by Bradley Suicide

I, like so many of us, grew up loving ‘80s classics. The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Saint Elmo’s Fire, on and on. I could recite these movies word for word, line by line when I was growing up, and to tell you the truth, still can.

The movie that took the cake for me was, by far, Sixteen Candles. Something about it captivated me. And of course, I was enthralled with the smoldering and sexy Jake Ryan, just like almost every other girl. With that amazing bone structure and those perfectly gorgeous piercing bedroom eyes, he had my heart beating out of control (I have to pause and take a moment).

In case you live under a rock and haven’t seen Sixteen Candles, I will take this opportunity to tell you to pause your reading and pick up where you’ve left off once you have watched every amazingly corny moment of it in its entirety.

The other day this slice of ‘80s awesomeness was on TV so I flipped it on while I got ready for work. Somewhere towards the end of the movie between when Samantha’s sister is in the middle of her drug induced nuptials and when that limo pulls away revealing the ever breathtaking Jake sitting there waiting for Samantha it hit me, Jake Ryan was a douche bag.

Plain and simple.

After carefully mulling over the key moments in the film that led me to this conclusion, I was dumbfounded that it had taken me so long to realize this. Between throwing a Project X style party and destroying his parents home, being an asshole to his girlfriend, then basically pimping her out in a rufied state to some random dude he doesn’t know, and lending a kid without a license his dad’s Rolls Royce…well I am pretty sure all of that has nut sack written all over it. The cherry on top of all of it is that horrible scene where Jake and his friend appear to be doing innumerous pull-ups, only when the camera to pans out you realize that in true bro fashion they have been standing on the ground the whole time thinking they are hot shit. Watching it now, it kind of reminds me of Mike “The Situation” from Jersey Shore!

Long after the candles on the cardboard cake had been blown out and the credits had rolled, I was still reeling. I began looking at the guys that I am attracted to and re-evaluating the relationships that I have had, both short and long, with this new epiphany in mind. And then, Doh! Facepalm! The pieces fell into place. Things like this are the reason I, and so many other girls, like assholes. We are conditioned to like the guy that is a complete douche at times because it has been beaten into us since our youth. Not to say there isn’t other conditioning that I am sure is involved, but humor me here.

On top of it all, and I am sure people are going to rip me a new one for this, but the ending of this movie is so far from the scope of reality that it’s insane. When on earth has this happened? In a high school setting, when has the smoldering, popular, sexy as all hell dude ever left his perfect ten girlfriend for a chick that he doesn’t know and that is by no means bad looking but definitely wouldn’t turn your head? Never. It doesn’t happen. Berate me all you want for this, but you cannot say that I am wrong. (I didn’t blossom until after high school and was very awkward for most of it, so I was definitely on the plain side of that coin.)

And I know it isn’t just me that this crap has subconsciously affected, go ahead and flip on the radio to Taylor Swift, her songs are all filled with this exact scenario, which in turn is screwing over yet another generation of females who are being set up with the same recipe for heartache and disaster that Sixteen Candles so generously left my generation. It’s a vicious cycle.

Now that I have come to this conclusion, I can actively work on trying to pick better dudes. Like guys that treat me well, who don’t pimp me out to people when I’m inebriated, and who actually can do pull-ups. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, but thus far this seems to be a pretty tall order.

And there you have it, my Jake Ryan theory.

You’re welcome.

Xoxo
Bradley

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by SG’s Team Agony feat. Sassie

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I have this problem with my boyfriend. We have been together for over a year now, but last time he was here (I’m from Norway, he lives in the US), I was texting with one of my friends from his phone when a message popped up from one of his friends. I didn’t think anything of it so I looked at it, but on that text, she told him how much she missed him, and if he was coming back from “the bitch” soon. That got me curious, so I read some of the others. It turns out they have been texting about intimate stuff between them and about what a bitch/how horrible I am for months.

I really don’t know how to handle this because I really love him. And he doesn’t seem any different around me. He is as he always has been. So I’m wondering if he is just manipulating her, or if he means it. Either way, it’s unacceptable. Any idea how I can bring this up or what I should do?

A: I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that it is unacceptable. Regardless of his intentions, this is no way for anyone to behave. But I understand this must be very confusing for you. I will never understand why someone will put so much into a relationship, for example flying all the way from the US to Norway to see a person, just to talk shit about them behind their back. It really doesn’t make any sense. Another thing that I’m perturbed about is that he let you use his phone knowing that those messages were on there? He’s not even trying to cover his ass! Either he is just not very smart when it comes to cheating, or he wanted you to find out. Maybe he wasn’t man enough to break it off himself. I really don’t know.

If this other girl that was texting him truly was just a friend, he should be defending you when she called you a bitch. But you also said they were sharing intimate details, so do you think they are involved in a sexual relationship? I know long distance relationships can be hard, and cheating is probably more prevalent in them. I’m not saying this is an excuse for him, just saying it’s common unfortunately. He doesn’t seem any different around you because he is manipulating you. He wants the best of both worlds. He is probably manipulating this other girl in some way too, and is likely deliberately using his so-called “problems” with you to bond with her. She doesn’t seem to have much respect for herself in the first place if she is knowingly the “other woman”.

I know that you love him, but I only see a few options with this one. You could confront him, see what his side of the story is, and decide if that is acceptable enough for you to forgive him. But in my honest opinion, I really don’t see how there could be any acceptable reason for any of his actions. You don’t deserve to be treated that way. It’s hard to believe, but there are actually good guys out there that don’t cheat, and that will take care of you and worship the ground that you walk on. Why settle for this jerk? I say let him know that you found him out and end it. I wish you luck.

Sassie!

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

I am almost thirty. Thirty. Three- mother-fucking-zero. This age to me seems….crazy. Crazy like, “this could never happen to me” crazy. Think back. No matter what age you are, think back. When I was younger, I looked at thirty and I thought: married with children, steady job, steady paycheck, pets, house – I thought anything but what I have now. I thought that everything, EVERYTHING would be different.

The worst thing is that I watched it happen. I watched my best friends grow up. I saw every girl who was made fun of, every girl who was left behind, every girl who was too chubby, too silly, too crazy… I watched them all grow up, and eventually, I was left behind. I was always in their weddings and always, I was the one who never grew up. The girl voted “most likely to marry a frat boy” all four years of college was in the end, the one who no one wanted to marry.

And now, thirty. My friends have all been married for years, some with children, and all the while I feel so free and yet so alone…

I ran into an older man at a bar I frequent about a month ago.

“What do you do, “ he asked me, and I wondered if he really cared or if he was just hitting on me.

“Um…” I said, “Well, I went to school for archaeology, but I guess I’m a bartender… or a writer.”

“Well which is it?” he said.

“Honestly?” I replied, “Well, I like bartending. I love writing, and I love archaeology. I make money doing only one.”

“I loved playing the guitar,” he said, looking over at the cover band playing in the corner. “I never stuck with it, and I always wished I had. It just… got away from me, and now I feel it’s too late.” He looked so sad then, and I suddenly didn’t feel so old.

“You’re never too old to learn something,” I said. “Take Beck Weathers for example; the man learned to climb mountains when he was thirty years old- he wanted to make something of himself, and at thirty he changed the path of his whole life and he eventually climbed Everest—fucking Everest, the highest mountain in the world. And he started climbing at thirty,” I said, talking to the man but thinking about myself. The man looked at me with such wonder, and every time I see him now I am reminded of that, although every time I see him he is no closer to the guitar, and I am no closer to climbing anything besides into bed at night.

Looking at that, I am aware that things can seem so lost and yet, I am aware that I can still accomplish so much and that now, even at thirty, I shouldn’t be afraid to simply try.

I am almost thirty. I have always hated my body. Now, I am on week five of belonging to Rugged Crossfit, and I can honestly say that I am conscious of what goes into my body and what effort I put into making it look the way it does. I have always complained about the way I look, and I am suddenly acutely aware that if I want a change in my body I can only make it look the way I want through hard work. I am almost thirty, and I am sick of being unhappy with the way I look.

My heart for the past year has been selfishly locked away, kept only for someone who didn’t deserve it, and held only for someone who never knew me. I held onto something for a little while; something that for some reason festered in me like a disease, something that grew in me like mold until I could do nothing but crumble.

Now I look at that girl and I can’t help but laugh. She is so close but yet so far… if I reach my hand out, I can touch her; that scared girl still comparing herself to all those she left behind. If I reach my other hand out I see another girl; one who knows what she wants. One who is in control of her mind and her body. When I reach my other hand out I see a girl who is finally, finally… almost thirty.

[..]

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Kurosune

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I broke up with my fiancée this past February. It wasn’t has hard as it could be, which I guess speaks volumes about where the relationship actually was. The problem is now I’m having a lot of trouble meeting women. My location doesn’t help matters. I live in Prince Edward Island, Canada, which has a total population of less than 150,000. That’s right, an entire province with a population smaller than most cities. But it’s also a problem where I’m also pretty geeky. I love sci-fi, anime and games. I’ve tried online dating, but the fact that I’m writing this answers the question of how well that worked lol. I don’t drink, so I don’t go to bars. I guess my overall question would be: what other venues are there to meet women?

A: The first thing I noticed was that you said, “It wasn’t as hard as it could be.” Now, with that being said, are you sure you want to get back into a relationship so soon? Okay, yeah, Feb’s way past now, but dating often leads to something more serious and you should be sure you are ready to get into that, assuming that’s what you’re looking for. Relationships take work, and while I have no clue what the background is to what ended things with your fiancé, I would advise that you tread carefully, especially if you have a tendency to look for the “easy way out” of serious things. If you’re looking for a relationship, you had better be sure you’re ready for one. On the other hand, if you’re just looking for some bootay, that’s fine too, but be honest with yourself and those you meet.

That being said, speaking as a nerd myself, I will say we geeky gals aren’t an easy lay. I know I won’t let a guy anywhere NEAR my Pikachu panties unless he can recite all 151 original Pokémon – backwards – so I can understand how hard it is being a nerd in your neck of the woods. Do you travel often? There are some great conventions in Canada that could be a lot of fun and great for meeting like-minded people.

This is a link to a calendar of every large anime/gamer convention that happens in Canada. It’s definitely a great place to start if you are looking for love in all of nerdy places! I can vouch for the fact that there’s nothing more romantic than an unexpected moment when you happen to be nose-deep in your favorite manga or looking at some anime in the dealer’s room, only to reach for it and have your hand brush against that of a fellow con-goer who just happened to be reaching for the same manga/comic/video game as you. Your eyes meet, sparks fly…

Ah, l’amour.

So best of luck! There’s also lots of dating sites geared towards us geeks and anime lovers. Embrace your nerdiness, and find someone to embrace it with you.

Best of luck, friend. You can do it!

Kisses, Kurosune
XOX

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rydell

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: Do you have advice for me about how to make the first move (make contact) and let a nice girl know that I really like her. I’m a little bit unsure because I’m in a wheelchair. She’s not. I just don’t want her to reject me right away only because I’m in a wheelchair. Can you give me advise on how to make a good first impression?

A: Well my advice to you is don’t go into this looking at the end result. Don’t focus on that fact you want a relationship from this girl, but instead break it down. First just make contact and strike up a conversation. Let that be your first goal. ‘Cause if it doesn’t go any farther than that, then there’s no disappointment and no expectations from her on your side.

Then look at building a casual acquaintance, which has the potential in time to grow into a friendship with this girl and build on that. As you and her become more comfortable with each other, you can get to know her as a person and vice versa, and see if you really want something more. If so, then you already laid the groundwork for a solid relationship.

As far as making initial contact with her, just be yourself, confidence is a must. If you don’t feel it, fake it. Be the smart, witty, charming, funny person you have inside and let it show. If you don’t think of yourself as being at a disadvantage compared to other guys, then she wont see that either. Go into it thinking you’re the greatest guy out there, and she will see that. And honestly, if she can’t overlook some metal between your legs, then she isn’t someone worthy of your time!

Good luck and keep me posted on it!

<3 Rydell

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

“Those guys, they just want to fuck you,” Jason had said, his finger jabbing into my shoulder again and again. I was so mad I could have broken it clean off.

“You don’t even know them,” I hissed back, making him even angrier. He scared me when he was angry, but he never hit me, although as the years went by I would come to find out that he would hit others that came after me. But even standing my ground he scared me; he had this power over me and for some strange reason, I couldn’t stand the thought of losing him. He kept me close, like a dog chained in a dirt yard on a run, allowed to run sometimes but ultimately, never allowed to leave the yard.

He made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, and I remember thinking that I could die right there in his arms and be happy with everything I never did. But there was always the issue of my friends. While I was in college I became closer with all the men in the fraternity up the street, some even more so than my own sorority sisters. In the beginning of my relationship they were happy for me – I talked about Jason and I glowed, and they were shocked that someone had finally tamed me. Jason didn’t feel the same way about the guys I called my brothers. He knew how wild we all were, and he was convinced they all had ulterior motives.

“Those guys are NOT your friends, Laurelin. They want to have sex with you. Get it through your head, you are NOT spending anymore time with them,” he had said, and while I always fought back I eventually quieted, and instead of driving back home I always stayed with Jason. Soon my friends started calling, each call or text making Jason angry. They missed me, was I ever coming home? Why was I ignoring their calls? When could they meet Jason? But he wouldn’t meet them; a firm believer that guys and girls could never be just friends.

In the end, Jason didn’t last, thank god. When I finally broke away from him my friends were so glad, and I saw what it was like when a relationship takes over and a girl turns a blind eye to friendships in favor of a man. All these years later these boys are still my brothers, platonic, the best friends I have ever had through thick and thin, and Jason’s name hardly ever crosses my lips.

One of my closest friends in Boston is also a guy; he’s usually the first person I talk to in the morning and the last person I talk to at night before I fall asleep around 5 AM. We go to dinner, get drinks, go to movies, he thinks my last boyfriend was the dumbest guy on the face of the planet and when I was having trouble getting over it no one helped like he did:

“Laurelin, the kid is a loser. Do you really want people meeting your guys to be like, ‘Man, that chick is the coolest girl ever, but her boyfriend is a fucking tool.’ Stop crying, Jesus, pull it together.”

My friends and co-workers seem to think otherwise.

“You’re going to marry him,” they tease, and I think of Jason, his mouth set in a line, always so angry at the preposterous idea that not every guy just wants to bang me. I’ve quit trying to explain to everyone that sometimes, just sometimes…we really are just friends.

[..]

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Jeckyl

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: My girlfriend and I recently moved in together and everything was wonderful. Then, just over a month ago, a close friend of hers passed away. Since then, she has been sending slightly mixed signals that she wants us to some day get engaged and that she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. However, she is nowhere near as affectionate as she used to be and is very irritable. I have tried talking to her about it, but it gets turned around and made into my fault. Is this the grief she is going through talking? Should I be worried that she is going to leave or that I’m not enough for her anymore?

Scared Lover from South Africa

A: First of all, my deepest condolences. I can’t imagine the pain and confusion you’re both experiencing right now.Grief is a complicated process and, after just a month, I’m afraid to say she’s barely scraped the tip of the iceberg here. You need to be patient. Death is a hard pill to swallow and she really needs you to be strong for her during this time. She is going to be extremely emotionally confused and you just need to go with it. Laugh with her when she’s happy, comfort her when she’s sad, and don’t expect her to make any sense for a while.


Her on-and-off behavior towards you may be just another way that she’s experiencing grieving. She’s realizing how short life is, so she wants to make that commitment. But she’s also experiencing the pain of losing someone so she’s likely terrified of going through it again. This could explain her bouts of coldness. Give her a few months to somewhat heal before having any kind of major relationship-changing discussion with her. She’s really not in any position to be making life-altering decisions right now.


I understand that her grief is taking a strain on you, and my heart really does go out to you, but you need to try and keep it together, for her sake. This really isn’t the best time to be confrontational. They say sometimes you have to put up with the rain in order to truly appreciate the rainbow, take this as a test of the strength of your relationship. If you can make it through this, you can make it through anything. And, honestly, the best thing you can do for her right now is to treat her the same way you always have, let her know she’s loved and that she isn’t alone.


How you proceed after this speed-bump is up to you, but I sincerely hope that your relationship manages to weather this storm intact.

Best of luck to both of you.

Jeckyl

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com