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by SG’s Contributors & Team Agony

[KarmaPlays Cupid“]

Valentine’s Day isn’t a bed of roses for everyone – especially those who are single. Here, the SG Blog’s brain trust share their strategies for surviving the Hallmark Day devoted to lovers.

1. Two words. Ben & Jerry’s. – Sash Suicide

2. Chocolate, booze and drugs. – SnakePlissken

3. Make yourself a fuck-ton of cookies, and eat ’em all. (Or send me some!) – Lyxzen Suicide

4. Make heart shaped pancakes. Tearing them in half and eating them is delicious, barbaric, and therapeutic. Cover them with strawberry syrup so they look bloody. – Laurelin SG

5. Send yourself flowers or treat yourself to something nice. – Rambo Suicide

6. Do something nice for yourself, and remember that Valentine’s Day means we’re halfway through the last full month of winter. Fuck winter and all of its frosty bullshit! – Perdita Suicide

7. Call in lovesick from work, and indulge in a little erotica. – Atlea Suicide

8. Buy a sex toy and get down with yourself 😉 – Rambo Suicide

9. Stock up on whiskey and batteries. – Sassie Suicide

10. Strip clubs and liquor works for me. I hear there’s a strip club in Iowa where you can bring your own beer. I’m very excited about this. – Justin Beckner

11. Put on your favorite lingerie because it makes YOU feel sexy, treat yourself to a heart-shaped box of quality chocolates, and watch something that reminds you that being single/alone on Valentine’s Day is better than being married to an axe murderer – The Shining, for example. – Clio Suicide

12. Do not watch rom-coms. I repeat it: don’t watch rom-coms. You don’t want to do it. All those movies have happy endings, and a happy ending now can lead to never ending tears or immense anger. Don’t do it. – Dalila Suicide

13. Grab some popcorn and watch horror movies where the cute couples come to a sticky end (ie. The Devil’s Rejects). – Aadie Suicide

14. Take an overnight trip somewhere and treat yourself well, and pretend Valentine’s Day isn’t happening. – RIn Suicide

15. Hide under a rock. – Nicole Powers

16. Move back and forth across the international dateline to avoid it. – Zach Roberts

17. Take over the world, and declare an end to Valentine’s Day. – Elea Suicide

18. Try to get abducted by aliens. Maybe the dating scene is better on Mars. – Aadie Suicide

19. Move to Ethiopia – they’ve never heard of it there (source). Of course they’ve probably never heard of Jersey Shore either, so it’s a mixed bag. – Zach Roberts

20. Whatever you do, don’t move to Japan because they have two Valentine’s Days there! On February 14, girls give boys chocolate, and on March 14, boys who’ve received chocolate from girls have to give some back. – Brad Warner

21. Go out dancing at a club that plays house music. Holidays don’t exist for those maniacs. – Laurelin SG

22. Avoid social networks. Everyone has in their contact list someone who is madly in love and will post some cheesy glittery Valentine pic together with an annoying “I WUV UUUU” message. Ok, Linkedin is a exception. You’re allowed to go there. – Dalila Suicide

23. Troll the happy couples. Go out for a romantic dinner by yourself. Every time you hear a couple near by getting intensely mushy, rudely interrupt them. Start with simple things like: “Can I use your salt?” Then raise the stakes. – A.J. Focht

24. Throw a Valentine’s Day Massacre party. Dress up as your favorite mobster, police officer, or flapper, fill your bathtub (and Tommy water gun) with gin and put on some movies that feature it like The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and Some Like It Hot. – Bob Suicide

25. Make a date with your single friends. Have everyone bring photos of their ex lovers. Have a nice BBQ and burn them! – Dorsal Suicide

26. Invite one (or ten!) of your other single buddies over for an XBox showdown, game night shenanigans (I recommend Catchphrase, Apples to Apples, or the Seinfeld version of Clue), or, if you’re artsy-fartsy like me, host a craft night! – Lyxzen Suicide

27. Host a spin the bottle party. – Rin Suicide

28. Invite the hottest single friends you know…and have an anti-Valentine orgy. Way cheaper than springing for flowers, chocolate, and dinner and everyone gets off (please practice safe sex). And the photos of the night for sure won’t bore your friends. – Steve Altman

29. Get a job at Hallmark and fuck with every V-Day card, substituting “love” for “douche” thus causing breakups and general emotional upset world wide. Misery loves Hallmark. – Darrah de jour

30. Carry a sharpie with you at all times and doodle a broken line on hearts everywhere you go. – Atlea Suicide

31. Pop Valentine’s Day balloons. – Rambo Suicide

32. Play Call Of Duty: Black Ops all day and shoot virtual people until you feel better. – Elea Suicide

33. Read the work of great philosophers, Arthur Schopenhauer for example. And no, it’s not boring. Schopenhauer believed that love and sexual impulse merely serves the will of life in its effort to perpetuate itself. Meaning we’re being tricked by nature with love. But we’re over that. Falling in love is so 1760. Embrace nihilism instead of a lover. – Dalila Suicide

34. Just think of it this way: every couple out there that is spending a crap load of money on flowers, dinner, and chocolates will end up having the same sex they had the night before for free. At least you’re saving $150 by not celebrating Valentine’s Day. – Damon Martin

35. Don’t mope *too* much! Seriously, you’re not the only single lady or gent out there! – Lyxzen Suicide

36. Give your dog a bouquet of roses and a box of doggie-safe chocolates. – Darrah de jour

37. If you don’t have a dog, rescue one ¬ that way you’ll have someone to love and love you (and remember, unlike a lover, a four legged friend should always be for life!). – Nicole Powers

38. Go out somewhere you’ve never been before. Last year on Valentine’s Day I met a guy at a new bar who became of one my best friends. That is, after we finished all the tequila in the bar and made out in the street for a while. – Laurelin SG

39. I’m a huge believer in random acts of kindness. Do something for someone just ‘cause. As an added bonus, giving someone else the unexpected warm and fuzzies will make you feel that way too. – Nicole Powers

40. Remember those corny packs of Valentine cards you passed out in school? Or remember actually MAKING cards? Do that, only for your grown-up friends, parents, neighbors, mailman, etc. Who wouldn’t grin at the sight of a “I choo-choo choose you” card? It doesn’t have to be about mushy-gushy romantic junk, try just making people smile. And you know you like sealing envelopes with stickers anyways. – Lyxzen Suicide

Alternatively, you could always spend some quality time honing your dating, love, sex, and romance skills with a little help from SG’s awesome community so you can snag a partner by Steak & Blow Job Day – which is less pressure and way more fun than V-Day anyway!

XOX

Related Posts:
Love Don’t Cost A Thing: What Men Really Want On Valentine’s Day

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Cynamin Suicide in Mrs Claus

  • INTO: Donkey punching hoes, music, piercings , tattoos.
  • NOT INTO: Navy blue, bad smells, stubbing my toe, Pepsi, war.
  • MAKES ME HAPPY: Bonfires, thunderstorms, breakfast, loud music, bruises, personal style, healthy skin, grossing people out, fast car drives, good graffitti, nice eyebrows, black and white animals, living in the moment.
  • MAKES ME SAD: Music not in my ear (makes my body hurt), homophobia, children with sad faces, drama, bad graffitti, people being taken for granted, pets being treated badly 🙁
  • 5 THINGS I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT: Music, body jewelry, Mary Jane, tattoos, cereal (in no particular order, just all the same.
  • VICES: Saying too much.
  • I SPEND MOST OF MY FREE TIME: Not worrying about the things I’m supposed to be doing.

Get to know Cynamin better over at SuicideGirls.com!


Related Posts:

Dirty Laundry: Sexy Santa Special
A selection of the best Sexy Santa fashions that naughty and nice Suicide Girls will be putting on — and taking off.

The Ultimate #Occupy Holiday Gift Guide
The perfect presents for the #99Percenters that #Occupy a special place in your heart.

Bob Suicide’s Uber Geeky Book Gift Guide
Top 10 Geeky Books For The Naughty N’ Nice Nerd In Your Life.

Bob Suicide’s Uber Geeky Gadget Gift Guide
Top 10 Gadgets For The Naughty N’ Nice Nerd In Your Life.

Brad Warner’s Hardcore Zen: Jesus is the Reason for the Season?
Only a few more days before the annual War On Christmas ends! So get your shots in quick!

5 Awesomely Stupid Xmas Videos
The best of 2010’s silly season.

Life Beyond the Bar Scene: A Long December by Laurelin
It’s boyfriend season…

You Don’t Drink? What’s Wrong With You? by Yashar
Why are we judging and pressuring people who don’t drink and why do we make them justify or explain their reasons for refusing alcohol?

Editor-in-Chief:

Nicole Powers

 

Regular Columnists:

AJ Focht: “Ur W33K 1N G33K”

David Seaman: Political columnist

Laurelin: “Life Beyond the Bar Scene”

Aaron Colter: “Things I Like That You Might Like Too”

Mighty Mur Lafferty: “Fiction Friday”

Lee Camp: “Moment of Clarity”

Steven Whitney: Political columnist

Sandor Stern: Dear Republican Friends…

 

Contributing Columnists:

Andrew Shaffer: Entertainment and culture columnist.

Bob Suicide: Geek columnist

Brad Warner: “Hardcore Zen”

CoyoteMike: “Gentleman’s Guide”

Damon Martin: Politics and pop culture columnist

Darrah de Jour: “Red, White and Femme”

Dina Gachman: “Bureaucracy For Breakfast”

Flux Suicide: “Tattoo Tuesday Roundup!”, “Awe & Wonder”

Jensen Suicide: “Doing It With Jensen”

Justin R. Beckner: Music

Keith Daniels: Politics, gaming columnist

Morgan Harper: “Morgan’s Casual Game Recommendations”

Jason a.k.a. SG Member SnakePlissken: “Shit Booze & Food”

Secretary Suicide: “Dedicated Follower of Fashion”

Shotgun Suicide: Video blogger

Steven Whitney: Political Opinion

Yashar Ali: The Current Conscience

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by Brad Warner

“When sex is your job, you really cannot let work suck.”
-Nina Hartley

If you came of age during the video porn boom of the ‘80s, I don’t need to explain who Nina Hartley is… and not just if you’re a guy, either. Since she was openly bisexual and not just performing her girl-on-girl scenes for the cash, she had a far greater female following than most porn stars. But for those of you who weren’t pleasuring yourselves to her work, Nina Hartley was one of the biggest actresses in X-rated film throughout the 1980s, appearing in over 400 porno pictures, beginning with “Educating Nina” in 1984.

Unlike most porn actresses, Nina didn’t spend a couple years in the industry only to vanish off the face of the Earth. She stuck with it and these days puts out a series of “How To” videos covering subjects as diverse as how to organize the perfect orgy and how to take it up the bum.

[..]

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by Brad Warner

I just read a horrendous news story about the Petit family in Connecticut who were murdered by a group of assholes.

According to CNN, “On July 23, 2007, men wearing ski masks attacked the family as they slept in their suburban Cheshire home. The father, a physician, was beaten with a bat and tied to a pole in his basement. His wife was raped and strangled. The girls were tortured for nearly seven hours, one sexually assaulted, then killed when the attackers set the house on fire.”

[..]

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by Brad Warner

“John Lennon’s alcohol stinking spittle in my face…”

– Mark Mothersbaugh

There was a peculiar notion going around my high school in the white bread and meatloaf suburb of Akron, Ohio where I grew up that said that bands like DEVO were “wimp rock.” But seeing DEVO at the Music Box Theater in Hollywood where I had the privilege of sitting in on the final rehearsal for their current tour gave the lie to that. Even with several members of the band having passed sixty years old and the rest closing in quick, DEVO rocks like no other band on Planet Earth.

[..]

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by Brad Warner

Everybody’s talking about this new book on sex. According to Dan Savage it’s “the single most important book on human sexuality since Kinsey unleashed Sexual Behavior of the Human Male on the American public in 1948.” That’s pretty strong praise. And I’m a fan of Dan Savage so when I was in New York a couple weeks ago I bought myself a copy of Sex At Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. And while it’s very good, I’m not sure it’s quite as massive as they’re all saying.

The basic premise of the book can be stated pretty simply. The authors contend that the story we’ve all been told that human beings are by nature monogamous or pair-bonding creatures is wrong. The evidence they’ve collected leads them to conclude human beings evolved as sluts and playboys, that our bodies tell the story of animals designed by nature to have as much sex as possible with as many partners as we can lure into our caves. This, they contend, explains why monogamy is such a difficult thing to accomplish. It clarifies why marriage has always been protected by the threat of dire punishment even death, and why so many people chose to risk everything just for a little piece on the side.

[..]