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May 2011 31

by Daniel Robert Epstein

“My sexuality is fluid.”
– Sandra Bernhard

I’’ve had a crush on Sandra Bernhard ever since her spread in Playboy years ago. But even before that I loved her comedy and her work in films like Hudson Hawk (Ball! Ball!) and her great role on Roseanne. But Bernhard is best known for her acerbic comedy showcased in the many CDs she has released. Her latest is Everything Bad and Beautiful, and it’s her best yet.

Read our exclusive interview with Sandra Bernhard on SuicideGirls.com.

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May 2011 27

by Mur Lafferty

SuicdeGirls presents the ninth installment of our Fiction Friday sci-fi series, Marco and the Red Granny, which is brought to you by SG columnist Mighty Mur a.k.a. cyber commentator Mur Lafferty.

Marco and the Red Granny is set in a not-so-distant future where an alien species, the Li-Jun, has transformed the moon into the new artistic center of the universe, where the Sally Ride Lunar Base soon gains the nickname “Mollywood.” These aliens can do amazing things with art and the senses, allowing a painting, for example, to stimulate senses other than sight.

In the previous installments, Marco, a writer whose career has long been in the doldrums, gets a surprise call from an agent he thought he no longer had, informing him that he had received an offer from Mollywood for a much coveted Li-Jun patronage.

Keen to catch up career-wise with his ex-GF Penelope, who’d unceremoniously dumped him after being recruited by the Li-Jun two years earlier, Marco jumps on the next shuttle to the moon. Once aboard, he finds himself sitting next to a seemingly unassuming old lady called Heather, who turns out to be The Red Granny, a legend in Li-Jun’s reality show world for being a three-time champion of The Most Dangerous Game (which requires contestants to sign away the rights to their life).

After settling into his new accommodations at House Blue, Marco has a brief meeting with his new patron, a Li-Jun called Thirteen. It’s only then that Marco realizes he’s never been shown the terms of his employment, and a sense of unease sets in. That evening, Marco is taken on a trip to see The Red Granny in action in The Most Dangerous Game. After a bloody battle, the senior reality TV star is again victorious. The viciousness of the game however, leaves The Red Granny unconscious, and Marco shocked, disturbed, and in need of a stiff drink.

Unfortunately stiff drinks are frowned upon by the Li-Jun, so at the 2Two2, a bar specifically created for humans, Marco has to console himself with a fisheye – a drink that tastes of oranges and spice, and contains the story A Study in Scarlet by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. As soon as he finishes it, a second drink appears in front of him. When he asks who bought it, the barkeep points to a woman across the room who looks suspiciously like Penelope. Deciding to call it a night, Marco is escorted home to House Blue.

The next day, Marco learns first hand about the process that enables the Li-Jun to put taste into paintings, music into pie, and stories into (nonalcoholic) beverages. Having had his deepest and most depraved memories dredged up in a claustrophobic sensory deprivation tank so they can be monitored and recorded, Marco is in need of a shower. However, having been thoroughly probed by the aliens, he knows no amount of water will wash his mind clean of the experience.

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May 2011 27

by Aaron Colter

I didn’t ask to be born. None of us did. But there are still some really good things in life. Think about it! Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens . . . and boobs. Anyway, it’s my birthday, so I think about these things, and dying. Out of all forms of entertainment, music makes me feel the most of alive. We should all go to a concert soon, together, and make-out. Until then, here are some songs that get the blood pumping.

[..]

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May 2011 27

by Nicole Powers

“It was an important film to be made.”
– Chris O’Dowd

Chris O’Dowd’s breakthrough role was playing uber geek Roy Tenneman in the Emmy Award winning British sitcom The IT Crowd. His character is well endowed in the information technology department but not so blessed when it comes to social skills. It’s safe to say, however, that in real life the exact opposite is true.

The highly personable Irish actor, who’s starring in three upcoming films – The Boat That Rocked (written by Richard “Bridget Jones” Curtis), Hippie Hippie Shake (with Sienna Miller and Derek Jacobi), and Gulliver’s Travels (with Jack Black and Emily Blunt) – displayed a distinct lack of prowess when it came to dealing with digital phone technology during SuicideGirls protracted attempt to interview him.

The first time Chris called in, he’d just embarked on a hike in the cell phone black hole that is Hollywood’s Runyon Canyon park. Thus our conversation was unintentionally aborted just as it had begun. It would take a total of five phone calls, including two more entirely aborted ones, before our interview was complete.

Read our exclusive interview with Chris O’Dowd on SuicideGirls.com.

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May 2011 26

by Laurelin

Remember that dream from when you were younger? The one where you’re walking the halls of your high school and everyone is looking at you funny and you can’t figure out why, and then you look down and find that you’re naked, and everyone sees you at your most vulnerable. That dream came true for me this past Saturday night. Instead of being involuntarily naked in a dream, it was real life, and I had actually consciously chosen to go nude on a stage in front of a theatre full of strangers.

Naked Girls Reading is exactly what it sounds like. I heard about it randomly one night out in Boston and thought that it would be a perfect wacky event to cover for my Boston nightlife blog. I sat in the darkened theatre at midnight and watched with bated breath as four women came out in beautiful silk robes and sparkling jewelry and fantastic heels, and one by one, they approached the microphone, dropped their robes, and read to the audience from a book. Was anyone listening to them? I kept losing track of what they were saying because I was just so amazed, they were there… naked, for everyone to see.

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May 2011 26

by Damon Martin

“Tracy, we really fucked up this time.”

The Wolfpack is back and in perfect form as The Hangover Part II opens in theaters and brings with it a sequel that rivals the original.

After a nearly half a billion dollar first film, director Todd Phillips brought the heat to amp up the energy for a second feature following Phil, Stu, Alan and Doug, this time as they travel to Thailand for a wedding. It’s Dr. Stu Price (well he’s really just a dentist) taking his vows this time, but he’s bringing his nearest and dearest to his fiancée’s homeland for the ceremony.

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May 2011 26

by A.J. Focht

The weekend came and went with no signs of raptors or the rapture (except this). In fact, no apocalypse of any kind occurred, much to the disappointment of Harold Camping’s followers, and the delight and derision of most of the nerd population. That’s not to say that the CDC didn’t already have it – and you – covered, as they explained with the release of America’s official Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness 101 outline this last week. While there was no immediate need to put it to use, it’s very existence grants a bit of extra hope for the American citizen (except for those of us who can make out that massive gaping holes in the plan).

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