When SuicideGilrs last spoke with The Daily Show’s Senior Women’s Issues Commentator, Kristen Schaal, she was in the process of doing exhaustive research for a sex guide she was penning with her boyfriend, Daily Show staff writer Rich Blomquist. Two years later, after much sweat, tears, soiled sheets and general stickiness – their rigorously field-tested manual, The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex, is in stores. In this excerpt, Schaal and Blomquist take a peak through a Glory Wormhole to give us an incite into the future of sex.

In the future, you’ll be having the best sex of your life, and your partner won’t even be there. No, you won’t be masturbating (at least not every time). You’ll be fucking each other thousands of miles apart with the help of remote stimulation devices known as teledildos.

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by Blogbot

This Sunday (10/3) on SuicideGirls Radio our very special in-studio guest will be Tonight Show and Onion News Network writer Todd Levin, who’ll be talking about his new book, Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk. Described as “the most irresponsible book written on the subject of sexuality since The Berenstain Bears Host a Key Party” by former Tonight Show host Conan O’Brien, the book is arguably one of the most unhelpful sex manuals on the market today. Featuring at best plain bad advice and at worst utterly inaccurate facts, the 232 page compendium of copulation disinformation is, on the plus side, as amusing as it is misleading.

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By Malloreigh

Dating is immeasurably frustrating. It’s not like the dating pool is huge to begin with – sure, there are lots of people out there, but we all have our tastes, our proclivities, our peculiarities. Sometimes we fall in lust with someone totally unavailable; sometimes the opposite happens; sometimes we like someone enough to date them and only find out after we’ve given away our hearts that they are fake poser liar cheating assholes. Ahem. Sorry, it’s not like I’m speaking from personal experience…

So imagine dating; imagine how difficult, how awkward, how soul-killing it is. Now, throw being a vegan into the mix. I’ve been on a few dates with people who chose to be totally offensive and disrespectful of my eating preferences. That, my friends, is a dealbreaker – so the next time you’re on a date with a vegan, don’t make any of those tacky jokes, and don’t try to feed your restricted-diet potential lover a bite of your steak at dinner – it’s just rude.

But wait, it gets better. Some vegans choose not to sleep with meat-eaters altogether. Some vegans go so far as to only sleep with other vegans. It’s a phenomenon called “vegansexuality” – and I think it’d be more common among vegans if it weren’t so damn hard to find other eligible, attractive vegans. But despite the extra effort involved – a vegan-only dating diet can be worth it in more ways than one. See, when your diet is poor – and this includes not only meat, but soda, alcohol, cigarettes – it affects your health, which in turn – pay attention! – affects the way you smell and taste. (Sometimes, it also affects your asshole factor. See above.)

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by Damon Martin

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

The Supreme Court of the United States of America will soon be taking on a precedent-making case, set to be heard in November of this year, about the reach of the First Amendment when it comes to the realm of video games. Given Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s involvement, I’m going to try to present facts and opinion, and leave out any clichéd quotes such as “Get to da choppa!” or “I’ll be back” as best I can.

In 2005 the State of California passed two statutes, California Assembly Bills 1792 & 1793, which effectively banned the sale of ultra-violent video games to minors. However, the Video Software Dealers Association successfully appealed on the grounds of freedom of expression at the district court level, and the laws were judged to be unconstitutional. The State of California subsequently appealed the decision, and Schwarzenegger vs. Entertainment Merchants Association will bring the issue to the highest court in the land for a final judgment call

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by Brett Warner

Few bands manage to perpetually frustrate their fans the way Weezer does. With each new album, singer/songwriter Rivers Cuomo – a semi-secret musical genius, we’ve been instructed to keep in mind – continues to disappoint a very vocal legion of cynical, skeptical, and especially jaded twenty-to-thirty somethings with one word on their tongues: Pinkerton. No other album in rock history (save maybe Sgt. Pepper) gets tossed around as much; you won’t find any Weezer album review after 2001 that fails to mention it. The 1996 proto-emo classic was a commercial flop upon its release, but word of mouth and the band’s 5-year hiatus lifted it to cult classic status. Its supporters tend to hail the album’s intensely personal lyrics: a smorgasbord of frustrations aimed at groupies, lesbians, Asian girls, and Cuomo’s various other insecurities. Weezer’s latest album Hurley (their first on independent label Epitaph Records) has gotten some choice positive reviews, many comparing its rougher, lo-fi sound to Pinkerton’s – but still, many rock fans seem unwilling (or unable) to give the band another chance. To them, the deeply confessional tone of Pinkerton’s songs has been replaced on post-millennial Weezer records with sarcastic, ironic, sophomoric humor – when in actuality, Weezer have never been ironic. They are quite possibly the only completely honest, agenda-less band to come out of the ’90s alternative boom. So why the shift in general cultural opinion of the group? The reason why Weezer continues to frustrate listeners is because they draw attention to the generational shift between X and Y listeners. Throughout this significant transition in social attitudes, Weezer have remained remarkably consistent – we’re the ones who’ve changed.

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by Nicole Powers

With her idiosyncratic style, DIY aesthetic, and kick-ass attitude, Tank Girl, who made her debut in Deadline in 1988, is without question a proto-SG. I was therefore jolly chuffed to receive a spiffy, glossy bound copy of her latest adventure, Skidmarks. Written by Tank Girl co-creator Alan Martin and drawn by the awesomely awesome* Rufus Dayglo, the gzillion thrills a minute plot is basically Wacky Races for an audience with a penchant for punk rock, smelly chicks (Tankie rolls with a pungent aroma), on-fire farts (see previous) and esoteric references.

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by Nahp Suicide

Coca-Cola brings unexpected happiness with a vending machine that, when deployed and engaged, dispenses way more than a bottle of fun-tastic flavored corn syrup and water. After slipping in a buck, or however much it costs to sate your thirst these days, unwitting users on a college campus were deluged by Coke bottles, which they proceeded to share with their peers. Others got bouquets of flowers or balloon animals from seemingly disembodied hands, and somehow a 20-foot sub even appeared out of the 18-inch deep machine.

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