by SG’s Team Agony feat. Perdita

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. I’m 27, and I haven’t had sex. Apparently, this is noteworthy and some kind of BFD. I’m not religious. I’m not waiting for marriage. I just haven’t found someone I like and trust enough. When I was younger, my first serious boyfriend did not treat me well, which included some incidents that, looking back, were assaults, though not rape. So I think it’s understandable that after that, I’m not looking to care about someone, have sex with them, and then be treated badly. I’d rather get to know someone first, before getting naked and making myself even more vulnerable. I’d rather feel safe that that isn’t going to happen again.

Ladypants.

A: Hi Ladypants,

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear you are a victim of assault; it’s a terrible ordeal that no one should have to go through once, let alone multiple times. Given your past experiences I understand why you are so cautious of trusting others, and you have every right to feel this way.

However communication is key in building a strong, trusting relationship, and it has to go both ways. Your personal information is your business, but I think it will be healthier for everyone involved if you are a little more forward in regards to your expectations of the relationship from the beginning. It’s possible to say: “I’m very interested in you, I would like to get to know you more, and I’m definitely physically attracted to you. But due to some past negative experiences, I would like to wait to have sex.” Be direct and honest, because a little bit of honesty and openness goes a long way towards building trust.

And while you shouldn’t fall all over yourself to reassure someone, I don’t think it’s unfair to have multiple discussions on the topic, because you’re not the only person in the relationship. It’s important to for the other person to respect your feelings, but you also need to remember to respect their feelings as well.

As for the sex issue, if you want to wait for the “perfect moment” that’s totally cool, but sometimes you can miss quite a few good opportunities that way. Ultimately you need to take your time, and do what’s right for you. Just remember that communication is key, and that it takes two people to make a relationship successful.

Perdita

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Yesenia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. I am 29-years old and engaged to the love of my life. I lost my virginity late at 25. I’ve had several partners since then once I gained confidence. I’ve always been complimented on my performance and technique, had several repeat sex partners and even MILFs. If something didn’t work on them I changed it up until they were left gasping and overall giving the signals of satisfaction. The MILFs basically taught me I don’t cum until they cum. I did oral, shocker, different positions etc., all with tons of positive feedback.

I am pretty romantic and romance in the past has rewarded me with sex. However in recent times when we go out to the beach, movies, parks, malls, aquariums, etc., usually, when we get home after these wonderful outings, instead of rewarding me with sex, she goes to sleep. I guess I am asking what I can do to make her happy sexually and want me more. Any guidance would be appreciated.

A: This is a tough question because there could be things in her past that make her feel awkward or negative towards sex. There are also may be medical or emotional reasons why she may shy away from sex. I would talk to her to see if there are any deeper issues that are causing her low sex drive. Make her feel comfortable and make sure she knows you love her and that sex is not a deciding factor. Tell her you care and want to make sure she is okay.

Girls don’t like to feel like a toy or tool, so make sure she feels like it’s not about you getting off, but more about the emotional connection between the two of you. Talk to her about why you like to make love to her. Maybe it makes you feel closer to her. Explain that you enjoy sharing that intimate moment with her?

Make sure too that your breath smells good and that you are showered. Look at her like she is the only person in the world you are thinking about. Tell her a very specific compliment, and be sure to offer lots of non-sexual affection too. Give her a kiss on the forehead while stroking her hair to the side.

If things are fizzling (which is totally normal), find a new way to provoke her interest in you – like a new hobby. My roommates have a very healthy relationship (I am jealous of it). They are always trying new things together. Right now they are into karate (though both of them have broken pinky toes right now from it, haha). Working out increases sex drive, and getting hot and sweaty together could be fun. Or try swing or salsa dance classes, which might help you get out of a sedentary rut, and provide lots of opportunity to get your flirt on. Alternatively a challenge like rock climbing could be a good way to create a new level of trust. Also, it’s said that dates which include as aspect of fear are great for creating strong bonds.

I hope this advice helps.

Best of luck to ya darlin’!

Yesenia
xoxo

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Blogbot

A column which highlights Suicide Girls and their fave groups.

This week Delia tells us why the Rose Garden is such a beautiful place to visit.

Members: 196 [Private: For SGs Only] / Comments: 3,675

WHY DO YOU LOVE IT?: Rose Garden is a great place for SGs to discuss their mental illnesses without fear of judgment. The girls are extremely supportive. We have all had different experiences with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc., and there is always someone within the group who has an encouraging word. It’s a great place for like-minded girls to speak freely about things that they normally would not talk about in their blogs or on the message boards.



DISCUSSION TIP: One of the most important things to be aware of is that group members can easily be triggered by posts, so it’s always advisable to add a trigger warning or a disclaimer if something could make a member uncomfortable. There is a lot of sensitive material posted, and we all trust that any member would never betray the confidence of the group.



MOST HEATED DISCUSSION THREAD: The “Say Anything” thread is a great place for the girls to vent out their frustrations in a hold-nothing-back fashion. There is also a thread dedicated to three positive things that happened during the day, to remind us to find joy in the little things and not focus so much on the negative aspects of life.



BEST RANDOM QUOTE: “I never promised you a rose garden…”



WHO’S WELCOME TO JOIN?: It’s an SG-only group for girls who deal with mental illnesses including, depression, anxiety, personality disorders, and schizophrenia. Ladies who would like to join should message Anarchie at the same time as applying and briefly explain why you’d like to join.

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by Laurelin

There are few things in life I love and hate more than the glow and vibrating of a cell phone when you’re expecting something big. I use the term “big” loosely; 9 times out of 10 I’ve just said something to a guy and I’m not sure what he’s going to say: minutes crawl by like hours and then (as though I had been holding my breath the whole time) there it is, the reassuring buzz and glow. When that buzz is never returned however, we enter the moments where you become acutely aware you had been holding your breath, and you make that conscious decision to slowly exhale or simply pass out.

I remember one relationship in particular; one where when I woke up one morning he was just… gone. He had left me, I knew it, but when something so drastic happens you don’t just process it and know to move on. Your world is rocked, your foundation shaken to the core and everything you trusted – especially yourself – is betrayed. A year went by and everyday seemed the same, but in reality, a year is a year, and I suppose I was healing.

I remember I was at a party and I wasn’t even thinking about him. I was in a tube top that kept falling down and I stepped outside to the front step where no one inside would see me so I could tug it up. Mid tug my cell phone buzzed, and in the darkness of that October night I saw his name glowing. I literally felt my heart stop and I put my hand out to steady myself against the front door. I answered the call, and what happened after that is now insignificant and trite, but I will never forget that feeling; the wind knocked out of me with just a small glow in the dark.

Fast forward to now and I’m realizing that once again, I have made a mistake and started to let someone in, when really they had no business in my life in the first place. This isn’t a time stopping event, probably not even worth writing about, but I know I am and I probably will again. His texts, now few and far between, still managed to ruin my dinner when I looked down over a plate of crab rangoon and saw his name glowing in the gloom. Suddenly I wasn’t hungry and I wanted to dunk my iPhone into the giant bowl of duck sauce.

Earlier that day it had been a text from a married ex. “Saw this and thought of you,” he had said, sending a photo of a CD that played our song. Another one had stopped by the bar the night before and hugged me. “I’m sorry, I’m an ass and I didn’t call you on your birthday,” he said. “It’s okay,” I mumbled. “I didn’t call you on yours either.” He tells me to call him sometime, and I say I will although I know I won’t because I deleted his phone number when I was finally able to delete him from my life. I don’t expect to hear from him anytime soon.

I realize that I’m drifting off into my egg drop soup and I snap back to reality, tucking my cell phone into my purse and deciding to not look at it for the next hour. Suddenly it buzzes and I glance down just one last time. My defeated face turns into a bright grin, my cheeks turning red and my friends start to giggle and ask to see pictures when I show them who it is. Those boys… they know just the right moment to pop up and say hi. I make a conscious decision to leave my phone out of the duck sauce after all.

Laurelin is running the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure for breast cancer research and awareness on Saturday, October 20th; every donation counts and is greatly appreciated.

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by Symbol

This is the longest period I’ve been single in my adult life. I’m dating, but as I alluded to in my last article, I’ve only met people who aren’t ready for any kind of serious relationship…and for the right now, that’s perfectly fine with me too.



I’m meeting more and more people who are only interested in open or poly-amorous relationships. Perhaps people are finally coming to realize that the monogamous relationship, which has been a cornerstone of our society for generations, just doesn’t work for everyone.



I think, in part, one of the reasons people seem to enjoy open relationships so much is because of how much fun getting to meet new people can be. To be clear, I’m not one of those people who have shunned monogamy. I’ve tried the poly thing, and that green-eyed monster called jealousy just shuts me down every time – but at least I know my limits. So it boils down to where and how you meet people, and what do you do once you’ve met someone? 



I seem to have always met women in one of two places – on campus or in bars. Sometimes those bars were on campus, which just compounds the fact that I’m used to meeting women in a certain setting. A fairly formulaic ritual seems to have formed there too. I’d hang out somewhere, occasionally make eye contact, smile, and see if I could get a conversation going. It’s the conservative Canadian way of doing things, apparently, but it’s been quite successful for most of my life.



I tend to use humor extensively when getting to know women. The self-deprecating kind, especially if I’ve been drinking, or I’m nervous – though it takes quite a lot to make me nervous in front of anyone. If the attraction doesn’t seem to be mutual, I’m never the kind who pushes – I always back off right away. I respect women (and myself) far too much to be that guy.



What I have noticed though is that I’ve rarely (if ever) been what I’d call the pursuer when it comes to romance. I seem to attract strong, outgoing women who know what they want. Honestly, this suits me just fine – in fact when it comes to character traits, the stronger the woman the more attracted I usually am. If a woman knows what she wants and comes after it, that’s entirely all right in my books.



That’s not to say that I’m unfamiliar with how to meet and speak to people, quite the opposite. I’m definitely what you’d call an extrovert, it’s just that meeting new people seems to come much more easily to some than the rest of us. And truth be told, I think my most recent break-up mostly left me lacking one important thing: Confidence.



I spent the second week of October this year visiting Austin, Texas. I was down there for a work-related conference, and had the chance to meet up with some fantastic people – including someone who has been a professional idol of mine for many years. 



I’d been speaking with him via email for a few weeks, putting together notes and chatting about what we’d be talking about at the conference, and when I finally got to meet him in person he just casually walked up and offered his hand.



“Hi, I’m Chris.”



I think I must have heard him say those exact words at least a hundred times throughout the week. The reasoning for this is simple: I’ve never met anyone who makes friends quite so easily in my life as Chris, and he proved that time and time again.



Without running the risk of getting all fanboy, let me just say this: I could easily see how many people would be threatened by Chris. He’s a good looking, articulate, smart, successful guy and he charms his way into people’s hearts and minds. That might threaten some people, as I said, but I found something I’d not been expecting to find – my missing confidence.



Chris introduced me to another fantastically awesome guy, Jim. They’re both from California, and it makes me wonder if people aren’t just different out there. These two certainly have something in common when it comes to making new friends, and it appears to have rubbed off on me ever so slightly. 



They just walk up to people, without fear, and put themselves out there. Hands are extended, introductions are made, and smiles are exchanged. It all sounds really simple, but the teenager inside me, the one who grew up watching John Hughes films, refuses to believe it can be that easy.



So I mostly just sat back, like one of those crew members on a reality TV show about off-shore fishing, watching the guys who know what they were doing reel people in. I don’t want to make it sound like there was some sort of commercial girl-farming operation going on, quite the opposite. All kinds of people joined our little outings and they were always interesting and welcome additions to the conversations we were having. (As an aside, if you’ve never played giant 2×4 Jenga, you really should!)



We stayed together, pretty much, from Monday afternoon until Thursday evening – looking out for each other, keeping tabs on each other, and having a good time. Wednesday evening was the real acid test though, and a true testament to the quality and caliber of the two men I’m now proud to call friends.



One of the people we’d met while down there was a woman whose work I’ve followed now for a few years. I’ve always thought she was whip-smart when it comes to her writing, and a keen mind is a huge attraction for me. It doesn’t hurt that this woman is also staggeringly good-looking; I had a little bit of a crush.



She’s very much an out there kind of gal; it’s easy to be bowled over by her presence, her personality and her looks. She’s loud, shiny, funny and opinionated. If you’re following along you can see where this is going.



We spent the night at a bar on 6th Street – it was some sort of official party with an open bar – but more importantly, the New York Yankees were battling the Baltimore Orioles in the play-off’s and this girl is definitely a Yankees fan. I’ve never actually met someone who was so very passionate about a sporting team, and considering I’ve lived in the three biggest hockey towns in Canada, that’s saying something.



I must have met thirty to forty people that night – I held their presence, shook hands, smiled, made some small talk, but my attention always drifted back to the exuberant Yankees fan that was rarely more than a few inches away from me for the better part of the entire evening. The vexing thing about her, the thing that perplexed me the most, was simply this…



I can’t read her.



I mean, I can. Obviously she was interested in talking to me and we talked about a great number of things. We took some cute Instagram photos, we flirted most of the night until we left that bar for a second destination, walking arm in arm, belting out songs from Les Mis together. 



At some point in there she mentioned she’d be up in Montreal in November – to which I gleefully responded:



“You’ll have to let me take you out for dinner!”



She agreed, I smiled. But I honestly couldn’t tell you if it was a “We’re having a fun time, you’re a lot of laughs, let’s hang out again” kind of acceptance, or a “Sure! And I’ll bring all these other people I know along too and it will be great!” kind of deal. I’m not struggling over an existential crisis here, but I do find it kind of funny that mixed signals could mean the difference between this turning out like a John Hughes film or a Ben Stiller one.



So how does all of this tie back into Chris and Jim? Well, it was pretty evident to me that Chris also found her pretty attractive – and I have no doubt that if he’d wanted to, he could have held her interest in conversation effortlessly. But I think it was pretty obvious I was interested in her. (I may be pretty easy to read in that regard, and I seem to recall telling him I had a tiny crush on her, once or twice, after a few drinks.) So the four of us just spent the night sitting by a window, chatting about things we could all discuss. Conversation flowed easily, and everyone had a good time.



I rarely make meaningful, adult relationships with men, and the ones I have made tend to be permanent. I’ve always had a much easier time making friends with women. Where I’m going with all of this boils down to how two remarkable people shared with me something that I’d never experienced before in an adult relationship – quick and genuine friendship, the likes of which I’ve only ever really seen other people have.



We all had a great time; I got to meet some fantastic people, people that – if things were different – I’d rather spend a lot more time with than what I’ll be able too. I’m also going to start saving my pennies up for a visit to California, whenever that becomes a possibility. I’d hate to go into Big Jim withdrawal. 



I met some remarkable people, who I’m looking forward to getting to know in whichever ways become available. If being friends on Facebook is all that the future holds, then I’m just as happy to take that as I would be with dinner, drinks, or a walk in the park.



I’m not holding my breath that I’ll be standing in the rain at some point holding a boom-box, playing Peter Gabriel.



Not that the idea doesn’t have a certain appeal to it.

Related Posts
A Guy’s Perspective: Falling in Love (And Other Deadly Sins

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Elea

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: How do I get the body as amazing as a Suicide Girl? I’ve been single for a while now and I’d like a change in myself. I’d like to look as beautiful as you. Your bodies are amazing. I just want to feel new I guess. I’m sure if I get the body I’d like, I’d feel confident and it would sure lead to a new person in my life. I just don’t know how to go about getting a new body. I’m not sure what to eat. Since I’m vegetarian it should be easy, but I’m not a healthy eating kinda girl! How do SGs maintain their bodies?

A: First, you should know that I am stuffing my face with pastry as I am writing this. Second, I bet very few girls on here really have the perfect body. I’m not even sure what it means. For me, the perfect body is mine, because I learned to live with it. My hips are too wide, my face is too long, and my calves are chubby. But the good thing is, this doesn’t matter on here. Everybody on here is different.
 It’s not about changing your body. It’s about changing how you feel about it.


However it’s definitely good to want to do something good for yourself and be healthy. Being vegetarian is a good way to do this. I became vegetarian myself only three months ago after I saw a documentary on how animals are treated and fed over here in the US. It’s all only about corn, which is bad for the animal and for you. Check out the Veggie and Vegan Group for recipe ideas or links to websites which support this lifestyle. (SG also has a Weight Loss group, if you need more diet tips and a little moral support.)


Contrary to what you think, I know a lot of girls on here who don’t go to the gym on a regular basis, including myself. I work in a very stressful environment that leaves me no time to sit down or rest. This is my workout. It’s all about finding a way of life that makes you feel good and works for you. “Makes you feel good” being very important. You obviously don’t feel that way so I want to help you change this.

What are routines in your daily life that you could change? I try to do some things that don’t seem significant but that keep me from becoming a slob. I park far, far away from everybody else when I go somewhere. Not only because people suck at parking and constantly ding my car, but also because a little walking never hurt anyone. I don’t buy snacks at the movie theater. If I eat when watching a movie, my body doesn’t seem to register it as much. When I cook, I turn on the swing music or blues channel on TV and dance around the kitchen. Every now and again I try to call up friends who have dogs and meet up to take a walk and play with them. There are very few days where I don’t move in some way, also because I found it helps with my depression. See if you can do similar things in your life that make you feel good and get you moving.

Last, but not least, your single status. I wish I could help you with this. My best advice is to try and think about it less and not stress about it. In a time where so many relationships start online, it’s still important to try and go out and meet more people in real life. See if there are any SG Events in your area, or by all means, try to set something up for your local group on your own. That’s a good way to meet some like-minded, cool people.
I hope this helped you.

Sincerely,

Elea

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Brad Warner

Recently someone sent me the following email:

I have a question – what’s your impression of The New Kadampa Tradition and the practice of “worshiping” or “venerating” Dorje Shugden? Is this all hogwash, or is there something of value in Geshe Kelsang Gyatso’s teaching or is he just another charlatan?

I replied:

I’ve heard the name New Kadampa but know absolutely nothing about it. It’s something Tibetan, I guess. I have no idea who or what Dorje Shugden is or was. “Worshiping” and “venerating” are words that make me a little nervous.

He sent the following back to me:

Thanks for replying, it’s appreciated. I’ve done some digging and it seems that Geshe Kelsang Gyatso is regarded by the NKT followers as the “one true Buddha alive today” and his teachings (and only HIS teachings) are not to be questioned, lest ye be banished (seriously). Other teachings are “deceptive and evil” including the teachings of the Dalai Lama, it seems, who Gyatso openly opposes. Opinions of the Dorje Shugden thing seems to vary from him/it being incarnated in the 17th Century and is a “Dharma Protector” or even a “demon” – there is even an NKT Survivors forum on Yahoo, so I think I’ll steer clear of the whole shebang, as consensus seems to indicate that the NKT should be regarded alongside the likes of the “Dark Zen” crowd. Ugh.

To which I said:

OH RIGHT! THAT STUFF! I’d forgotten about it. Stephen Batchelor mentions it in his latest book. Yeah. That’s all superstitious nonsense. I don’t know why anybody believes that garbage. It’s like thinking the Earth was created 6000 years ago and that dinosaurs died out in the Great Flood. There is no difference at all in those kinds of beliefs. They’re all 100% arbitrary products of human imagination.

I am so not interested in this stuff that I had totally blanked out on what the names Dorje Shugden and New Kadampa Tradition meant even though I read the story just a few months earlier. In my mind it was all lumped in under the category of “Superstitious Nonsense That I Don’t Need to Bother With.” If you want to read something truly moronic about this subject, go to dorjeshugden.org/. Anyhow, there’s Dorje’s picture up on top of this post. He’s wearing a fireman helmet.

There are some fictional stories I know very well, that I find interesting and that I continue to follow from time to time. I know the difference between Captain Kirk (cool) and Captain Picard (often cool in his own way, but not as cool as Kirk). I know why Hayata can use the Beta Capsule to transform into Ultraman. I know what Tatooine is and what the Death Star is.

I know some of the religious fictions that are part of my culture. I know that Noah built the Ark, that Moses brought the tablets down from Mt. Sinai, that Jesus died and rose again on the Third Day. I don’t actually believe any of this stuff. But it’s useful to know the stories. I know the major fictions of a few other religions. I know that Krishna could fuck a million girls all at once and I know why one of Ganesh’s tusks is broken (he broke it off and used it as a pen to write the Vedas). I know the basic story of Mohammed (Peace Be Upon Him, not that any of that is fiction, of course, please don’t kill me).

I know most of the fictions that Zen people find comforting. I know that Bodhidharma stared at a wall until his arms and legs fell off. But I don’t believe that actually occurred. I know that Buddha supposedly confirmed Mahakashapa’s enlightenment and that this has been passed on in an unbroken succession for 2500 years. I don’t think that really happened either. But I led the congregation in chanting the list of names of the men and women who got it a few times last month in Tassajara.

But if I tried to memorize everybody’s superstitions, I’d never get to the end of it. In the final analysis, superstition is superstition, whether it’s Buddhist superstition or anyone else’s superstition. I can find no more compelling reason to believe in some spiritual entity named Dorje Shugden than to believe in Zeus or Apollo. It’s silly and useless. In fact it’s more useless to study Dorje Shugden than to study Zeus and Apollo because so few people give a shit about Dorje Shugden. At least if you know about Zeus and Apollo there is always a chance that knowing a bit about classical literature might get you laid by some cute librarian in a pair of horn-rimmed glasses and a turtleneck sweater. Will knowing about Dorje Shugden get me laid? Not likely. Or if it did, I would really have to go out of my way to find a girl who cared. So that’s the end of my study.

For reasons that are difficult for me to fathom, though, a lot of people who ought to know better seem to think that exotic superstitions might be more true than the plain old superstitions we’re familiar with. But why bother? If you’re thinking about putting your faith in Dorje Shugden, why not just make life simpler and put your faith in the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny? At least you know those superstitions already. There’s not so much need to study up on them. Santa Claus is a good one to believe in because he might bring you stuff. Personally I have way more faith in Santa Claus than in any supposed Buddhist “guardian spirit.”

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