by SG’s Team Agony feat. Yulia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: So here’s my problem, while I’m sure it is not unique it’s the first time I’ve come across it. I am interested in a woman that is a single parent. I am one too. However, my access to my son is alternating weekends, whereas she is, from what I can tell, the only parent in the picture. As I’m sure you can guess, this makes going out very difficult for her.

Sincerely, trying to remember how to date!

A: You are in a tough and confusing situation, for sure! It’s hard enough beginning any relationship after being single for a long time, but you’re interested in someone whose first concern will always be for her daughter. Even if she is actively hoping to get together with you, her desire is not her priority. Because you mention childcare I will assume her daughter is young.

It’s nerve-racking when you’ve flown solo for so long but finally have feelings for someone else. It can feel like you’re hitting puberty all over again — figuratively speaking — and experiencing that first crush. What do you say? How do you let her know? How do you know what she feels? Even though you’re past this initial stage and have already planned on spending time together, you’re still waiting for the first date. If at all possible, try to see this as anticipation and excitement rather than frustration. I’m not suggesting you stop trying to plan, but that you focus on what could be and share these feelings with the woman you’re into and maybe it will motivate her to find a good babysitter.

Easier said than done, I know. Is her child very young, or old enough to understand a few things? If we’re talking about an infant, this won’t apply, but if the child is in school than your love interest may be worried about how that child will feel if his or her mother is dating. You say there’s no father in the picture, so the mother may fear her child will get attached to quickly or immediately see you as a potential dad. She may also fear the child will see you as competition for attention. She may not want the child to see her go through the range of emotions relationships bring. However, she has expressed interest in seeing you, so if she is deeply concerned about any of this, she may be willing to see you if you agree to underplay the significance of your relationship in front of the child (at least for now). There is nothing wrong with this! Many single parents choose to wait for months before telling their children about a relationship. They aren’t lying or hiding their partners; they’re simply making sure this is important enough to share with the kids. When it is, it will be that much more meaningful.

If that’s not the case, could you suggest getting together with the kids? If both your children are there it will seem more natural, and you could even fudge the storyline a bit by telling the kids you’re friends from work, Say you just happened to have four tickets to the ball game and needed two more people. Just don’t alter the truth too often or someone will catch on. Kids aren’t stupid!

Meanwhile, perhaps there’s a way you can help her find child care. Do you know any great babysitters? Do you have any responsible relatives nearby looking for a bit of extra work? If money is an issue, offer to split the cost of a babysitter. If trust is an issue, you could suggest meeting with candidates and then inviting them to spend time with both mother and child to create that trust.

Above all, pay attention to non-verbal signs you get from her. Is she really interested, but concerned about her kid’s reaction? Is she into you, but nervous for herself? Maybe she hasn’t dated in a long time either, or maybe you are the first person she has felt an attraction to since the child’s father. Try to find some common ground in your struggles to get together and work from there.

Yulia

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Smythe

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: My boyfriend is great! We have an adventurous sex life. We’re open and young and love each other very much. We have a 3-month old son, but that hasn’t changed our sex life much. Recently though, my boyfriend’s been avoiding sex. It doesn’t matter if I play hard to get or if I’m throwing myself at him or anything in between, he’s just not into it. Why could this be?

A: There have been A LOT of changes in you and your boyfriend’s life. You were pregnant, and had a kid. Whoa. Huge deal. Is it possibly stress related? There’s a big shift in responsibility, both personal and financial. He could be freaking out a little.

You mentioned that you have an adventurous sex life with your boyfriend. Great! But, do you both feel that way? What might make things amazing for you in the sack, might not be what lights his fire.

The thing is, it could be almost anything under the sun causing him to have an aversion to sex. But no matter what you think it might be that is causing a lack of umph in bedroom, you’re never going to know until you talk to him. Sit him down and have an open and honest conversation, without judgment.

Smythe

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I’ve been in a serious rut lately. I don’t know if it has to do with my approaching 30th birthday, my increased responsibility at work, my lack of any romantic interest in anyone besides an ex that I just want out of my head, or a lethal combination of all of these things. Either way, I haven’t been very happy lately, and I really don’t feel like myself. I feel…lost. Sad. Alone. Rejected. Like I’m standing in a crowded room screaming — and no one can hear me, or the ones who can just don’t care.

I know it is nothing more than a temporary hiccup in an otherwise smooth existence, so I have been dealing with this the best way I know how: drinking, reading, working out, whatever. I’m choosing one night a week to do something really fun and taking it to the next level in a vain attempt to forget that for one second, when I go home, I will probably just start to cry about the same thing over and over again.

The one constant in my recent fall from my ever-perfect life is my ex-boyfriend from a few years ago. He was the person who inspired me to start writing this column; first in anger, then as time went on in friendship and in unwavering support. He moved to Los Angeles about five months ago. His leaving made me feel like a part of my life was seriously over. I felt conflicted; devastated and happy at the same time. This city eats bartenders alive, and he was ready for a change. We always said we would go together, and when we broke up I was the one dead set on leaving… but I wound up staying, and months later, he left, and I cried.

He knows me better than most of my girlfriends, and when I call him drunk and crying about another guy at 4 AM, he always answers and he always knows just what to say. Just hearing his voice on the other end of the line is like being thrown a rope, something to keep me hanging on for just a little bit longer.

“You were crying about birthday cake,” he said the other morning, “it was cute, and sad.” Birthday cake, the one that I had custom made for a guy who never showed up for his party I helped plan in Boston, and who shut off his phone when I called to ask what was going on. Instead, I carted the cake home to my apartment and my roommates and we tore it apart; ate half of it and threw the rest in the trash. And I got drunk and I cried, because I was an idiot to care about someone who never cared for me, again.

And then, a few weeks ago, my ex called from LA to say he was coming home. He had had enough of California, and for once, I didn’t cry. He was coming home and finally, maybe, things could get back to normal. He’s been back for two days, and when I woke up this morning I was tangled up in him and for once, I didn’t feel lost.

I woke up, I took his clothes and I washed them with mine. I pulled his old dusty Tupperware container out of the closet and got him new socks and underwear and one of his T-shirts. I made coffee while he slept, and when he woke up he rubbed my back because I had run twelve miles in the rain the day before and I was cold and sore, and we were happy.

We might not be together anymore, and I don’t want to be, to be honest. We’re clearly both lost, but we take care of each other, for now. Sometimes, when you’re in a rut it’s nice to have someone throw you a rope. Other times it’s nice to have someone climb down and sit there with you until you’re ready to muster the strength to get out on your own.

[..]

by Bradley Suicide

The coast is clear, the view is distorted.

I have found myself newly single and have thus been thrown head first into the sad and sorry existence that is the dating scene. I am the first to admit that I have no patience for this type ordeal (and yes, it is an ordeal at times). I am probably every dude’s nightmare when it comes to being approachable, and then on top of that, it takes a very certain person to hold my attention for more than a minute or two. That certain type of person, unfortunately, is generally what our society refers to as a “douche bag.’ Yes, I have a firm belief that my “picker” if you will, is pretty much busted.

Through the trials and tribulations that I have been through since my single life has started up again, I have learned a few things. Coping with being alone is no easy task, and coming out of the security a three year relationship makes singledom all the more of a shock. It can also, at times, be an absolute blast, but easy and fun are not necessarily synonymous.

When I first became the newly single me, I felt pretty lost and found myself starting to see someone right off the bat. Not seriously, but in my naïve little heart I thought that it could lead to something long term. I was definitely mistaken. He was one of those guys that we have all had a run in with on some level. Extremely charismatic, good looking, acted like he wanted to give me everything that I wanted, blah, blah, blah. In the end we went out a few times, hooked up for a while, and then, well, let’s just say my rose-tinted spectacles fell off with a thud. I was not heartbroken by any means (ego bruised yes, heartbroken, no), but I did get hit with a major dose of reality. This gentleman and I ultimately became very close friends. We still have our fun from time to time, but it’s on my terms now and all of the cards are on the table.

When I look at my single escapades, and yes, there have been many of over the past few months, I just shake my head at my own antics and vow that I will learn and grow from them. This, of course, has yet to happen. Can you really blame me? You take a girl like me and throw me into the singles scene, and shit is going to go down. Especially with my affinity for tattooed boys with an “I don’t give a fuck attitude.”

I am not interested in settling down, at least not with anyone who is emotionally available and I don’t like to sleep alone. This is a dangerous combination. So what is a girl to do? Thus far I have been enjoying the ride. Never turning down a drink and breaking hearts along the way. It’s go time in Bradleyville. We will see where this all takes me.

I have no clue what the next few months will bring. Hell, I don’t know what the next few minutes will. But I do know one thing, I am having fun. Please stay tuned for further developments. I am sure that things are going to get interesting.

Until next time.

Bradley
xoxo

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Aadie

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: My boyfriend of two and a half years and I have been through hell and back on the most emotional roller-coaster imaginable. He’s taken me for granted and broken my heart a couple times in the past, but after this most recent break up he came back and really seems to have his stuff together. Everything has been great and he’s done an awesome job at proving to me he has turned over a new leaf. The issue I am having is little to no sex drive toward him. I love being around him, he’s my best friend, I don’t mind a little affection, but when it comes to sex I have zero motivation or interest. I truly can see myself marrying him and I really want this to work out. Did he break my heart so bad that he broke my vagina too?

Help me!

A: Well, well, well, aren’t we in a pickle. I believe that it is very important in any relationship to be honest with A: YOURSELF and B: YOUR PARTNER!!!

Without honestly you seriously have zip. Could it be possible that now your boyfriend is really just that, a boy that is your friend? I do doubt your vagina is busted, lol, but it is very understandable that maybe your sexual drive towards this individual has subsided indefinitely.

A sex drive is, as you know, an emotional thing. If your boyfriend has broken your heart in multiples maybe your subconscious has just had enough. Maybe.

Another suggestion, spicing things up in the bedroom?? Maybe have him tie you up? Or whatever your into 😉

If you have tried that already, and you’re still not satisfied, at the end of the day, we’re all only going around this planet one time. If you’re not going to make the best of it then what’s the point? Right?

This is your decision. You need to be happy in the end. Sit down with him and have this conversation. If it’s really time for him to go – and for you to move on – then that’s what you should do.

Aadie

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Darrah de jour

Testifying before the UK Parliamentary Committee Tuesday, comedian/actor Russell Brand shed light on the disease of addiction. Already perceived as recalcitrant by the somewhat condescending, but well-meaning bunch, he nonetheless tamed down his usual giddiness/mania (saving it for the finale). Brand chose, instead, to peacock with his floor-length leather jacket, allowing his expertise in recovery and addiction to lead quite impressively.

“There’s some confusion and ignorance around addiction, and it’s quite understandable. A lot of drug addicts, speaking personally, are anti-social…Being arrested is not a lesson. It’s an administrative blip… [when] I had access to abstinence-based recovery I was able to…all but obliterate my criminal activity, apart from the occasional skirmish,” the funny man said.

With the aim of providing firsthand knowledge about addiction, the former heroin-addict (and admitted recovering sex addict) who was arrested eleven times, stressed that addiction is an illness, and thus a health issue – not a judicial one.

“We need to have more compassionate, altruistic, loving attitudes [toward addicts]” he says, levying that his mentor, Chip Somers, the founder of Focus 12, has a rap sheet as long as his arm, including armed robbery, but after twenty-six sober years, is a responsible, contributing member of society.

“What’s significant is the way we socially regard addiction,” Brand said. “The criminalization of addicts is symbolic and not functional.”

He advised the Committee to address the “social, mental and spiritual” problems that are leading people to use drugs. He emphasized that this is not just something that affects young people (as the Committee remained focused on) but all ages. He also delineated that not all people that use drugs are addicts, but for ones that are, he passionately believes in abstinence-only treatment, with awareness and compassion for addicts.

Brand called for resources to be reallocated from criminalizing petty possession to research and treatment of addiction. He also stressed that simply doling out Methadone and other state-sponsored drug “treatments” is futile, and that the UK needs to have accompanying abstinence-based programs for addicts, since most Methadone users, he said, are supplementing the use with other drugs both legal and illegal. Brand makes no distinction between legal and illegal drugs, or alcohol, noting keenly that “young people will always wanna get high.”

High note (pun, uh, intended): Brand quotes “the great” Tupac Shakur at 10:25.

[Full video of Russell Brand and Chip Somers’ testimony in the video above.]

Post-feminist sex and sensuality expert Darrah de jour is a freelance journalist who lives in LA with her doggie Oscar Wilde. Her writing has appeared in Marie Claire, Esquire and W. In her Red, White and Femme: Strapped With A Brain – And A Vagina columns for SuicideGirls, Darrah takes a fresh look at females in America. Twice a month, she also co-hosts SG Radio on Indie1031.com. Subscribe to her blog at Darrahdejour.com/, friend her on Facebook, and Listen to her wax sensual at WingGirlMethod.com/.

[..]

by Laurelin

It’s been a long time since I’ve done this. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday, a once sharp pain now only a memory that makes me cringe only because of the way I almost remember feeling. It’s faded now, the sharp feeling of loss from so long ago to be replaced with this new experience, one that’s a bit more bittersweet and almost entirely silly.

I remember the first time. I was standing at the Ocean Mist in Rhode Island at an all ages rock show. The bar was perfect; on stilts that went into the ocean so when you looked away from the crowded stage and sticker covered walls you could see only the blue of the ocean. The windows were open in the summer and you could taste the salt on your tongue while you breathed in the bass from the speakers. As a teenager, it was heaven.

I had had a crush on this guy forever, and I had decided that while we were all out that night I was finally going to tell him how I felt. The music faded to a dull pounding in my brain as I walked over to him, and my stomach flipped somersaults. I somehow managed to spit it out, not remembering exactly what I said but distinctly remembering his face, his blank expression that told me that I was wrong, he would never like me back, and I turned and ran. Later a friend told me that he was embarrassed, that I was too tall, disproportionate. I wanted to die.

All these years later, finally comfortable with who I am, how tall I am, my life and my choices. All these years later still struggling with the truth and just finally giving up and telling someone I still have feelings for them even though I know nothing good will come of it. I don’t know why I said it. I don’t know why I felt the need to tell him, it’s not like I couldn’t sleep or live without finally getting this off my chest. I know it was stupid and it does nothing but makes things awkward. (All these years later that still hasn’t changed.)

I don’t feel better. I don’t know if I feel worse. I don’t think things can be the same, but they shouldn’t have to be different. I imagine that in the grand scheme of my life, this is going to be something I look back on and laugh at. A psychic once held my hand and said, “You have already been so lucky, you’ve had two great loves and two great heartbreaks. This thing you hold, this is neither. So why can’t you move on?”

It’s something that now, I can remedy with calling other ex-boyfriends and drinking with girlfriends, where as back then I cried myself to sleep for days. This time, only a train ride home with a bit of smudged mascara, a woeful realization that I’m not as tough as I make myself out to be. I feel bad for myself. I feel bad for making him struggle to find the right words to not hurt my feelings. I feel bad for the past three guys I’ve dated, because I have kicked them all to the curb with a handful of lies and half truths once we hit the one month period. Better off alone until I figure this out, don’t like to be alone so I start things I can’t finish.

“It’s okay, because you know this is silly,” my roommate says as I’m trying not to let anyone at the bar see me cry. “I know,” I mumble, and I DO know. I don’t even notice the guy walking up behind me and ordering shots. “Two please,” he says and passes one to me with a kind smile. My eyes dry almost instantly, and I know how stupid I must look. We cheers and the shot goes down like fire, but I seem to have found my coy smile, and this guy is kind of cute.

“Rough night?” he asks.

“It’s nothing,” I say smoothly, and the lie spreads like butter on warm toast, so well that I almost believe it. Almost.

[..]