Jan 2013 19

by Laurelin

I remember in high school being obsessed with this one guy. Jackson was the epitome of everything I thought was cool: he rode BMX bikes and wore baggy jeans and flannel t-shirts with different band shirts underneath like NOFX and Pennywise. He didn’t drink or do drugs or hang out with the cool kids, but he was always smiling and surrounded by people. He was different and I liked that.

We wound up dating for a while (it seems like a long time, but in retrospect it might have only been a few months; time is different now). He broke up with me at the end of my freshman year and I was devastated. My first heartbreak, my first bitter taste of a feeling I would in time become so familiar with. That being said, there is nothing to be done but move on, keep going to class, keep on smiling like nothing was wrong. Eventually I lost interest in Jackson and the feeling faded. I was moving on and Jackson was nothing more than a blip on my radar. That is, until Jackson started dating Jill.

Suddenly I missed him with a fierceness that can only be likened to the hunger a vampire feels after waking, born as a creature of the night for the first time. Suddenly it seemed like there was no one else, that Jackson was the only one for me, no one else should have him, especially not Jill. Who was Jill? Where the hell did she even come from? She was nothing like him; she didn’t even LIKE the music that he liked, the music that he and I liked. It was all consuming, and soon Jackson was all I could think about. I wanted him back. I remember that feeling like it was yesterday; unhealthy obsession.

My cell phone buzzes and I glance down. My heartbeat increases when I see his name. This one I think I’ll write back to, this intriguing man who isn’t really like anyone I’ve ever met before. This has been one hell of a week for me and my buzzing cell phone, which is filled with messages from people I never expected to hear from. I have spent a lot of the past year unable to move forward constructively when it comes to a few kinds of relationships in my life and for whatever reason I have just totally and completely moved on. I simply woke up one day and stopped texting, stopped calling, stopped inviting these guys out with hopes of rekindling romance. I just stopped chasing them. And the second I stopped, all of a sudden they noticed.

If anyone had told me that these guys would be saying the things that they have been saying to me in the past few weeks I would have laughed. If you had told me they would be showing up at my bar, sitting and hanging out until closing and then asking to walk me home, I wouldn’t have believed it for a second. Now, as I choose to go home alone, I acknowledge that they only want me the way I wanted Jackson back once I saw him with Jill. They liked me chasing them and once I stopped they finally looked back, circling back like a dog with a lost bone, sad that the game is finally over.


Dec 2012 21

by Laurelin

One of the perks of having an online column is literally being able to go back in time. Exactly a week, month, and year to the date your words are still there and you can instantly remember what was going on in that moment. So many times those memories are just… lost, and I realize suddenly how lucky I am to write the truth, to write with honesty and more often than not, pain, because I can look back see how I’ve progressed. Tonight I look for last year’s post, and I am a bit squeamish. I have a sinking suspicion that nothing has changed. I don’t feel different. I feel… used up and empty. To quote Bilbo Baggins, “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”

On this day last year I wrote “Life Beyond the Bar Scene: Winter is Coming.” I was clearly not over my ex and I was using other people in an attempt to replace him. It wasn’t working. I remember feeling lost, confused, alone. Fast forward one year, and I have managed to actually get over the ex I was writing about. He and I didn’t speak for about six months, and while I think part of me will always look at him as the one that got away, they were the best and most needed six months of my life. Erased. Deleted from everything, hidden from Facebook, he quit working at my bar, simply… gone. I ached, and then one day I didn’t. Life goes on, what do you know!

He walked into the bar two months ago, after all that time, and I remember stopping dead in my tracks. I had almost forgotten what he looked like and that moment of recognition hit me like a wave crashing into a small vessel in a storm. I hugged him and said I was happy to see him, and for once, I was.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you on your birthday,” he said. And I knew he had remembered it and had not called because it really didn’t matter.

“That’s okay,” I said. “I didn’t call you on yours either,” and my lower lip didn’t tremble when I turned away. I couldn’t believe it. I smiled, and when he left I waved, turned back to my bar and carried on. He was never really far from my mind, but it was almost like he had finally found a place in the archives, a place that didn’t hurt.

A new year is coming and I don’t feel any different, but I am. I think I only feel used up because I think I should feel that way. Looking back I’m suddenly pretty sure I just lived the best year of my life. I went on a ten day Caribbean cruise in January. I scuba dived shipwrecks, got over my fear of karaoke, and held baby monkeys in diapers. I danced like no one was watching even when everyone was watching and I screamed “Discount Double Check” and did Aaron Rodger’s touchdown move zip lining across the rainforest in Antigua.

I dated. I discovered dating was not for me and I discovered that while men can be mean and break my heart, I can be mean and break their hearts. And I was sorry, sometimes more than others. I got up on stage and I read stories naked for the first time in March and again in October. The first time I was so scared I could have just peed right there on stage and the second time I walked with confidence, read with pride, and now I can’t wait to do it again.

In April I ran my first Tough Mudder and it was a ten mile muddy uphill journey of insanity. I didn’t train much and when I got back, that was it. I started running. I joined a Crossfit gym and I vowed that I would no longer blame every aspect of my hectic life for the wobbly parts of my body I didn’t care for.

I got promoted at all of my jobs, I turned 30, my friends are brilliant and I still find time for the little things: cat naps, cuddling with pets, reading, movies, martinis, and the occasional misstep into romance, which as my readers know has yet to work out. Used up and empty is often a result of this; but it’s not all I am. It can’t be.

When you think about it, each day since that post one year ago is just that: one day. It’s just another ordinary day, when added up makes an ordinary week, ordinary month, and yet somehow… a totally extraordinary year.


Dec 2012 05

by Laurelin

I hung his picture last week. I hung it in the kitchen above the stove, the space was perfect and as I pounded the nail into the wall I wondered if this was the right thing to do. It had been shoved in the back of my closet for one year and two months and today I hung it up, finally ready to not vomit when I looked at it. It’s a nice picture. It’s not a photograph: the kid fucking painted it. It’s hands down, the best gift I have ever received in my whole life, and for one year and two months after my 29th birthday the only creature that saw it was my cat when she tried to climb the vertical plastic shoe rack from Target in the back of my closet.

So, last week I hung the picture. I hung it, and when I walked in to the kitchen today to make tacos there it was above the stove as I sautéed the onions. I made tacos. I ate the tacos at the black and silver high top 50s diner style table in my kitchen and they were delicious. The painting watched, and when I was done I smiled and I knew that I had finally done the right thing. That chapter of my life was in plain sight and finally over.

It’s weird not having anything to harp on. Not having that nagging feeling of heartbreak, not having that sinking feeling as I lock the house and head to work or to the bar I hang out at. This feeling of freedom, to see these men and actually be happy to see them, to no longer have to fake it till I make it. My smile is genuine, my invites to events aren’t because I want to win them over but because once we were all friends and finally I am not a fucking idiot, and I can take this for what it always should have been: friends, co-workers, anything but what it was.

It’s like a veil has been lifted from my eyes and I can finally see, and I pray that I can constructively move forward. What did I learn from that last relationship? What did I learn from the last bartenders who broke my heart and what did I learn from the bartenders whose hearts I know I broke? As much as we think we can’t, we always put the pieces back together. We are able to one day not make the same mistakes over again, finally able to look at the bigger picture. And one day, hopefully, we can take that picture out of the closet and hang it in the perfect spot in the kitchen, right above the stove.


Nov 2012 26

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Salome

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

[Dexter in Pop Art Clash]

Q:I have been married for almost three years, and I do love my wife very much. I have multiple fantasies where I’m having threesomes or four-ways with groups of men and women or both. I have tried numerous times to explain this to my wife but she wants NO part of it. 
I want more not only for myself sexually but more for our relationship. 
How can I get my point across to her? Should I leave her and explore my options on my own? Or should I just forget about these fantasies?
Sexually Confused in the South

A:Dear Sexually Confused in the South,

You say you love your wife very much and want more for your relationship, but I am skeptical. You are asking for advice on how to press your wife into something that, right now, she has made it clear she does not want to do.

I hear a lot about you and what you want in your question, but nothing about what your wife wants. If you are approaching this as “Honey, this is what I want, give me permission and let me drag you along,” then of course she’s going to be resistant. Sex is something you share with your partner and anything new you try should be something you explore together as equals.

Try initiating a conversation with her about what SHE wants. Don’t use it as a jumping off point to try talking her into your desires again; just ask questions and then listen to the answers. Ask her what she likes in your sex life now, and what she’d like more of, or less of. Ask her if there’s anything she’d ever wanted to try or wondered about doing, but hasn’t brought up to you. If you do this respectfully and honestly, she may surprise you. You may get some of the variety you need in your sex life, she gets to explore her own fantasies, and hopefully you will make her feel safe and secure in the idea of exploring new sexual territory with you.

However, this doesn’t mean you should jump right to “we did what you wanted, now I get an orgy.” Introducing additional partners into a relationship can be an incredible experience, but it can be extremely complicated to pull off. The relationship dynamics have to be right, there has to be total trust, honest and constant communication, pre-established ground rules, and a way for either partner to end the encounter or situation quickly and without fear of judgment or bad feelings. Group sex, swinging, polyamory, open relationships, or any other shade of non-monogamy are not for everyone. It would be unfair of you to demand this of your wife if it is truly not for her, or if she might be up for it but you are unwilling to put the effort into building a strong, loving and trusting relationship that will not be damaged by opening it up.

Before you can think about taking a step as huge as having sex with other people, you need to make sure your relationship is as strong as you can make it – and even then non-monogamy may not be the right choice for the two of you. Only at that point is your choice actually between subsuming your fantasies out of love for your wife or pursuing your fantasies in a life without her.



Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to:

Nov 2012 19

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Dexter

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

[Dexter in Black Rose]

Q: I was dating this girl that I had met at a friend’s event. We started dating/seeing each other for about 2-3 months, against my friend’s wishes (we share the same mutual friend). I traveled to her, about a hour away, and slept over her place and vise versa. We really only saw each other from Saturday night into Sunday afternoon because she works 6 days a week. I know I didn’t do well with texting her, I only really texted her Thursday, Friday, and Saturday to plan out if we were going to hang out and what we should do.

We did this for about 2-3 months and I thought things were going well between us, until suddenly I texted her to see if she wanted to hang out like I normally did. She told me she couldn’t due to her having to be at a bridal shower for a wedding that she is part of. Then she blindsided me by saying that we shouldn’t see each other anymore and that things weren’t working out.

She gave me the reasons that I lived to far away, I didn’t text her so she assumed that I didn’t care anymore, and that the relationship was over, that we had different interests, and other BS excuses. I just asked her if she was seeing another guy, but she ignored that text. I wasn’t going to be hurt if she met another guy, that’s part of dating, but I just couldn’t get over the reasons of why we shouldn’t see each other anymore. It didn’t make sense because we had been doing this for a couple months and she didn’t say anything to me about there being any problems.

I also asked her why she didn’t text me during the times that I didn’t text her and why she assumed what she assumed and just ended everything. I just hate being lied to and eventually she told me she was seeing another guy. But I don’t understand why she acted like a child and ignored me, lied, and assumed all this about me and our relationship. I liked the girl and want to try to be friends but I just can’t get over how she went about things. I guess I would like your opinion on this whole situation, the girl, and what maybe I should do…

A: First of all, let’s start with this; you mentioned that dating this girl was done against your mutual friend’s wishes. Maybe that friend was trying to save you a whole lot of grief! This girl sounds shady, plain and simple. I can guarantee that she didn’t have much of a problem with the weekend hang out/booty call with minimal strings. She obviously enjoyed it since it went on for a few months.

It seems likely to me that she met someone new, someone local probably. Having someone new is exciting, and it’s pretty damn convenient if that someone new lives only ten minutes away. This gave her an excuse to start using the “lack” of text messages and the distance as an easy way out. Using excuses is much easier than admitting you fucked up. It’s also much easier than telling the truth.

It’s not because she didn’t think YOU could handle it; it’s because SHE couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t handle telling the truth, or being the bad guy in the relationship, so she made up excuses.

If you can accept that she’s a shady kinda girl, then it should make it easy to be just friends with her with no romantic interest. But do you really want shady friends in your circle?

Best Wishes! 



Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to:

Nov 2012 15

by Laurelin

I sit here in bed, the television muted, my iTunes silenced. I sit here in bed with my cell phone on vibrate; my hands ready to receive at any moment. All night, my hands, waiting. Waiting for him to say something, anything, but he doesn’t. I almost welcome that familiar twinge, that feeling that leaves me so full of emptiness. I remember I heard once that you’re never more alive than when your heart is breaking. Mine is already broken, and apparently I like nothing more than to make the same mistakes twice.

I almost don’t even know who “he” is. At this point there are so many people who could fill that void that I feel stupid, because while there are so many, there are in fact, so few.

My ex, who I haven’t spoken to in months, says he’s on his way to the bar. I miss him, but I don’t really, and when he doesn’t show tonight I feel better for not having put the picture he painted me for my birthday back on the wall. I keep thinking, “One day I can hang it,” but it’s been one year and it’s still stuffed in the back of my closet next to the framed photo of the ex that used to hit me and the clothing I wore when I would wrestle bachelors for money at the strip club in hot oil and whipped cream. I don’t know why I even think I can stand to look at it, and for one fleeting moment it’s clear as day and I don’t know why I haven’t burned it.

I find myself sitting here, wishing for anything. The last guy I liked had my friends in absolute giggles; comparing the new guy to the old one, leaving me a little bewildered because this new one was honest and sweet… at least in the beginning. So he wasn’t as muscular or tall. And then, just like all the rest, he was suddenly gone, and I was left with nothing. In the beginning we had laughed over how cold we both seemed (we weren’t really). In the beginning I had thought, “He’s not cold at all,” but in the end I thought, “He was right,” though I never cried.

I never cried. There are some guys who make you think; some who make who question your very essence. There are some guys who make you feel like nothing will ever be the same. The ones who break you, day after day, month after month, year after year. There are those guys that no matter how many times you tell yourself they’re going to stay buried they always seem to surface just when you’re at your most vulnerable. There are the guys that never call; and those are the ones who are made for nothing more than heart breaking and other lies.


Nov 2012 12

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Jaeci

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

[Jaeci in Be My Lover]

Q: I have fallen in love with my best guy friend. When it started, I didn’t even realize it since I was with my ex-boyfriend. I broke up with the ex five months ago after being with him for over two years because he made me feel bad about myself and guilty for all the things that went wrong in our relationship. He didn’t even take care of me when I started to get drunk on my 21st birthday! Instead, my best friend did, while the ex got drunk and more upset that he didn’t step up. It only took me the weekend to get over him because I fell out of love with him six months before.

My best friend was there for me a lot and, before I knew it, he was all I thought about. We went out for about a month and then out of nowhere he tells me, “I had fun with you but I’m sorry you are in my friend zone” –– after we had shared everything together.

I am not an easy girl at all. It’s been two months since then and somehow when it’s just the two of us we get lost in our conversations. If anyone ever met him they would see how great of a guy he is and not be able to believe he pulled such an asshole move. This past weekend he and I had another heart to heart and he said he was sorry. I confessed how much I loved him and how lucky he was that it was me and not just some other girl because she probably would have left and /or made his life miserable.

I know he says we should just stay friends and he doesn’t want to lose me, but we’ve already passed the point of being ‘just friends.’ I also don’t believe him because of the way he looks at me and knows what I’m thinking. He also acts like he has a school yard crush by teasing me a lot too.

Next week, he, our two friends who are a couple, and me are going beach camping. I have to share a tent with him for a night, and I have no idea how to go about this. What should I do?

Thank you for your time. I love you girls!

A: The short answer: You are going to bring your own sleeping bag or blankets and you are not going to insist on spooning him. It shouldn’t matter that the friends you are going with are a couple –– there are two of you, platonic or romantic, so no one is a third wheel. You’ll have a great time. If something happens, so be it. If not –– c’est la vie.

The long answer: When he apologized for trying to be with you then cutting it short for friendship’s sake, did he say he was sorry because he didn’t want to be with you in the first place/led you on, or did he say he was sorry because he was too concerned about the preservation of your friendship to stay with you? Did he give you any indication of his motivation?

Sometimes, best friends precisely the people you can’t date, even if they seem like exactly who you wish you could. One of my best gals tried dating her bff. They had a magical connection at first because of how intense their relationship had always been, how close they feel, how much they have been through, how he knows her inside and out. The sex was apparently awesome. But, despite everything, she too was friend-zoned. They ultimately parted ways, albeit after much more of a lengthy and heart-wrenching game.

Reality bites, eh.

When someone says, “You’re in my friend zone” for them it generally means, uh, “You’re in my friend zone.” It usually doesn’t mean, “I’m secretly in love with you –– no, really!” Strong feelings of any kind are easy to get lost in. Everything seems more intense when you love someone –– even if you aren’t in love with them. You can definitely mistake platonic love and a surprising, but probably fleeting, physical attraction for “OH MY GOD WEDDING BELLLLSSSS!” Maybe he felt a little spark, you showed you wanted him, it seemed like a great idea until it was totally not a great idea. Also, not everyone associates sex with love and the physical connection you may have had in that month you were together does not necessarily have anything to do with romantic affection.

Please be careful not to project your feelings onto him. It’s easy to see only what you want to see. To me, it sounds a lot like he cares, and not so much like he wants to be with you. Don’t get crushed by deciding you ought to be together when it isn’t what both people want.

If there’s no click this weekend – and don’t spend the whole camping trip waiting for it, wanting it, expecting it, or asking for it – set your sights elsewhere and put him back in the friend zone he has for so long inhabited. Don’t set yourself up for heartbreak. There are plenty of people out there who would love you to be in their girlfriend zone and he can, hopefully, go back to being the best buddy that he was before.


Auntie Jaeci


Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: