyfriend. How did this happen? How did I become this person and how do I get rid of it? Make her go AWAY. This girl is not me.

Part of me just has to laugh about all of this. I was in a relationship and not the happiest. I got dumped, I was sad. I found the silver lining, started dating, met idiots. Met an idiot that I liked. Thought he was different, new relationship, new problems, not the happiest. Damn you bar scene, damn you. My head is spinning, and I keep thinking back to a few weeks ago when my roommate and I went to go see a psychic. I don’t really believe in that junk –– fate, dead spirits and energies and all that –– but I don’t exactly not believe in it either. So, if for $30 someone can talk to me about stuff I don’t understand, sure, let’s have at it.

The psychic was probably just over 30, a few years older than me. She said I was creative, and that I spent too much time dwelling on past relationships and that I needed to learn to let things go. (Who doesn’t that apply to.) Then she said she didn’t really understand my current relationship. She looked confused for a minute and said, “He doesn’t know you. He thinks he does, and he thinks you’re great. And you ARE great. But…he doesn’t really know why you’re great. It’s not going to last. You’re going to end it, and you’re going to say, ‘You’re not even going to miss ME,’ and he’s going to be so upset, but you’re right.”

I hate to base my argument on why a relationship should end on something a psychic told me. But it’s like…this stranger just added a strange validation to my argument. Nothing solid to stand on, only our bar scene. Beer. Late nights. Liquid. I don’t chase after anyone, it’s not my style. Running however, that’s right up my alley, and luckily, nothing runs better than liquid.

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by Ryker Suicide

This is my favorite fish taco recipe. It’s a little labor intensive, but SO worth it! These are hands down the best fish tacos ever!

Ryker Suicide’s Mahi-Mahi Tacos with Red Cabbage Slaw, Avocado-Tomato Salsa and Pineapple Hot Sauce

Ingredients (makes 16 small tacos):

• 4 Mahi Filets (about 8-10 oz each)
• Salt and fresh ground pepper
• Citrus Vinaigrette (recipe follows)
• Corn Tortillas (or flour, whatever is your favorite)
• Red Cabbage Slaw (recipe follows)
• Avocado-Tomato Salsa (recipe follows)
• Pineapple Hot Sauce (recipe follows) or your favorite fruit infused store bought hot sauce

Preparation:
Preheat grill and brush filets with canola/vegetable oil and season with salt and pepper. Grill about 3-4 minutes each side. Remove from grill and sprinkle with Citrus Vinaigrette. Let rest for 5 minutes to let fish absorb vinaigrette and flake with fork.

Fill each tortilla with mahi, red cabbage slaw, avocado salsa, and drizzle with hot sauce.

Eat and enjoy!!
XOX

Citrus Vinaigrette Ingredients:

• 3/4 cup orange juice
• 1/4 cup lime juice
• 1 cup fresh basil leaves, chopped
• 1 cup fresh cilantro leaves
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 1 heaping tablespoon honey
• 1/2 cup canola oil

Preparation:
Combine ingredients in a blender and blend together.

Red Cabbage Slaw Ingredients:

• 1/4 cup rice vinegar
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 2 tablespoons canola oil
• 1/4 head red cabbage, finely shredded
• 1 large carrot, cut into fine julienne
• 1/4 cup chopped cilantro leaves
• Salt and pepper

Preparation:
Combine all ingredients in a bowl. Season with salt and pepper to taste

Tomato-Avocado Salsa Ingredients:

• 4 plum tomatoes, chopped
• 2 ripe Hass avocados, peeled, pitted and diced
• 1/2 small red onion, finely chopped
• 1 Serrano chili pepper, finely diced
• 1 to 2 limes, juiced
• 2 tablespoons canola oil
• 1 to 2 teaspoons honey
• 3 tablespoons chopped cilantro leaves
• Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Preparation:
Gently combine all ingredients in a bowl. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Pineapple Hot Sauce Ingredients

• 1 ripe pineapple, preferably Golden pineapple
• 2 tablespoons canola oil
• 1 large Spanish onion, coarsely chopped
• 1 container frozen pineapple puree, thawed
• 2 habanero chili peppers, chopped
• 1 cup rice wine vinegar
• Salt and pepper
• Honey

Preparation:
Grill pineapple and char. In a pan saute onions until translucent then add rice wine, and habanero. Cook for a few minutes, add puree and cook 5-10 minutes, then blend together with rest of ingredients.

Related Posts:
What’s Cooking In SG’s Kitchen? Mimmi Suicide’s Vegan Chili With Guacamole

by Jensen

I tried to recreate these amazingly delicious mozzarella phyllo dough stick things from my favorite restaurant at a town I used to live in, and I failed miserably. Deciding I needed to try something different with my second roll of phyllo (fillo, whatever), I figured you can’t really fuck anything up when butter, chocolate, and peanut butter are involved. So I made up this baklava type concoction that would surely piss off any old Russian grandma. It’s super easy to make, you just have to be delicate with the dough. And it might be a little bit tedious.

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by Laurelin

I don’t like writing when I’m angry. I suppose there is technically something therapeutic about allowing the words to pour from your pen, furiously scribbled thoughts pressed hard into the paper rather than the controlled sentences I usually produce. I am never proud of what I write when I’m angry. I still do it every once in a while I guess; some things just need to be let out so they can be released and hopefully not felt anymore. I remember writing when my heart had been broken, when I was longing for something different, when I was so inspired by something beautiful or sad, but I do not write very often when I’m angry anymore.

When I was younger I was angry a lot. I was easily hurt and I wasn’t able to see the bigger picture. As I got older I developed a little more sense and realized that every little thing that happened would eventually pass. Each hurt that came to my life would make its mark, and each day after that it would hurt a little less, until one day it became just a memory. Some memories and aches are sharper than others, like remembering something terrible I said and didn’t mean makes me cringe, but you take it with a grain of salt. I learned to think before I speak, and that a heartfelt apology goes a long way.

Other memories, like songs, are different. There are some songs that invoke such powerful memories of certain places and people that when I close my eyes I can almost go back in time. I can smell, touch, hear certain things, some happy, some impossibly sad. When I hear “Hey, Jupiter” by Tori Amos I am 14 years old in a bed and breakfast in Stratford, England. I smell lavender on my pillow and in the sheets every time I move as I drift off to sleep. It was my last family vacation before my younger brother got really sick and the whole family was out, it was just me in this beautiful place. Lavender and Tori Amos always make me smile.

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