by Darrah de jour

Just last week, New Jersey state senate candidate Phil Mitsch got in hot water for relegating his Tweet Deck to a Rules-esque motherboard. Forking up some much-needed dating advice to us ladies, he tweeted: “Women, you increase your odds of keeping your men by being faithful, a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom.”

Now, people take to their social networks for a plethora of non-job-related things, including break-up announcements, play-by-plays of their nightly bar-hopping, or the new celeb fave –– the topless back shot. (Because I was having trouble sleeping before I knew that Demi Moore’s spine was, in fact, perfectly aligned.) So, in this post-Weiner world of penis-shaped chirps and pep talks like ex-IBM manager Joe Acuri’s alleged “get your boobies out and get sales” good-natured goad, is it surprising that a Republican runner uses his God-given patriarchal right to tweet to remind women that, at the end of the day, we are glorified school girls, maids, and hookers?

Unfortunately, the good girl/bad girl scenario, along with all of its glorious limitations, is still a pervasive tool used to denigrate the fairer sex and control women’s sexual prowess, and essentially, put us on mute.

In his defense, he did give men a similar maxim, offering them advice on how to keep their women by “being faithful, a gentleman in the living room and a stud in the bedroom.” Here’s the issue many women have raised: there really are no male equivalents to the word whore. And here’s why: men’s sexuality is celebrated. Women’s is not.

We are constantly convinced –– by media images, by social banter, by office politics, by government politics, by social politics, by gender politics –– that we are pleasurable tools for the male orgasm. We are pushed around, pleaded with, spread thin, paraded, scrutinized, insulted, disrespected, hushed, ignored, manipulated, blamed and won over because we simply don’t understand what it’s like to be “so horny” all of the time.

Here’s my question: if men have this ridiculous, unquenchable, non-stop, life-assaulting, all-consuming, never-ending sensual drive, need and extra energy –– why isn’t it being spent trying to make our lives easier? Why isn’t it used to arouse us to the level of desire they are living with? Why isn’t it lavished on us so that we can reach daily orgasm? Instead, women are society’s geishas.

For example, if I had an insane day of never-ending phone calls, job assignments, housework, personal preening, fires to put out, etc. and then came home to find that my partner had had a breezier day, wouldn’t it make more sense for him to coddle me versus the other way around? The same can be said of this seemingly invisible sex drive that women are supposedly inflicted with.

Only, we actually have a similar drive for sex. We just happen to be more discerning in wielding it. Plus, we are so sick of religion, patriarchy and men’s judgments that sometimes it’s hard to get it up. (Not to mention, some of us are actually still brain-washed by these factors.) We are so up in our heads about it that sex has become this suppressed, twisty, confusing, numbing, crazy manipulation that we sometimes use against y’all. Or each other. Women –– I’m not counting us out. I’ve never been so judged by anyone than I have been by other women; because really, by society’s standards –– I’m a nymphomaniac. (And proud of it.)

I love sex and sensuality and porn and by-products of estrogen, testosterone, aphrodisiacs and sex-related endorphins so much that, really, some days, it’s all I friggin’ think about. I masturbate three times a day some days. I use dating sites like Facebook. I have at least five guys I can call on any given night to hitch a ride on my shooting star, and leave promptly after. Plus, I’m in my early-30s, and supposedly at my sexual peak. This is my excuse for a high-sex drive. Because, here’s the thing – apparently, I need one.

I need an excuse because I have a vagina.

A few tid-bits about me: I began masturbating at age 9. I realized I was bisexual at 12. I began having fantasies about older men, leather-clad women and bondage and dominance before I took my SAT’s. I have more lingerie and sex toys than a Manhattan hooker.

But, I’m also picky as fuck. I have had half the sex partners of any New York Magazine Sex Diarist. My imagination is my greatest weapon against pregnancy and a loose vag.

And my girl friends? They are amazing. Open-minded, lovely, sexual, fun and cool as long as I don’t talk too loud or too much about being a single, sexy, smart L.A. gal. It’s OK as long as it’s in the front room closet.

Shit I Don’t Understand

While I love the altruism in Mitsch’s age-old adage (who, according to his website, is a “mortgage expert” not Dr. Ruth), the problem herein lies with the complexity of the human condition. Men’s sexuality to be more exact.

While it’s a fact that both women and men cheat, for the sake of this argument, let’s keep the focus on the chaste woman and the free man. Men cheat and oft times it has less to do with how warm his meal is when he gets home. I’m gonna go out on a limb here (and reel me in if I’m bein’ overly-ambitious), but somehow, in our outdated, presumptuous, old-world existence where monogamy is king and keeping women on a string is the norm, I don’t think that men who cheat are doing so in direct response to their wife offering or not offering up an additional hole or a Hot Toddy when he’s sick –– as Mitsch’s idiom suggests.

Is it possible, that he’s doing so because he fucking wants to? Because our puritanical view of sex is something that even he is sick and tired of? That he felt pressured into marriage and a single partner by the same dictating forces that we succumb to daily? That he’s a victim of his own Frankenstein?

Read more next week, when I delve into the other side of the coin –– women proselytizing to other women about whom they should be in the bedroom. And what we sluts can do about it.

[..]

by Daniel Robert Epstein

Jonathan Katz is the brilliantly funny deadpan comedian that the animated show Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist was built around. Dr. Katz was Comedy Central’’s first big hit and was on for five years. It’’s taken another six years for the first season to come out on DVD. But it’s here and it has commentaries by Katz, collaborator H. Jon Benjamin and many of the comedians who sat on the couch.

Read our exclusive interview with Jonathan Katz on SuicideGirls.com.

Aisline Suicide in Four Letter Word

• INTO: Girls, movies, night time, awkwardness, saying inappropriate things, the beach, sunsets and sunrises, dancing, dancing around in my underwear, laughing at my own jokes, being the only one laughing at my own jokes, boobs, ruining everything I try to cook and making people pretend they enjoyed eating it, heavily tattooed girls and boys.
• NOT INTO: Big crowds, people I don’t know touching me, mirrors, drugs, being cold.
• MAKES ME HAPPY: Warm weather, music, driving around aimlessly, late nights, early mornings.
• MAKES ME SAD: People with no morals, people with no common sense, people who can’t act in public, disrespect, greed, poverty and John Mayer.
• 5 THINGS I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT: IPod, Blackberry, laptop, a steady internet connection, and my family/cats.
• VICES: Sour candies.
• I SPEND MOST OF MY FREE TIME: Trying to take over the world.

Get to know Aisline better over at SuicideGirls.com!

by Bob Suicide

I don’t plan on ever growing up, though I do plan on single-handedly keeping the vinyl toy industry in business for many years to come. You name it, I’ve got it –– or it’s on preorder. However, even my embarrassingly childish addiction has standards. I have Legos, GI Joes, Transformers, Star Trek and Star Wars figures and replicas, plus Munnys and Dunnys of all sizes, but, I’m not –– and never really was –– a “Barbie girl.” I had a few as a kid, but even then I was more excited about my X-Men and Power Ranger figures than any doll.

However, I recently admitted a secret shame: “Typically, when I go to the toy store (which is often) to look for totally justifiable and not at all embarrassing toys, I make a small but shameful detour down the doll aisle.” And, recently, I even bought a few. Not Barbies, but Mattel’s similar line of dolls: Monster High.

Barbie has often been the target of body and self-image criticism. Thanks to her impossible anatomical proportions, moms across the globe decry the doll’s destruction of their child’s self-esteems –– but always after purchasing one or two because their daughters just had to have one. All the while, the overwhelming majority of girls rabidly desire and play with their dolls completely oblivious to the negative stigma their parents place upon them.

What I lack in “Barbie” fandom I make up for in love for Tokidoki designer Simone Legno, who recently released his own Tokidoki branded doll: the first officially tattooed Barbie. (There were two prior dolls that came with stickers mimicking temporary tattoos, but, since we’re getting technical, anything non-permanent doesn’t count.) With his amazing sense of art and style, Simone has done an amazing service to promote the acceptance of the beauty of tattoos within mainstream society. The doll is a perfect blend of the Tokidoki and Barbie brands. He’s mixed them together in a way that doesn’t compromise either. Part of me looks at that doll and says, “Fuck yeah. She looks cool.” Everything about the design is beautiful and “hip.” There’s an amazing attention to detail and the tattoos in particular portray Simone’s love of Japanese art that underlies all of his work.

There are few things in our American culture that are so identifiable as products of the “American Dream.” Coca Cola’s one and Barbie is another. They’ve been around for ages and while they maintain a classic aesthetic, they subtly evolve as the societal outlook changes. As tattoos are becoming more culturally accepted, it’s exciting to finally have a Barbie with tattoos. It’s exciting to think one of the largest toy manufacturers in the country, which boasts the country’s best selling doll –– a doll that has been defining standards of beauty for decades –– has now embraced tattoos. And, by dint of wearing those tattoos, Barbie and her parent company have declared tattoos to be both feminine and beautiful too.

As a kid, I never looked to my Barbie dolls for aspirational images of who or what I could be or how I should look and, honestly, I don’t think most kids do. Toys are toys. Toys don’t shape a kid’s personality. Children pick toys that reflect their own inner character traits. I didn’t look at my Wild C.A.T.s Zealot figure thinking I was going to become a covert warrior-spy. I liked that figure because I was already a strong girl with a penchant for the wilder side. As an adult however, I find the reverse bleeding into my conscious and I see why parents can easily label a doll as a “role-model.” So I’m pleased –– and even slightly inspired –– to see my formerly subversive love of lowbrow art and tattoos proudly emblazoned on one of America’s biggest icons.

But, another part of me can’t seem to get over the fact that, with the overabundance of pink and the perfectly bobbed hair, she’s eerily similar to Paris Hilton, which is not the best foot forward when it comes to portraying tattoos within the mainstream. If Barbie is an aspirational ambassador, the way parents like to portray her, I can understand the concern they might have for a day when “socialite” replaces “princess” as the number one thing little girls want to be when they grow up. But the same can be said of many of the Barbie dolls on the shelf. When each doll comes with matching purse and a mini dog that fits inside, when the “Dream Mansion” has its own massive walk in closet for shoes, it’s unfair to single this one doll out as the harbinger for the tacky, classless persona of a famous for being famous reality TV star. If this doll gets a scarlet “H,” they all do.

My ultimate gripe is with the “minivan mom’s” rallying cry that tattoos set a bad example for young girls. The gist of their complaint can be summed up by a comment from the Ms Twixt website for parents of Tween-age girls:

“Encouraging children that tattoos are cool is wrong, wrong, wrong.”

In reality, this doll isn’t meant to be a walking ad for the tattoo industry; It’s not even meant for children. It’s a $50 doll, and like the original plastic lady who inspired her, Bild Lilli, this Barbie is clearly marketed to the adult collector. While I can happily whip up a scenario whereby the fact that Barbie, as a shining example of the American Dream, has endorsed tattoos means that body art and modification is beautiful (as I just did), the truth of the matter is this is just a piece of lowbrow art which happens to take the form of a doll. While the doll is a highly publicized and identifiable one that’s typically marketed to children, the reality is two business saw the opportunity for a branding partnership and a hot pop-art designer modified an existing product for a high-end and limited run directed and solely marketed at collectors. No child is going to run their sticky fingers across a Tokidoki Barbie box on a WalMart shelf and the creators never intended that scenario to occur.

The doll aside, why is “encouraging” children to get tattoos wrong –– other than the fact those kids are going to be really bummed when they ride their trike up to the local shop to get their very own body mod and get turned away when they don’t have proper ID. There are laws set in place to ensure underage children can’t get tattoos. Doodling on skin with a sharpie never hurt anything but the occasional couch or really nice shirt (somthing I did ALL the time as a kid). Showing a child a picture of a doll or a person with a tattoo on them doesn’t immediately mean your toddler’s going to come home from preschool with a set of sleeves. Many of their real-life role models –– who are seen as wholesome and positive influences –– have them. Justin Bieber has a tattoo (don’t judge me for knowing that, I already feel enough shame!), and the only negative thing he’s ever inspired kids to get is really stupid haircuts (and his albums!).

Maybe the real answer is to let kids be kids, people be people, and dolls be dolls.

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by Blogbot

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by Daniel Robert Epstein

Lily Tomlin is a true comedy goddess. She’’s been entertaining people with her wonderful cast of characters since Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In. In fact one of my favorite movies of hers, 9 to 5, was just released in special edition DVD. But her latest movie is special because not only does she play Meryl Streep’’s sister in a singing duo but it also reteams her for a fourth time with director Robert Altman. A Prairie Home Companion is a look at a fictionalized version of Garrison Keillor’s long running public radio program. It is reimagined as a song heavy variety show and the movie highlights its last night before it is shut down.

Read our exclusive interview with Lily Tomlin on SuicideGirls.com.

Arabella Suicide in Pirate Girl

• INTO: Fire breathing, love, romance and bubble baths. I’m totally pirate obsessed!!! I collect all things pirate. I love pirates – I am one!
• NOT INTO: Lethargy.
• MAKES ME HAPPY: A smile.
• MAKES ME SAD: A frown.
• HOBBIES: Finding buried treasure!

Get to know Arabella better over at SuicideGirls.com!