by Laurelin

I enter this week with a heavy heart. Usually I have something to look forward to, some great event that with the passing of each shift at work I can say that I’m one day closer to. I enter this week with a heavy heart because I have no one, no increased heartbeat when my cell phone lights up on the end of the bar because it might be him. There is no him. I enter this week with a heavy heart because when I look ahead I see only the same thing day after day; I see only what I feel the majority of the world sees: plain and boring monotony. My heart is heavy, and it’s crushing me.

This week is my chance to shine at work. With my boss on vacation for one week I am the next in line, so this building and everyone in it is mine to run. My walls, my liquor, my beer taps and kegs, my neon lights and my whole staff. Seven straight days of bartending to make sure nothing goes wrong, to make sure this place looks better than when it was left this past Monday. But with no days off to look forward to I can’t help but feel like I’m in a war zone. No Boston waterfront for the fourth of July, no sunshine in my face at the beach, my tan lines fade and my eyes lose their spark as I adjust to sixty-three hours indoors. Even breathing becomes boring.

I fight the sinking realization that this means for one week I am left alone with my own head, my own abilities or inabilities. I have no time to drink with friends until it’s all numb, until I can only laugh about everything that right now seems so overwhelming. I have only time to wonder if I am really upset about working so much, or if I am upset about being able to drink too little. I know it’s only one week; after this weekend my schedule is back to normal, but for some reason the days seep by slowly like spilled molasses.

To make a change one must desire change and create change. I desire change. I also desire sunshine. I desire men, and I desire sangria. Instead, this week, I get sixty-three hours. This week I get discipline, ruling others, and myself. This week I bitch slap my liver and other neglected body parts so they don’t fall into misuse. This week, it will take everything in me not to fade to dust…

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by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rin

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I recently ended the second relationship in a row with what can most appropriately be called a psycho. I know that I am not the root cause as others around me can confirm that she was indeed off her rocker. I am thoroughly fed up with being with women who have a loose grip on reality at best and I would like to figure out what it is about me that is either attracted to this type of woman initially or what attracts them to me. I like women with a strong will and personality but that has been translating into absolutely crazy women not strong willed women. If there is someway you can help me separate these to qualities I would forever be in your debt.

A: I can totally understand why this problem would be vexing you! Dating patterns can be kind of difficult to get to the bottom of.

A good way to find out if a person is insane is to take time getting to know them. Don’t jump straight to dating. Spending time getting to know a woman will let you see different facets of her personality. See how she deals with problems. When issues arise, does she take responsibility for her own actions, and admit when she has acted wrongly? Does she have many long-term friends? Does she blame other people for all the bad things in her life?

Once you figure out how she reacts in all these different situations, you will have a good idea if she is batshit insane or a tough woman who knows how to take care of herself. When you meet someone you’re attracted to, it’s tempting to pursue it immediately, but if you want to break your psycho-cycle it’s best to take things a bit more slowly.

I can’t speak to what in you might be attracted to crazy women – do you like drama? Do you like having someone to take care of? Does your mother have a strong grip on sanity? Are you afraid of having a serious relationship, so you unconsciously seek out situations that will self-destruct? Sometimes like attracts like – maybe you have some of your own issues to deal with before you will be a really stable boyfriend. It’s worth examining your own motives in this context to see how you might be drawn to these women.

Rin

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Daniel Robert Epstein

’”It’s not a movie about pornography but how our individual sensibilities get formed.”
– Brian Grazer

I was very excited to talk to Brian Grazer. Not only has he worked on some of my favorite films such as Night Shift, Armed and Dangerous and Bowfinger, it’’s just so rare to get to talk to a person that only produces. I get to talk to actors, writers and directors everyday but a powerful producer on par with Joel Silver and Jerry Bruckheimer, almost never.

It’’s to be expected that Grazer would come out to promote the documentary Inside Deep Throat because it’s been a passion project of his for many years. In fact at one point he had the rights to do a biopic on Linda Lovelace, but that didn’t work out.

Read our exclusive interview with Brian Grazer on SuicideGirls.com.

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Jeckyl

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: Ok, so I have this problem. I am friends with this girl who I now have a lot of feelings for. I would like to take our relationship to the next level and try dating. I have asked her about it and she says that she doesn’t want to mess up our friendship right now. When we are hanging out with my friends and her friends, they all tell me that she really likes me. I don’t know what to do about it.


A: Well, maybe you don’t need to do anything about it. Remember she said she doesn’t want to mess up your friendship “right now” – this doesn’t mean that a relationship is completely out of the question. Just not a likelihood at this point. She knows that you have feelings for her, and you know that she has feelings for you. You’ve obviously discussed this and she’s given you her opinion. With everything out in the open, all there’s really left to do is wait.


The basis of any great relationship is the ability to put the other person’s feelings above your own, so I think it’d be wise to respect her decision. If both parties or one party aren’t ready for the next step, pushing it only leads to resentment in the long run.

Instead, right now focus on nurturing what you already have. If more comes of it, great but, if not, that’s fine too. Take the time to really consider what it is that you want. A good friendship doesn’t necessarily translate into a good relationship. Dating is a completely different ballgame.

Also consider the effect it’ll have on your friendship if this relationship goes south. Make sure it’s worth the risk.
You’d be very wise to consider all the implications of your choices before you make them because there’s really no going back.


Dating your friend is sometimes a lot harder than dating a stranger. You don’t get a clean slate and you only get one shot. Make sure that, when the time comes, you’re ready and you do it right. Love is hard to find and you don’t want to ruin something that had the potential to be amazing.

Best of luck, whatever your final decision may be. I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

Jeckyl

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Blogbot

This Sunday (June 24th at 10 PM PST) on SuicideGirls Radio, in celebration of Pride month we welcome three guests who have enlightened views on what it means to love. Filmmaker Cassie Jaye (Daddy I Do and Right To Love) and inspirational speaker and lifestyle coach Jesse Brune will be joining SG radio host Nicole Powers (SG’s Managing Ed) and co-hosts Darrah de jour (SG’s Red, White & Femme post-feminist sex & sensuality columnist) and Moxie Suicide (SG model and self proclaimed sexpert) live in studio. Acclaimed author Inga Muscio (Rose: Llove in Violent Times and Cunt: A Declaration of Independence) will also be joining us by phone.

Listen to the world’s leading naked radio show live on Sunday nights from 10 PM til Midnight on suicidegirlsradio.indie1031.com/
(Hit the top right “listen Live” button!)

For updates on all things SG Radio-related, like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

[..]

by Laurelin

I promised I would never write about him again, and it’s amazing how easy that promise has been to keep. (This totally doesn’t count.) I haven’t wanted to, needed to. I’ve had nothing to say worth even remotely remembering. I remember this feeling before, just like all the others. That slow creeping suspicion that you feel fine, that he’s on your mind but not as close to the surface as he was the day before. With it comes this really stupid lost feeling: like, what am I going to DO now that I’m not thinking about it all the time? The answer is very simple: anything I fucking want.

I find myself smiling for no reason throughout the day because all of a sudden I’m no longer trapped in my own mind. I’m acutely aware of the sunlight shining off the top of the Prudential Center and how my city is so beautifully illuminated in the summer even in the midst of concrete. The Charles River glistens as I listen to the sound of my own feet slapping against the sidewalk and I’m running for me, not because he’ll only like me if I’m thin like all the other girls. I feel almost like this was a test, to see if I could pull myself out of the quicksand and be all the better for it.

Granted I haven’t been tested yet. I’m dreading the moment I run into him somewhere. I can imagine my blood turning to ice and my stomach turning. That’s one thing that never changed, feeling like I’ve been punched in the gut every time I see him. One can only hope that whatever dreams he chooses to chase take him far away from where I’ve already found mine.

It’s cloudy in Boston today, and I’m shivering writing this on my porch on my day off. I’m planning my usual Tuesday night city waterfront sangria crawl and I have a new phone number in my phone and the memory of smiling last night at my bar, my heart pounding as I’m pouring this guy a drink and inviting him to come out –– someone new. I’ll go to the same spots and do the same things, but it will be different. Maybe tonight’s the night I’ll stop looking for him every time the door opens.

“What do you guys think?” I ask the waitresses once he finishes his drink and walks out.

“So. Hot,” they say, and I smile.

Outside on my porch, the clouds roll in as the wind picks up. It’s getting colder but I don’t care. For once it’s beautiful, not gray to match my mood. I could sit out here all day.

[..]

by Bradley Suicide

“I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt, ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends.”
– Penny Lane, Almost Famous, 2000

Am I always going to be the Penny Lane?

That’s the question I find myself asking again and again. As I have stated previously, I have a thing for rock stars (yes, I mean that in the literal sense of the term). Past experience has taught me to lump the good in with the bad and roll with it. Dating a musician is hard enough, then you add the famous component and you can imagine how complicated things can get. Emotionally, I am in a constant state of turmoil. There is never a dull moment, that’s for sure. But that’s also probably half of the appeal. The uncertainty, the roaming from city to city, being the pretty girl on the arm, and knowing that – even though there are thousands of girls in the audience screaming for him – I’m the one that’s with him. That ‘jet-setting never know what you’re going to get’ life is one that I love and feed off of. But I can’t help but wonder, am I ever going to be the girl that they settle down with? Am I ever going to get my rock star version of happily ever after? Will I be the one that gets all of the kind words, the sweet looks, the hugs and the kisses, but not the commitment in the end when all is said and done? Am I going to always be the Marilyn and never the Jackie?

This thought began to eat at me. Especially because at the moment I am seeing someone that I could easily see myself being with for the long term if the chips fall that way. The more I pondered this, the more depressed I began to feel. So what did I do? I called my very close friend from back home. As I sat on the phone with him and painfully explained the situation he came at me with a point that made everything snap into focus. Below is what he told me,

“Screw all of that. Stay strong and confident in who you are. Own it. Be it. Say, ‘If I’m a Penny Lane then fuck ya I’m proud.’ There are a lot of people who go through life in denial, trying to fool themselves as to who they are. You have to know about yourself and who you are. You can’t live a genuine life unless you know who you are. Then own it and be who you are. You don’t have to apologize for anything. I look at it like this: if someone doesn’t like me that’s cool, I’m not here because I need you to justify my existence. I’m cool with who I am. Self awareness is sexy. Don’t apologize, don’t lie, and don’t cover up who you are. I attract people who are like-minded. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else.”

Those wise words, from a wise friend made everything so much more clear. Why would I ever want to be something that I’m not? I am who I am, and if you can’t handle me as a Marilyn for the long term then you just straight up don’t deserve me. Plus I would probably end up driving you crazy with my drunken antics and blonde girl escapades that you would end up with a heart condition and losing your hair from stress. Maybe it’s just like Carrie Bradshaw said, “Some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with” (I swear, those Sex & the City writers had shit on point).

Since talking with my friend I have also realized another excellent side of this whole equation. Some women would be happy being the Jackie. Getting wifed up, having the 2.5 kids, the white picket fence and having dinner ready to go when the hubby gets home from his 9-5…I am just not one of them. If I had to settle down and have a “normal” life I think I would become a horrible bitter and depressed mess. Maybe trying to be the Jackie is the worst thing for me, trying to fit that mold would be me trying to be something that I am not, a square peg in a round hole sort of a deal. Part of me wishes that I wanted the perfect little life of being on the PTA, having the dog named spot, the whole package, because I feel like my heart would be a lot more protected and life would be a lot less complicated. I just can’t see myself being happy with it.

So screw it. I have realized that I want something different from the average bear in every facet of my life, so why would my love life be any different? I have realized that I am who I am. I am a complicated, crazy, fun loving blonde who wants to be young, wild, and usually drunk. I want the life that I want and I am not going to worry about where it takes me. And I’m not changing myself to court others’ approval. Things will work out the way that they are supposed to and I will end up with MY version of happily ever after someday. I am really not sure at this point what that is, but who says that I need to know right now? I firmly believe that when I find it, I will know its right. So what if I am the Marilyn or the Penny Lane? If you don’t like it then I don’t need you in my life, simple as that. I am owning this part of me. I am not ashamed and I am not apologetic about who I am. If you can’t handle me then we aren’t meant to be, rock star or not.

I don’t know where this pothole-riddled road will take me, but riding that road across the world in a tour bus or two has made for a pretty fun trip so far. Party on.

Xoxo
Bradley

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