by Laurelin

I enter this week with a heavy heart. Usually I have something to look forward to, some great event that with the passing of each shift at work I can say that I’m one day closer to. I enter this week with a heavy heart because I have no one, no increased heartbeat when my cell phone lights up on the end of the bar because it might be him. There is no him. I enter this week with a heavy heart because when I look ahead I see only the same thing day after day; I see only what I feel the majority of the world sees: plain and boring monotony. My heart is heavy, and it’s crushing me.

This week is my chance to shine at work. With my boss on vacation for one week I am the next in line, so this building and everyone in it is mine to run. My walls, my liquor, my beer taps and kegs, my neon lights and my whole staff. Seven straight days of bartending to make sure nothing goes wrong, to make sure this place looks better than when it was left this past Monday. But with no days off to look forward to I can’t help but feel like I’m in a war zone. No Boston waterfront for the fourth of July, no sunshine in my face at the beach, my tan lines fade and my eyes lose their spark as I adjust to sixty-three hours indoors. Even breathing becomes boring.

I fight the sinking realization that this means for one week I am left alone with my own head, my own abilities or inabilities. I have no time to drink with friends until it’s all numb, until I can only laugh about everything that right now seems so overwhelming. I have only time to wonder if I am really upset about working so much, or if I am upset about being able to drink too little. I know it’s only one week; after this weekend my schedule is back to normal, but for some reason the days seep by slowly like spilled molasses.

To make a change one must desire change and create change. I desire change. I also desire sunshine. I desire men, and I desire sangria. Instead, this week, I get sixty-three hours. This week I get discipline, ruling others, and myself. This week I bitch slap my liver and other neglected body parts so they don’t fall into misuse. This week, it will take everything in me not to fade to dust…

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by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rin

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I recently ended the second relationship in a row with what can most appropriately be called a psycho. I know that I am not the root cause as others around me can confirm that she was indeed off her rocker. I am thoroughly fed up with being with women who have a loose grip on reality at best and I would like to figure out what it is about me that is either attracted to this type of woman initially or what attracts them to me. I like women with a strong will and personality but that has been translating into absolutely crazy women not strong willed women. If there is someway you can help me separate these to qualities I would forever be in your debt.

A: I can totally understand why this problem would be vexing you! Dating patterns can be kind of difficult to get to the bottom of.

A good way to find out if a person is insane is to take time getting to know them. Don’t jump straight to dating. Spending time getting to know a woman will let you see different facets of her personality. See how she deals with problems. When issues arise, does she take responsibility for her own actions, and admit when she has acted wrongly? Does she have many long-term friends? Does she blame other people for all the bad things in her life?

Once you figure out how she reacts in all these different situations, you will have a good idea if she is batshit insane or a tough woman who knows how to take care of herself. When you meet someone you’re attracted to, it’s tempting to pursue it immediately, but if you want to break your psycho-cycle it’s best to take things a bit more slowly.

I can’t speak to what in you might be attracted to crazy women – do you like drama? Do you like having someone to take care of? Does your mother have a strong grip on sanity? Are you afraid of having a serious relationship, so you unconsciously seek out situations that will self-destruct? Sometimes like attracts like – maybe you have some of your own issues to deal with before you will be a really stable boyfriend. It’s worth examining your own motives in this context to see how you might be drawn to these women.

Rin

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Brad Warner

A guy named James wrote to me and asked:

“Could you explain rebirth to me like I’m five? I’ve never been able to grasp a knowledge of this.”

I answered him thusly; Rebirth is a myth that some Buddhists believe in. It might be loosely based on fact. But it might just be a fantasy.

I used the word myth to define the Buddhist idea of rebirth. These days a lot of people use the word myth as a synonym for falsehood. But that’s not the proper meaning of the word. A myth is a way of explaining something for which there is no good literal explanation. A myth is not necessarily false. But it doesn’t have to accord with fact.

A myth is not untrue because it fails to accord with fact. It can be true but not in the way scientific explanations or histories are true. A myth can be true without being factual.

But it’s important that we don’t believe in our myths in the same way we believe in science and history. The problem that contemporary Christianity and Islam have is that many of the people who follow those faiths insist that their myths are true in the same way that scientific facts and histories are true.

A lot of Buddhists, particularly but not exclusively in the West, make the same mistake with Buddhist myths. This is especially true when it comes to Buddhist myths about rebirth. We read mythical books, like the Tibetan Book of the Dead for example, and we want to interpret them as being empirically true. But they aren’t.

My personal experience with zazen practice leads me to the conclusion that my previous understanding about what I was and what the world was, was incorrect. Based on some of what I’ve touched firsthand in my real experience, I might be tempted to spin out my own myths about rebirth. But none of those myths would really explain what I’ve seen any better than the myth of Noah’s Ark explains its writer’s understanding of God and the way God rewards virtue. And if you believed my myth about rebirth as a literal truth, you’d be no better off than those people who insist that a long time ago an old man really did put two of every real animal in a real boat and floated on real water for forty real days and forty real nights.

Brad Warner is the author of Sex, Sin and Zen: A Buddhist Exploration of Sex from Celibacy to Polyamory and Everything in Between as well as Hardcore Zen, Sit Down and Shut Up! and Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff that you can click here to see. You can also buy T-shirts and hoodies based on his books, and the new CD by his band Zero Defex now!
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by Daniel Robert Epstein

’”It’s not a movie about pornography but how our individual sensibilities get formed.”
– Brian Grazer

I was very excited to talk to Brian Grazer. Not only has he worked on some of my favorite films such as Night Shift, Armed and Dangerous and Bowfinger, it’’s just so rare to get to talk to a person that only produces. I get to talk to actors, writers and directors everyday but a powerful producer on par with Joel Silver and Jerry Bruckheimer, almost never.

It’’s to be expected that Grazer would come out to promote the documentary Inside Deep Throat because it’s been a passion project of his for many years. In fact at one point he had the rights to do a biopic on Linda Lovelace, but that didn’t work out.

Read our exclusive interview with Brian Grazer on SuicideGirls.com.

by Daniel Robert Epstein

“I like finding the areas where fiction and non-fiction overlap”
– Pola Rapaport

Pola Rapaport is the filmmaker behind the unique documentary Writer of O. Through interviews and dramatizations this documentary tells the story of Dominique Aury the woman who wrote the controversial and sexually provocative Story of O. Written in France in the mid-50’s, Story of O is about a beautiful Parisian fashion photographer who is in love with a man named Rene. As part of that intense love, she demands debasement and severe sexual and psychological tests.

Read our exclusive interview with Pola Rapaport on SuicideGirls.com.

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Jeckyl

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: Ok, so I have this problem. I am friends with this girl who I now have a lot of feelings for. I would like to take our relationship to the next level and try dating. I have asked her about it and she says that she doesn’t want to mess up our friendship right now. When we are hanging out with my friends and her friends, they all tell me that she really likes me. I don’t know what to do about it.


A: Well, maybe you don’t need to do anything about it. Remember she said she doesn’t want to mess up your friendship “right now” – this doesn’t mean that a relationship is completely out of the question. Just not a likelihood at this point. She knows that you have feelings for her, and you know that she has feelings for you. You’ve obviously discussed this and she’s given you her opinion. With everything out in the open, all there’s really left to do is wait.


The basis of any great relationship is the ability to put the other person’s feelings above your own, so I think it’d be wise to respect her decision. If both parties or one party aren’t ready for the next step, pushing it only leads to resentment in the long run.

Instead, right now focus on nurturing what you already have. If more comes of it, great but, if not, that’s fine too. Take the time to really consider what it is that you want. A good friendship doesn’t necessarily translate into a good relationship. Dating is a completely different ballgame.

Also consider the effect it’ll have on your friendship if this relationship goes south. Make sure it’s worth the risk.
You’d be very wise to consider all the implications of your choices before you make them because there’s really no going back.


Dating your friend is sometimes a lot harder than dating a stranger. You don’t get a clean slate and you only get one shot. Make sure that, when the time comes, you’re ready and you do it right. Love is hard to find and you don’t want to ruin something that had the potential to be amazing.

Best of luck, whatever your final decision may be. I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

Jeckyl

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Blogbot

This Sunday (June 24th at 10 PM PST) on SuicideGirls Radio, in celebration of Pride month we welcome three guests who have enlightened views on what it means to love. Filmmaker Cassie Jaye (Daddy I Do and Right To Love) and inspirational speaker and lifestyle coach Jesse Brune will be joining SG radio host Nicole Powers (SG’s Managing Ed) and co-hosts Darrah de jour (SG’s Red, White & Femme post-feminist sex & sensuality columnist) and Moxie Suicide (SG model and self proclaimed sexpert) live in studio. Acclaimed author Inga Muscio (Rose: Llove in Violent Times and Cunt: A Declaration of Independence) will also be joining us by phone.

Listen to the world’s leading naked radio show live on Sunday nights from 10 PM til Midnight on suicidegirlsradio.indie1031.com/
(Hit the top right “listen Live” button!)

For updates on all things SG Radio-related, like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

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